Dealing w/a Depressed b/f

[Ms. C]

okay i have been in a relationship with my b/f for about five years.

 

We had our ups and downs.

 

I am the open one.

 

He is the closed one. (rarely is honest and sharing of feelings)

 

I have tried to be understanding of every and any situation.

 

BUT

 

here is the situation....

 

Two weeks ago he tells me that his feelings for me have changed.

 

He is falling out of love with me.

 

I try to dig in deeper for reasons.

 

Then he confesses that he is just not content with anything right now. That includes me.

 

He is sick of his job, life, family, girlfriend....etc.

 

I tell him that I can be there for him. But then he says he needs a break. I did.

 

Now he tells me today that he has given up on us.

 

He no longer wants to work at it.

 

Although in my opinion he never truly did.

 

I am very upset.

 

I feel like I was not even close to him at any level.

 

He just decided to dump me.

 

How should i proceed in this situation?

 

Thank you in advance for any advice

[Bill]

Play hard to get for a while. Do not contact him... force him to miss you. This is the best, and only thing that could work. If after two weeks this is not working, contact him, there may be another reason why this is happening at that time.

okay i have been in a relationship with my b/f for about five years. We had our ups and downs. I am the open one. He is the closed one. (rarely is honest and sharing of feelings) I have tried to be understanding of every and any situation. BUT here is the situation.... Two weeks ago he tells me that his feelings for me have changed. He is falling out of love with me. I try to dig in deeper for reasons. Then he confesses that he is just not content with anything right now. That includes me. He is sick of his job, life, family, girlfriend....etc.

 

I tell him that I can be there for him. But then he says he needs a break. I did. Now he tells me today that he has given up on us. He no longer wants to work at it. Although in my opinion he never truly did.

 

I am very upset. I feel like I was not even close to him at any level. He just decided to dump me. How should i proceed in this situation? Thank you in advance for any advice

[yes]

I agree with Bill - get away from him... that's all you can do. Judging by how he acts, u'll know what to do w/ him next ...

 

Best of luck.

okay i have been in a relationship with my b/f for about five years. We had our ups and downs. I am the open one. He is the closed one. (rarely is honest and sharing of feelings) I have tried to be understanding of every and any situation. BUT here is the situation.... Two weeks ago he tells me that his feelings for me have changed. He is falling out of love with me. I try to dig in deeper for reasons. Then he confesses that he is just not content with anything right now. That includes me. He is sick of his job, life, family, girlfriend....etc.

 

I tell him that I can be there for him. But then he says he needs a break. I did. Now he tells me today that he has given up on us. He no longer wants to work at it. Although in my opinion he never truly did.

 

I am very upset. I feel like I was not even close to him at any level. He just decided to dump me. How should i proceed in this situation? Thank you in advance for any advice

[velvet]

You should put the blame on him. Tell him up front that your ending the r/s becuase he has not opened up to express himself over the last five years.

 

It sounds like his fault to me. There could be all kinds of things locked up inside of him. And THAT is why he is the way he is now.

 

okay i have been in a relationship with my b/f for about five years. We had our ups and downs. I am the open one. He is the closed one. (rarely is honest and sharing of feelings) I have tried to be understanding of every and any situation. BUT here is the situation.... Two weeks ago he tells me that his feelings for me have changed. He is falling out of love with me. I try to dig in deeper for reasons. Then he confesses that he is just not content with anything right now. That includes me. He is sick of his job, life, family, girlfriend....etc.

 

I tell him that I can be there for him. But then he says he needs a break. I did. Now he tells me today that he has given up on us. He no longer wants to work at it. Although in my opinion he never truly did.

 

I am very upset. I feel like I was not even close to him at any level. He just decided to dump me. How should i proceed in this situation? Thank you in advance for any advice

[midori]

There's a lot going on here. The obvious thing is that your boyfriend has thrown in the towel. He's not willing to make any effort for your relationship. That in and of itself ought to be enough to make you want to walk away yourself. Why should you be putting effort into something when he is not? What would you get out of it? That's pretty clear, even if it's hard to reconcile yourself to.

 

But that's not all. Bear in mind that throughout your relationship your bf was not willing to open himself up to you. He was placing restrictions on you and on the relationship -- you were only allowed so far into his inner life, the relationship could only progress so far. Is that really what you want from a relationship? I'm guessing not, I'm guessing that you stuck it out anticipating that he'd improve with time & trust. That didn't happen -- and five years is more than enough time to see that.

 

What can you do? Nothing -- and there's nothing you SHOULD do. If he's serious about not loving you anymore, about being dissatisfied with your relationship, well, to hell with him. That's not your problem. He's not interested in talking about it, well, all that says is that he can't even articulate what the problems are. Which generally is a good indication that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Most of us are pretty good at describing others' problems, shortcomings, etc. , but when it comes to ourselves we can be incredibly blind & dumb.

 

Looks to me like your bf has a lot to sort out for himself. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But it's not something you can do for him, it's probably not even something you can help him with. It's gotta come from him to be meaningful & real. So I'd say, drop off his radar screen entirely. Move on with your life. Seek your own happiness, which most certainly does not lie with this man. Not now and, most likely, not ever. Don't let him keep you anchored to him. He's got to sort himself out. Try not to think about when/if/how he'll get to the point where he's realized what a mistake he made in letting you go. Assume he won't and move on. If he does try to make a come-back remember that actions speak louder than words. If he's sincere and has really changed, his words will match his behavior and he won't leave you in doubt about him. Realize that may never happen. Don't pin any hopes on this man, and keep your eyes open should he try to come back.

 

Good luck.

[Scorpio]

Midori's spot on. I know a woman who's going through a similar situation to yours right now, Ms. C., and it's painful to watch because she blames herself and won't let go. "If I love him enough maybe he'll come back" and so forth. Don't try and make a martyr of yourself!!! I know that five years is a long time to be seeing someone, and you can't turn off your feelings with the flick of a switch, but you need to try. That means letting him sort out his own problems, in his own way, without spending every waking moment wondering if he's doing alright or if he'll come back to you. Stop referring to him as your boyfriend; it will help get you in the right mindset.

 

Midori has already pointed out that the problem almost certainly lies with him, and his unwillingness to give anything but vague reasons for leaving tends to back that up. You've cared about him for five years and he's never shown much emotion -- you even say you're not sure he was ever really into your relationship. This guy isn't worth your time. I don't know if that's what you want to hear right now, but it's true. In the future, when you're seeing a man who's really loving and caring, you'll look back on this and wonder what in the world made you stay with him for so long.

 

There's a lot going on here. The obvious thing is that your boyfriend has thrown in the towel. He's not willing to make any effort for your relationship. That in and of itself ought to be enough to make you want to walk away yourself. Why should you be putting effort into something when he is not? What would you get out of it? That's pretty clear, even if it's hard to reconcile yourself to. But that's not all. Bear in mind that throughout your relationship your bf was not willing to open himself up to you. He was placing restrictions on you and on the relationship -- you were only allowed so far into his inner life, the relationship could only progress so far. Is that really what you want from a relationship? I'm guessing not, I'm guessing that you stuck it out anticipating that he'd improve with time & trust. That didn't happen -- and five years is more than enough time to see that. What can you do? Nothing -- and there's nothing you SHOULD do. If he's serious about not loving you anymore, about being dissatisfied with your relationship, well, to hell with him. That's not your problem. He's not interested in talking about it, well, all that says is that he can't even articulate what the problems are. Which generally is a good indication that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Most of us are pretty good at describing others' problems, shortcomings, etc. , but when it comes to ourselves we can be incredibly blind & dumb. Looks to me like your bf has a lot to sort out for himself. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But it's not something you can do for him, it's probably not even something you can help him with. It's gotta come from him to be meaningful & real. So I'd say, drop off his radar screen entirely. Move on with your life. Seek your own happiness, which most certainly does not lie with this man. Not now and, most likely, not ever. Don't let him keep you anchored to him. He's got to sort himself out. Try not to think about when/if/how he'll get to the point where he's realized what a mistake he made in letting you go. Assume he won't and move on. If he does try to make a come-back remember that actions speak louder than words. If he's sincere and has really changed, his words will match his behavior and he won't leave you in doubt about him. Realize that may never happen. Don't pin any hopes on this man, and keep your eyes open should he try to come back. Good luck.

[Midnight Magic]

My advice is to find someone who will love you for who you are and trust me it will be worth the wait

 

Take care and best of luck you deserve it

 

Just don't look for love too hard, love will find you