He's Giving Me Mixed Signals?

[Golden_Eyes]

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. I have been dating Jaxier since right before christmas, but have known him through our same circle of friends. As I am friends with his sister Exea, and he is friends of a few male friends of mine. Things have been going really well, we have become even better friends since we have been dating, and have known eachother now for about two years. We are both in our 30's, respectful of eachothers feelings, and honest with one another. We live about 30 mins. apart in different suburban areas,about 40 miles apart. He works in the evenings, and gets out late sometime. I work odd hours too early am, splits, etc., so during the week it can be difficult for us to see one another due to our different work hours.

 

When we first started dating we had the "talk", about committment, etc.,we agreed that we both could handle dating eachother, but dating others too. This hasn't been a dilema up until recently, I guess in the last three weeks or so. Even, in the beginning up until now he has called me everyday, some days two or three times a day.Which, I am glad to hear from him, and we get along great.I am not a jealous or possessive type person, and try to give him as much space as I need.

 

I care about him very much as both a friend and much more, as I feel he does me too. The thing is that he has started asking more and more questions about when I go out with our mutual friends, where I go, who'd we see etc. Also, when I do go out on a date with someone else, and we talk the next day or so he asks many more questions, and has now started to take a defensive or possibly jealous tone in his voice.

 

Then at times he acts indifferent or aloof, for a few days after. He has also started talking about how his ex girlfriend is always bothering him, calling, coming to his job, etc. asking what she can do to get him back. We recently talked last week, he went out on a "boys" night out that ended around 3:30am, he's done this three times in the last four weeks or so, and he calls me and we talk at the end of the conversations he's told me "I miss you, I love you, and another call "I love you, wanna be with you for a long time, & can't wait to see you next weekend". (Which will be this weekend),the next day we talked he didn't remember hardly any of the conversation we had at 3:30am.

 

I didn't tell him the part about him telling I love you, etc. The thing of it is we haven't made any plans to go to the big birthday bash for a mutual friend. He mentioned it last night, but not in the context of us going together,just that he'll be coming down about 2pm and will be at Exea's. I have mentioned it in passing last week,and hoped he'd ask, but he didn't and hasn't asked. So, in the meantime someone else that I have been dating Zach has asked me to go, but I haven't committed to going yet. I don't want to hurt Javier's feelings, or put any of us in an awkward situation, but I don't want him to think he can just assume that we are going to just "hook-up" at the party,and I won't let him take me for granted, or think I am just sitting around waiting on him to ask.

 

The talk in the last few weeks, he tells me he really cares about me, likes me alot but that he doens't want to hurt me or for me to fall in love (after the boys night out tipsy phone call).So, I guess I just don't know what to think right now. Is he wanting more? or is he just playing mind games? We get along great when we are together, and have a good time, have alot in common and I believe we care about each other as friends and much more.

 

So, why the mixed signals all of a sudden? What does he want? Now, I am confused about his feelings for me, and why he's been acting so strangely at times. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks.

[clia]

Well, the best way to find out what he wants is to ask. Since it's been six weeks (or so) since you had the "commitment" conversation, it's entirely possible his feelings have changed.

 

Although I agree that you both have every right to date other people at this point, I do not think you should be discussing your other dates and other people you are seeing, unless you have no intention of ever taking the next step with Jaxier. That's just cruel, and frankly, it's none of his business, and none of your business. There are plenty of other interesting things in this world to talk about. I'm stumped as to why you even told him you were going on dates with other people, to the extent that he knows to ask about them the next day. That just seems crazy to me, if you are looking to possibly have a committed relationship with him in the future.

 

Personally, if I was dating a guy in the pre-commitment stages and he started telling me about his other dates, I would feel extremely put off, and wonder what exactly he wanted out of me. I certainly wouldn't share any of that information with him. Is Jaxier in competition with these other guys? He might be acting weird because he does want more, but by the way you're acting, you don't seem to want to.

 

Furthermore, even though you are entitled to show up at this party with the entire New York Knicks basketball team if you wanted, you probably will hurt his feelings if you show up with another guy to an event where you know he'll be. That's really just rude. It's entirely possible that he hasn't asked you because he knows about all these other guys you're dating, and figures what's the point. If you do go solo, that doesn't mean you have to hook up with him at the end of the night. Give him a hug, tell him goodbye, and go home by yourself. Let him assume whatever he wants as the night goes on--doesn't mean you have to validate his assumption.

 

You don't really state what exactly you want. Do you want a commitment with him or are you content with how things are? How you handle this depends on the answer to that question. He may need a little push in the right direction, or at least some proof that you are still interested in him.

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. I have been dating Jaxier since right before christmas, but have known him through our same circle of friends. As I am friends with his sister Exea, and he is friends of a few male friends of mine. Things have been going really well, we have become even better friends since we have been dating, and have known eachother now for about two years. We are both in our 30's, respectful of eachothers feelings, and honest with one another. We live about 30 mins. apart in different suburban areas,about 40 miles apart. He works in the evenings, and gets out late sometime. I work odd hours too early am, splits, etc., so during the week it can be difficult for us to see one another due to our different work hours. When we first started dating we had the "talk", about committment, etc.,we agreed that we both could handle dating eachother, but dating others too. This hasn't been a dilema up until recently, I guess in the last three weeks or so. Even, in the beginning up until now he has called me everyday, some days two or three times a day.Which, I am glad to hear from him, and we get along great.I am not a jealous or possessive type person, and try to give him as much space as I need. I care about him very much as both a friend and much more, as I feel he does me too. The thing is that he has started asking more and more questions about when I go out with our mutual friends, where I go, who'd we see etc. Also, when I do go out on a date with someone else, and we talk the next day or so he asks many more questions, and has now started to take a defensive or possibly jealous tone in his voice. Then at times he acts indifferent or aloof, for a few days after. He has also started talking about how his ex girlfriend is always bothering him, calling, coming to his job, etc. asking what she can do to get him back. We recently talked last week, he went out on a "boys" night out that ended around 3:30am, he's done this three times in the last four weeks or so, and he calls me and we talk at the end of the conversations he's told me "I miss you, I love you, and another call "I love you, wanna be with you for a long time, & can't wait to see you next weekend". (Which will be this weekend),the next day we talked he didn't remember hardly any of the conversation we had at 3:30am. I didn't tell him the part about him telling I love you, etc. The thing of it is we haven't made any plans to go to the big birthday bash for a mutual friend. He mentioned it last night, but not in the context of us going together,just that he'll be coming down about 2pm and will be at Exea's. I have mentioned it in passing last week,and hoped he'd ask, but he didn't and hasn't asked. So, in the meantime someone else that I have been dating Zach has asked me to go, but I haven't committed to going yet. I don't want to hurt Javier's feelings, or put any of us in an awkward situation, but I don't want him to think he can just assume that we are going to just "hook-up" at the party,and I won't let him take me for granted, or think I am just sitting around waiting on him to ask. The talk in the last few weeks, he tells me he really cares about me, likes me alot but that he doens't want to hurt me or for me to fall in love (after the boys night out tipsy phone call).So, I guess I just don't know what to think right now. Is he wanting more? or is he just playing mind games? We get along great when we are together, and have a good time, have alot in common and I believe we care about each other as friends and much more. So, why the mixed signals all of a sudden? What does he want? Now, I am confused about his feelings for me, and why he's been acting so strangely at times. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks.

[BeenThere]

Sounds like you are *both* sending mixed signals. While your initial agreement was to keep things casual, I think your friend is ready for more of a commitment from you. Which may explain why he shows signs of jealousy at times. And lets be honest...you are a little bothered by his social life as well. Because you both lack the ability to communicate effectively, you have resorted to playing the "I'm independant" game. You go out without him, and he becomes upset. To prove to you that he can play the *same* game, he stays out late with his friends than calls to tell you about it. In turn, you accuse him of being "aloof" and sending "mixed signals".

 

I think the time has come for both of you to swallow your stubborn pride and sit down for a heart-to-heart. Decide where this relationship is going (or if its going anywhere at all) than make some *new* compromises. Otherwise, the two of you will continue to push your relationship to the edge until it crashes. Stop pushing each others buttons and get this thing under control.

 

I'll try and keep this as short as I can. I have been dating Jaxier since right before christmas, but have known him through our same circle of friends. As I am friends with his sister Exea, and he is friends of a few male friends of mine. Things have been going really well, we have become even better friends since we have been dating, and have known eachother now for about two years. We are both in our 30's, respectful of eachothers feelings, and honest with one another. We live about 30 mins. apart in different suburban areas,about 40 miles apart. He works in the evenings, and gets out late sometime. I work odd hours too early am, splits, etc., so during the week it can be difficult for us to see one another due to our different work hours. When we first started dating we had the "talk", about committment, etc.,we agreed that we both could handle dating eachother, but dating others too. This hasn't been a dilema up until recently, I guess in the last three weeks or so. Even, in the beginning up until now he has called me everyday, some days two or three times a day.Which, I am glad to hear from him, and we get along great.I am not a jealous or possessive type person, and try to give him as much space as I need. I care about him very much as both a friend and much more, as I feel he does me too. The thing is that he has started asking more and more questions about when I go out with our mutual friends, where I go, who'd we see etc. Also, when I do go out on a date with someone else, and we talk the next day or so he asks many more questions, and has now started to take a defensive or possibly jealous tone in his voice. Then at times he acts indifferent or aloof, for a few days after. He has also started talking about how his ex girlfriend is always bothering him, calling, coming to his job, etc. asking what she can do to get him back. We recently talked last week, he went out on a "boys" night out that ended around 3:30am, he's done this three times in the last four weeks or so, and he calls me and we talk at the end of the conversations he's told me "I miss you, I love you, and another call "I love you, wanna be with you for a long time, & can't wait to see you next weekend". (Which will be this weekend),the next day we talked he didn't remember hardly any of the conversation we had at 3:30am. I didn't tell him the part about him telling I love you, etc. The thing of it is we haven't made any plans to go to the big birthday bash for a mutual friend. He mentioned it last night, but not in the context of us going together,just that he'll be coming down about 2pm and will be at Exea's. I have mentioned it in passing last week,and hoped he'd ask, but he didn't and hasn't asked. So, in the meantime someone else that I have been dating Zach has asked me to go, but I haven't committed to going yet. I don't want to hurt Javier's feelings, or put any of us in an awkward situation, but I don't want him to think he can just assume that we are going to just "hook-up" at the party,and I won't let him take me for granted, or think I am just sitting around waiting on him to ask. The talk in the last few weeks, he tells me he really cares about me, likes me alot but that he doens't want to hurt me or for me to fall in love (after the boys night out tipsy phone call).So, I guess I just don't know what to think right now. Is he wanting more? or is he just playing mind games? We get along great when we are together, and have a good time, have alot in common and I believe we care about each other as friends and much more. So, why the mixed signals all of a sudden? What does he want? Now, I am confused about his feelings for me, and why he's been acting so strangely at times. Any advice is welcomed. Thanks.