CP broke my heart

[Sand&Water]

Jgbronc,

 

Nope. You played with her, in her own game. When she saw it was working too smoothly -she aborted.

 

CPs like to sabotage their own chances at happiness.

[alphamale]

But if someone is that interested in you, always wanting to talk about a future with you, its hard to just slam the brakes on.

Well then you better get to Midas and have your brakes looked at otherwise you're going to encounter major difficulties with women.

[jgbronc]

Norajane, I did buy into it because I thought it was love. Once again, I don't see a reason for time to be the difference in whether you love someone or not. My uncle asked my aunt to marry him after one week of dating and they have been married for 24 years. I know that is not the norm, but just a point.

[jgbronc]

So sand, do you think that this was inevitable?

[norajane]

Alright, I see the point on the time thing to a degree. But if someone is that interested in you, always wanting to talk about a future with you, its hard to just slam the brakes on.

 

It's not, really it isn't. You just have to take it all with a grain of salt because you KNOW it can't be real because you KNOW real love takes time. I've had guys tell me within weeks that they were so in love, they wanted to be with me forever, and that they loved me,and talked of all these plans for the future. They showered me with gifts and flowers and fancy dinners and trips and charm galore...but I knew it couldn't possibly be real because love takes time to develop. Whatever they were feeling or telling me, what they were feeling wasn't love and I knew it.

 

You have to stop believing in the fairy tale crap about love at first sight or meant to be together or where have you been all my life or whatnot. My parents have been married 40 years and I know for a fact LOVE isn't about instant relationships, just add words and stir. It just doesn't work that way. You bought into it because you wanted to believe it. Look within yourself and determine WHY it was so easy for you to believe.

[MagnoliaJane]

JgBronc,

 

It's interesting to read your story. If you read the websites they all say you should run for your life and get yourself back. That might be hard if you've just 'given' yourself away. My emotionally unavailable ex bf of 1 1/2 y has broken up with me two weeks ago saying that 'he still loves me, but there's always going to be some problem in our relationship' (however we certainly haven't experienced any drama, yes to a few arguments, and some disagreements - but never anything that involved yelling or being nasty).

 

When we first met he called me 'his queen'. Boy, what that man did to win me over I can't even start to describe... The list is too long and it's too much!

 

The week before he dumped me he asked where I wanted to get married (I'd call that a red flag now). Anyway, the story's longer than that, but I just fail to understand how he can switch sooooo easily from black to white, everything to nothing, on to off... The 'problems' in our relationship he refers to have never been addressed in a dynamic interaction between us - it's him who has 'thought them thru' and then came to a conclusion ('I can't be in a relationship right now' - while the week before he would say just the opposite, how 'happy he was to be in a relationship with me' and that 'he was confident we could tackle any problem'). These 'problems' have been pretty minor too, for example he would talk about buying a whole building (not: an appartment) when he's flat broke (!!!) and would ask me if I like that idea (off course not), then he would leave my flat, be angry and accusative with me, saying I just ruined his day (AND be mad for several days)... Then he would get over it again, slowly,... VERY different from who he was at the beginning, when he just NEEDED to have me and showered me with attention, even at work. We work at the same place and I've always tried to be careful about that. Then later, when he GOT me, he would say things like 'we have to avoid each other at work', being paranoid about somebody finding out. He's never been married before, is 43, and a non-drinking alcoholic. His former relationships have always been very rocky and he has never been there for these women. I blame myself now for thinking then 'he would not be like that with me bc I'm so special'. I'm a special fool, all right. Btw, he hasn't broken up with me once, but has now done it twice.

 

I feel like he's a type of person that walks out your front door, but sneaks back in your life through the back door. I have been going thru all kinds of emotions. First I couldn't eat, sleep, have nightmares. Now my feelings switch between being depressed and angry. In the morning, when I wake up, I don't know whether I'm going to have a good day or a bad day. I guess I'll be ok in the long run but still feel very stressed!!!!

 

READING ABOUT Cp, emotionally unavailable persons, borderline personality HELPS! Not bc I want to judge him, but I want to understand what has happened and why I 'forgot' to set my boundaries! So, I am as responsible for this mess as he is, because I facilitated his behavior. I gave him a signal that he could run me over. And the worse thing is, knowing all that, I'd have to make my heart a stone if he would come back. So now I'm avoiding him. I saw him from a distance a week ago and just stood there, paralyzed, for a few minutes. Thank G he didn't see me. And no, I'm not a baby, 37 for the matter.

 

So, I'd say: set boundaries with the lady and do nc. Your not alone!

 

Magnolia

[jgbronc]

The bottom line is it is over. Even if I hear from her again, I can never trust her or believe what she says. Moreover, I don't want to. Too much pain and hurt.

[norajane]

Norajane, I did buy into it because I thought it was love. Once again, I don't see a reason for time to be the difference in whether you love someone or not. My uncle asked my aunt to marry him after one week of dating and they have been married for 24 years. I know that is not the norm, but just a point.

 

You can be happy for them, but don't base your life plans on it happening to you.

[UnknowingOW]

NJ, don't you think that's a little harsh? I know many people who have met and married within month of their 1st date. IT DOES HAPPEN.

 

JG, you have knowledge now. Just trust your gut and be patient for love. I, for one, have to believe it happens for everyone someday.

[norajane]

I don't know anyone to whom that's happened, but I'm sure it does on occasion...anything's possible. I just wouldn't bet my future on it when someone dives deep too soon because it's not based on them knowing who I am.

[Diver012]

It's not, really it isn't. You just have to take it all with a grain of salt because you KNOW it can't be real because you KNOW real love takes time. I've had guys tell me within weeks that they were so in love, they wanted to be with me forever, and that they loved me,and talked of all these plans for the future. They showered me with gifts and flowers and fancy dinners and trips and charm galore...but I knew it couldn't possibly be real because love takes time to develop. Whatever they were feeling or telling me, what they were feeling wasn't love and I knew it.

 

You have to stop believing in the fairy tale crap about love at first sight or meant to be together or where have you been all my life or whatnot. My parents have been married 40 years and I know for a fact LOVE isn't about instant relationships, just add words and stir. It just doesn't work that way. You bought into it because you wanted to believe it. Look within yourself and determine WHY it was so easy for you to believe.

 

Listen to this... NoraJane is absolutely correct.

 

My parents have also been married for over 40 years. I have seen them through hell and back and they are still together, In Love.

Love is change. Constant change. Everyday brings something different. CP's fear change. They can never love. They will always chase it, but can never embrace it. To do so, is to embrace the unknown, which is what they fear the most.

[agoraphobia]

Maybe it's just me but I don't believe in CPs, I think people who claim to be CPs just haven't met someone they want to commit to yet. It's a nice way of telling you you're not "it" for them. And it's a nicer way for the dumpee to console themselves after the pain of rejection

[jgbronc]

Believe me, I have gone thru all of the different feelings. Bottom line is I didn't believe in it. But when you research it, it is a viable problem. But at the same time, I also believe in if its meant to be, it will be. Like you said, I have to look at it like I wasn't the one for her. No problem. Time to move on.

[MagnoliaJane]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Agoraphobia,[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Saying Cp is just an en “explanation” for softening the pain of a breakup seems kinda weird to me, given the fact that we’ve probably all been going through break-ups before and not necessarily have called them Cp. Cp comes in when things have happened that conflict each other so much that they just don’t seem to make any sense. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Besides, aren’t “it” and “the one” mere romantic psychological constructs as well, just as easy terminology for an easy way out as Cp? What’s baffling is the realization that some persons can get out of a relationship so quickly and so easily that they’ve defined before (NOT: years before, but very recently) as “so significant” themselves. Why would someone change his mind overnight, and bounce back and forth without some major event occurring? One day you’re great, next day you’re “not living up to the expectations” anymore? So, this tells me there has been no bonding, and no communication about it. Then why spend all this time together in the first place and why “acting” as if there was a bond?[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]MagnoliaJane [/FONT][/sIZE]

[alphamale]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Agoraphobia,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

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good job on your first post MJ

[jgbronc]

MagnoliaJane,

 

The reason I believe she is CP is because from day one, she told me she didn't want to run away from me. Said it had always been a problem since her divorce 2 1/2 years ago. In that time she dated 3 guys and none of them lasted for more than 2 weeks according to her sisters. We had been dating for a month when I got a phone call from her and she was very upset. Said she needed time. So after 5 days of nc, she called back and all she could tell me was how much she had been thinking about me. Now I am not saying that I didn't have anything to do with the breakup. Obviously I came on too strong and instead of her telling me to back off, she kept talking about the future. Kids and marriage-you get the idea. Could be an excuse but how could a woman ask you to marry her a week and a half ago, and then break up with you thru an email message that only explains something has been missing since the beginning. Now everything I have read about Cps says that alot of times they dont have a reason and cant come up with one. The thing missing is a feeling that fear creates to let them not get involved. It is weird but she seems to fit this criteria.

[UnknowingOW]

Maybe it's just me but I don't believe in CPs, I think people who claim to be CPs just haven't met someone they want to commit to yet. It's a nice way of telling you you're not "it" for them. And it's a nicer way for the dumpee to console themselves after the pain of rejection

 

 

I beg to differ here. It's not a nice way of saying "I'm just not into you."

 

This is truly a life-long struggle with many people. It is a true phobia. And it is almost difficult for a doctor to find the root cause of it.

 

It's not only pain for the person involved with them, but their own inner pain is far worse then any of us can imagine.

 

Think of it this way, your life sucks, you are afraid of change, so your life continues to suck because you fear the unknown outcome of any changes you could make.

 

That is the life of a CP. It affects every instance of their life, career, family, and friends. And they sit there in misery thinking my life sucks...why can't I change? If I do change I won't know how to deal with it, so it's better to stay put and live like I am...very say.

[jgbronc]

Unknowingow, I am with you. I am mad at myself now for falling so hard but I guess that is what they make you do. Promise you the world because that is what they believe they want. This morning I went to her place (while she was at work) to pick up my things that she had left out for me including the diamond necklace that I gave her last week. It was difficult! I mean agonizing. I gave her back every gift or cd, candle, picture u name it. I want nothing to do with her. When i got home, i returned the favor of sending her an email that basically said thanks for nothing. And who knows, maybe she is just really messed up and confused and I should just accept that she is just not into me.

[UnknowingOW]

MJ:

Cp comes in when things have happened that conflict each other so much that they just don’t seem to make any sense.

 

No CP is always there, the person afflicted with it has no idea their life is wrong until they are asked to move forward in any aspect of their life. The small change sends panic attacks through their system, self-doubt, fear, and they shut down.

 

Besides, aren’t “it” and “the one” mere romantic psychological constructs as well, just as easy terminology for an easy way out as Cp?

 

Again, NO because the CP wants to have a real relationship, but they have no idea how to proceed because the phobia will stop them everytime. Point in case: X Fin told his g/f in the 80's he would marry her. Her parents and she set a date and time, placed the announcements in the paper, had engagement parties. Xfin never showed up...ran for the hills. 20+years later, he said to me, I should have married her, I did love her, but was afraid.

 

Why would someone change his mind overnight, and bounce back and forth without some major event occurring? One day you’re great, next day you’re “not living up to the expectations” anymore? So, this tells me there has been no bonding, and no communication about it. Then why spend all this time together in the first place and why “acting” as if there was a bond?

 

This is the exact actions of a CP. It's the push/pull syndrome. There is no "lack of communitcation," no "lack of bonding" They bond, they communicate their love for you. BUT their actions will never prove their words. There is no act. The CP is acting on the premise there is a future, but futures are the unknow to a CP. You might want to read more about the affliction so you can get a true idea of what we are talking about. Check out some CP websites.

[MagnoliaJane]

OK, hope no weird formatting is coming out this time!

 

UnknowingOW:

 

I have read a little about Cp but am trying to combine the theory behind it with my own experience... bc I'm seeking answers to the questions I've always ignored asking during our relationship (the subject would have been most possibly too threatening for him anyway). You wrote:

 

their own inner pain is far worse than any of us can imagine

 

Might be, but... I believe the Cp I've been involved with (I'll call him D. because don't want to write "my" Cp) runs away from pain because he cannot even begin to process pain (why?)... However, if their own inner pain is far worse, then why go back to being alone, in pain? And why try to pursue a relationship with so much persuasion at the beginning if they know it's eventually going to lead to a breakup anyhow?

 

I also believe D. must be content now he's back to where he was before he met me, working 12 hours a day and hardly no friends. So now he knows exactly what to expect, how his day is going to be like, everything is under his control - if uncertainty is what they fear most, then control must be calming them down, no?

 

Leaves me with the horrifying thought that I must have been some kind of "horror" to him... or at least "another failure". Very strangely, once he wrote me an email about his relationship with his former gf and how he feared he and I would have the same fate (he was writing me bc he said I was smart and that he wanted me to help him/us escape from this premonition)... It felt like such a weird email, with blurred boundaries between past and present. So, my question: are relationships for Cp unique experiences, or do they all merge together (the same story over and over again) with just one possible ending? It's as if they try over and over again, and somehow feel disappointed by their partner for the outcome (do they feel they've failed or that you've failed?).

 

To JgBronc: did she tell you about her past and how it would be different this time with you? How she wasn't afraid this time? How were her relationships with her former bfs?

 

I still feel D. hasn't allowed himself to bond with anyone bc he has abandoned people the way he's been abandoned as a child. And somehow I feel as if he makes you pay for that abandonment... He says rejection is his biggest fear, yet rejects others.

 

It honestly has driven me NUTS before and still is to some extent. It is as if I "just don't get it".

 

Magnolia

[jgbronc]

MJ- she told me that she was scared but that she was trying to deal with it. The funny thing is, she never came out and said she was afraid of commitment. Her exact words were that she did not want to push me away. She also told me 2 months into dating me that she didn't think it would last a month. Thought that she would run. Told me a few weeks ago that she would not just change her mind and want to leave me. What a difference a few weeks can make. That is why I feel that this is what she suffers from. The things just dont add up. I have been dumped before and there are usually signs. Her two past relationships ended very badly and were very disappointing to her. The scary thing is that she uses terms like "run" and "scared" yet blames us ending because something was missing.

[jgbronc]

Magnolia, I am coming up with one answer. We will never get it. It is something that we have no control over and that is what is so unnerving about it. In a normal relationship a bond develops but with a CP, the bond that is formed is only for appearances. Bc when things get hot, the instinct is to dump the problem and run. One other thing. Our last time together was Sunday night. We got into our first argument. Nothing brutal. Both of us are rationalizers, not fighters. We discussed why she had been so irritable. That was me I guess and all of the pressure of this commitment. Durning the argument she told me that when I told her she irritated me, her first inclination was screw this, I don't need all of the hassle. And she said she wanted to run. 3 days later, thats exactly what she did. So you cant win.

[UnknowingOW]

MJ I'll try and answer this as best as I can.

 

I believe the Cp I've been involved with runs away from pain because he cannot even begin to process pain (why?)... Because pain is part of something he knows...it is familiar to them.

 

However, if their own inner pain is far worse, then why go back to being alone, in pain? They know nothing else, and fear of change makes them comfortable in their present situation no matter how bad it is.

 

And why try to pursue a relationship with so much persuasion at the beginning if they know it's eventually going to lead to a breakup anyhow? Even though a CP will continue the chase, they do so in the hope that one day someone else will make then over come their own inner fears. We (meaning people who been involved with a CP) know, as does anyone else in a relationship, you cannot change another person...that comes from within one's self.

 

 

I also believe D. must be content now he's back to where he was before he met me, working 12 hours a day and hardly no friends. So now he knows exactly what to expect, how his day is going to be like, everything is under his control - if uncertainty is what they fear most, then control must be calming them down, no? No, he probably isn't content, but he is safe in his environment where the CP feels safest.

 

Leaves me with the horrifying thought that I must have been some kind of "horror" to him... or at least "another failure". NO YOU WERE NOT!!! That is one thing my CP continually said to me. "This is my problem not yours....you are a good person...you didn't fail the realtionship I did."

 

Very strangely, once he wrote me an email about his relationship with his former gf and how he feared he and I would have the same fate (he was writing me bc he said I was smart and that he wanted me to help him/us escape from this premonition)... But that is just it, you cannot help him. He MUST make the changes himself. Can you be there for support, yes, but how long do you want to support someone of take no responsiblity for changing their own fears?

 

So, my question: are relationships for Cp unique experiences, or do they all merge together (the same story over and over again) with just one possible ending? It's as if they try over and over again, and somehow feel disappointed by their partner for the outcome (do they feel they've failed or that you've failed?).

A true CP will look at you for all their failures within the relationship. CP will try the same thing over and over again and produce the same outcome...why? Because they haven't changed themselves. It will continue to be the same ending until a CP is able to overcome their fears.

 

Mine took one step closer to moving out of his CP, but a whole new set of issues ensued. Does he feel somewhat better to know he finally got engaged? Probably. But as I told him. This is to be a happy time when you announce to the world you are taking this person to be your spouse. Not to hide from everyone you know because you don't want to answer questions about why you got engaged.

 

As for bonding, a CP cannot truly "bond" as someone else can. Intimacy is change and they fear intimacy. I know my CP better than anyone and itimacy was something he could not attain.

 

Yes, they make you pay for their CP issues. You feel NUTS in a relationship with them...it's that push/pull that kills you. My xFin CP was freaked about rejection, but as I told him, it wasn't me rejecting him it was him rejecting me.

 

The only thing to do once you find yourself involved with one is NC, it's your only sanity.

[Diver012]

I liked your answers but I would like to take it one step further... You stated that a CP repeats the same pattern over and over. Thats not entirely true. Depending on the person the CP is dating, they and sometimes often do find themself in a relationship where they are the one being rejected.

 

They go from being an Active CP, to a passive CP. It doesnt matter as long as the result is the same.

 

Lemme explain the difference...

 

An active CP actively rejects his/her partners.

a Passive CP persues unavailable people.. married, crushes on moviestars or LD relationships... ect..

 

CP's basically chase what they cannot have, en either case. If I acted like I didnt completely give a ****, my CP would still be chasing my butt all over the place. But the moment she knew I was commited, she bailed.

[UnknowingOW]

True Diver, I only dealt with an active CP. Yours sounds like mine. While I've been involved with someone else recently, my X CP was chasing me like there was no tomorrow. I keep him at bay, and finally placed NC for a decent time frame with.

 

What's odd though, generally an active CP is also passive-aggressive. Mine hated confrontation. I think that's why he hide...he didn't want to deal with it.

 

As I've said, the only way to move on past a relationship with a CP is to MOVE ON. There is no future and you have no way of changing them. You will never get answers from a CP. I'm sorry to say, but it's the truth.