tiredandsad Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Last October I caught my wife cheating with a family friend's husband. I am 99.9% sure that they did not have intercource. However, I caught them by spying on her computer. I did tell her how I found out, and eversince she has been nicer to me and our 2 kids, and she has stopped complaining about me. We did go to a therapist and alot of crap did come out, and I believe that is why she has been nicer to me. However, I can not stop thinking about them having sexual relations in the bushes not too far from our house. She keeps telling me that she is OK now (when I bring the subject up), and I have stopped talking about it completely. I still regret telling her how found out, because she has put all kinds of blocks and checks on her computer, so no one can find out what she is doing or has done. I feel very bad for being this way, but I have a bad feeling that they are still in contact, and I do not have a sure way to prove it. Am I being wrong or over sensative about this? With our 9 and 5 year old, it is hard to break away. I have forgiven her, but have a hard time forgeting. I sure like to be able to track her down and see what she does when I am not around, or where she goes when I am at work or home with the kids. Is there a way to get over this? I am going out of my mind..... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 Not alot of details as to how you caught them cheating, but even still...it takes time to get over the destrcution of trust. This could just be that. On the other hand, you may be right. The fact that she put blocks on her computer so that she can have privacy indicates that she may have something to hide. Usually when people try to rebuild a marriage, they do everything to show their partner that they can be trusted. She is not. Why did she put all of the blocks in? Does she have times where she doesn't tell you where she is? Personally it may be too late, but I think she must account for her every minute if she is to be trusted. If she is not willing to do this because she feels it is your problem to deal with, then I don't see hope for your reconciliation. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted September 6, 2006 Share Posted September 6, 2006 I can only imagine what you must be going through catching your wife in the bushes with another man. She responds by putting blocks on her computer? People don't hide things if they have nothing to hide. If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would be accepting the actions that she is doing to you? She should be doing everything in her power to regain your trust. She is doing just the opposite. Did you make sure that your family friend knew about your wife and her husband? Exposure is absolutely critical. I would be in touch with your family friend and be comparing notes. Do not let this slide. She has shown you that she is capable of lying to you and physically betraying you. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 Tiredandsad, I have forgiven her, but have a hard time forgeting. Read this again. Yes, read it out loud to yourself. You may think that you have completely [or mostly or partially] forgiven her. But, that is not forgiving. Forgiving is a rigorous process, requiring a considerable amount of time of personal reflection. You wll not be able to forget unless you forgive from the inside. And, forgeting does not mean forgeting 100% of everything she has ever done. I think you need do to no contact. If you are not able to work on trusting her, as a human being with emotions, and a conscious mind then your thoughts will eat you alive. In order for you to start healing, you must experience a little of insanity. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 She keeps telling me that she is OK now (when I bring the subject up), and I have stopped talking about it completely. ~ Is there a way to get over this? I am going out of my mind..... She tells you SHE is ok? WTF does she have to be ok or not ok about? YOU are the one who was cheated on, not her. Has she acknowledged what she did? Was she honest about everything? Has she offered or agreed to be completely transparent about where she is and when and what she's doing online so that YOU are ok with HER? You can't rebuild trust and get over this unless she helps YOU to be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 Dump her, I say this to everyone: If someone cheats, they do not love whomever they cheated on. So, why would you even bother staying with her? Even if you love her, let her go. Love someone who isnt a ho. As much as you might love your kids, dont let them keep you trapped in this relationship. You might think breaking up will effect them badly, but staying w/ your wife will just bring more problems and in the long run, effect them even worse. Break up with this woman, she doesn't respect you OR your children. I mean when you have kids and you cheat, its like you're cheating on two people really, sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted September 7, 2006 Share Posted September 7, 2006 I would say there is a better than 50% chance that she is still cheating. I would call your cell phone provider and get a list of the calls to your account(s) since she has blocked you from the computer. Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 You are not going out of your mind at all. At least she didn't gaslight you about what happened. I'm sorry for your pain and confusion. It happened to me also only it was my husband who cheated. Do what you can to make yourself feel better, there is no easy advice, it's just something you have to either get over or not. I'm right in the middle on mine and I'm trying to make some really hard decisions. Rebuilding trust is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm wondering if I will ever be able to trust enough to completely heal or if I should just leave our marriage. I don't know. Some days it feels like fighting to keep us is the right thing to do and others it feels like I should leave. Just try to stay strong within yourself and not get to eaten up. Hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 my friend, you have not forgiven her. if you did, then this mistrust and anger would be surmountable. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Dump her, I say this to everyone: If someone cheats, they do not love whomever they cheated on. So, why would you even bother staying with her? Even if you love her, let her go. Love someone who isnt a ho. You cannot make this blanket judgement on EVERYBODY. Not every circumstance is the same. Not everyone is a "ho" (charming) either. I would like to add, find someone who has the capacity of forgiveness and the ability to change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiredandsad Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 I'm wondering if I will ever be able to trust enough to completely heal or if I should just leave our marriage. I don't know. I am not sure what it takes to trust? How can we ask them to account for every minute of the day. I am still strugling with that, and I still have not found a way to escape from it. I am sorry for your problem too, but it is an ugly act of betryal, and it violets everything we believe in and raised with. What pisses me off the most is that, she is one of the most conservative people you meet in your life, and yet she did the most dispicable thing possible. UUUURRRRRRGGGGGG..... Good luck to you and I guess all we can do is jusy hang in there untill we can not any more. Life is too short, but I have a hard time following my own belifes. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
ash8752 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 She shouldnt be blocking you from seeing where she goes and what she does online. People who cheat have to realize that THEY broke the trust and therefore there are consequences in that such as you sometimes looking in on what she is up to. My bf and I are in a situation not exactly like that. He wrote his ex a flirty email, i snooped, found it. PISSED! Well, i shouldnt have snooped. But 2 days later I get an email from him telling me not to check his email and to trust him! TRUST HIM! Ya, maybe make me trust first. I told him that he broke that trust and for a while until that is earned back he better understand if i want to check up on him once in a while I certainly will. If he gets mad over that i will feel his is hiding stuff. I hate being lied to. This whole story is in my last thread "Do i get over it?" I am sorry you are going through this. It must be much harder being married with kids on top of it. I wish you luck. I believe you deserve better than some1 who cheats but if you are going to stay, tell her to stop hiding and blocking you. It is time for her to see the consequences for her actions and deal with it. Did she think she would just keep going on normal with her life with you doing the same? Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Sorry, but it's pretty certain that your wife not only had sex with this guy, but is still seeing him. How to tell? She has all kinds of blocks on her pc. That is all you need to know - people only hide what they don't want others to find. If you still aren't sure (and you won't be, because for some strange reason you trust your cheating wife, or at least give her the benefit of the doubt), then do the following test. Take her up to the computer, turn it on, then tell her to remove all the blocks in front of you, and show you all her records - surfing history, emails etc. If there is nothing to hide then she'll happily tell you. If she makes up some excuses, or gets angry and attacks you, trying to change the subject etc, then she is screwing him. It's as simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Sorry, but it's pretty certain that your wife not only had sex with this guy, but is still seeing him. How to tell? She has all kinds of blocks on her pc. That is all you need to know - people only hide what they don't want others to find. If you still aren't sure (and you won't be, because for some strange reason you trust your cheating wife, or at least give her the benefit of the doubt), then do the following test. Take her up to the computer, turn it on, then tell her to remove all the blocks in front of you, and show you all her records - surfing history, emails etc. If there is nothing to hide then she'll happily tell you. If she makes up some excuses, or gets angry and attacks you, trying to change the subject etc, then she is screwing him. It's as simple as that. I agree, If she does not show you, then tell her that you want a divorce, and follow through with it. Link to post Share on other sites
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