My GF had a guy-friend over for a drink

[Guest]

I wouldn't take any affirmative act with respect to her at all, other than the apartment related letter.

 

She needs to fade in your mind into a non-event. Treat her like someone you bumped into on the elevator, or someone you'd see in a line at the store -- no ill will, no anger, no need for approval from her or any emotional reaction from.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate; it is complete disinterest.

 

You learned your lesson from her, there's no need to let a girl like that occupy any more space in your head.

 

Great analogy Cecelius, thanks for that.

[evilsponge]

I'm glad to hear your doing much better guest, the fact that you're already moving on has made my day. Stay strong brother.

[Fun2BMe]

If you don't need her assistance with the matter to be taken care of with the apartment matter, just go ahead and take care of it and don't bother replying at all to her email!! One sign of weakness this early on after you firmly told her about the NC and she will see you are weak and think she can walk all over you and not miss you as much as she is right now, telling you about her meet. Chances are the new guy isn't all into it like you were and she misses getting your feedback. The strongest message to send her that you are doing just fine is to not give in and write back. SHe will think you have already moved on and maybe even met someone else. As tempting as it is, you will get better results if you take care of the apartment thing, maybe even tell the landlord to inform her it has been taken care of by you and that will put her in check.

[nicki]

Wow, you are doing great.

 

You sound like a wonderful, thoughtful and strong man....Watch out! She knows this and will be back.

 

As Fun2Bme said, the new guy either won't measure up to you, she'll miss you, or can't believe you can live without her....so she'll call you with all kinds of seemingly legitimate excuses to speak with you.

 

I agree with Fun, you don't have to call her back about the apt. thing if you don't want to. Simply take care of it and have the landlord call her....or send her a simple note explaining it's been done. Nothing else. No congrats on her swim competition, or on anything else. I'd keep it strictly business.

 

Take it from a woman, if you respond to anything she wrote about, she will use it as a reason to call you again and give you an "update."

 

The best advice I ever received during a break up is to not go to the person causing you pain for comfort. I think that's why NC is so hard. We feel like we need that person to help us because they are THE one that we have grown to depend on....

 

But, we can quickly find a good friend to go to whenever we need that comfort. And you might have a weak moment sometime. (Just make sure you have erased her phone number and email so you don't do anything silly when you've had one too many beers. )

 

And when you feel ready, go out on a few casual dates. I swear nothing helps you get over a bad relationship like having fun with someone new! It makes you believe in new possibilities.

 

Just be on the look-out, she will contact YOU again soon. If you are out on a date when it happens, let your new girl answer the phone...he he he:D That'll show her you've moved on!

[Guest]

You people are brilliant. I had a couple of draft replies to her, but didn't send them. Instead, I deleted the email.

 

This has been painful, and it is amazing how all one's gut reactions serve as a complete impediment to the process of moving on. I now see clearly how the pains of NC (the right choice) are less acute than the pains of breaking NC (the gut choice).

[Fun2BMe]

You people are brilliant. I had a couple of draft replies to her, but didn't send them. Instead, I deleted the email.

 

This has been painful, and it is amazing how all one's gut reactions serve as a complete impediment to the process of moving on. I now see clearly how the pains of NC (the right choice) are less acute than the pains of breaking NC (the gut choice).

 

Good for you! It's hard not sending off that email to respond to her but it will only serve to make her feel better and the moment after you send it YOU will be feeling worse! If you are tempted to write to her, do it then delete it and don't send it.

 

You are being so strong it is amazing. Good job!

[Guest]

I lapsed a bit yesterday. Still mainting strict NC, and I have no intention of breaking it. But, unfortunately, I found a girl on her team has pictures on the internet... yes I looked for them. There are pictures of various weekend meets, the bus trip to get there, the after parties, etc. Yes, my ex is in a lot of them. So I am able to see what she looks like... and in some way this has taken me a step back in the benefits I've gained from NC. But no, she has no idea I've seen these pictures, and believe it or not I doubt she knows they are accessible.

 

No, she isn't making out with this other guy in any of the pictures. But they are together in them a lot. Sitting next to one another on the bus, for a meet I think happened before we even broke up. He's next to her during her race cheering her on. They're standing next to one another watching other races. One thing I don't get, on a completely superficial level, is that I think this guy is ugly, and he's about 4 inches shorter than me. Don't get that. But to me this is evidence that they were emotionally getting started even when she was telling me I was the one she wanted to marry, and boy would I like to know how this guy takes it when two years from now my ex repeats her unstoppable pattern.

 

The internet can be an evil thing. Seeing these pictures have for the first time made me feel like when she first broke up with me: devastated and betrayed. The only advantage now is that I have been sticking to NC strictly, and never replied to her attempts to break NC. She has no idea how I am, or for example, that I had a bad night last night because I looked at these stupid pictures.

 

And a few weeks ago, I got rid of all reminders of her. Deleted all old e-mails, an entire relationship worth. Gave anything of hers or that she had given me to a charity: clothes, books, etc. Threw out all old love notes, birthday cards, etc. that she gave me. I changed my cel # so I can't even wonder if she's called me because she doesn't know the #. Doing all of these things has been really helpful, because it has removed all triggers that made me think of her.

 

And it has helped, and as I've posted previously I really am overall doing very well. But for now, I have to deal with this sickening, punched-in-the-stomach, want-to-puke feeling. And I feel angry, because I doubt seriously that she told all her friends, her parents, etc., that she left me because of this other guy, which she more or less told me (well when she broke up with me she told me different reasons, they were always changing, eventually I realized it didn't matter why she was breaking up with me, each reason I asked her for only made me feel worse). And I know she will hide this other guy from her family, who really liked me, for at least a few months, because they wouldn't be impressed otherwise.

 

But with NC I won't know the answer to any of this, which is good. And with time, hopefully, I won't care. I kind of don't now. And the fact I moved away 2000 miles when she broke up with me helps quite a bit. I live in the same large city as her parents, but the chances of running into them (or her when she comes home for the holidays) are essentially impossible. And luckily our friends were such that we didn't have many mutual ones, in other words NC is much easier because as long as I maintain NC with her and stay away from the internet photos (I don't think there will be more, and neither of us is the type to have blogs or myspace or anything of that sort, I think we were slightly too old when all that became popular) I really have no way of knowing anything about her.

 

Anyway, a small step back.

[Guest]

Hmm, I didn't mean to associate short with ugly. I was thinking about how she once said she was only attracted to guys taller than her, which isn't true with this other guy. Anyway, a completely superficial comment on my part.

[aeren944]

I just have to say, you're doing awesome. It's gotta be hard, but you're doing the right thing. I wish I had thought things through like this with my breakups. Keep strong, man. You're an inspiration!

[BruiserKC]

It's not easy...but sounds like you have the right idea and are doing what you need to do to keep yourself sane. What's she doing, who's she doing, etc...is no longer your problem and shouldn't be.

 

I'm in the same boat with you as far as ex-gf's. Once they were out of my life...that was it. No more contact with them, no phone calls, etc. If I saw her out on the street I was cordial...but if they asked me to call them, etc...forget it.

 

Just keep plugging along and get back into the dating game...you'll find someone that will appreciate you for you, dude.

[Guest]

I checked an online photo album today and saw a picture of my ex at a party. This is from the last day before everyone left for the holidays I guess. Anyway, of course she's sitting on a couch next to this guy. F*** I hate the internet. Seeing this has made me feel like someone just punched me in the stomach, I feel so betrayed I can't believe it. Feels like the damn picture has undone 2 months of progress on my part.

 

I still haven't replied to her email from several weeks ago. In fact I deleted it. Her birthday has come on gone and I did nothing. Christmas has come and gone and I did nothing, nor heard anything.

 

I definitely will never contact her again. I'm 27 and I HATE HATE HATE facebook. I know she's not being heartbroken over pictures of me with other girls (they don't exist, especially on the internet). In fact she's probably not even thinking of me. I know she's in town right now for the holidays, but will soon be heading back to college, where this new guy of her's is. What I really hate is that nobody - her friends, family, etc. - except me (and her, and him) know that she started things up with him a few months before she even broke up with me, when we were talking about marriage, etc.

 

I'm devastated. I have to stop checking for stupid internet pictures.

[Cecelius]

Agreed. Don't blame her for it -- you and she are broken up and its the holidays. I wouldn't give it another thought, EXCEPT that it's a damn good thing this came up and happened before you did get married. Stay away from her profiles - it has no substance. Pretend you dumped her years ago. Wish her the best of luck and go find some naughty young thing to bury your remorse in.

[CaliGuy]

Dude, your first message POST breakup was great. Now you are searching the internet to find photos of her and it's driving your insecurities again.

 

Go back and read what you posted. That was SPOT ON for how someone should get over a relationship. By you looking for these photos you are essentially BREAKING NC! You may not be talking to her but you are hurting yourself. STOP IT!

 

I realize you vested a lot of time in this woman and it hurts you to know that she is dating some guy that you feel doesn't measure up to you. He might not but you need to continue to be strong and resist looking up photos of her.

 

Have you tried hanging out with friends, going on dates, working out, investing in hobbies and such?! I know it's the holidays and you might be reminiscing but to quote (I think forget the author) "The biggest worries in my life never came to fruition." In other words we worry ourselves to death over things that may or may not happen. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself and make yourself a priority and forget about her!

[Guest]

Thanks Cecelius and Cali, your replies are enormously helpful. I've done everything you suggest except for date. I think that's the next step. Because I feel like I've hit a plateau in terms of recovery.

 

If she ever writes me again, I was thinking of sending this reply talking about her and new guy "X".

 

"The speed with which you hooked up with X devalues me and our relationship. It actually helped move past it more quickly though, as it made it kind of meaningless! I'm sure you think about it even less than I do.

 

Sorry this is a negative email. But I wanted to be clear that nobody 'hates you', I just think you're dishonest and I don't respect you anymore. Who knows what you told your family about why you didn't want me in your life anymore. No doubt they, X, myself, all got different stories. Does anybody know the truth?

 

Everybody, though, can be relieved that you did this now and not later. The immature and hurtful and just bizarre way you broke up with me makes me feel sorry for you, I didn't know you were so unhappy that you had a need to take some parting shots.

 

But I DO respect that you made a decision to end something that wasn't fulfilling for you, in order to free yourself to pursue something that you knew would be more fulfilling. I couldn't see at the time that it would be best for both of us, but I'm now happier than I have been in a long time. I probably wouldn't have made the same decision as you, and neither of us would be as happy as we are now!"

[aeren944]

I'm no expert or anything, but wouldn't replying to an email of her's be breaking NC? I wouldn't do that if I were you, my friend. You're doing fine without her. PLEASE don't break the NC rule. I know it's tough and you just want to get those things off your chest or let go of some of that anger, but the risk isn't worth the reward.

 

I guarantee you that she's thought of you, and she feels like crap because she lost a good thing. You'll probably never see it, because she'll get really good at hiding it so that NOBODY sees the real her. Guilt has a way of burrowing itself deep inside of us and making a comfy little home. Like you said, nobody besides you, her, and the other guy know about it. She's thinking about it, especially now, during the holidays.

 

I just wanted you to know that I really respect how you're handling this. I was in a similar situation and it ended up as NC, but I put myself through hell before I finally decided to let it all go. You've got a great head on your shoulders, and you're treating this like a recovery from an addiction (which, in a sense, it truely is) and it's really cool how you're doing. Just don't tempt the addiction by breaking that NC rule. Bury that anger and take solace in the fact that YOU made the right decision, and you're a better man because of it. No man needs a woman to make them happy. You can be happy with yourself... and now you're smarter, stronger, and tougher.

[BruiserKC]

Stay strong...don't be goaded into a response. The opposite of love is not hate...it's indifference.