Cheated on me. wants 2nd chance?

[Vanessa1010]

Warning this is long..but I had to explain and vent..

 

We are young (22 & 21) but we have been together 2 yrs. Our relationship was amazing we hardly ever fought and we were never off and on. We have started to talk about marriage and family more seriously and both wanted it to move in that direction. I have never been in a happier relationship/friendship in my life.

 

But of course here’s the story..

 

I was out of the country for 3 weeks. When I came back I saw a text message on his phone from a strange number I asked who it was he said it was a family member when I told him to call it he refused. So right then and there I knew something was up because knowing him for that long if I ask him to do something or to prove something he WILL do it IMMIDEATELY with no hesitations.

 

I memorized this number and called it myself later on. Come to find out he has been ‘talking’ to this girl for 2 weeks (while I was away) and she said they had sex. He denied the sex even went as far as telling me to give him a lie detector test. I felt in my gut something was wrong but I chose to believe him because, after all, I knew him I didn’t know the other whore.

 

Finally a few days ago he admitted to having sex with her one night he said he was with his friends and she was there and they were drinking. Basically he claims to have been so drunk that he didn’t really realize what he was doing until the next day. ( I think this is ALL BS..because no matter how drunk I can be I would never all the sudden forget I’m in a relationship with someone for TWO years!!!!) He initially was going to hide this from me because he knew it would devastate me and he didn’t want our relationship to change he said he wanted to erase it out of his mind and try to pretend that it never happened.

 

He still wants another chance but I don't know if it’s worth it. He says he made the biggest mistake of his life and he will fix this somehow…i still wonder after he cheated why did he still answer back to her text messages if he cries and yells that he regrets he ever met her. He says he didn’t think anything of it by answering back cuz he didn’t call her and thought she would leave him alone because he told her he was with me the day he met her …

 

I love him so much he has always been there for me done everything for me bought me anything and helped me with a lot of problems in the past. I can forgive him. But forgetting and not thinking about it is the hardest part of all and also the fear that it could happen again.. I have no idea how he can fix this. I highly doubt I will ever be as happy as before..

This hurts so bad its so unexpected never in a million years would I have thought HE out of all the people would do this (he has always been the one analyzing other people and saying he doesn’t understand how people can sleep around like that and not respect their bodies..so much for that huh?) I have been so depressed not only he threw away everything we had but my pride suffered so much I have always promised myself to leave and never look back on some1 who has cheated on me..And now Im actually considering a second chance and I cant belive im being so naive..

He was always honest with me and went into details about everything he is the one that taught me better communication and here we are can’t communicate or understand what has happened and why, I’m asking questions and he jus sits there with the same response all the time. “I was drunk I wasn’t thinking clearly/ My thought process was all messed up/ I don’t even know why it happened/I can’t even believe myself that I really did this/ I don’t remember a lot of details everything seems choppy”

 

I thought I knew him in and out and based on our conversations he promised to never break my heart but now its too late... what is also so shocking is to cheat on me with some one soooo ugly and sloppy looking (I'm not exaggerating AT ALL). I know when alcohol takes affect people get tempted but I can’t even consider that because her face is too disgusting.

 

I don’t know how this can work when all the trust is gone he says he will work to rebuild it, he is just askin if I would give him some time.. but how would one do that without any type of guidance

 

Any Real honest advice would be good right now..or if any1 has been in this situation and actually got thrugh it..

Thanks

[tikigods]

the truth of the matter is, you were only gone for three weeks and suddenly he "forgot" he had a girlfriend and couldn't wait for you to come back before he started having sex with a random girl.

 

Then he HIDES it from you, and on top of that he still TALKED to her! If it was a one night stand that he regreted he would have had nothing to do with her again, but there you have it. Everyone that cheats will almost always give you the sob story of crying and how they didn't mean to , and give them another chance, and you are the one you love, just read posts from here on the subject and you will find that he sounds just like every other guy that has cheated and got caught.

 

2 years means nothing if in three weeks he can forget all about you.

 

I say you are young and life is to short to deal with someone you can't trust while you are gone

[norajane]

I was in a similar situation at your age, except it was a blowjob. We'd been dating 4 years and I was away for a week, and his excuse was alcohol and 'he'd been thinking of me the whole time cuz he missed me so bad'. Right. He wasn't drunk when he went to wash her car later that same week (she was a friend of his), so f*ck that.

 

I had the same feelings you have now - an utter sense of betrayal from someone I never could have imagined doing such a thing, would never have suspected had it in him to cheat. I felt as though all my naive innocent illusions had just come crashing down around my head. And I truly loved him and I know he loved me.

 

So I stayed, forgave him, worked very hard to get over it, and eventually even forgot about it for the most part to the point we got engaged and moved in together. The thing is, though, I lost respect for him and I never could regain that respect for him again. I saw him as a weak person, a loser, and not someone I could spend the rest of my life with. Two years after the incident occurred, I broke up with him, moved out, and never looked back.

 

It's like gluing together a crystal vase that's been cracked. Once its integrity is compromised, it won't ever quite be the same. Or, to use a car analogy since he was such a car washing and oil changing guy, once the frame is bent, the car is totaled.

 

It might turn out differently for you, but it's gonna be painful for you for a long, long time first. Good luck.

[Spectre]

Break up with him. Definitely dont do what the above poster did by staying with him for 2 years, getting engaged, THEN dumping him cuz you cant take it. Even if he cheated, thats f*cking cold as hell. Everytime I come to this board again and again I leave with the sentiment of "wtf kind of people are there out there?"

 

for shame.

[norajane]

Break up with him. Definitely dont do what the above poster did by staying with him for 2 years, getting engaged, THEN dumping him cuz you cant take it. Even if he cheated, thats f*cking cold as hell. Everytime I come to this board again and again I leave with the sentiment of "wtf kind of people are there out there?"

 

for shame.

 

I didn't leave him because I was a cold person, and I didn't get engaged just so I could dump him. I left him after two years of trying hard to work it out and two years of believing our love would carry the day. You're right that I should have left him immediately, but I was too young, naive, and too much in love to just give up because he was stupid once after 4 years of being together. I didn't realize that I'd never be able to see him as the guy with integrity that I fell in love with and that his betrayal would always be between us.

[allina]

Fact is that many couples do last through infidelity and work through it. What you choose to do is a personal choice that only you can make. Knowing myself I would leave because I know that I would never forgive and would always throw the cheating in his face, but we're not all the same.

[SweetRB]

If It Were Me I Dont Think I Could Take Him Back. First Of All He Cheated And Lied And Still Talked To The Girl After. I Know He Taught You Things And Youve Been Through A Lot But You Deserve Better And Someone How Will Be Honest.

[SueBee3490]

I have the same feelings as many of the posters here. Once my H cheated, I just couldn't get past the cheating. I also tried to work it out. I thought maybe I can "forgive and forget" and we'll be all happy again - WRONG! He broke my trust and I just didn't feel the same about him again. Trouble is in my case I didn't find out he was cheating on me when he was dating me, but then I married him and found out 4 mos. later that he had cheated all the time he was dating me. I loved him too and just couldn't fathom that he would cheat. He seemed the complete opposite of "those types" that cheat. Boy was I wrong.

 

My mistake came when he went out on me 1 1/2 yrs. into our dating. I flat out asked him if he went out on me and he admitted he did. Then he swore he loved me and would never do that again because he saw how much pain he had caused me. Well stupid me, I believed him, it was probably my heart taking over my head, and took him back, believing he was sincere. Well he just said what I wanted to hear. He continued to cheat.

 

My bf also didn't just have one night stands. He saw some of these women more than once. When does the conscience kick in? I just don't understand it. Some of them he had to drive at least 4 hrs to see. I asked him when he's driving, that's alot of time to be alone and reflect on what he was doing. I guess he doesn't have a conscience or feelings because he could have turned back but he didn't. I felt bad for the women he cheated with because he led some of them on and they didn't know he had a gf/fiancee. I even told him I felt bad for some of these women because one in particular could have been married and another one I know for sure had a bf. How insensitive of him to add to the pain these men will feel when they find out their wife/gf is cheating. How selfish of him to only care about himself.

 

Funny thing is that when I found out, I think in my head I knew that I could NEVER get over the cheating. I tried my best to block it out but in the end I just didn't have the respect for him as Norajane said about her H. He was a different person - someone I didn't know and really someone I wasn't even attracted to anymore. I felt I would never be able to count on him. As others have said, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I don't want to tell you that you can't work it out with him, I just know in my case, I couldn't do it.

[Vanessa1010]

Thanks for all of your responses. I already knew everyone was going to say leave him. I wish it was as easy as it sounds.

My head is telling me ‘leave him and don’t look back you don’t deserve this at all’

..but my heart still loves him.. I never felt pain this bad before I can’t believe he would put me thru this I feel like I’m hurt and crying if I’m NOT with him because its so hard to even try to imagine my life without him it would be such a drastic change all I would do is probably keep dwelling on how beautiful these 2 years have been and how great it would have been to continue (aside from the last month.) Id just end up comparing every1 else to him… Then if I AM with him I’m still hurt and crying because I just look at his face and feel like I don’t even know who he is anymore.

 

He keeps saying he will fix everything because he messed everything up and there was no reason for it AT ALL. He sounds so determined, I don’t know why. He said he will prove to me that he is the trustworthy person I met.. he keeps saying that all he needs is time from me and he will try to show me he’s a changed man and that he made a horrible mistake…he let me have his voicemail passwords everything and I already know all his e-mail pw. STILL that’s not a relationship, I’ve never been the type to play detective I like to ask ‘what are you doing?’ and whatever he says I like to believe without any concern. Because that’s how a relationship should be. But I guess this isn’t a prefect world… nonetheless maybe he thinks this will help the trust..

 

just like ur situation was Norajane. I have thought about that future scenario .. what if I forgive and we go back to normal..get engaged like we planned… I don’t know if I could ever forget or at least put it behind me. it will probably eat me up alive or maybe with time it will not bother as much (since its only been a week since I found out) but just the fact that it DID happen is crazy to comprehend and live with and there is no way to know how ill feel in the future because everyone is different and since I never been in this situation I don’t know how it will affect me… also our sex life used to be sooooo good, now how can I ever have sex with him knowing he gave himself to someone else? It just feels disgusting and I don’t think sex can ever be the same. Im still willing to give it some time since he keeps asking for it but I have no idea what will come out of it and I have no expectations.

 

I have read what other women have wrote about their men aka immature pigs who have ‘cheated drunk’..yes it does sound the same in each circumstances just like what he is saying that he has no idea why this happened and how and he wasn’t thinking and it happened unintentionally and he remembers bits and pieces he said the devil or something evil took over him because if he was sober he would have thought clearly and wouldn’t let it happen which I thought was quite odd until I read that other people have said the same thing about the devil taking over lol. This is crazy im so upset about the situation I’m in that I cant help but laugh…never would I have imagined.

[Spurned]

Vanessa, if you spend enough time here and read through all these stories,you'll see how varied people's reactions are. Some people will stay and forgive and try to work it out. Some people will leave. No matter what I say to you, it is up to you and you only.

 

But don't get into the mistake of rationalizing his behavior because you think it's a little different. Your boyfriend, to put it plainly, is a dog. He cheated on you the first opportunity he could, WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WAS WONDERFUL. He didn't have a single excuse. Instead of making a cute card for you and thinking of a surprise party for you when you got back from your trip, he inserted his genitalia into another women. He may tell you things like he was drunk, etc. etc. Yet she ended up with his phone number, they've been texting. Don't make excuses for him. See his behavior for what it is. If you can accept it, fine.

 

BUT . . . you have the luxury of being a young, wonderful girl. There are TONS of men out there, in bars, school, at work, on match.com. Many of them are better-looking than your boyfriend. They will provide for you better. Their penises stay put because they will cherish you. Don't waste the HAPPIEST times in your life stressing out over some loser who couldn't respect you enough to keep it in his pants. These are such golden years for you. I would give so much to be able to live those hot days in medical school again (just briefly) running around with my apartment mates and dating fun girls. I could never imagine at that age wasting a couple more years with the stress, humiliation, resentment that inevitably will come from this sort of thing.

 

You're young, hot, intelligent, caring, and now you have the chance to match yourself with a young, hot, intelligent stud who prizes you and whom you will prize!!! Go for it, girl! Don't waste time stressing out over this "wonderful" love. It only took three weeks for him to forget about how wonderful it is!

[tikigods]

While it might be hard for you to forget everything that you ahve been threw up to this point and move on. Remember it only took him 3 weeks to forget about you and sleep with AND Get a number AND still talk to another woman.