My wife had a one night stand with my friend - I am devestated !

[Moose]

Certain medical conditions requires medication to be taken. Yes she is responsible for her actions but you don't seem to understand these medications.

Do your self a favor and do some research before you act like you know what you are talking about.

I think the point is, she, (and her husband), knew she was going out to a pub with alcohol, in a tense situation none the less, and knew full well the affects of these drugs mixed with alcohol, yet made the conscience decision to take them anyway.

 

This only reinforces my conclusion that it's the husband's fault more than the wife's fault, as he admitted to her history of nervousness.

 

I would still be aware of act number 2 in the shower, and try to get to the bottom of that. If this guy was forcefull upon her, that needs to be dealt with, if not, she needs to fess up and admit that she was overtaken with lust and then......only then.....can you fix the real problem.

 

I'll give you 2 hints:

 

1. Stick around more if your job allows it. If not, find another job, or another wife.

 

2. Take her out yourself.

[NoIDidn't]

Am I the only one that thinks he wife was raped? She was drugged and her recollection can not be trusted. His *friend* hasn't bothered to tell him anything, so I am guessing he thinks he got away with it.

 

Sure some will say they had sex twice. Means nothing. The first time he probably used subtle force and coersion. I think in the shower she was trying to wash herself of the violation she felt and he came in and scared her into doing it again. An adulteress does not have a nervous breakdown. There is much more to this story.

 

I think you wife feels like she was raped but is afraid to say so b/c she doesn't remember it accurately and the friend will likely lie.

[burning 4 revenge]

Cheat on her back man. Where's your self respect?

[Guest]

Am I the only one that thinks he wife was raped? She was drugged and her recollection can not be trusted. His *friend* hasn't bothered to tell him anything, so I am guessing he thinks he got away with it.

 

Sure some will say they had sex twice. Means nothing. The first time he probably used subtle force and coersion. I think in the shower she was trying to wash herself of the violation she felt and he came in and scared her into doing it again. An adulteress does not have a nervous breakdown. There is much more to this story.

 

I think you wife feels like she was raped but is afraid to say so b/c she doesn't remember it accurately and the friend will likely lie.

 

 

I mentioned this possibility earlier, but only she knows for sure. She seems to recollect she wanted to. At first I though she might have been drugged, but then she admits to willingly taking prescriptions and drinking ENOUGH TO SEDATE A 300LB MAN! Until she says otherwise, he has to assume that's the story. I'm guessing she was so wasted she forgot he was even coming home that night.

[NoIDidn't]

I mentioned this possibility earlier, but only she knows for sure. She seems to recollect she wanted to. At first I though she might have been drugged, but then she admits to willingly taking prescriptions and drinking ENOUGH TO SEDATE A 300LB MAN! Until she says otherwise, he has to assume that's the story. I'm guessing she was so wasted she forgot he was even coming home that night.

 

It still sounds like rape to me. I have been raped before. I know I am getting personal, but its nothing I haven't told people in real life. I was raped by my exBF. He lived next door. I couldn't tell anyone b/c I was afraid that he would claim that it was consensual. It wasn't.

 

I am not saying that there isn't still the possibility that she didn't willingly cheat, but you don't know the mind of a rape victim. She ended up in the hospital. She was feeling down. She didn't notice that the cab took her to the wrong address initially. Sounds to me like she blames herself since she was so wasted. Not uncommon.

 

Question is, how does she react if her H attempts sexual intimacy? That will be a real clue as to whether it was his trickery or her inhibitions being released. But I still think he raped her. I think a man taking advantage of a woman in that state is no better than or different from rape.

[norajane]

It still sounds like rape to me.

 

I don't think you can say it was definitively rape.

 

Exploring the circumstances in details, she explains that she felt lonely needed to feel special and probably initiated the first sexual event. Once in the shower, she was approached for the second event and made no effort to resist.

 

~

 

The fact still remains...my wife led my ex-friend to believe that this was OK even when he asked. She actively encourage him to have sex and she did not activelu resist when he approach for a second go.

 

I think a man taking advantage of a woman in that state is no better than or different from rape.

 

Perhaps not morally, but legally, there is a difference. He asked.

[lighthouse]

Yes NoIDidn't. I thhink that rape is a strong possibility. I understand that she made the choice to take the meds and drink but that doesn't give anyone the right to do what this ex-friend did. I think that he should be reported to the authorities. And yes Moose I know you think that I am wrong - which is cool because I think you are ridiculous.

DO YOUR RESEARCH MOOSE!!

And how dare you (Moose) say that it was his fault. You must live a perfect life.

Until you have walked in the shoes of someone who has either been raped or has to take medication you know not what you are speaking of. Shame on you.

LH

[Timberlane]

Your wife is a jitbag it would appear. Looks like divorce time. And give that ******* friend a punch in the face.

[Moose]

And yes Moose I know you think that I am wrong - which is cool because I think you are ridiculous.

Yes, I do think you're wrong. Not because this man doesn't deserve his just punishment, but only because the authorities couldn't do to this man what this man deserves to be done to him.

DO YOUR RESEARCH MOOSE!!

I was going to tell you a story or two to illustrate my point, but thought to myself.....you know....I don't have anything to prove to you lighthouse.

 

I have 25 years of experience with booze and drugs, you have no clue what I know......

And how dare you (Moose) say that it was his fault.

Again, I don't have to explain myself. Even the OP admitted that what he had done will never happen again. Go back and read his post. Do you think, that if the OP had not arranged this to begin with, that any of this would've happened? Any of it at all? It's what caused the whole thing, thus, it is his fault.

You must live a perfect life.

Obviously, I have not, otherwise, I wouldn't have the wisdom to know that it's the OP fault. I also wouldn't know that we all make MISTAKES. The OP made a mistake, in which he is now WELL aware of, and OPENLY admitted to.

Until you have walked in the shoes of someone who has either been raped or has to take medication you know not what you are speaking of.

Again, you haven't a clue.....you haven't seen my scars, and you know nothing about the wounds that heal even now....

Shame on you.

Glass houses LH.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think you can say it was definitively rape.

 

Perhaps not morally, but legally, there is a difference. He asked.

 

NJ

 

I do believe that I tried to with all of my double-negatives say that we have no proof that she definitely did not consent. But I have to strongly disagree with your second statement. Legally, asking is not the issue, consent is. He can ask until he is blue in the face, NO still means NO. But on that, we don't have proof other than her jumbled recollection.

[Rooster_DAR]

The whole thing would be thrown out of court for the simple reason that her judgment was impeded by poor decisions, drugs, and alchohol.

 

Jury would toss this one out quick.

[Moose]

The whole thing would be thrown out of court for the simple reason that her judgment was impeded by poor decisions, drugs, and alchohol.

 

Jury would toss this one out quick.

Yeah, I agree.....top that off with the Judge asking the husband, "What in the world were you friggin' thinkin'???"

[LVspecB]

Am I the only one that thinks he wife was raped? She was drugged and her recollection can not be trusted. His *friend* hasn't bothered to tell him anything, so I am guessing he thinks he got away with it.

 

Sure some will say they had sex twice. Means nothing. The first time he probably used subtle force and coersion. I think in the shower she was trying to wash herself of the violation she felt and he came in and scared her into doing it again. An adulteress does not have a nervous breakdown. There is much more to this story.

 

I think you wife feels like she was raped but is afraid to say so b/c she doesn't remember it accurately and the friend will likely lie.

Jeez, we are so conditioned to see women as victims. Why not cut the friend the same unwarranted slack? Let's see, he was drinking also and judgement impaired, may be on medication (for all we know), could have been the victim of the wife's aggressive advances (not once but twice) and could be incommunicado because he is stricken by remorse and semi-suicidal. That story makes as much sense as the version discussed here.

 

The "drunk driver" analogy best captures the morality involved here. How many times do we see someone convicted of a fatal accident while DUI claim impairment, state remorse and plead for mercy? And yet the victim? Still dead as a result of decisions made, impaired on not.

 

The OP's pain and angst are simply based on the fact that his wife cheated on him (twice!). No medication, emotional instability or alcohol concumption can explain that away...

 

LVspecB

[luvstarved]

Hurrah for LvSpecB! I agree, I don't even know how rape entered into this discussion. I am also very tired of people trotting out their poor judgment and trying to call it being victimized. Ooops. I f***ed up. Let me rationalize it now.

 

There is poor judgment in spades in this situation and the penalties are racking up. It is a very sad situation and I only hope that all concerned have learned something from it. Don't send your spouse out drinking with the opposite sex while you are out of town. Don't mix meds and alcohol. Don't have sex with another person's spouse.

 

Yeah we are all human and we all make mistakes. As tough as it is, we have to face the consequences of them, too. I am tired of people trying to skirt responsibility for their own behavior.

 

There is no contingency in my marriage allowing for infidelity in the event of drinking too much, or being seduced, or needing to feel special or not having emotional needs met. You're supposed to avoid situations and work on mutual satisfaction within the marriage. It's harsh but in this situation, because my husband and I have been clear with each other on this, my marriage would be OVER.

[lighthouse]

Grunt -

I don't know if you are still reading this but I hope that you are doing well and I hope that your wife is doing well. Hopefully y'all can work this out in whatever way is best for the two of you.

Moose -

I am not even going to tell you about my life because I have nothing to prove to you. I know all about them - throw all that you want at mine because I have read your posts and am not worried about your opinion.

 

I wish you the best Grunt.

LH

[blind_otter]

The whole thing would be thrown out of court for the simple reason that her judgment was impeded by poor decisions, drugs, and alchohol.

 

Jury would toss this one out quick.

 

This is part of the reason I never attempted to prosecute the man who raped me when I was 19. I had 3 beers, and suddenly I couldn't walk or talk. I asked him to take me home. He took me to his place instead. Carried me inside and laid me on his bed. I was so woozy, I could barely raise my head. I said, "Where am I? This isn't my bedroom...." And he told me that it wasn't. The whole time, he talked to me. Tried hard to convince me that I wanted the sex. That I was there by choice. He kept me locked in his bedroom for 4 hours, before and after the act. Pacing around the bed, where I could barely move, while I passed in and out of consciousness. He drilled me. Kept repeating what I should say if anyone asked.

 

I just tried to be still and agree to whatever he wanted. I was afraid. I didn't know what I was afraid of, but I was afraid. He drove me home to my parents house. I never told them what happened. I knew they would say it was my fault. I knew no one would believe me. So for months after it happened I tried to convince myself that I wanted it to happen. That what he drilled me about was the truth.

 

It was years later, after a lengthy bout with substance abuse, that I finally admitted that I was raped. It was only the beginning of my recovery and 8 years later I still struggle with the intrusive memory every day of my life.

[Moose]

I'm so sorry you went through that. I wish there were something I could do.....

[NoIDidn't]

This is part of the reason I never attempted to prosecute the man who raped me when I was 19. I had 3 beers, and suddenly I couldn't walk or talk. I asked him to take me home. He took me to his place instead. Carried me inside and laid me on his bed. I was so woozy, I could barely raise my head. I said, "Where am I? This isn't my bedroom...." And he told me that it wasn't. The whole time, he talked to me. Tried hard to convince me that I wanted the sex. That I was there by choice. He kept me locked in his bedroom for 4 hours, before and after the act. Pacing around the bed, where I could barely move, while I passed in and out of consciousness. He drilled me. Kept repeating what I should say if anyone asked.

 

I just tried to be still and agree to whatever he wanted. I was afraid. I didn't know what I was afraid of, but I was afraid. He drove me home to my parents house. I never told them what happened. I knew they would say it was my fault. I knew no one would believe me. So for months after it happened I tried to convince myself that I wanted it to happen. That what he drilled me about was the truth.

 

It was years later, after a lengthy bout with substance abuse, that I finally admitted that I was raped. It was only the beginning of my recovery and 8 years later I still struggle with the intrusive memory every day of my life.

 

 

I totally agree with the others that say that it would be thrown out. If I would have tried to prosecute my xBF, I truly believe it would have been thrown out too. And I wasn't drinking or anywhere near a bar. I was at home. A scenario much like this one is what happened - without the losing consciousness part. It took me about 8 years to accept that it was rape. I kept trying to minimize it. Trying to see where I gave him the idea that I wanted it.

 

What happened to Grunt's W is really unfortunate. But even moreso b/c of the hazy nature of the events. She was intoxicated. He was intoxicated. We will never know. If her only goal was to cheat on her H, she didn't have to confess the minute she saw him. Cheaters don't confess unless backed into a corner.

 

And it is highly unlikely that this man was aggressively persued by his W. Instead of telling the cab to take her to her place first, he stopped at his own place. His intentions are very clear here. She was put into an extremely compromising situation and he took advantage of that.

[LVspecB]

I totally agree with the others that say that it would be thrown out. If I would have tried to prosecute my xBF, I truly believe it would have been thrown out too. And I wasn't drinking or anywhere near a bar. I was at home. A scenario much like this one is what happened - without the losing consciousness part. It took me about 8 years to accept that it was rape. I kept trying to minimize it. Trying to see where I gave him the idea that I wanted it.

This is part of the reason I never attempted to prosecute the man who raped me when I was 19. I had 3 beers, and suddenly I couldn't walk or talk. I asked him to take me home. He took me to his place instead. Carried me inside and laid me on his bed. I was so woozy, I could barely raise my head. I said, "Where am I? This isn't my bedroom...." And he told me that it wasn't. The whole time, he talked to me. Tried hard to convince me that I wanted the sex. That I was there by choice. He kept me locked in his bedroom for 4 hours, before and after the act. Pacing around the bed, where I could barely move, while I passed in and out of consciousness. He drilled me. Kept repeating what I should say if anyone asked.

No casual reader of this forum could appreciate or understand the pain you two have suffered. I'm truly sorry for both your circumstances.

 

But...

 

It's a mistake to project your experiences onto this story as presently told. I have a good friend who was falsely arrested for sexual assault, an accusation the "victim" later recanted only after his picture and story had appeared in the paper on the front page of the local news section. The bare bones facts of the OP's regrettable story could fit a number of different potential scenarios...

 

LVspecB

[NoIDidn't]

You are right. I am very good at projection LOL!

 

Unfortunately, Grunt hasn't returned to give any updates, so hopefully he is dealing with it IRL where he should be. His W must have some serious issues as to be meeting with a psych. and taking such strong meds. I should know. Instead of focusing on the fact that she slept with his friend, they really need to explore and solve (if possible) the real issues - the reasons that she is taking the medication. She is trying to escape something, they just need to figure out what it is.