A Doozy

[Vanquish]

So this girl just broke up with me after three months due to me smothering her and her needing to figure things. During the breakup she said that it wasn't me and im the most amazing guy and all this stuff to blow sunshine up my ace basically i guess. But anyway rewind two months earlier, i spent 5 days in the hopsital with this girl, including 1 ambulence ride and 3 more ER visits. All to be by this girls side because she wanted me to be there and I promised her and she wrote me a note prior saying how she loved me so much and i would tell her i've got a promise to keep staying with her. She actually sat in her bed and gave me a huge hug and told me she loved me so much. And not to mention her entire family liked me. Anyway now we are broken up, after all that, she even said she felt safe in my arms. And as far as second chances go i had NC for a week, then had to get something imporant from her house. When i got there she was playing pool with another guy who doesn't fit her type at all. Now she has marker on her chin i ask what it was and she said it was this guy she was playing pool with, and she had hockey pants on, and either shes wearing her sisters boyfriends hockey pants because they are friends, or she is wearing his hockey pants either way probably bad sign. Anyway we get to talking i said how my parents miss her alot and stuff made her laugh, and almost had her in tears to the point where she said i want to still see you and remain friends and maybe someday we can work back into a relationship. Which im not sure if that hints to a second chance or not but maybe it does, i just don't understand the motives with this one guy. I went by today and he didn't spend the night which is a good thing i guess so maybe i am making her think. Anyway her birthday is in another week, and i intend on calling and wishing her a happy birthday, but no contact until then and probably none after unless she gets ahold of me on my birthday which is in another month, and there is a school dance coming up which she may invite me too i've yet to see but i cannot tell based on what happened prior in talks. Anyway with everything we've been through and the fact that she feels safe in my arms and hinted to the fact maybe we could have a relationship again someday a good sign that she may miss me after a few months? Shes in HS and im in com. college but the campuses are very close so theres always the possibility of hanging out ect. I just don't know how to take the initial step with her birthday of either taking her out or just calling to wish her happy birthday. Alot of people think she will take me back because honestly shes catching flack from both her friends and her family about our breakup which might be a good thing on my end but bad on hers. Anyone got any thoughts or been in this situation? Or any ladies willing to offer their input?

[superconductor]

... i intend on calling and wishing her a happy birthday, but no contact until then and probably none after unless she gets ahold of me on my birthday which is in another month...

IMHO, this is a good strategy.

 

If she gets in touch with you and realizes that she's made a mistake, then that's all good. If she doesn't, and never figures out that you were there for her when she needed it, then you wouldn't want an unappreciative woman in your life anyway.

[Vanquish]

Offering some more info to dabble in she told me that she still wanted me to call and still wanted me to be around and not be a stranger through all of this, and i told her she always gets mad when i call and shes like john i don't want to get in a fight yet she gets pissed when i texted her to simply ask if she had seen my mario cart game (haha) and playfully said she ripped it off. Then i went on to say my skills are better then hers at it, which i think ****ed me over cause she didn't respond to that text. Anyway this girl is sending mixed messages through the roof and i think its because she is just trying to be nice. It just pisses me off that she wants me to keep things that she wrote to me about love and her pictures ect if she truely doesn't want me around. But i am still going to continue the course of waiting till the 15th, giving her a simple happy birthday call and then giving it until my birthday (28th of oct) to respond back or call me for happy b-day, if she doesn't i will either find out she had a boyfriend and move on totally or i won't. Its just that do girls get ultra defensive if they are trying to forget or want to totally forget about a past relationship? I asked her if she missed me and she said she couldn't answer yet she wanted to figure out if i was lying when i said that i was missing her. I dunno any info from the girls would greatly help. Thanks again.

[Island Girl]

This girl sounds like she is out for her ego. I am so sorry about that because you really do seem like a nice guy.

 

She gives you mixed messages because she really likes how much she can depend on you and obviously you would do anything for her, it is always wonderful to have that kind of devotion, however, she doesn't like how tied down she feels and there may be someone else out there who can give her the whole package.

 

The whole package is the guy that will make her quit searching. He doesn't exist because the thing that she senses all the guys she has dated are missing is really her subconsious finding any reason to break up with the guy.

 

Being such a child when it comes to dealing with other people and their feelings, a complete spoiled B*Atch, she leads you on in so many ways but keeps you at bay with the double talk. "You are so wonderful, but I can't..." or "You are an amazinhg person and I totally want you in my life, but I feel like..." They are all statements to keep you devoted so IF she needs anything you will be within calling distance.

 

Screw her. If you really --- and I mean really --- still like her after she has lost so much respect for you that she is mistreating you, the only possible way you have to maybe get it back on track is to stick to NC.

 

You can keep your plan to call her on her Bday, but then nothing. And if she calls, have a clear idea in your head of what kind of relationship you want and don't let her put demands on you that are unreasonable for 'just friends'.

 

Good luck. Again I am sorry. Sometimes girls can be scared of relationships and committment -- and well, they are so screwed up within themselves, they just eat up really nice guys because it's scary when there is no reason to break up with the guy. It makes the relationship feel like it will go on forever. They want the way that feels but the thought of it seems like a death sentence at the same time. It will happen over and over again (it doesn't matter what guy, if he is nice she'll break his heart) until she gets a better perspective without fear and with the lame crap she is giving you she isn't even close yet.

[Vanquish]

Thanks a ton Island Girl that info helped alot. Now all i can do is wait. But i figure with this new guy she can just push him around and he won't have the balls to stand up for himself so the relationship will last awhile. Which is a sick thing in the end, but what are you going to do with someone so spoiled.

[Island Girl]

It is the opposite actually. The nice ones get beaten up the worst. The jerks get a good run for their money so to speak because it takes awhile for them to get accomodating or "whipped". The second she knows a guy really cares, well, that day is the begining of the end.

 

She is spoiled. You are better off without her really. So while you are waiting - meet other girls and date them if you want to . You may find someone who can appreciate you.

[Vanquish]

Ok so i had thsi thought, should i send some anonymous flowers to her wishing her a happy birthday? Possibly leave them at her house or send them to her in school? To relay the message that i remember but to keep it anonymous so she has to guess? I have my friend whos living with her as a roomate helping me out i hope with getting info on if shes moved on, which i hope is a good enough idea and that i can trust him. Which im pretty sure i can cause hes a good guy. But is the anon flowers a good idea? It should get her thinking either way, only if she is single.

[Island Girl]

No anonymous flowers. It sounds like you are still "chasing". Right now there is nothing to pursue. You have to in the complete sense of the words -- get your mind into the frame of "moving on". It is easy to say and hard to do. But the spy thing -- not a good idea. Don't even ask about her. It just drags it out and keeps thinking back and forth about 'she did this what does that mean?, etc.' That is bad news. It just keeps you feeling terrible.

 

If you send flowers, put your ame on it. I wouldn't send crap. I wouldn't spend any money. A phone call is enough. Do you buy flowers for all your friends on their birthdays?

 

Before you do anything, ask yourself if you would do the same thing for one of your guy friends. If the answer is "no" then don't do it for her either. The only way she can run to you is for you to pull back. As long as you are right there up on her, she knows she's got you. That is when she will start seeing you as completely spineless and you will be treated worse and worse. Sorry but that is a fact. Some women can be heartless and extremely cruel to nice guys that fall hard. If she is anything like I was she will be. That sucks I know.

 

I knew the mind of a guy very well and could pull emotion out of them. Honestly, it didn't START as a quest for blood or anything but I felt like I needed something in my heart and I was under the impression that my 'special someone' could help me fill it. If I could just find him and each guy was a new chance. Attration was first and then intimate conversations where I basically said the same stuff to each "it has never been like this with anyone else", etc. The guys would fall and tell me all of the things I wanted to hear: I love you, I need you. It felt good at first and then I would almost instantly get sick of it. I would then go into flight mode. This one isn't the right one. On to the next.

 

Unfortunately the men who tried to stick and pursue were hurt the worst because it got worse and worse as they tried harder and harder.

 

I know it sounds horrible. It is horrible. But about 11 years ago, I took time FINALLY to work on myself. What I needed inside -- I had to fix myself. There was no other way. And until I did that I was unhappy and I made anyone who dated me unhappy. (It didn't look that way from the outside - I looked beautiful and vibrant - yet I had a way of appearing vulnerable when alone on dates, etc.) I knew what to say and how to say it. I was always stringing them along til someone new came along. I was never without a boyfriend. The guys would buy in and get hurt.

 

Please don't get into that position.

 

I feel incredibly guilty having hurt people the way I did. I was young and confused. I did it unknowingly because each time I believed it would stick too. But when it wasn't what I was looking for I could have been less hurtful. I just wasn't mature enough to deal with it correctly.

 

No going back now. I have apologized to a couple since then. The only other thing I can do is try to help the guys that may be in the same position not get as hurt.

[Vanquish]

I'm definately in moving on mode right now, but i wanted to get her thinking with the flowers. Thinking about who could it have been? And drawing her back to me, with a call to thank me or not, either way something to acknowledge a birthday and that i remembered, but secretly. Cause as of right now we can't communicate on the phone to that level, maybe on her birthday but im not sure. To be honest i'm having a hard time with it cause i wanna be strict with the NC, but then again know that if she has a new BF to drop everything completely because its 100% not worth the effort and time.

[Island Girl]

Don't do anything secret or special. Remember it will be seen as you chasing her, staying around, waiting for a bone so to speak.

 

I don't mean to put it hurtfully -- just clearly. The only way she can miss you is to realize that you are gone. Gone. As in moving on.

 

If she cares about you she has to find her own way back to you. Then she will respect you as she did in the beginning.

 

I may be wrong but I am getting the impression you have already done a lot to show her how much you care and want to be with her. I am under the impreesion she has been pulling away from you. It wasn't lovey dovey one day and broken up the next there was a while there where you seemed to be doing the work to keep you guys together. If I am wrong please let me know.

 

But operating with that impression, the less available you are to her the better. And don't wait around. If she will find out if you are dating, then date. If she cares about you and the relationship she will come to you to get it back on track. Especially if she knows there may be someone else in the picture. I am not saying go out and get another girlfriend. Just date or go out as friends. It is not fair for you to get more deeply involved with someone else if you are still mentally stuck in it with the first one.

 

There is no "getting her thinking". You can't remind her how great you are. It doesn't work to get her back. It is the opposite. It pushes her away because she will eventually know you sent the flowers. And it won't be "awwwww, that is soooooo sweet". It will be "I told him I wanted a break" or space or whatever reason she gave you.

 

If she really loves you and you broke up because she secretly felt smothered by you or was afraid of commitment - she'll come back with NC.

 

If she broke up with you for any other reason she probably won't be back. Nothing you do would change this and in fact will just keep making you feel beaten down. Just don't go there.

 

You really seem like a nice guy. Really. And I hate what I have to say here. But I just don't want to see you throwing your dignity and self-respect out the window. I'm trying to tell you straight. In the end of course you have to make your own decision and I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you choose to do.

[Vanquish]

 

I may be wrong but I am getting the impression you have already done a lot to show her how much you care and want to be with her. I am under the impreesion she has been pulling away from you. It wasn't lovey dovey one day and broken up the next there was a while there where you seemed to be doing the work to keep you guys together. If I am wrong please let me know.

 

Very very true, I spent all that time in the hospital with her, and even celebrated our 1,2, and 3 month by taking her out to dinner or giving her a poem. And yes the last few weeks i did all the work to keep the relationship going.

 

 

But operating with that impression, the less available you are to her the better. And don't wait around. If she will find out if you are dating, then date. If she cares about you and the relationship she will come to you to get it back on track. Especially if she knows there may be someone else in the picture. I am not saying go out and get another girlfriend. Just date or go out as friends. It is not fair for you to get more deeply involved with someone else if you are still mentally stuck in it with the first one.

 

I remain friends with her close girlfriends, even her best girlfriend to the point of where i could casually hang out with them. But i hesitate to do this because i don't want her to get the wrong idea of me and one of her girlfriends or bring them apart.

 

 

If she really loves you and you broke up because she secretly felt smothered by you or was afraid of commitment - she'll come back with NC.

 

If she broke up with you for any other reason she probably won't be back. Nothing you do would change this and in fact will just keep making you feel beaten down. Just don't go there.

 

 

Initially there were 2 times of saying she needed her space. Which strongly supports the smothered thing and i already admitted to her and apologized deeply for that the last time i ever saw her. But the thought and possibility of her breaking up with me for another more secretive reason, which brings me to the point of finding her hanging out with this one guy that is totally not her type, but having marker on her face and having it have been from that kid only adheres to the fact that yes indeed she did move on and im wasting my time. But i am not sure of this because all i hear is she is taking time for herself right now to figure things out, and that is what she told me when we broke up. So i am not sure, maybe other guys are flirting with her and she is sort of recepricating but nothing is coming out of it because she is working on herself at the moment.

[Vanquish]

New and final plan of attack. NC till the end, if she doesn't call me on my birthday in a month to wish me a happy birthday i know its final. I don't plan on doing anything for her birthday this friday because i now know she is reading me and expects me to. This will get her to think. And i saw her today and she had the audacity to flirt with me while this new kid she is hanging out with was there, even though it seemed like they were there as friends, i could read through them that they were going out. NC all the way now, no bull****. Even though her girlfriends think im not doing anything to act on getting her back, but im sure the ex doesn't want me to act anyway. And if she already moved on i accept that there isn't a damn thing i can do to get her back, not even waiting a few months and giving her a random call-pretty much nothing.

[swirly27]

Vanquish, I agree with Island Girl that you need to do NC all the way. Calling and saying happy bday wouldn't be HORRIBLE but if you are NOT calling ONLY to get her to think, you're in the wrong mode again......because if you don't call on her bday, she probably won't care and it may not get her thinking and then you'll be left disappointed. So, decide what you want to do for her bday based on how it will make you feel. Maybe just send a Happy Birthday text and leave it at that. Short and to the point, no thinking involved....and please DO NOT SEND HER FLOWERS......its not gonna help anything at all.

 

I wasn't the girl that Island Girl described herself to be years ago, but last year I did date this guy that smothered me.....he was WAY more into us then I was, from date one and I tried to be honest with him all along on how I felt and how it wasn't the same with me (but smothering from date one is not good) but he was a good guy...but the longer I dated him, the worse it got for me and it turned into everything he did annoyed me or got on my nerves, it was TOO MUCH, and this isn't the case of the nice guy doing all the things every girl dreams and I didn't appreciate it - he was a great guy but way too smothering from the get go - I didn't string him along or lie or make empty promises, but he couldn't give any space or time - it wasn't pretty. BUT, for your sake, I broke up with this guy and he took NC and that was fine with me and then we kinda became friends again and he turned into weird guy and started completely ignoring me all of a sudden, and admittedly, it worked - for the wrong reasons though that I soon figured out, but it did make me think, for awhile, cause he was such a great guy and I second guessed my decision. In the end, I realized I made the right choice cause he really has some issues now that I can see, but the more you do for this girl, towards her or anything about her, it only hurts you. Don't have to be mean or be a jerk, thats not gonna help things either, just be indifferent - take time away and don't be her lapdog, sticking around for her to have when she wants you.

[WiseOne]

In a way i agree with swirly, and then i strongly disagree.

But about the birthday part, i think it would be best to send her a text message or birthday card, but only as a last resort should you call her, but if you were to call her, say happy birthday and tell her your call her back, make is str8 and to the point.

 

Full NC should be used in situations like these, and you should stick to NC always, the only time should you break it is when a b day or such is coming up, because like swirly said, you didn't wanna be a jerk you do wanna let her know that your there for her, but in a friend way, not in a way that you NEED HER.

 

And I'm going to tell you why, because the more you and her talk the more its gonna prolong the situation. She needs to see how life is without you, and that means strict NC, that means no contact in months or weeks or day NC at all!!!

 

Because alot of times, females just call to check up on you, just to see if you still there waiting around, and once they see that your lonely, they automatically know there the reason for it so they figure they still got you in there back pocket.

 

And that bring me into another point.

 

My ex thrived on the fact that i was still single, she seen is as a invitation to play more games, I'm not saying you have to go get a gf, I'm just saying with her knowing every single step and everything your doing, its just gonna take you back to point 0. Because all it takes is one conversation every 5 months to see whats going on, and thats all she needs, and then she takes off running again.

 

Thats why Full NC is taken.

 

My ex played games like this, i tried every now and then to talk to her and it only worked in her favor, i stayed even more stuck up on her because she would give me hopes of one day me and her could be again, and she partyed even harder.

 

I actually caught my ex in her plan though with some help from her friends, well it just happened that me and her shared the same friends and what happened was she plain and clearly and specifically said ( THAT BOY AIN'T GOING NO WHERE), ( HE 'S STILL STUCK ON ME SO WHY SHOULD I RUSH OR THINK ABOUT GOING BACK WITH HIM), ( HE'LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT THERE). ( SO SINCE I GOT HIM ON LOCK I SHOULD JUST HAVE FUN)

 

^^^^^^^^WORDS DIRECTLY FROM MY EX'S MOUTH

She still knew that just from talking to me every other couple of months, and thats when i knew to take Strict NC.

 

Trust me I Know NC IS THE BEST

[Vanquish]

Haha to add more to this lengthly thread of awsome help i guess i can. The reason i stress this birthday stuff so much is the fact that yes, she did call her old ex when i was with her on his birthday and told him happy birthday, even though he broke it off with her. So by just simply texting her happy birthday which i am probalby going to do will open the window of her possibly remembering my birthday and wishing me a happy birthday aswell. But im pretty much bent on the fact that this kid she is with now is the new fling, just all of her friends are telling me it won't last. And i can pretty much bet on that because both of they're sports seasons are fast approaching and i know its going to be a big stress on her and probably him aswell. I just hope it doesn't build they're bond stronger. Strict NC to the end with alittle birthday text, maybe a card but im not sure how to get the card to her while remaining NC. And maybe who knows, i was suppose to go to vegas with her in nov and they even got the plane ticket already in my name. Maybe something will pan out during my birthday and things with this other kid will have died off. Its so hard to tell though, but through his actions around me when she is around i can tell hes majorly insecure about us, which will work to my advantage because that is one of her huge turnoffs.

[Vanquish]

Hrmm so she called me today, i did NC for 2 missed calls and 1 text then i gave in and decided to give her a very neutral text message saying i was busy with homework and that i would talk to her tomorrow. But no she wanted to talk now so i gave in and did the 3 calls to 1 call trick and we talked about our lives and she told me how she was stil single and she was just friends with this one kid and how she keeps getting smothered by people calling her and how everything was good with the parents and she asked about my parents and had a general interest in my health. All the signs of showing she misses me without actually going into trying to have a relationship. Things should work in time.