Wierd cell phone issue with wife

[CrushedOrgans]

 

 

i dont think people truely understand how devastating pride can be....

 

i think we do. which is why we don't want you to have too much pride to realize you may be duped again by the same someone exhibiting suspicious behavior. that's all. only you can decide how you feel and what you do about it.

[ThumbingMyWay]

ya know what...

 

I think I have to revert back to what Ladyjane has said to me...

 

"what's she going to do, hurt my feelings again"

 

and LJ has a point there....she has already drug me thru the dirt....if she did it again.....she knows all too well what the consequences are.

 

Plus the fact that this is really ONE episode in over a year that has really truley triggered me.

 

 

But I will have her add me to the authorised list for the cell account, and I will ask the same questions about getting past detail even though we didnt have it on the bill. And in fact I did call and asked the general question about detail. They said it is not standard, you have to request it. which we just did. And they (wife) also said, since we didnt have it, they couldnt get a past list since it wasnt tracked. I will call again to confirm that they cant give detail after the fact....

 

it they say I can get it after the fact.......well then.....well see what happens.

 

 

BUT honestly....I think she told the truth, I realy do. She knows all too well what would happen if i left her. She DOES NOT want to do that and niehter to I. We are really clicking now...we are closer, its true. She has stated over and over how sorry she is for all she has done. She has shown remorse and has showed thru action a change.

 

Its just this episode triggered me to question her....arrrgggg....do the triggers ever go away?????

[Sup]

OK. So things have been going well for the most part. Wife and I seem to be getting alonb just fine.

 

BUT….we had an episode this past weekend.

 

 

For the most part, I hardly ever check her cell phone, cant remember the last time I did.

 

Anysway, we were camping with 20 other people, close friends and family this past weekend. Were having a great time too. Then Friday night, my wife had a little too much to drink. At some point someone asked were my wife was. I look around, she wasn’t in the tent with the kids, so I came back to camp fire. Then someone said, I think she went to the bathroom, so I walked over to the bathroom quietly. I stood there and listened outside the door for a few seconds and I did not hear anyone in there. So I called out her name. Then I heard a “click” and a “yeah I am here”. She came out within seconds.

 

Now for what ever reason, I said, who were you on the phone with? I asked that because I heard the phone click shut after I called out her name. She said she was talking to her friend. I said, I didn’t hear you talking since I was right outside, so let me see the phone then. Don’t know why I asked, but I just felt weird so I asked. She said, NO, I aint showing you my phone. I said, give me your phone. She said no I was talking to so and so I dont need to show you. I said prove it, she said, no. We walked back to the campsite arguing the whole way…with her being adamant about not sowing me the phone saying things like, its been 2 years, you should trust me now, cant we just move on….I cant believe you think I am still talking to OM….etc etc….

 

So I didn’t want to keep arguing so I left it at that. We get back and she heads to the tent for a second or too, then come back over to where I was standing. She comes over saying, here is my phone, see see, I was talking to so and so, see see…as she is holding it and scrolling thru the recent calls. I said , OK….OK…I see it.

 

The next day we talked about it. She said she got angry that I demanded to see the phone. I said, it seemed weird that I did not hear her talking in the bathroom, but she closed her phone and said she just got off with a friend, then she was so secretive about not showing me. I said, how do I know you didn’t go over to the tent, delete the last call, then show me the previous call list???? I said that seemed odd. She claims se was in a mood and got angry and didn’t think she had to show me anymore. I said, hey….10 years from now, if I ask to see you phone, you will show it too me without questions. I tiold her we need complete honesty. If she had nothing to hide, then she would have showed me the phone right away to prove she wasn’t doing anything worng!!!! right?

 

I mean, all she had to do, was say here, see the last call. BUT SHE DIDN’T DO THAT. She separated from me for a few minutes…before she showed me the phone.

 

 

I talked to her again this morning about it. Her stance was I was in a mood (period week), was drunk and it pissed me off that you still have to questions me. I said, hey, your ACTIONS triggered me to question you. I said, you say 10,000 times that you did nothing woring, but you did not back it up with action,,,,by proving to me to see the phone.

 

 

She appoliged and said she would not do that again. I told her….this was a prime example to SHOW and PROVE trust….even after 2 years.

 

It still doesn’t sit right with me. But I am wondering if its just insecurity and triggers that are making me have that gut feeling of hhmmmm…what was that about.

 

I dunno…was I over reacting….and was her angry was simple anger from being questioned out of the blue even after 2 years????? or was it anger because she had something to hide??

 

I don’t want this to eat at me today. But it was just weird…..it was silent in the bathroom….I call her name and the phone clicks shut?? and she says she was talking to friend, but I was right outside the door and herad no one talking?????,,,then she don’t want to show me the phone….its just weird to me.

 

so its either she was checking voice mail?

 

texting?

 

or she just didn’t shut the phone after she finished talking to friend???? and everything she said was the truth.

 

Still don’t understand why she had such an angry issue with showing me the phone???...then showed me later after we were separated for a minute or 2.

 

She hasnt showed any wierd signs since thennn....ya know like she is guilty of something. Plus the fact that she is really doing well and so are we. and she says....do you really think i would cheat again after putting all this effort it to fixing what I screwed up. I mean she does have a point....its just what happended with the phone thing triggered me into thinking waht ifs again.....aarrgggghhh

 

what do you think?

 

Personaly man, What does your GUT tell ya? If it's telling ya shes screwing someone else, then you need to find out. You could get call log records from the cell company to find out, does it list texts? Times of Texts? Like people on here have said before trust your GUT. I think something is going on, if there is what are you gonna do about it? Divorce?

[JamesM]

Personaly man, What does your GUT tell ya?

 

Like people on here have said before trust your GUT. I think something is going on, if there is what are you gonna do about it? Divorce?

 

 

ThumingMyWay says,

ya know what....I do beliefve she is telling the truth....

 

 

Enough said. His gut matters, not what you think.

[Sup]

no I dont have access to cell records. Hers and my phone are under her name...would not know where to even start to find the rcords.

 

Plus...I dont want to have to keep my gaurd up. But this instanst is just giving me some anxiety again. it just doens seem right.

 

 

Think i will ask her again to explain HOW she can be talking to someone, but I didnt hear her voice while she was in the bathroom....nor did I hear anything while i was walking to the bathroom...it was dark and quiet and if she was talking I would have been able to hear her.

 

I duunno..the way I am...i will worry about this. arrrggggg.

 

I need logical explanations. I need a time line....what I really needed was to see the phone the minute I asked to see it...but that cant happen now.

 

I am a very logical person....the phone she has, you CLOSE to hang up...well, ok, you could hit the end button and leave it open...but most people close the phone. I dont see why she would end a call and leave it open...only to close it the secoend she heard my voice???? Then say she was talking to someone.....but I didnt hear her talking....it just doenst add up ya know???

 

BUT also the logic in me says.....WHY WOULD SHE BE TEXTING THE OM...after 2 years...unless there is still something going on...there are NO signs since 2 years ago when her affair ended.

 

OR...if there is someone else now???? She was such a good liar before....arrggg..I hate feeling this way.

 

I will talk to her again tonight and ask for explaination to my exact question of...I heard no one talking, but you closed the phone after you heard me outside. Explain that to me.....I will also ask for her to get a detailed copy of all calls on that day. I know what time it was, and I know the last call she DID show me...so if she will agree to do that...then it should not be an issue and I can move on from this.

 

Sorry....but I dont like nor trust her explaination of being angry and not showung me because she said i should trust her....it just doset add up.

 

BUT she is a fiesty stubborn woman...maybe she is telling the truth.....she just doenst like to still be quesitoned????

 

Listen to me very closely, if she refuses, Divorce her immediatly! Don't play these lying games with her ANYMORE! Either she DOES what you say, or DUMP HER! PERIOD! And stand by your decision!

[tanbark813]

TMW, you should make sure you get to the bill first the next time it comes in the mail and take a look at what info is really provided.

[Sup]

ThumingMyWay says,

 

 

 

Enough said. His gut matters, not what you think.

 

Neither what you say

By the way I came in a little late

[JamesM]

Neither what you say

By the way I came in a little late

 

I agree 100%, Sup. My point is that when OP makes up his mind, we should be somewhat sup..portive. Telling him to divorce her is NOT best for his future. Telling him to go with his gut, but keep his eyes wide open is what he seems to think. So, go with your gut, TMW.

[Sup]

I agree 100%, Sup. My point is that when OP makes up his mind, we should be somewhat sup..portive. Telling him to divorce her is NOT best for his future. Telling him to go with his gut, but keep his eyes wide open is what he seems to think. So, go with your gut, TMW.

 

I meant ONLY if she doesn't comply with what he says that she needs to do, that's all. Afterall, I think even you would agree that TMW is sick and tired of the lies etc....

[whichwayisup]

Thumbs, you reacted as anybody would in your shoes.

 

I'm glad you two are talking, and sorting this out. If you didn't, it would have driven you NUTS.

 

Don’t know why I asked, but I just felt weird so I asked. She said, NO, I aint showing you my phone. I said, give me your phone. She said no I was talking to so and so I dont need to show you. I said prove it, she said, no. We walked back to the campsite arguing the whole way…with her being adamant about not sowing me the phone saying things like, its been 2 years, you should trust me now, cant we just move on….I cant believe you think I am still talking to OM….etc etc….

 

My first reaction to this was an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, but then I read all 3 pages and I've changed my tune.......(And yeah, my mind went to the worst case senario, and worse too..) I really think she isn't cheating on you. She has waaay too much to lose. You know it, she knows it. So put those thoughts out of your head.

 

For ANY future triggers, she has to understand you. She has made you this way, and has to accept (even with all the hard work) that there will be times that she MUST prove herself to you, even if she thinks you're overreacting. HER job from now on is, to be an open book and hide nothing. That's one of the long term affects of what she did....

 

I am going to suggest that she has to control her drinking, maybe do that less and not drink as much. Seems she gets out of control and can't contain herself properly when drunk...And that makes her a different person, as she doesn't think clearly. I HAVE to believe that if she were on the phone SOBER, and you asked her to see the cell, she would have given it to you asap...Being drunk is no excuse, but it did affect her judgement and obviously her memory...Being less considerate and rude to you didn't help the situation.

 

Okay, I don't want to end my post to you on a negative note...You love her, she loves you -Bottom line. As long as you both are on the same page, working hard, communicating, no matter what then things will be okay. I have faith in you two.

[lighthouse]

As long as you feel comfortable then that is great. If you decide you don't then say something because there is a way to get phone records. Oddly enough I know this for a fact.

LH

[ThumbingMyWay]

I returned home from work. She had to leave for school, so we only had a few minutes to talk. I told her that I called the cell company and that they said she could list me on the authorized list to get info. I told her that they said even though we started the detail listing today, we would get list on the bill starting today, but any day in this cycle can be given verbal over the phone. Our billing cycle ends this Thursday so last Friday could be given verbally over the phone.

 

I told her all of this. And her answer was, NO…I wont give you access, you have to trust that I tild you the truth. I said, what? NO, you will do this. She got angry and said no, then left. I followed her and said, your making a grave decision. She said, she was done with this issue. She started cryig and left.

 

RED FLAG again….

 

So, I go to my sisters to look at her water heater and eat diinner. Told her of all that has happened since Friday. She agreed, given the facts that something didn’t add up.

 

 

My wife called on her break. I asked again for access, she said she cant do that. I asked again, did you call anyone other than your girlfriend. She said NO. I asked is there something on Firday nights call log that I wont like. She said maybe, I don’t know. (some light???)

 

I asked her again, she said no. Then again, and I get a maybe, a I don’t know…..wishy washy…RED FLAG.

 

So she gets home from school. She says, “I have decided I am not telling you anything and I am not giving you the access. She said, I am here, I love you and I want to be with only you. I am not cheating with OM or anyone else. I just want to continue to work on us.”

 

I asked again, tell me the truth…..did you call OM? She said I aint answering

 

I said, ok, did you dial his number. She said I don’t know…maybe. (ok I am getting somewhere).

 

I finally said, this is aYES or NO answer. Did you call OM?

 

 

FINALLY….she said YES….

 

She was on the phone with her friend. Her friend said, that OM did not show up for a work party because he doesn’t flirt anymore and didn’t want to e like that anymore.

 

At that point my wifes anger came trhu. She became angry that this OM was so full of crap with how he deals with other women and she said, she couldn’t help herself, so she hung up with friend and dialed OM number….basically to leave a drunk dial message calling bullcrap and basically wanted to give him an earful.

 

But the minute I called her name thru the window of the bathroom, she hung up the phone….which was the click I heard….(I knew my gut was right..I knew it!!!!)

 

She was scared to tell me the truth because she thinks I will leave her. I told her….thank you….all I wanted was the truth. My anxiety left me immeadiatly.

 

So we talked some more and determined that she has lots of angry over this. She does not want anything to do with him. She just wants to out him and his line of crap. She feels like he got off scott free and when she hers rumors of his behavoiur with OW in the office, she just gets angry. And the alchol clouds her judgement,,,,and she made a mistake by trying to call him to bitch at him.

 

She was very sorry and scared. She knows she loves me and wants to be with me. This is truth, my gut tells me so….and my gut hasn’t been wrong so far.

 

Plus, she did admit that she is the one who has been projecting on to me for me to move on….when it is really her that needs to move on from him and his conviving ways. For what ever reason….the rumors and actions she hears that he does still has a hold on her. They make her angry that OW in the office fall for his lines….and angry that she fell for them too….she sees thru his BS. I and her think mainly because she/we is the one who is hurting…and he got off scott free. We never told his wife, a decision we both regret.

 

SO…she said, she made an oops (for lack of a better word so don’t flame it ok) I said, yes you did….a big oops. And that all the work we have done to rebuild trust has been knocked down….because she made a bad decision due to anger and alcohol.

 

I told her….the next oops and I will move out and seek divorce…..that is my stance and I made it very clear, that she nneds to get her stuff straight and move on and not woory about what he does anymore.

 

She has an appt with her IC this week. I suggested we should start going together for joint MC. She agreed and also said her IC has even suggested it if we ever decided we needed joint MC again.

 

SO……I have a set back to deal with now….and we are back to MC to sort thru this once and for all.

 

After 2 years…..its getting kinda old….but I will endure….I have love hope and faith….and a big heart. If she don’t get it this time…..then I will do what is best for ME…she gets one more chance to work on this….if I aint satisfied…then I am gone….thats it….maybe I have too big of a heart…..but we do love eachother…that I know….she just needs to get over her anger for him. I have…now she does too.

 

 

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO ARE THINKING ABOUT CHEATING OR ARE CHEATING OR WHAT EVER IT IS THAT YOU DO…THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO YOUR MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP….CHECK YOUR HEAD!!!!

 

Read all my posts in the infidelity threads….start from the beginning…..all the way to this thread…..

 

.I WISH THIS PAIN ON NO ONE….

 

cause the boots that I tread in are wore through...they are tattered and they hurt like a mofo…..but it’s the pair that are there under my bed….I have to wear them everyday…I do it…..I put them on and I endure……everyday…..

 

DO THE RIGHT THING…have respect and dignity….and for Gods sake…..stop being selfish….

 

Peace on ya

[lighthouse]

Well I am glad that she told you the truth. If it makes you feel any better that was a really bad lie so she is not a very good liar anymore. Small comfort I imagine but it was a REALLY bad lie. Anyone can get those logs - easy.

Good luck in MC.

Take care,

LH

[tanbark813]

She got scared/defensive because you called her on her bluff about needing to request "detailed billing". She made up the story about wanting to call the OM on his s**t and being afraid to tell you. If it was really that innocent she would have told you during the camping trip. These kind of stories sound SO familiar. No offense, man, because I've read your posts and I like you, but any hurt you experience after this point is your own fault.

[Guest]

...get on her account too. Now that she has told you the 'truth' she should be just fine with that.

[Pyro]

Hi TMW.

 

I just read through your thread. You really did go through alot to get to the point of her finally opening up to you. You must really love her. That is a shame that you had to go through so much just to get to the bottom of what happened. I went through a relationship where the trust was uneasy because of past events. We tried counseling and the couselor suggested having an open relationship, meaning do not keep anything from each other. IMO, that is what the two of you need to do. IMO, if she really had nothing to hide, then she would have had no problem agreeing to let you see the phone records. Let me ask you this, if the tides were turned, don't you think that she would have wanted to see the records? I bet that she would. She wasn't being very empathetic towards you. I really do hope that the two of you having a lasting relationship, but its obvious that there are some trust issues involved and she needs to be willing to work on them with you, and thus far she has not really done a good job at that. You should not have had to go through so much stress and uneasiness just to get her to admit something to you.

 

Just my two cents here.

[JamesM]

Now I didn't get if you said this...but are you now going to get access to be authorized on her account? Personally, I would not quit with this. A little safeguard won't hurt. Yes, she can get around it, but that would make it harder.

 

I still have a hard time wondering why she called him from the party. Drunk yes, but suddenly after two years, she calls him because she is mad?

 

Good luck. I could tell you weren't certain before if your gut was right. I hope your gut is right THIS time. I have not gone through your pain, but I can only imagine what this is causing you.

[JackJack]

NOW....she also asked if they could get her the detail from the past 30 days, and they said NO since they didnt have detailed on the account. but they can start now.

 

 

I'm not sure what cell company you are with, or why the people would tel her this, but people can get detailed cell bills from the past 30 days. You can even get detailed bills from a year or two ago. My sister did this when she suspected something with her husband. She asked if they could pull up detailed cell records from about 2 years ago back, becasue they had just recently got detailed billing. They told her sure, but it was a charge for it. MY guess is she told you they told her this becasue the call she recently was on would be on that bill. Not sure, but thats just my guess.

[Walk]

Uhm.... I was thinking she told the truth about calling him out of anger. In my opinion.. she went through hell for the affair, nearly lost everything, has had to bust her ass to regain what she nearly lost, and suffers to this day for her affair. While OM got off scott free. No repurcussions, no reprimands, no problems. He gets the smug satisfaction of having his ego stroked knowing he nearly ruined her entire life. And nothing that ever happens will ever impact him as detrimentally as it did her.

 

Just my opinon, but I'd want that guys head on a stick in my front yard.. And I'd spit on it every day as I walked out the door to go to work.

 

So I could understand why she would drunk dial him out of anger.. and I think she's telling the truth. But I would get added onto that cell account. Might cause her to second guess any irrational drunk dialling moments in the future. Like that old saying about how locks keep honest people honest.

[blind_otter]

Uhm.... I was thinking she told the truth about calling him out of anger. In my opinion..

 

 

Then why would she have such a problem allowing TMW authorized access to the bill? If it was just a one time thing.

 

I've done this, I did it to my parents ALL the time when I was young, and I did this ALL the time when I was using drugs. I would get caught and make up a half truth that contained SOME of the truth, but mostly a lie. The half truth was usually enough to get them off my back.

 

I can recognize this because I did it myself. I'm just saying.

[lighthouse]

Everyone:

There already are detailed accounts - that is what phone bills are for. By definition they are detailed accounts of phone calls. You can get them simply by going to the website of your phone company and setting up your account. Simple as that.

LH

[littlekitty]

I agree with everyone who suggests pushing ahead with getting put on the phone account and getting detailed bills from now on. Plus it wouldn't hurt to confirm her story would it? It will show call duration if there was any.

 

You are married, there should be no reason not to give you access to the phone account.

[amaysngrace]

I think you should let it go, TMW. I feel bad for her. She messed up, and she's paying heavily for it. Even still. Alcohol was involved, which made the whole situation worse, but you both behaved badly.

 

Please, for the sake of your marriage, make a decision.

 

Either go after the bill and harbor the mistrust which will be the demise of your marriage, or trust what she says is true and pursue it no further.

 

Your choice.

[blind_otter]

I think you should let it go, TMW. I feel bad for her. She messed up, and she's paying heavily for it. Even still. Alcohol was involved, which made the whole situation worse, but you both behaved badly.

 

I don't understand this part.

[Guest]

The story is all well and fine, but I still call bull****. She's had entirely too much time to concoct alibis, and I'm sorry, but she's a known liar. You'll be wanteing cell records for your own peace of mind. I hope you find nothing, but I wouldn't bet money on it.