I don't want to go on...

[boshemia]

Heya... Just needed to talk a bit.

 

I don't want to do this anymore. I just want it to be over. I had almost gotten to the point where I didn't think about what happened that night unless I saw him. Then he raped another girl, and another. For some stupid reason I felt like I was the older, wiser, somehw stronger victim. I would stand up, report it, and all would go well. Surely three rape reports against one man would be enough to put him away right?

 

Nope, instead we all got a brand new stalker. So instead of only seeing him once or twice a year I see him every time I leave the damned house. There he is... and the investigation was closed without so much as interviewing him OR me. I didn't leave the house much for nine months, and then I finally left the area and went into hiding for most of the summer.

 

Then all hell broke loose... it turns out they haven't been investigating a lot of crimes, especially when it comes to this young man. It ends up in the newpapers, on television, it becomes this whole huge thing. I'm watching TV and there I am... the alleged victim of the alleged rapist... one interview and the whole thing blew up.

 

I'm so tired, it was never about attention in the first place, it was about getting somethig done to stop us fom being afraid. Now I am this poster child for justice gone wrong and I just want the damned thing over with. I do want him to stop hurting people, I really do... but it's all just too much.

 

I just want to forget the whole thing ever happened and go back to my life, but I can't. Investigations, reporters, the other victims are all counting on me to be strong and I'm trying but at the same time I just want to scream STOP. Some people stop me on the street and tell me how proud they are of me, and I just don't get it. They tell me how brave I am and I just want to say huh? I'm a chicken sh**, I'm freaking scared to death. Other people look at me like they don't know what to say... and sometimes I wonder if they are thinking I just made the whole thing up, that I'm lying and it's all just a big con.

 

Okay, for the most part I don't care about the last group... I was there, I know exactly what happened. I'll be strong again tomorrow because I hve to be, but tonight I'm soooo tired...

[penkitten]

you are so much more than you think. you are so much stronger and wiser than you imagine yourself to be.

yes, your whole entire ordeal is exhausting and over-eventful and you didnt ask for any of it and you did not deserve it.

i know you dont want to be in the spot light over something this embarrassing.

 

HOWEVER, because of you, lots of girls that get raped are going to remember your bravery and they are going to report it too.

they wont sit there silent like our fore-mothers of the past and keep it to themselves and live with the guilt and the grief alone.

they will tell someone.

 

now this stalking thing... call the police and tell them how upsetting it is that he is still walking around let alone stalking you. see if you can get a protection order for him to stay the heck away from you by at least 500 ft.

call the freggin news if you have to.

continue to speak out.

 

you can rest when this is over. it will be well worth it, knowing he has to stay away.

[blind_otter]

I understand how you feel. I have no answers or platitudes. You must be exhausted. Go easy on yourself.

[boshemia]

Small town and I'm the reason there is an internal investigation. The cops don't care much for me right now. This sounds a little X-files, but it's been so crazy. Part of it is a good ol boy system of law enforcement, people protecting their own. We went all the way to the Sheriff and got nothing but smoke and mirrors. The Judge already had her mind made up before I even asked her for my RO... she denied me four times.

 

Things have been going better, as soon as the judge retired the new judge granted my RO it took me nine months. He broke it over five times in six hours... they couldn't arrest him the first four because he had a right to drive where ever he wanted, and he could hang out the window glaring at me if he wished as long as he didn't threaten me...

 

They finally arrested him the last time, and told me he would be in jail for quite sometime on a hefty bond. He was out in a matter of days and nobody bothered to notify me.

 

I never meant to make it into this huge police corruption invstigation, never meant for any of this... I just wanted a rapist off the streets. I'm hoping that this will better our community somehow... our arrest record is the lowest in the state. People actually move here because they can get away with just about anything...

 

Last week he was arrested on a semi unrelated charge. I didn't go to court because it was just too much... my Mom did. After a year of begging the police to press harassment charges, stalking, anything for protection there were harassment charges filed last week. Only not against him. He claims that my Mother flipped him off while he was being taken away in handcuffs... that's it. One report, one finger gesture... My Mom is being charged with harassment... If I had been there I'm sure he would have come up with something to nail me on as well.

 

His father was threatening to take the case to the governor... his poor baby boy is obviously being persecuted.

 

It feels like every step forward on this case has lead to five steps back. I'm just tired and wanting to see an end to this in my lifetime... it wears you down after awhile.

 

I know we are getting somewhere, I know it... it just seems so slow and sometimes it doesn't seem worth it. The only thing that keeps me going is that I don't want anyone else to go through what I have been through.

[penkitten]

thats a horrible town to live in if they treat the residents like crap and let rapists do what they damn well please.

id move and start fresh but thats just me.

[Brittanyjean06]

Wow I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

You are strong and you are brave, don't let this guy do it to someone else. This isn't something you can just say the hell with it..It's gonna be a little crazy getting everything straight. But who cares what other people think. You know the truth and 3 other women know it to

[boshemia]

Moving seems like a good idea, and I tried this summer but I would have to leave everyone and everything I love behind. My kids would too... My family is here, my roots are here.

 

I'm feeling somewhat better today. We confronted the County Sheriff with some alarming statistics and he actually waled out of a meeting today after he was confronted saying he had better things to do. We got a little more information on the charges against my Mom. Still no report but a little more info... it's a bogus charge, and she can prove it. Thankfully she has many witnesses to her actions that day, My Mom is a government official as are the witnesses all with good reputations and such.

 

The judge really does not like the rapist, court is held once a week on Tuesday. He is there almost weekly, and sometimes on two or three different charges. She has made it clear that she is sick of seeing him. It's not that I think the charges will stick, it's that...

 

Well, I hate to sound childish but It's not fair. I've kind of gone through this cycle for a year, ups and downs. I get to a point where I just can't take it anymore and then something happens that pushes me back into fight mode.

 

Thanks for your ear... and I'll probably be back under this or one of my other names next time I crash. Thank you sooo much, it means the world to me to have people supporting us in our battles.