The avoiding relationships excuse

[confused_pookie]

Hi all,

 

I am currently experiencing a very strange situation with a friend.

I've known this friend him for about 3 years now and throughout this time we have always flirted with each other and have been attracted to each other, but have never taken anything further. There used to be quite a lot of chemistry between us but we used to fight all the time because we didn't understand each other. We met at college and have only become friends over the past 1.5 years.

 

One of the reasons why we have never gotten together, for example, is that we were in relationships, so the situation didn't come up. He told me 2 years ago, though, that although he flirted with me all the time, he never made any 'moves' because he had had a gf at the time. He later cheated on his gf with someone because he was not at all happy with her and complained that she wasn't affectionate or passionate. He also kissed me on another occasion, although he'd originally lied to me about being single.

 

He ended the r/ship with he ex about 6 months ago, though still regards the break up as fairly recent and is sick of the r/ship game perhaps, and says that he will be for a long time. Over this time, he has asked me to go on holiday with him twice, to which i refused.

 

We don't speak to each other very often, only about once a week or less due to our busyness. The confusing aspect for me though, now that I have been out of a r/ship for about 3 mths, is that because he is attracted to me, he'll call me late at night for a chat or he'll want to pick me up to take me to his place to watch TV and to cuddle. He knows I'm normally awake in the early hours as a natural habit and he has become offended when I have joked with him about the possibiliy of him wanting me to be his booty call. He possibly does want me to be a booty call in a way - but not for sex. He wants a casual r/ship, with cuddles, kissing me on the forehead, talking, playing with my hair, spooning - but no sex - he won't go there, because then he says things are going too fast, and that 'he may be too happy, and then I would be mad' etc. I'm not really that sure what this means lol. He even gets frustrated on his own accord and then disciplines himself - quite impressive. I'm not sure if he was trying to prevent us getting hurt - or whether talking about the meaning of life with me is less painful than 'meaningless' casual sex. I personally feel that too much emotional bonding can be just as destructive.

 

Not being a fan of casual r/ships generally myself - it seemed ok for a while, and even respectful and sweet, but now I see it as more of a dangerous situation than sleeping with someone you haven't developed an emotional connection with in the first place. I'd rather just be having the sex and then moving on if anything at all. As a result, a couple of times I have become confused about what my role actually was and asked him what he wanted from me. He said that he wasn't expecting anything from me. He'll have a food related surprise for me every time he sees me and gave me a funny card one time, and signed with the word love. He claimed though, that this meant nothing when I questioned him about it.

 

The other thing I had to draw out of him is that he thinks that he's not bf material, that I should be concerned about all his cheating and other immoral points. He said in another conversation that I should not become involved with someone like him, who couldn't see himself getting married, etc. He'll routinely ask if I had a bf every once in a while though, which I feel is annoying. He'll then want to see me asap.

He's obviously sensed that I may want more from him than a casual r/ship, which prompted him to suggest for me not to get involved with him, but if I give any indication that I may not want to get involved with him, he wants to see me casually again and is quite willing to ignore the signals he's picked before.

 

For about 4 mths now, about once a fortnight he'll want me to come over (at a time when everyone at his place is asleep as he lives with his parents, so they won't find out) and he has asked me to be in a r.ship with him early on, and then took it back later (saying that we should see how things go, etc). I have eventually concluded that this situation is rediculous and have told him once before that it's not what I want to do. However, because I have developed feelings for him, I ended up seeing him once more before telling him what I felt, and like a dumbass, asking him if he has feelings for me. I wondered whether I was the only one who was likely to get hurt in this situation.

 

Apart from pushing him away and getting some much needed closure for myself - I seem to have upset him. He said that he doesn't see any reason why we shouldn't be in a serious r/ship, apart from the fact that he is avoiding r/ships. He also said that I would make a really great gf for some guy, just not him. The other thing is that he says it doesn't matter if the girl is me or a supermodel, the outcome would be the same. Although he has feelings for me, he won't tell me what they are.

When I suggested that he may just 'not be that into me,' and that it was fine if he didn't feel those feelings for me he got angry.

 

He said that he had told me that he does not want to be in a r/ship, and that I shouldn't behave like the victim (I think this is his guilt talking perhaps, as I have not blamed him for not wanting to be in a r/ship). He almost had no sympathy for me possibly getting hurt and was completely on the defence.

I think he's annoyed that I have taken the casual r/ship away from him now. However, after I had explained how I'd felt about having become attached to him over time, he says that he doesn't want me hanging around some guy who doesn't want to be in a r/ship, and that he wants me to be happy.

 

I'm interested to know whether you think that he may be using the r/ship avoidance excuse because he would never want to have a r/ship with me, or otherwise? Since I have decided that I do have feelings for him, I'm unsure as to whether I should assure that he may come around in the future if he is ready for a r/ship, or forget about him altogether. I am currently not contacting him and will not for a while to give us both some space after our recent argument.

 

Thank you for reading my LONG post! Please let me know if you have any thoughts as to what you think may be going on here.

 

C_P

[Arianna72]

I wish I did have some ideas for you. I am actually in a somewhat similar position. And am having the same concerns so you are not alone anyhow.

 

I often feel like the avoiding relationships thing does come across as more of an excuse than anything and having someone tell me they are no good for you (or anyone) comes across as though I can't decide these things on my own. I have tried to tell the guy I am seeing to let me worry about me but he doesn't seem to get that at all.

 

I actually tried to have a conversation the other night but it came out all wrong. The guy I am kind of "dating" is also choosing not to have sex with me (though we have before) because he doesn't want either of us to end up getting hurt.

 

Basically what I was trying to explain to him is that for me it isn't even about the sex and I agree with you that in some ways just having "meaningless' casual sex" is if not less painful at least far less confusing when you have already made an emotional investment into someone. Just removing the physical sexual aspect of a relationship does not avoid hurting someone. Especially if you are enjoying one anothers company and he is doing nice things for you and what not.

[confused_pookie]

Thanks for the reply Adriana. I really appareciate it.

 

So you are going to stick with this guy?

Perhaps the no sex is another way of reducing the commitment level?

 

In my situation, I realise that the relationship avoidance issue must be stronger than any feelings my friend may have for me, though I need to work out whether this is the situation for him in general, or whether it is specific to me. I'm going nuts wondering about it as well!!

 

C_P