Why am I hurting the one man that I love

[Midnight Magic]

Help I need some advice from anyone:

 

Before I met my current boyfriend I have several relationships that were abusive and where I suffered a great deal of emotional and physical abuse. This was years ago and I am currently in a relationship where the man is just the greatest...he is the most kind and loving man that I could ever hope for, if I had the chance to pick a perfect man,he would be it. BUT the problem is that I am mean to him at times and I say things to him that hurt his feelings and at times I am just a miserable person and I do not know understand why I am this way, like why am I hurting the man that I love and who loves me. I cannot know why I am doing this and I am just killing this perfect relationship and if I do not change I will lose him. PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE

 

He cant take much more of me hurting him

 

AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

[Tony T]

This is a subconscious thing.

 

You probably came from a highly dysfunctional, abusive family where there was a lot of chaos and little peace and stability. Then you grew up and attracted men to you who would create this same kind of atmosphere.

 

Now you have a guy who has a lot to offer you in the way of a normal home situation but it's something you're not used to and therefore the feeling is quite foreign to you. Your behavior is an unconscious effort to create the kind of chaos that you have equated with love in the past. That is what is familiar to you and that is what you are comfortable with.

 

The healing process for this kind of situation is long and arduous. You have to get counselling and heal from your dysfunctional past. There are many books that will get you started, particularly ones by John Bradshaw and Melodie Beattie. "Bradshaw On The Family" by John Bradshaw is terrific. You can do a lot of research on the Internet just be entering "dysfunctional families" (without the quotes) in the search field. www.google.com is a superior search engine if you don't have a favorite.

 

Go to: http://www.ksu.edu/counseling/dysfunc.html for some excellent information. Look over the entire site and you'll begin to see yourself.

 

There are just some people who don't feel alive unless they are creating havoc in any situation.

 

If you really love your guy, you need to explain to him your childhood, dedicate yourself to the process of healing and becoming a more emotionally stable person, and hope he has the patience to wait around.

 

If this theory doesn't fit, there are a number of people who are just afraid of love and intimacy. Those suffered from some sort of abandonment in their childhood whether it was from a divorce, death of a parent, etc. Someone they loved very dearly in their past left them and this created a trauma in their lives and a deep fear that when they love someone that person will leave them.

 

So in their adult lives, they try to create wedges between themselves and others they really want to love in order to avoid the pain of what they fear may be an eventual abandonment.

 

This also may require some counselling. As you get older, you are better equiped to realize that not all relationships are forever and it's better to enjoy the love you can get for the time you can get it. Being mean to someone just to protect yourself from potential pain will ensure that you get no love at all and that would be a pretty sorry life.

 

I promise you this man you're seeing, if he's healthy and sane, will not remain with you if you continue to be mean to him...so cut it out and get your act together.

 

If you feel you have no control over your behavior whatsoever and you do things automatically with no authority over yourself, please see a counsellor immediately. There are medications for people with compulsive behaviors, particularly anafranil, that will take care of things as soon as you achieve the right blood level of the medication.

[Midnight Magic]

Tony you really made me think about the things that you have said and the part that you said about him leaving me if I do not change really hurt me...BECAUSE YOU ARE SO RIGHT AND HE HAS SAID THIS...but he said he loves me enough to give me the time to turn things around and I am going to make this relationship work, I want a future with him, he is the reason that I wake up in the morning

 

thanks tony

[Ariadne]

...I am still a work in progress.

[velvet]

Some men can manipulate you into believing you are hurting them. I hope that is not the case.

 

Do you hurt him phsically or verbally. If you think you cannot train yourself to change certain behavior than a doctor is worth seeing for the r/s. It takes strength and alot of time to mold yourself and train your brain with out a professionals help. For the sake of the r/s you should go ahead to have a doctor help.

 

Help I need some advice from anyone: Before I met my current boyfriend I have several relationships that were abusive and where I suffered a great deal of emotional and physical abuse. This was years ago and I am currently in a relationship where the man is just the greatest...he is the most kind and loving man that I could ever hope for, if I had the chance to pick a perfect man,he would be it. BUT the problem is that I am mean to him at times and I say things to him that hurt his feelings and at times I am just a miserable person and I do not know understand why I am this way, like why am I hurting the man that I love and who loves me. I cannot know why I am doing this and I am just killing this perfect relationship and if I do not change I will lose him. PLEASE HELP ME BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE He cant take much more of me hurting him

 

AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

[MIDNIGHT MAGIC]

Please men I am in need of some male advice only please!!!!! WHY!!! I have a b/f who is as romantic as a rock..(not good)

 

He says it is due to his growing up without affection and love....I am not sure I am buying this...I need comments from other men..and if possible what I can do to cure him of this neglect (he swears on the bible that it is him and not me) but I can not help but feel hurt and very much unloved and neglected so any comments are greatly appreciated.....So please help

 

Maybe I should feel appreciated that the b/f is great to me overall and makes up for it in other ways....

 

I don't know how to feel anymore.....

 

Thanks

[Tony T]

There are many people, both men and women, who grew up in either abusive families or ones that were not demonstrative in the love department. Family members who were not part of a unit where there were physical demonstrations of affection are not likely to grow up and automatically change into somebody else.

 

As far as the cure, there is none. Over time, it is possible your guy could change but it won't happen overnight. You are going to have to tell him in very clear terms what you need...and offer to systematically help him, a baby step at a time...to feel more comfortable giving you the attention you seek and need.

 

There are some men who have sustained traumatic rejection in the past and are extremely afraid of expressing affection for fear of a repeat. Others have underlying fears of abandonment and try to stand back at bit from affectional intimacy as a way of protection in case their love object leaves.

 

Human beings are complicated but there is no doubt in my mind that your guy loves you with all his heart.

 

Why don't you do like they do with the seals in the circus, everytime he gives you an unexpected kiss or hug, put a raw fish in his mouth and praise him? If he doesn't like raw fish, use M&Ms or some kind of treat he likes. Hey, anything's worth a try.