Text me again and i'm coming through the phone

[Just2Cute1972]

Im still getting the texts tooooo! LMAO I got one at 1:30 in the morn Sat and it said "doubt ur still up but can i see him tomorrow" (referring to my son) well he knows my kids were with their dad this weekend. Anyway, we ended up having a text conversation until 3 in the morn, finally i was like my fingers hurt im going to bed. He blows me up with text messages! But i saw him the next day. We hung out "as friends" for a few hours. I did really well, so well in fact, i shocked myself. He asked me for a hug when he left which made me feel awkward and he winked at me, VERY difficult to handle knowing he isnt "in love" with me anymore. Since then tho, no more texts. Maybe that meeting ended everything..who knows. Since seeing him tho, ive felt slightly better. Not sure why. Im tryin sooooooooo hard to let him go. Im so pathetic.

[The write one]

I saw the ex today, which i didn't want to do. Last night around 11, i get this long text (of course) from the ex. "I'm dropping off ur mail 2 mrw morning. ill b dwn in that area around 8am or so."

Well i didn't respond, but wondered why she was telling me this, when the deal, based on earlier texts, was to just slide it through the door. Well, this morning around 7:50, my phone starts ringing off the hook from her. I let it go for two missed calls, then call back. She says she's a bloc or so away and wanted to give me my mail.

I say "cool," thinking she'll just put it under the door. Well, she gets to my blding and calls again asking to come up. I let her. I didn't want to let her in the apt. so i met her in the staircase.

Quick hug and a "hey, hi ya doin." We chat for a minute or so in the hall, she passes me the mail and i say "ok, good seeing ya" and offer another quick hug. but before i get my arm around her, she asks if she can use my bathroom.

I, of course, say "yeah, that's no problem. "

She uses it, and i walk her out the front door, coupled with brief conversation about if she found a good parking space. She says "yeah," and launches into this story about feeding the meter and only having six minutes in the space.

I say, "you better go then" and give her a another quick, one-arm hug and she responds with this wrap around hug and brisk rubbing of my back. I say "good seeing you," she says the same and i lead her out my door. "Drive safe," i said. "You too," she replies on her way down the stairs. and that's it.

I'm trying not to see what i want to see in this meeting. That's why i really didn't want to see her until i was somewhat healed. But she completely flipped the script on her sliding the mail through the door. Instead she decided she wanted to hand it to me and then use my bathroom. She said she didn't do the sliding through the door thing because it was important mail (bills).

I kind of believe that. At least I'm trying to. Like i said, i don't want to read to much into this. But I'm trying to do the No contact thing, which means i don't want to see her. I was actually doing fine, working out at the gym, got a party to go to tonight, going out with one of my boys Friday and a movie date with this chick from my old job on Saturday. So i was feeling pretty good, with the thoughts of her breaking my heart slowly dissipating.

But she had to come through today and make her presence known. She ruined my recovery. She has to know that I'm not really trying to see or communicate with her right now and it seems like she's doing the same. Then why would she insist on giving me my mail face to face? I was cordial, acted happy and mentioned nothing of the relationship or anything, but it hurt to see her. She must know that it hurts to see her, right?

I don't know, I'm beginning to accept the breakup and I'm doing my best to better myself and move on. But today's visit has me wondering. I hope this doesn't turn into a set back for me. So what do you think. Was the visit, just a friendly gesture, her throwing herself in my face, or she just wanted to see me?

[The write one]

This is a long one, but i really need everyone's help. So please read and advise.

 

I don't know if too many of you all have been following my posts "How can i get her back," "Is she gay," "What's the deal with the texting," but the short end of the story is that my fiance and girlfriend of 8 years ended us on Aug. 13. Since then, I've been getting sporatic texts from her and a brief visit last week to give me my mail. I myself am applying NC and trying to better myself in hopes that one day she will want to come back to me. Sad i know, but this was my highschool sweetheart and my first and only love.

Well, the most recent turn of events happen this past Friday. I was feeling pretty good on working toward bettering myself. Had my second session of counciling, a weekend packed full of parties and a 2nd date with this chic (old co-worker) to end the weekend.

But on Friday, right after i left counciling, my ex's mother called me. She had just left Philly on a visit to see her daughter. Apperently, she just heard that her daughter dumping me and was shocked. So she calls me to try and get some understanding of what is going on. But I tell her i don't understand why her daughter left me. All my ex told me was that she loves me, but no longer wants to be in the relationship. She has no more to give in the relationship. She is hollow. I munipulated her and never really trusted her. She also said she doesn't know herself or what she will take from people. That's all i got and that's all she told her mother about the breakup. My ex also told her mother that i really didn't do anthing wrong.

So her mother reports to me that my ex's is crying every day about the break up, losing weight, confused about why she even broke up with me, but still doesn't want to be in the relationship. My ex also told her mother that she is still in love with me, i'm smart and attractive and a good person. But she can't get over my past misdealings (in my teens i used to lie to her about bs and threaten of break up with her when i got mad at her). Also she didn't like that when i had a personal problem, i would go into a shell instead of sharing with her.

Her mother told her that every young couple ( we started at 18 and we're now both 26) experiances those things and she has to forgive me and get back with me because i am her first love. That, of course, turned into pressuring my ex, which i had nothing to do with.

But then her mother told me i had to fight for the realtionship. She told me that i shouldn't have agreed with her daughter when she ended it. She said I should text her every now and then just to show i still care. That way, her daughter may have a change of heart. But i'm in the process of applying no contact, as a means to heal, to give her space and apply no pressure. I've done the beggin and the pleading when she first broke it off and she still said no. So what else am i supposed to do, I asked my ex's mother. All she said is that something is wrong with her daughter and she has no idea why she would do something like this. In fact, my ex's whole family, uncles, cousins, brother and all are calling her crazy for leaving a great guy for no real reason. Her mother even called it the devil trying to destroy our love.

She told me to give her dughter time, be patient, don't get rid of the engagment ring and pray. She even said that i am supposed to be her son and i will be her son, just be patient and the whole family loves me.

Now, I really didn't need to hear any of this, because i'm trying to heal and trying not to have false hopes that my ex will come back. But this conversation really messed up my whole healing process. I didn't call her mother and had no plans on doing it. But her mother's words gave me hope that my ex would come back.

But my ex's recent behavior is quite the opposite. Today, i got a bunch of emails from my ex, but they were all downloads of my grad school and freelance work that was saved to my old computer. I gave my ex my computer from college and she was just sendng me all of my files. She is completely writing me off, yet her mother is saying she will be back.

Regardless of her mother telling me to text her from time to time just to check up (this way she will regain what ever it is she lost for me, her mother says) I still don't think it's a good idea to contact her. I just don't know what to do. Everything is wierd now.

I eventually slept with the old co worker on Saturday and i thought that would get my mind off things. But i feel terrible now, because i kept thinking of someone with my ex. Nothing feels good anymore. I really wish her mother hadn't called me. Her mother even said that she is going to call my mother so they can all pray together to change my ex's heart.

What am i supposed to do...I want my ex back so bad, but she seems content in her decision and not likely to change. I don't want to contact her or see her because that plays tricks on my mind. Could someone please help me out with a word of wisdom or advise, because i feel like i'm losing my mind.

[malibu]

Ok here is my opinion on the text messaging after a break up. I have been guilty of this. My reason for doing it may not be the same as someone elses but here it is:

I would text message him because I wanted to hear from him. I wanted him to respond to me in some way whether it be texting me a reply or calling me. everytime i texted I was hoping he would call because like most guys he would rather call than type out a message. Most times he would call but occasionally he would text. But the main reason for my texting was because i missed him and wanted to hear from him and that was an easy way for me to get the ball rolling without putting myself out there, so to speak.

[The write one]

Did you break up with your boyfriend though, if not, I understand why you text him. Otherwise, it's all a game that my ex is playing. My ex doesn't want or care for me anymore and I can't do anything to change a grown person's mind. The NC thing isn't working on getting her back because she just told her mother this weekend she didn't want me back and i've been applying no canted for more that 2 weeks now. Man, i wish i didn't talk to her mother. That just send everything i had worked on so far spiraling back down

[malibu]

To answer your question, yes I am the one who broke up with him. And yes I regretted it which is why I still wanted him to be a part of my life. And I have to admit that when I talked about it with people, even my Mom or my sister I tried to play it off like it didnt bother me and even said that I didnt want him back when I really would have taken him back in a minute...I think that was all a matter of pride.

[The write one]

I'm actually glad to hear your reply, not only becasue no one else seems to want to post to my thread, but becasue you were the dumper. It gives me hope.

 

But this morning i get the wierdest text from my ex. She text and called me yesterday all about the GD mail situation. (i used to live with her). I didn't repsond yet (less than 24 hours since she made contact) because i'm apllying the no contact rule, which means i won't immedialy respond, like i did when we were together. Well this morning around 8 a, EST, I get this as a text

 

"Did u happen 2 get my messages. I knw u want me 2 fall off d face of d earth but i didnt u ignoring me is mean rude b/c i dnt wld never do that 2 u."

 

No she wouldn't do that, she would just have me leave a great job and good friends and move 800 miles to be with her, date her exclusivley for 8 years, let me give her an engagment ring, tell me she wants to have my kids and be with me forever and in less than a year of living with her, dumps me and kicks me out her house for no other reason than "I don't have anymore to give in a relationship."

 

So no, i don't feel i'm being mean or rude. I always respond to each one of her whack ass texts, i just don't do it immedialty. She ended it, i didn't. Now, she's lying in the bed she made. Be a responsible adult and know the consequences of your actions before you take them.

 

I feel like i'm going crazy by playing this no contact thing as a means to get her back. I want to reach out to her so bad, but I don't think it's wise. What do you all think.

[turtle32]

Look on bright side at least you are entering into her mind she is texting. Wish i would get a hi from my ex havent heard nothing in a week or more .

[swirly27]

I'm actually glad to hear your reply, not only becasue no one else seems to want to post to my thread, but becasue you were the dumper. It gives me hope.

 

But this morning i get the wierdest text from my ex. She text and called me yesterday all about the GD mail situation. (i used to live with her). I didn't repsond yet (less than 24 hours since she made contact) because i'm apllying the no contact rule, which means i won't immedialy respond, like i did when we were together. Well this morning around 8 a, EST, I get this as a text

 

"Did u happen 2 get my messages. I knw u want me 2 fall off d face of d earth but i didnt u ignoring me is mean rude b/c i dnt wld never do that 2 u."

 

No she wouldn't do that, she would just have me leave a great job and good friends and move 800 miles to be with her, date her exclusivley for 8 years, let me give her an engagment ring, tell me she wants to have my kids and be with me forever and in less than a year of living with her, dumps me and kicks me out her house for no other reason than "I don't have anymore to give in a relationship."

 

So no, i don't feel i'm being mean or rude. I always respond to each one of her whack ass texts, i just don't do it immedialty. She ended it, i didn't. Now, she's lying in the bed she made. Be a responsible adult and know the consequences of your actions before you take them.

 

I feel like i'm going crazy by playing this no contact thing as a means to get her back. I want to reach out to her so bad, but I don't think it's wise. What do you all think.

 

Write - I too was the dumper in my situation....but I don't feel like it, as I ended it because of my exes actions and he doesn't seem too upset that I ended it, so you get my drift. But, you mentioned that this NC is driving you crazy as a means to get her back. THATS the problem, it shouldn't be as a means to get her back....but we all do usually think this way when we miss them. So, you really need to decide what to do....if she is gone and is not coming back and it sounds like she definitely doesn't like laying the bed she made, yet she wants to keep you there as well, then be done with her. Its pretty selfish that she goes thru all of that with you and ends it and here you are trying to distance yourself and when you do, she sends you that text message. Thats her trying to keep you there in her life as a backup or whatever. So, if you know this about her, then completely cut her out of your life. Tell her to leave you alone and that you are trying to move on. You can be honest, tell her how much she hurt you and she can't have it both ways. Pride can be evil sometimes, but if she broke your heart and is making this crazy for you, tell her....and then move on and don't communicate with her. If you want her back but know she's not coming back, then you deserve better and you'll only be ready for that once you break this with the ex and take time to heal. This girl sounds immature.

[serial muse]

yeah, i think i kind of want to point something out here, write. i understand why you're doing NC - being dumped hurts, i've been there, NC helps you feel strong and salvage your pride and distance yourself a bit from the source of the pain.

 

i'm not saying your relationship is salvageable, because i have no idea, but i will say that NC is probably not going to work. and not just because NC is not really intended to reunite couples, but also because one of your ex's MAIN COMPLAINTS is that you retreated into your shell, wouldn't open up to her, etc. etc. she didn't want to give anymore - i suspect that means she felt she bore much of the emotional burden for sorting out disagreements, patching things up, smoothing the waters. that's exhausting. and let's face it, NC is just more of the same from you.

 

i'm not saying you have to break NC. but i am saying that you should see that NC, and not responding to messages, and being cold and distant and whatnot, probably isn't going to change her mind. it's just status quo. you know?

 

but again. i'm not advocating breaking NC. i don't really know enough about your situation to know what, if anything, will work. for example, i have no idea if her complaints have any basis in reality, or if she's really just immature, or if you've tried and tried to communicate with her and it's not working, or what. but if that's what she said a big part of the problem is, then taking the same approach that you took while you guys were together - the one she says drove her away - probably won't bring her back around. maybe i'm way off, but i've been in a relationship with a guy who stonewalled, shut down rather than communicated when he was upset - and the last thing i felt like doing, at the end, was chasing him to beg him to talk to me. that's a real love-killer. i'm just saying.

[turtle32]

That is what i have been thinking i didnt show liked i cared alot when we was toghter and didnt show her alot of attention, so ow i think i should let her know how much i care by sending her mesages that i miss her and make her feel wanted by me am i wrong?

[serial muse]

That is what i have been thinking i didnt show liked i cared alot when we was toghter and didnt show her alot of attention, so ow i think i should let her know how much i care by sending her mesages that i miss her and make her feel wanted by me am i wrong?

 

 

turtle - your situation may be different; sorry, i don't actually know. so i can't say the same advice would apply to your situation. it may be that your ex didn't end things with you for the same reasons that write's did.

[The write one]

You know i never looked at it that way. I'm doing NC as a way to better myself and to understand myself again without the distraction of false hopes. But i'm also hoping that with space and time alone, she will have enough time to really know what she wants. I know i'm contradicting myself, but I still don't want to initiate contact because i'm not 100 percent yet and she'll her that in my voice and it will translate into pressure to get her back. I DON"T LIKE TEXTS, so i don't want to communicate that way, but i guess that is exactly what i did when we were together--retreat. I will contiue to repond to her, but does it have to be immidiate? And should i drop a quick "hya doin" from time to time? I'm confused.

[serial muse]

You know i never looked at it that way. I'm doing NC as a way to better myself and to understand myself again without the distraction of false hopes. But i'm also hoping that with space and time alone, she will have enough time to really know what she wants. I know i'm contradicting myself, but I still don't want to initiate contact because i'm not 100 percent yet and she'll her that in my voice and it will translate into pressure to get her back. I DON"T LIKE TEXTS, so i don't want to communicate that way, but i guess that is exactly what i did when we were together--retreat. I will contiue to repond to her, but does it have to be immidiate? And should i drop a quick "hya doin" from time to time? I'm confused.

 

 

hey write - look, i'm sorry because i don't want to make you feel worse. that wasn't my intention at all. and i don't really know whether she's right about what she said, either. also, i want to add that i 100% agree with you about texts! they're obnoxious and cowardly.

 

so that said, i might be contradicting myself here, but i don't necessarily think NC is the worst thing - i mean, if it helps you figure out what you want, and get some perspective, then it's helpful. but i guess what i'm wondering is - was your breakup emotional at all? or did you accept it and immediately go NC? in other words, does she know how you feel about the breakup? did she say she often feels pressured by you?

 

i know others might disagree with me on this, but if you've never told her how you feel, i think saying it once is not a bad idea. calmly, rationally - not in a pressuring way, but just, look, this is hurtful to me when you text me because i'm still dealing with this breakup. i hear what you said about why you were frustrated, and i understand some of your unhappiness with our relationship, although i can't say i fully understand why you ended it. but i'm trying to accept it and move on.

 

and then leave it alone.

 

i wouldn't think about the hey howya doin' thing...i don't think that should be on the horizon at this point. but i guess i'm advocating the idea that it might be okay to share your feelings a little bit - not dissolve into a mess, just let her know you have them. and that although you're hurt, you also have dignity, and the texting should now stop.

[blind_otter]

You know i never looked at it that way. I'm doing NC as a way to better myself and to understand myself again without the distraction of false hopes. But i'm also hoping that with space and time alone, she will have enough time to really know what she wants. I know i'm contradicting myself, but I still don't want to initiate contact because i'm not 100 percent yet and she'll her that in my voice and it will translate into pressure to get her back. I DON"T LIKE TEXTS, so i don't want to communicate that way, but i guess that is exactly what i did when we were together--retreat. I will contiue to repond to her, but does it have to be immidiate? And should i drop a quick "hya doin" from time to time? I'm confused.

 

Ok, stop the insanity. STOP THE INSANITY!

 

Call her, communicate in whatever fashion that she will accept, and tell her "I don't like texts. I need time to get my head together because our breakup messed me up. When you keep contacting me, I feel confused and upset."

 

I agree with serial. Communicate once, and that's all she wrote. No pun intended. She needs to respect your right to have time to get over this. What happened between you guys was seriously screwed up. I don't even know the details, but after 8 years and an engagement, the end of relationship hurts both people.

 

As long as you draw this out, you will continue to hurt.

[The write one]

Yeah, i being chicken sh** by not just telling her straight out that texting and communicating hurts right now because i always hope she'll come out and say "Take me back! I made a mistake!" I just need to stop being scared about hurting her fealings and tell her to leave me the hell alone. I mean, it's not like she's my girl or anything, he he.

 

As for pressure, I first agreed and thanked her for making an adult decision on breaking it now as opposed to drawing it out into a potential terrible divorce. I literally would have held on that long (I was in love, ya know) I agreed because she had completely shut off from me for a while before the break and it fustrated me and i'd go silent. That cycle continued for a longtime, so at the time i thought a break up was best...But then i realized that I couldn'r accept that and i begged and cried and emailed three different times for her to take me back and she said no. Then, i finally moved out her house and we met for drinks to drop off my portion of the wedding fund. Back at my place (yeah, I got her to come back to the crib) I tried to get a kiss and she said no because everything is confusing. She then said she wanted to be friends and i told her that i can't be her friend because i can't see her in another capacity other than my woman and i still love her. "I can't go from fiancee to friends in a few day," i said. Then she said "I have to go then."

 

So i've expressed my feeling several times, in several different ways, but when i have her mother tell me to fight for the relationship and then she sends me the evil text to let me know how bad of a person i am, it gets confusing on what to do.

 

I posted that i want her back and i've posted that i'm doing NC as a means to better myself so she'll see that i've changed. I feel i've done all i can and the rest (ending it forever or getting back together) is on her. Hell, i gave up everything, literally everything to prove my love...All i ask is that she sit back by her damn self without any distractions and really think about if she wants "us" to end forever. I feel she hasn't done that. I believe she has a bunch of people in her ear telling her what to do. That's all I ask and i don't want to be one of those freaking puppet masters . If she decides the break up is best for her in the long run, I'll accept that.

 

But don't make me feel like sh**, while i already feel like sh** by sending me texts about how i'm mean and rude. It just seems like she's trying to justify herself for not being "mean and rude" by ending it after having me move out here and ruin my life for her.

 

She is doing what is called "self betrayal," a meathod i just read about in the book "The Bonds that Make Us Free" Very good book for all the broken hearted and all the people suffering in bad personal relationships. (No, i'm not trying to sale anything)

[The write one]

Yeah, i being chicken sh** by not just telling her straight out that texting and communicating hurts right now because i always hope she'll come out and say "Take me back! I made a mistake!" I just need to stop being scared about hurting her fealings and tell her to leave me the hell alone. I mean, it's not like she's my girl or anything, he he.

 

As for pressure, I first agreed and thanked her for making an adult decision on breaking it now as opposed to drawing it out into a potential terrible divorce. I literally would have held on that long (I was in love, ya know) I agreed because she had completely shut off from me for a while before the break and it fustrated me and i'd go silent. That cycle continued for a longtime, so at the time i thought a break up was best...But then i realized that I couldn'r accept that and i begged and cried and emailed three different times for her to take me back and she said no. Then, i finally moved out her house and we met for drinks to drop off my portion of the wedding fund. Back at my place (yeah, I got her to come back to the crib) I tried to get a kiss and she said no because everything is confusing. She then said she wanted to be friends and i told her that i can't be her friend because i can't see her in another capacity other than my woman and i still love her. "I can't go from fiancee to friends in a few day," i said. Then she said "I have to go then."

 

So i've expressed my feeling several times, in several different ways, but when i have her mother tell me to fight for the relationship and then she sends me the evil text to let me know how bad of a person i am, it gets confusing on what to do.

 

I posted that i want her back and i've posted that i'm doing NC as a means to better myself so she'll see that i've changed. I feel i've done all i can and the rest (ending it forever or getting back together) is on her. Hell, i gave up everything, literally everything to prove my love...All i ask is that she sit back by her damn self without any distractions and really think about if she wants "us" to end forever. I feel she hasn't done that. I believe she has a bunch of people in her ear telling her what to do. That's all I ask and i don't want to be one of those freaking puppet masters . If she decides the break up is best for her in the long run, I'll accept that.

 

But don't make me feel like sh**, while i already feel like sh** by sending me texts about how i'm mean and rude. It just seems like she's trying to justify herself for not being "mean and rude" by ending it after having me move out here and ruin my life for her.

 

She is doing what is called "self betrayal," a meathod i just read about in the book "The Bonds that Make Us Free" Very good book for all the broken hearted and all the people suffering in bad personal relationships. (No, i'm not trying to sale anything)

[blind_otter]

the whole mother calling you thing was just out of line. I hate it when people involve other family members. Or anyone else for that matter, I mean, you have to be sensitive and know that both parties are hurting. I don't mean she shouldn't call you to see if you're ok, if you guys were close or whatever. But grilling you about the recent breakup details is just so tacky, ok? No offense. Moms know how to guilt trip like nobody's business.

 

I'm just saying....

[The write one]

I do have to say, the mother was told not to call by my ex. But she just found her duaghter's decision so strange and confusing that she called me to found out if there was something else to it.

 

But still all the we love you and give her time, and don't get rid of the ring and don't move on and fight for the relationship and text her to ask about her job, and she cries everyday and she's losing wieght and she is confused and i'm gonna call your mother so we can pray together for love again, made me think...If her mother wants us to continue, her daughter must not be far behind.

 

Which send me right back to false hope land. That's a place where all the signs piont to one thing but you believe theri pionting the other way. Don't go there becasue you'll only get lost.

[blind_otter]

false hope land. That's a place where all the signs piont to one thing but you believe theri pionting the other way. Don't go there becasue you'll only get lost.

 

word.

 

you've got to control the general direction of your thoughts, especially when times are tough. don't lose focus on dealing with now. I do hope things work out in whatever way will benefit you the most.

[The write one]

Thanx, I just need a few bit** slaps to sober the hell up. Love is literally intoxicating and this text sh** is like the shot glass.

[blind_otter]

To be honest with you, I never did accept text messaging in general, I personally think it's a bit of a rude form of communication. I've never done it myself. I always call people on the phone when I want to talk to them. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. No offense to your ex or anything.

[The write one]

Go back four pages, I agree with you. You don't have to apologize about my ex. I'm on your side remember. Texts are simply cop outs. Ways to say hello without the fear of someone not saying it back. Apparently my ex didn't get the memo on that one and is heated over the fact i won't respond. But in due time my child, in due time...HA HA HA HA (sinister laughter)

[blind_otter]

I guess text messages are the modern day, technological equivalent of throwing a rock through your window with a note wrapped around it. I'm just saying!

[burning 4 revenge]

I guess text messages are the modern day, technological equivalent of throwing a rock through your window with a note wrapped around it. I'm just saying!

 

I think this is the case BO. Even e-mails and instant messaging is far better, as there is room left for real communication and elaboration. Texting is for teenagers.