response to "what do you all think"

[plexus]

this post may be posted already so ignore if it is........

I just want to ask married man of 20 years why the affair is "killing him".....I mean, you are a married man why arent you happy with the status of the affair. It seems like your MW is not putting any pressure on you nor is she asking for anything. seeing that you are married, what do you want from her?

[Guest]

I guess its because I love the OW and I wish we could be together. The fact that she has chosen to stay with her H makes me feel terrible. I am staying in the relationship I have with the OW because I love her and because I believe she still loves me. I do care about my W but in a much different way. My W and I have history and children where the OW and I have a deep connection I never had with my W. I'm staying married because of those kids and because of that history. In the end, this whole thing makes me lonely and very sad. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. I just wish I could read my OW's thoughts and understand why she is staying with her H. We were so close to being together. So close but in reality we were miles away.

[Joelle]

I guess its because I love the OW and I wish we could be together. The fact that she has chosen to stay with her H makes me feel terrible. I am staying in the relationship I have with the OW because I love her and because I believe she still loves me. I do care about my W but in a much different way. My W and I have history and children where the OW and I have a deep connection I never had with my W. I'm staying married because of those kids and because of that history. In the end, this whole thing makes me lonely and very sad. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. I just wish I could read my OW's thoughts and understand why she is staying with her H. We were so close to being together. So close but in reality we were miles away.

 

Does your OW have children with her H? If she does, maybe she's staying with her H because of the kids.

[kymberann]

If your OW left her H for you, would you leave your W?

[Ladyjane14]

As to the original question.... I'm not a MM obviously, so I'll have to take a guess. But I would imagine that the statement that the affair is "killing" him has to do with guilt.

 

I guess its because I love the OW and I wish we could be together. The fact that she has chosen to stay with her H makes me feel terrible. I am staying in the relationship I have with the OW because I love her and because I believe she still loves me. I do care about my W but in a much different way. My W and I have history and children where the OW and I have a deep connection I never had with my W. I'm staying married because of those kids and because of that history. In the end, this whole thing makes me lonely and very sad. I wouldnt recommend it to anyone. I just wish I could read my OW's thoughts and understand why she is staying with her H. We were so close to being together. So close but in reality we were miles away.

 

For Guest, I recommend to you that you read Surviving an Affair as well as The Five Love Languages. It might give you some insight into how you've become vulnerable to an affair, and how you and your wife might improve your marriage.

 

On the other hand, if you're NOT willing to repair your family dynamic, you might consider the possibility that your wife could find happiness without you. Half a husband isn't necessarily better than none. If you're only "half a husband", you're not doing her any favors. In fact, every day that ticks by... is wasted youth, better spent with someone who cares.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean. But really... if you don't love the woman, why not give her the freedom to find someone who does?

 

(I'm always amazed at how a MM will 'stay in it for the kids', never realizing that a kid wouldn't want his Mom to waste her life catering to a guy who doesn't care about her. )

[stoopid_guy]

(I'm always amazed at how a MM will 'stay in it for the kids', never realizing that a kid wouldn't want his Mom to waste her life catering to a guy who doesn't care about her. )

Perhaps he needs the kids as much as they need him? I can't imagine a decent man not wanting to be with his kids, especially when they're younger.

 

And the wife may not be "catering" to him at all.

[Ladyjane14]

Perhaps he needs the kids as much as they need him? I can't imagine a decent man not wanting to be with his kids, especially when they're younger.

 

And the wife may not be "catering" to him at all.

 

Would it have been okay if it was YOUR mom, who had a man sneaking out behind her back? How 'bout if it was your Grandma?... or your sister... or your daughter? :confused:

 

Look, I'll be frank with you. I personally know at least two guys who are married to complete HARPIES.

It wouldn't surprise me a bit to hear that either one of them were cheating... but that also wouldn't solve the problem, would it? As sorry as I feel for those guys, the keys to the cage are in their own hands. If they're mistreated on the homefront.... it's because they ALLOW it. That's the sad truth.

 

Cheating just involves yet another person in an already f*cked up situation. It doesn't solve the original problems. The MM gets a band-aid applied to his messed up ego and homelife. The OW gets to hang around in limbo, waiting for SOMEBODY to make a frigging decision. The BW gets to continue down in whatever spiral she's fallen into, never addressing the issues... and starved for REAL intimacy, unaware that her husband's romantic energy is being spent on another.

 

I've read some of your posts, SG. And IMHO... you've "allowed" it too. It's unreasonable for a woman to marry a guy and then refuse to be intimate with him for years on end. If there were some kind of health issue, that might be one thing... but if there's not then I can't think of a good reason for her acting like that. AND... I can't think of a good reason for you tolerating it either.

 

I don't think it's really fair for a MP to blame their choices on their kids. If we're talking about what's really in the best interest of kids... how does sneaking around behind the other parent's back improve their situation?

 

They won't be children forever. Someday they'll be all grown up. And when they're mature enough... they'll most likely be told the truth about the adultery that was hidden from them in childhood. When that happens.... everything clicks into place. And they understand why Mom wasn't ever really nice to Dad. At that point, NOTHING a cheating Dad can say will sound sincere. It'll all just sound like one more sad-assed excuse for self-serving behavior.

 

In the end, all these MP who think they're protecting their kids.... are all going to end up facing their offspring's eventual judgement. That is, the ones who get caught anyway.

 

The good news is that adult children usually do still love their cheating parents. They just don't respect them like they might otherwise have respected them. And when it comes down to which parent they have a greater affinity for... more often than not, it'll be the one who inflicted the least amount of pain on the other.

[stoopid_guy]

LJ, I agree with every point you made (including the ones about my own situation.)

 

I do think you may underestimate the strength of a father's feelings toward a child though, especially a younger child. When my wife and I first started having issues, our daughter was in preschool. The greatest joy in my life was spending time with her and watching her learn and grow. There is nothing in the world that would have made me give that up. Even now that she's 14 and "Daddy" embarasses her occasionally (and sometimes on purpose,) a highlight of my day is the 20 minutes spent talking while driving her to school in the morning.

 

I can easily understand how a man could fall in love with an OW, but still want to stay close to his kids. (Even it that makes him a selfish jerk in some people's eyes.) I'm not saying it's "right," but I do think it's understandable.

[yousaveme]

LJ, I agree with every point you made (including the ones about my own situation.)

 

I do think you may underestimate the strength of a father's feelings toward a child though, especially a younger child. When my wife and I first started having issues, our daughter was in preschool. The greatest joy in my life was spending time with her and watching her learn and grow. There is nothing in the world that would have made me give that up. Even now that she's 14 and "Daddy" embarasses her occasionally (and sometimes on purpose,) a highlight of my day is the 20 minutes spent talking while driving her to school in the morning.

 

I can easily understand how a man could fall in love with an OW, but still want to stay close to his kids. (Even it that makes him a selfish jerk in some people's eyes.) I'm not saying it's "right," but I do think it's understandable.

 

I read your comment. And it was too close to home. My MM has said the is the biggest issue with him leaving his W. He loves his kids so much that i know he would do anything to spare them any pain. He has been torn between his happiness and that of his children.

[lovernotafighter]

my thing is..and I just posted it about my own soon to be exMM is why men think the time with the children has to change just because they move out of the home?

 

in my case I'd be willing to live as close as possible to his child so he can go and do activities with his son everyday..whats stopping him from doing that?

 

if him and his wife is mature about the whole thing,he can go to cubs scouts,he can go over there and tuck his child into bed, he can get up early and drive his child to school...just because he isn't sleeping and having sex with mommy doesn't mean those things have to change does it?

 

it's his own fear of leaving a comfortable situation and fearing his wife will use the child against him stopping him ?

 

in my case I have to question why a man would think his wife would do that do there child..it has happened I'm sure but if this is a woman you have loved and choose to have children with the chances of her doing such a evil thing to her own child is slim.

 

I don't get it myself..but then again I don't have to because I might be married and leaving,I don't have kids so what do I know.

[Ladyjane14]

I do think you may underestimate the strength of a father's feelings toward a child though, especially a younger child.

 

For the life of me... I just can't wrap my mind around why a father who loves his children, doesn't use that impetus to straighten out their homelife and solve the problems within the family dynamic. :confused:

 

It's not good for kids to see some kind of warped model of marriage made out of plastic. Particularly not when what they COULD see being modeled... is two people tackling a pretty big problem and working through it together.

[lovernotafighter]

For the life of me... I just can't wrap my mind around why a father who loves his children, doesn't use that impetus to straighten out their homelife and solve the problems within the family dynamic. :confused:

 

It's not good for kids to see some kind of warped model of marriage made out of plastic. Particularly not when what they COULD see being modeled... is two people tackling a pretty big problem and working through it together.

you know even though I'm the OW, I have told my MM that..I have said if your going to stay married even if it's for the sake of your child don't you think the time your spending with me would be better served to save your marriage..he would always tell me he has no desire to work things out with her.

 

well this last bout with him,I ended it..and also told him I can't live with the guilt..not just what I'm doing in my own life but is happening with his wife and child..it has to stop.

 

he has to work out his life..and I'm not helping him if he's going to stay..and could only help him if he was going to leave..all fronts were terrible..he admitted he didn't even like to look at his wife's body and has started sleeping on the couch..he said he was becoming disgusted with her because she wasn't me..this killed me and ate me up with enormous guilt.

 

I want him, yet not like this..I feel for his wife and am truly sorry for what I have done..he will have to clean up this mess, if it's only for the sake of his child so be it..but I have to agree if it's that bad it's not a good model for the child and am glad I've told my MM so.

 

does he want to see his child in the same boat as a adult as him? I guess so.

[stoopid_guy]

For the life of me... I just can't wrap my mind around why a father who loves his children, doesn't use that impetus to straighten out their homelife and solve the problems within the family dynamic. :confused:

Have you ever seen a little kid cry because Mommy and Daddy were arguing? It's not pleasant. It's a reason to avoid major confrontation all by itself.

[serial muse]

but kids aren't immune to the undercurrents of unhappiness either. avoiding a major confrontation is not a good tradeoff for years of unspoken misery and resentment, and indefinable loss (because it's never overtly stated what's wrong).

[stoopid_guy]

but kids aren't immune to the undercurrents of unhappiness either. avoiding a major confrontation is not a good tradeoff for years of unspoken misery and resentment, and indefinable loss (because it's never overtly stated what's wrong).

Have you ever known a "happy couple" who all of a sudden seperated/divorced? And they were the last ones you'd expect to do that? I've known a few, and even a couple I thought I knew well. I doubt their kids knew.

 

A man and a woman can also get along as friends even if there's no romance, especially if they have a good motivation to.

[serial muse]

Have you ever known a "happy couple" who all of a sudden seperated/divorced? And they were the last ones you'd expect to do that? I've known a few, and even a couple I thought I knew well. I doubt their kids knew.

 

actually, i bet they did know - at least that things weren't good, anyway. and felt helpless about it because they had no idea why.

 

for example. my exH and i were like that: our friends were shocked - and i mean SHOCKED - when they found out about it; he'd hidden his affair from them, and the depth of his unhappiness and resentment, quite well. but there had been tension in our home life for some time; i just attributed it to different causes (yes, partially because that's how it was explained to me, and it was a while before i doubted this enough to investigate on my own). point is, i knew there was unhappiness and tension that wasn't going away; i just didn't know why. it's hard to hide those things 24/7, even if you can hide them from your friends, who you see only occasionally, when you're on your best behavior. but it's not a happy home situation.

 

the second part of what you said - i agree with. which is exactly why divorce might be okay too. and it gives the BS a chance to find someone to love and be happy with, in the bargain. when the parents are happy, the kids are far more likely to be happy.

[Guest]

Wow!

 

All,

 

thanks for all the good comments. I have to say that the part about the kids is less of a concern. If I were to leave my W then I would do several things to ensure that their lives were impacted as little as possible.

1. Give the house to my W so that they could continue to live in it.

2. Move as close as possible to the house so that I could take them to school, help with homework etc. I have been very involved with them from the start and have NO intention of changing that.

What this is about is that I care about my W very much and we do get along quite well. Our love life is non-existent and there is no intimacy in our relationship at all. In the OW I have found a soulmate. Someone who I can share my deepest secrets and thoughts free from judgement and ridicule. The problem is she intends to stay with her H. and not leave him for me. Her feelings for me are strong but she suppresses them and refueses to share them with me. She feels she cant live a double life that is, be married to one man and love another. Sharing those feelings for me including sex just makes things worse for her. I think she loves her H but there is much missing that I think she finds in me. She wants so much to fill that void in her life but without the sexual part of our relationship. She wants to be best friends with me and to continue in this way forever. I just dont think that its possible to do that because she has to expend so much energy in our relationship that even though she doesnt acknowledge our love, she feels it. Its real and she can not deny that. To me suppressing thosee feelings takes so much effort and energy that eventually she will explode. I know separating is best for both of us but we are both so torn between our love for each other and our commitments.

 

I just wish I knew what she was feeling. I want to know if she is in pain as I am. I miss her so....

[plexus]

guest,

does your OW have children?? How long is she married.......

[Guest]

Shes been married 20 years. She has no children. She has come close to leaving him several times over the years for various reasons but according to her with me this is the closest she has come to doing it. She actually told him and they were planning a separation and then she stopped it at the last minute. That was it. That was almost a year ago. Our A has continued on and off over that year. She has stuggled with it because she feels she has to see her commitment to her H through, but she loves me and considers me her soulmate. Its been so hard on both of us.

[plexus]

I have to tell you guest that I really thought my MM wrote the thread....you can't imagine that you story is a clone of what his would be if he wrote it.....

We have a very similiar situation, same 20 year marriage. both have kids though.....been through a roller coaster ride for 2 and a half years. His marriage is similiar to what your sounds like. kids, a wife who in entrenched in his family....no intimacy of any kind ( or so he says) but also doesnt get along very well. A lot of empty threats though on both sides....Even had papers drawn, gone to lawyers, etc.... but still there, still "married".......he could prob. make one excuse adter another why he stays. He keeps claiming that if I left my H, he would be out of there so fast........

To begin with, I am not leaving my marriage. for the most part and I think i read this is response to your first post from someone, I guess I want it all. It's not really as harsh as it sounds......I love both of them. I actually fight more with the MM than I do at home and my H and I probably get along better than ever. I just can't seem to end the A. but not for lack of trying or wanting to......

we've done the NC thing countless times....on my call......but ended up back together.

I dont really want to be doing this but I cant seem to let him go and he is there waiting all the time, trying to convince me not to walk away.

it's a very difficult situation b/c you really never know what's going on with either side......we also live about 2 hours away from each other......

Like your MW, I try to ignore the feelings, even find ways to convince myself he is no good and that I cant trust him.

we did for a short period last year talk about being together and that part about when she kisses you and tells you she wants you, sounds like you were there with us......

when we see each other, it is always incredible........its the in between that stinks and there is so much in between I keep asking myself why I am still in this situation. My MM believes there is a reason for this and one say we will see what that is........

so, I can def. empathize with you about your situation....It is almost uncanny the similarity.

Maybe we can help each other answer some questions, both from different sides of the craziness.......

[Guest]

I would love that. I have posted here before under anoter username and the responses I received were so judgemental. You are the first person who understands what I am going through. Thanks so much for that. She says I am her one true love. Her soulmate. It makes her feel guilty just thinking about it. She has no connection with her H although they get along very well. She says its about time and history. She says its about family and family ties. She says there is no passion, no longing. She says she longs for me and I do so for her. Its such a tradedy really.

[plexus]

well if you want a woman's perspective considering we are in a very like situation, fire away.......lol

what about your home situation? You know there are so many post and articles on infidelity and such, I know each situation is different but dont you wonder if the "connection" thing is real???

I mean I have never had chemistry the way I do with the MM. We have become really good friends and its hard to imagine him not in my life to some degree.

in an extramarital A....there is no noise.....no distractions, no kids, no money issues.....etc. I always tell my MM this although he doesnt seem to agree. I mean as real as the feelings are, it's not a "real" relationship.......you cant go out out in public. always looking over your shoulder and not to mention that the relationship is really just about the two of you and making each other feel good emotionally and physically.......

I am def. confused........at times I feel like I want to be with him all the time and then i see the reality of 2 twenty year marriages and all that

entails and how do you go and disrupt so many peoples lives???

[plexus]

and one more thought.....I get the soulmate thing.......but maybe it's about choices.......know what I mean?

[Guest]

You know its a funny thing that connection thing. I can wake up at night and know when shes thinking about me. The next day she'll tell me that she had a dream about me the night before. Sometimes I try and focus on her as if I were trying to contact her. She told me that she feels the same so maybe there is something to it. She told me yesterday that our connection hurts her marriage because she doesnt share that same connection with her H. She is pretty convinced that she will not leave her H. She told me that even though there is no passion (which BTW she is convinced we have and would maintain for a lifetime) and even though they dont have the connection that its good enough. Yesterday I held her in my arms and I kissed her and she kissed me and she told me how she loves me. I dont know what to make of it Plexus, all I know that the love of my life belongs to someone else.

[Guest]

One thing I wanted to mention to you Plexus. I have been the one to initiate NC several times. I figured that if she didnt want all of me then she couldnt have any of me. SHE has usually been the one to break it. She tells me that while she could get along without me just fine. She also tells but with me in her life, her life is fuller and much better. Now how can that be! Here I am someone who represents a clear and present threat to her marriage and makes her feel all of this guilt and pain and I make her life better???? whats up with that??? She has told me that I am her best friend. She tells me that she is constantly wanting to share things with me as she goes through life. Then she tells me that she could "get along fine without you". None of this makes any sense.