my ex is lost, and feels he doesnt know himself

[Josalina]

whats fall? i have never heard of that weather in my life lol.

 

i live in great britain, essex, near colchester and hour train from london, the capital and it is a little village on the coat, it is lovely, in the summer it is boiling and the beach and town is very pretty but in winter it is very cold and snowy is magical over christmas though.

 

where abouts in US r u?

 

i had better go get ready, speak soon.

[Confused5433]

Im in the same state as both of you, so I hope you don't mind if I join in.

The situation with my ex is different and very complicated, but the feeling of longing, of emptiness and loneliness are still the same when Im without him.

It has been over a yr since we started and there were so many things he did to me, disrespectful messages, cheating and lies. But for some reason he won't let go, and neither can I. He was my first love and meant the world to me.

Our final breakup was in march and I worked so hard not to reach him...I only lasted 2months. Then I found out he was getting married to for papers (he needs his residency in the US) and said that he would be happy with this girl and give her all of him. So I picked up myself from falling apart after hearing the news, held on to my dignity and said "I hope you find your happiness with her, goodbye and God Bless"

 

And I was set on forgetting about him...until...he txt me. He needed to talk with me because he was miserable and said he rushed to marry out of necessity and because I ended the relationship because I needed a break (which is partly true...long story). Now, we've communicated a couple of times and seen each other few times...but it's so hard.

I feel just like you ladies, empty without him and so lonely, constantly thinking about him at every moment of my day.

 

However, I've had some bad experiences with him. He's not a bad person, just very immature and selfish. But deep down (like most men I guess) he is a good guy, wanting to do good, just can't seem to control himself.

He feels I'm his love, but there is so much baggage in the relationship already, and the fact that he is married, that it makes our situation nearly impossible.

 

Well my real message is ...Josalina.

It's hard..yes, but at the same time sometimes because of our 'dignity' we miss out on reaching out to that person and actually making them feel that you do care. I think after reading your posts, you should once in a while check up on him, casually like a friend.

This will be good for you, because

a. if he acts like a jerk and says something bad (even if it hurts, it will help you in the longterm realize that he wasn't worth it)

b. if he is brief and nice, at least he knows that you care for him and if he is going throuth 1/4 life crisis, he will realize that you're still there as a friend to help him out.

 

Either way if he doesn't make an effort to come back, you can feel like you have fought to give some part of your love to him. I know it may sound crazy, but why keep it in.....serioulsly why? Just call him, fight for him, you might not know him, but he might be needing you, and because we hold so much pride we loose good people.

Then again, he could be a jerk like my ex, and it's also ok. Because, even though I still love him....he has tainted his image.

I see him as someone I couldn't be with unless he becomes a different person.

 

Let me warn you, either way it hurts, but it helps your process instead of the NC...do NC, when you seriously don't want NC with the ex. Just use moderation, don't stalk him, or call him everyday...just once in a blue moon, when it's driving you crazy....then little by little let it go....

And you should be better....at least that's how I've coped.

 

And somedays I remember the beautiful, passionate moments, miss it....and then remember the terrible moments...and hate him, and thank God I saved myself from him.

 

I hope this Long post makes sense and serves you in some way.....

 

PS: Let's keep pampering ourselves, we deserve it and it feels great...I took up belly dancing last tuesday.

[Confused5433]

If you're interested in my story...he's been the subject since my first thread....

This is why I love this forum, going back give me more strenght...and opens my eyes to reality.

Im still recovering, but slowly getting much better....I think it's possible.

 

So keep posting.

[Josalina]

hi confused, nice to hear from you, sorry u have been through it as well.

 

i have already told him two weeks after we split up, 3 weeks ago now that i still missed him and loved him, he knows i care, he text me wed eve and i text him back later on he carried on texting thurs on and off for a little while, but he was acting likle afriend and nothing else u may find more of that info if u want to read it on the 'ahhhh' thread lol.

 

everyone on her is so nice, i never even knew this site exsited until i broke up with my ex and was looking for reasons on why it may of happened i typed in 'my ex is lost and confused' on google to see if anything came up lol and this site came up with people having same sort of problems, so call it fate but i could not of made it through if it hadn't been for these people on here, swirly spoke to me first bless her and i have hung on to her ever sinse lol, poor woman ha ha.

 

how long ago was ur break up confused?

i hope u have good weekend.

[Josalina]

i am really lonely this evening, its the first time i have felt this again in a while, i won't text or speak to the ex though.

 

i wish i could find a lovely well groomed man that respected me and i was attracted to inside and out, not that easy i know, i am just missing the little things like a cuddle lol, stupid i know.

 

the true is i don't really want anyone else, i don't even know if i want my ex back now, i don't know what i want which is quite confusing actually.

 

has anyone elae been in this situation as i think i am going mad lol, i want what i can't have, yet i don't know what i want. i miss him, but don't know if i should???!!!!!!!

i am so sad, yet so relieved.

happy but lonely.

confused yet mind set.

 

i am feeling a bit of a mind mess today. feels like we have only just split up again and i am on the emotional rollercoaster lol.

sorry to go on.

[SurvivingHB]

Josalina,

 

You are perfectly normal. It has been extremely difficult for me not to contact him, either. We need to be strong. We are all here for you.

[swirly27]

Yep yep Josaline, it is soooo normal. It won't be until after you are completely over him that you'll be able to look back and observe things about this experience....but as you go thru it, its horrible. But, time does heal EVERYTHING, it just simply does. Until that time passes, doing what you can to stay sane is all we can do. Look for me its been 9 weeks and NOTHING and I am still hurting.....haven't broken NC though and I am hoping without him jerking my strings that the time needed won't be too much longer. I hope. You are doing everything you should though, so keep it up! Try going on some dates....even though its probably the last thing you want to do, it could your mind occupied and give you something else to focus on or talk about.....or laugh about if its a ridiculous date! Sometimes they are the best ones...I have a couple funny date stories.

[Josalina]

lol, y what the worst one swirl? lol

 

thanks guys, i do feel very low still, its stupid i am meant to be enjoying being single lol.

 

its wierd i just don't know how to feel?! lol

 

i went to the gym today, the really nice guy didn't speak to me much, that made me a lil low too, i just got a loadsa old men gorping at me, which was distressing lol to say the least.

i want to feel wanted again, ya know, and not by ungly old men! ha ha.

[swirly27]

Sorry you are still feeling low. This is one of the cons of breaking the NC - the ups and downs of excitement and disappointment - you felt great a few days ago because you held up strong and didn't go running right away to respond back but your heart still hoped more would come of it, when in reality he probably just wanted to see that he could still contact you and hear how you are.....which doesn't necessarily have to be all bad - unless it hurts you alot, and it seems to be. If he starts abusing this 'friendship' you guys are to have, that might be where you have to tell him it hurts too much - it doesn't really sound like he is doing that yet but with him contacting you, I can tell it got your hopes up a little and that is TOTALLY understandable cause most of us would too, but try and remember you are living your life for you and moving on - if he comes back into your life, it'll be because he grew and realized things on his own time....and maybe by then you won't even be available. lol

[Josalina]

yeah sods law hey! lol ha ha u know i actually miss him so much i want a punch bag with his name on it lol, the silly ol' twitter brain!

sadest thing is i couldn't hurt a fly lol.

 

oh well hard cheese, i am moving people and although it breaks my heart it may be repairable yet!!! lol

 

part of me feels like it is lost but i am trying to keep my mind off it, by singing, 'oh happy days'! lol no really i have resulted in taking up opera again too, so on a positive note i 'uhhhh ahhhhhhhhh!!!' ha ha ha

[swirly27]

So you're moving Josalina? Where to?

It sounds like you are a little more on an up note today, which is good. Being silly and feeling silly and laughing are great medicines for broken hearts, and yes it is repairable.

 

Yeah, you should try going on some dates, just to get out and about. I hate dates, haha, I get all nervous and worked up, but I did go on a few last year and they were funny. Not too bad, but nothing really worked from any of them, except the one guy who fell for me but I didn't feel that way for him. But it gave me something to talk about, the dates. Its also a good way to meet new people and who knows, make some new friends. I think soon here I will try the dating service my dad really wants me to do - I have thought about it and what can it really hurt? I'll have no expectations and will meet lots of people - but not just yet! lol

 

Well hope today is going better for you Josa, you're doing great and keeping busy and doing things, thats all anyone can do. I have to say I think my hope with my ex is starting to truly slip away, which is a good thing!! Just keep doing what you're doing and if you hear from the ex again, like I suggested before, maybe just ignore it for once and keep busy, you don't have to be mean to him, but live your life for YOU!

[Josalina]

ha ha oh i meant i am moving on, lol don't worry i'm not going that drastic lol just missed the word! being a klutz as Late would call it.

 

I am trying to be more positive and stronger as a front, but really i am covering up the fact i am dying inside, i feel like breaking down but i won't let myself get that bad, i am sad but the cover up helps me move on, ya know?

 

how r u today?

[swirly27]

Aww, I know what you mean about covering up - but try and think of it this way....you're not in denial, you know you miss him and are hurting and you are being honest about all of that on here. You know it will take time and healing and you are doing all the things you should be doing to try and heal and move on - you are just sad and in front of your friends and such, you may cover a little but better to TRY and be ok than to ALWAYS be crying or upset, so its not really covering, its more like taking a break from always being upset.....and then thru time and healing and doing good things for ourselves, we will be better and we'll be over it.

 

I am doing ok I guess. I think for some reason, even though it sounds cheesy, after tuesday came and went, I am feeling a bit different. If you remember, my psychic said she felt emphatic that I would hear from him by tuesday and I didn't, so even though I shouldn't have depended on that, I think I did and now that its past, alot of my hope went with it....either that or just as more and more time goes by, its slowly fading.....this is why NC does help in the long run - it hurts like hell along the way but it causes things to fade. Hope you are doing better today!

[Josalina]

if you read your postie swirl i have explained how my evening went when i went out so i won't write it all over lol.

you know although part of me feels worse as noone matched up to my ex i know there are plently more men out there though, its just sods law i have loadsa of men asking to take me out and the one man i want don't want me! lol its joke really but unfortuatly i can't see the funny side yet.

 

i am happy to of been out with the girls and i had fun but i miss my ex more and more, i need to find someone better than him before i can move on, mr right must be waiting somewhere but in the mean time i am going to have fun and heal my broken heart, that is if it actually can be repaired lol and look on the bright side.

so pleased you are going out tonight swirly.

take care

[Josalina]

my ex has written a letter, about all his thought and feelings for me.... but won't let me see it as he thinks i sound happier and he don't wanna make me sad as it is far to deep to handle!!!???

now i am really annoyed, he is playing games with me, and i don't know what he wants, he wrote the letter 3 or 4 weeks ago he said and the only reason i can't c it is bcos it is 2 deep and sad and he don't wanna upst me now i am sounding happier? he is really getting to me as he knows i still have questions unanswered and i want to read it to find out.

i said i weren't gonna sound sad bcos i don't mope around no matter how i feel, he text back saying i understand, at work now have a gd eve. xxx

i am so confused!!!! what does he want from me?

[Confused5433]

Hi Josalina...I know I've been out of this page for quite some time, but I had some healing to do on my own. I think you're ex is testing the waters, and play along. The more he hurts you the better. I know that sounds cruel, but really there will be a point, I swear, where he will taint the good things and you will say: "Enough is enough" then it will hurt again, but this time it will be easier. Ask to meet and have your questions answered if necessary, do what you're heart truly tells you and don't be scared.

One day, I promise, your heart will tell you, this is it...it's over, I give up on him. And then the true recovery has begun. It takes time, but it happens. I played along with my ex and he one day he just didn't answer my txt or my email, and then I knew it. It was clear, this is truly the end for me. And now I feel so much better. I still miss him of course, and I think I still love him. But it's different, life seems brighter and our experience was just that an experience and learning opportunity for both of us. But hey, we can't do all the work, if they give up on us then we must do what is right and give up on them too inside. Does that make sense?

 

Be strong, hold on and let time heal you. It might take you weeks, months or a couple of yrs, but it's all normal and one day it will be all over.

 

Here is a little something from a great book I've picked up (highly recommended, 'el Zahir' by Paulo Coelho)

This man's wife left him without saying why or where and this is what he writes:

 

But Esther had disappeared and left clues that were visible only to me, as if it were a secret message. I'm leaving.

Why?

Is that question worth answering?

No. Because hidden in the answer is my own inability to keep the woman I love by my side. Is it worth finding her and persuading her to come back? Begging and imploring her to give our marriage another chance?

That seems ridiculous: it would be better merely to suffer as I had in the past, when other people I loved had left me. It would be better just to lick my wounds, as I had also done in the past. For a while, I'll think obsessively about her, I'll become embittered, I'll bore my friends because all I ever talk about is my wifer leaving me. I'll try to justify what happened, spend days and nights reviewing every moment spent by her side, I'll conclude that she was too hard on me, even though I always tried to do my best. I'll find other women. When I walk down the street, I'll keep seeing women who could be her. I'll suffer day and night, night and day. This could take weeks, months, possibly a year or more.

 

(this is the good part)

Until one morning, I'll wake up and find I'm thinking about something else, and then I'll know the worst is over. My heart might be bruised, but I will recover, and become capable of seeing the beauty of life once more. It's happened before, it will happen again, I'm sure.

 

(I love this part, read it and believe it)

When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive-I'll find love again.

 

[Josalina]

confused that was lovely. i will find that book at the library.

 

i went on a dtae last night, first date since the ex, so for around 3 years lol, the guy was lovely, he wants to see me again tonight, but i don't want anything heavy yet.

i have heard from the ex, he wanted to meet up with me, i said i would like to and i haven't heard another word about it since, he has started back at uni and his contract has run out at that bar he worked at over the summer that changed him, ironic that now he wants to talk.

 

i am a little confused, i do still miss him and i know i love him, but i am no longer IN love with him, if you know what i mean, the trust has gone now and i need to come to terms with the fact that he is still wanting to leave the country.

 

i have seen him with another girl she looks a little younger than me, she is also a entertainer as i am, i feel he is being a little mean as i have been signed off with an injury and haven't been able to act, dance , entertain etc for a bit till i recover so he has gone off with the next best thing.

i dunno, still a lilttle sensitive i guess.

my friends have seen him with her too, but he swore blind she was just a mate to me, but who knows. his dad told me he is over friendly with a dancer and my mate liturally just rung to say my ex is taking the same girl to an 18th bday party tonight and her sister is going so she will find out everything.

 

i feel low again now hearing that, all the girls im going to be with tonight already know and we are going to be hearing about my ex and his partner at 10pm, oh great i can't blinking wait!! lol im joking.

 

well i hope u r ok? how has it been?

[swirly27]

Hi Josa, I know its been awhile. I was away on vacation and just got back 2 days ago. I am sorry to see you are feeling low again.....but looking back on the last few months, do you see how things are changing and different phases are coming and going and the hurt feels different with each experience? Confused's post was wonderful and that story was wonderful. You will just wake up one day and not be thinking about it all the same way and you'll feel genuinely over things.

 

I hope things are going good for you and congrats on the date! Even if you're not looking for anything, dating is always a good thing. It can be hard at times and hurt a little after a breakup, but its usually always a good thing. I hope you have fun with your friends this weekend and try not to worry too much about your ex and the other girl (easier said than done I know). You deserve better than all this guessing and wondering....we both do!!

[Confused5433]

Im doing great...today was an absolute beautiful day. One of those days when we go out to nature and feel closer to life and God.

It's funny, but I'm starting to heal and forget so many things about my ex, and find myself thinking of him less and less. I thought it could never happen, but it has. He hasn't dared to get in touch with me and it has been a little over a month, and I hope he is smart enough to stay away for good. For his own sake, because I won't have the same interest and might end up hurting him. I've also been watching many movies, that opened my eyes to what a real loving relationship should be like. I know they're all scripted and in reality things aren't so fairy-tale like, but what I went through is totatlly opposite of what a normal loving relationship should have been like. If you're interested all my threads are about him since 2005.

 

So how did it go with your friends? Did you hear from him? Have you had your talk with him?

Do what feels right always.....follow your intuition and if he truly isn't the one, soon enough you will WAKE UP and see things clearly.

 

I hope you get to feel what I felt today, I posted this blog in another page today. Thought I might share

 

Today is a day to remember, haven't felt like this since my trip to Europe in 2002. I work in a lab all day long, so I hardly get to admire the sky, but today I took a sneak peak outside in the middle of Apopka. Picture this: no high buildings, a few greenhouses, trees all around, an open sky, gray clouds, a soft breeze and.....complete silence. I stood there still, just observing the beauty of life changing all around me, and then it hit me. This Feeling. I forgot my past or my future, nothing mattered or existed but that moment. I felt part of everything around me, like we were one, so incredibly peaceful and happy. I felt so healed inside, all the negatives just vanished. It was amazing and so overwhelming. Any worries, or hurt, was so insignificant. If I had someone next to me, I swear I would have hug them for so long. haha. I just had this great sense of peace, and love inside.

 

I started to realize something so important that we oftent take for granted.

 

We are Alive.

 

Yes, we all know this, but really think about it. Everyday we are capable of seeing beautiful things around us, and we don't even pay attention. Everyday God gives us the opportunity to be happy, and we ignore it. We wait, or go mad searching for something that is there always. Not just in nature, but in the people around us.

 

Thank God for this day....it was amazing!!!