any and all opinions please

[d]

If someone proposed to you, asks you to share a life with them, then a couple days later (after you say yes) tells you they don't want thier ex-gf to find out (the mother of his daughter-joint custody-lives primarily with mom-left him 2 years ago) didn't tell her for 4 months and when he did (because they were in court) said at least I told her.

 

What would this suggest to you?

 

Would this be confusing for you?

 

Would you question him on why?

 

Would this feel like somewhat of a contridiction by asking someone to be apart of thier life which includes being a step-parent, but not wanting the ex to find out so she can also in time possibly except that for herself and thier daughter?

 

Any and all opinions wanted please.

[d]

Sorry another question,

 

If your fiance and his ex-gf hid things from each other and are not very honest with each other how would you feel about marrying into this?

[Tony T]

YOU ASK: "If your fiance and his ex-gf hid things from each other and are not very honest with each other how would you feel about marrying into this?"

 

I don't think your fiance and his ex-girlfriend have any kind of responsibility or obligation to disclose aspects of their lives to each other.

 

However, if he is outright lying to her then he will lie to you as well.

 

Break it off as soon as possible. You can't teach a liar to tell the truth overnight. I don't care how much he cries, save yourself a lifetime of tears. The only thing worse than being with a liar is being with a terrorist.

 

He is probably fairly honest with you now. But once he establishes a history with you and the two of you get involved in life issues, you can bet you won't get the straight skinny from him.

 

So very sorry...but glad you asked beforehand.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. What would this suggest to you?

 

It would suggest that there is some compelling reason he doesn't want his ex girlfriend and the mother of his child to know he was engaged. Maybe she will try to take him to court for more money. Maybe he is having sex with her on the side and she will cut him off if she finds out she's engaged.

 

I think you ought to ask him this question...and be very satisfied with the answer.

 

2. Would this be confusing for you?

 

It would be confusing until I got a good answer.

 

3. Would you question him on why?

 

Absolutely. I wouldn't hesitate a half of a second. I can't believe you haven't confronted him already. This kind of snakey stuff is not good in a relationship.

 

4. Would this feel like somewhat of a contridiction by asking someone to be apart of thier life which includes being a step-parent, but not wanting the ex to find out so she can also in time possibly except that for herself and thier daughter?

 

Yes, it is somewhat of a contradiction. Maybe he is hesitating because he just doesn't know how to tell her. Maybe he thinks she'll go bonkers or something. You better get to the bottom of this real fast.

 

I think you're in for trouble with a guy like this...love is enough of a gamble without going out the starting gate with this sort of thing happening.

[velvet]

Well if he wants to be your husband you should tell him that keeping things from you wont work. Marriage is a unity to become one, to be whole. Marriage isnt two seperate lives. It means knowing your husband. When you take his last name you become him, knowing him fully.

 

You mentioned they were in court together. He may not of wanted to let his ex-g/f know about you for legal reasons.

 

If that is the case you should at least know what those reasons are about. Ask him, if he wants to marry you he cant keep secrets.

 

If someone proposed to you, asks you to share a life with them, then a couple days later (after you say yes) tells you they don't want thier ex-gf to find out (the mother of his daughter-joint custody-lives primarily with mom-left him 2 years ago) didn't tell her for 4 months and when he did (because they were in court) said at least I told her. What would this suggest to you? Would this be confusing for you? Would you question him on why? Would this feel like somewhat of a contridiction by asking someone to be apart of thier life which includes being a step-parent, but not wanting the ex to find out so she can also in time possibly except that for herself and thier daughter? Any and all opinions wanted please.

[Miss Mojo]

hi d,

 

when a person is offering you marriage, then they should also be offering you something that is crucial to this union - honesty.

 

if he's going to tell you that he doesn't want his ex-girlfriend to find out that you are now engaged, then he should have the decency to also explain why. no one in their right mind would just shrug off such a thing, unless they'd just been hit over the head with a hardback copy of "emotional intelligence".

 

if he's going to divulge information like that, then he should be 100% honest with you.

 

my main concern, however, is that he may keep information from YOU.

 

i would tell him in plain english that if he's going to fill you in on an issue, to fill you in on the *whole* issue. e.g. "just want to let you know that i'm not telling the ex about our engagement yet because.....". would that have been so hard? i don't think so. he's just gone and made you wonder about something (and rightly so) because he hasn't had the decency to be up-front. you would have found out sooner or later that he didn't tell her straight away about the engagement. this is all the more reason for him to have said something to you SOONER about putting-off telling her.

 

the fact that "at least he told her" is a cop-out. it's honesty or it's not, because like it or not, she is indirectly involved in your life now. of course, you don't have a right to know everything but if it includes you, then you do.

 

if he can't be honest about his intentions and/or motives then tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

good luck