Wierd cell phone issue with wife

[amaysngrace]

I don't understand this part.

 

 

Her action and his reaction, silly.

[blind_otter]

Well I don't understand why his reaction was bad. It was a trigger. He freaked out. That is what happens when you go through trauma. When you're with someone who has that issue you HAVE to help them manage their triggers. Otherwise you end up triggering your partner all the frikkin time. And no, you can't always just "get over it".

[amaysngrace]

Well I don't understand why his reaction was bad. It was a trigger. He freaked out. That is what happens when you go through trauma. When you're with someone who has that issue you HAVE to help them manage their triggers. Otherwise you end up triggering your partner all the frikkin time. And no, you can't always just "get over it".

 

 

Yeah but alcohol only intensifies the triggers. It is a major cloud of judgment, and on such a delicate issue he should refrain from becoming so emotional on an incident that occurred while under the influence of alcohol.

 

She behaved badly as well, by covering up the call. Again, maybe she wouldn't have done so had she not been drinking.

 

There really is no bad guy here...just two people who acted not so great.

[Guest]

I think you should let it go, TMW. I feel bad for her. She messed up, and she's paying heavily for it. Even still. Alcohol was involved, which made the whole situation worse, but you both behaved badly.

 

Please, for the sake of your marriage, make a decision.

 

Either go after the bill and harbor the mistrust which will be the demise of your marriage, or trust what she says is true and pursue it no further.

 

Your choice.

 

Sorry, trust is earned back. All she has to do is show her committment with a little self-control. That means no more contact. Never-ever, for any reason ever, and that means never. She also needs to be truthful and open. That means no more lies and being willing to prove yourself. She appears to be failing miserably on all counts. I suspect the continued betrayal runs deeper than he knows. In this situation, there's right and wrong. Everything else is just excuses. Do you think he want's to live the rest of his life looking over her shoulder? She better get hot on cleaning up her mess and come to terms with what that means.

 

I get the feeling she's keeping compulsive tabs on the OM. He's probably actively dating again and she's got a fire in her pants about it. I'm guessing the number will show up again in the recent past, many times.

[grateful]

TMW - -

 

I'm going to give you the perspective of a former-WS. My situation is different from yours and your wife's but I'm hoping this will help you some. It's different because I never told my SO and I was able to cut it off before it went past two kisses. I'm now in self-imposed NC with OM and though he pops into my head at times I am usually able (now) to bring reason to the forefront and remember that the short term pleasure of his desire for me is miniscule compared to the long term joy of growing old with my SO.

 

I do understand the drunk dialing. When I tried NC before, those were always the moments that dragged me back into the phone conversations. One drunk dialing and the lines of communication are open. And the process begins all over again, both with OM in order to sort out "no we aren't going to communicate anymore, no I don't want to start anything up," as well as within your own head, i.e. the addiction, just like an alcoholic having one drink.

 

I think it is likely she is telling the truth about the call being made in anger. But I think even the truth is a problem - - why does she care what he does two years later?

 

Two years later? Two years later she has to let go of whether he go off scott free or if he has been punished. If she is concerned that she was punished and he wasn't, why add more punishment for herself by opening up the can of worms? She should tell her friend not to share gossip with her. She should work towards not caring what he does or who he does it with or what he is getting away with. Compared to you and your life together his bullsh*t should be a big SO WHAT?! And please don't think it's the anger about what OM has done to your marriage that is making her hold on. She is holding on. Anger is an emotion. Indifference should be the goal.

 

MC is a very good idea. Primary issue, in my opinion, is why she is holding on to him. I don't even have former OM's phone number in my phone anymore. I haven't told my SO about it and so haven't seen the anguish on his face, haven't watched him cry to me, haven't seen my life almost slip away. But imagining it is enough for me to keep working HARD towards my goal of indifference. OM and his issues and what he might of felt about me and who else he might be sleeping with ... all that is a speck in comparison to when my SO smiles at me, when he kisses me for no reason, when he says I love you and I know he is picturing old age with me. Phew! I'm getting myself all teary eyed.

 

Take all this with a grain of salt, because I did not have a long term thing with OM and so it is easier for me to work towards indifference. But I caution you not to take the anger reasoning too lightly. That and the fact that she went automatically back into "cover up" mode with a defensive "you don't trust me" side jab.

 

Sorry to be so negative. Your posts really touched me and worried me. I'm hoping this helps you without hurting too much.

 

Edited to add: As a former WS spouse I think the only one who behaved badly was TMW's wife. He is totally in the right to be asking these questions of her. She is bringing the EMA right back into their lives. Any communication with OM is the EMA all over again. Especially one laced with so potent an emotion as anger.

[amaysngrace]

 

Edited to add: As a former WS spouse I think the only one who behaved badly was TMW's wife. He is totally in the right to be asking these questions of her. She is bringing the EMA right back into their lives. Any communication with OM is the EMA all over again. Especially one laced with so potent an emotion as anger.

 

 

Okay, I agree. I didn't read this whole thing through...mainly the breakthrough events of where she admits to calling him

 

Gosh...from time to time a brain cell would come in handy!

[Mz. Pixie]

Then why would she have such a problem allowing TMW authorized access to the bill? If it was just a one time thing.

 

I've done this, I did it to my parents ALL the time when I was young, and I did this ALL the time when I was using drugs. I would get caught and make up a half truth that contained SOME of the truth, but mostly a lie. The half truth was usually enough to get them off my back.

 

I can recognize this because I did it myself. I'm just saying.

 

I agree with Otter here.

 

I hate myself for even saying this to TMW. But I gotta say what I think.

 

Here's the thing- two years after the fact?? I just call BS on that. You still should request copies of the bills so that you can look at it yourself. To verify that she was telling the truth.

 

I'm two years after the fact and I couldn't give a damn about OM and what's being said about him or what he's doing or who he is screwing.

 

The reason I say this is because you had to drag the truth out of her this time just like before. I remember you saying that you thought you guys were recovering in MC and turns out she was lying the entire time about the affair.

 

Two years after the fact- to hold that much anger- and to be so pissy you'd call him- after everything that you guys have been through??? After how hard she's had to work to earn your trust?? I just find it crazy that she'd even care or be that upset over it since you guys have been in recovery for two years.

 

TMW- request access to that bill. Tell her you still want to see it so that there are no doubts between you two.

[Buttaflyy]

Hmmm. Well, not to call your wife a liar, but I've been with Cingular, AT&T Wireless, and then Cingular once they bought AT&T and of the 2 or 3 plans I've had I never had to request detailed billing. Every bill I've ever received lists every incoming and outgoing call and text message. How would they know what to charge you unless they kept track of every call?

 

Word up on this! Take a look at her last bill and see if it's included there. You may even be able to view it online. I have had different providers and the bills are all detailed (at least online) unless I asked for it not to be.

 

I'm not calling her a liar either. Just check into this.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry, TMW. I'm having a really hard time buying into the idea that this is the only time she's ever attempted contact with OM. It bugs me that she tried to 'gaslight' you after everything you've been through.... all the while she KNEW she was lying and making you crazy with it.

 

You'll need the detail records to determine the truth. It's obvious that after TWO YEARS you still can't trust that you're getting the truth from her.

 

If there's only the one call on there... there's no reason for her to hide the call record from you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry, TMW. I'm having a really hard time buying into the idea that this is the only time she's ever attempted contact with OM. It bugs me that she tried to 'gaslight' you after everything you've been through.... all the while she KNEW she was lying and making you crazy with it.

 

I agree with LJ on this one. 100%!

 

And, the fact what the OM is doing still affects her, kind of means that she's aware of him, he's in her thoughts - Enough that she HAD to do a drunk call to him WHILE a party gathering with you and the kids...

 

I'm glad she finally came clean and that you set the boundries up forcefully.

 

Somehow she MUST get to the point what the OM does/thinks doesn't matter at all! She has to NOT care about anything that relates to him. If he flirts with OW, who f**k'n cares! NOT her problem, none of her business...What's more important is you, the kids and the marriage.

 

The counselling will definately help.

 

Sorry that you had to go through this, and I'm glad you didn't give up -Your gut was screamin' at ya on this one.

[CrushedOrgans]

 

why does she care what he does two years later?

 

 

Edited to add: As a former WS spouse I think the only one who behaved badly was TMW's wife. He is totally in the right to be asking these questions of her. She is bringing the EMA right back into their lives. Any communication with OM is the EMA all over again. Especially one laced with so potent an emotion as anger.

 

agreed and agreed.

 

i know everyone is different, but usually the only people you give any thought to whatsoever are people you miss, people you still care about, or people you want to stay in touch with for some reason.

 

she doesn't like how he treats women now? please. first of all, it's not her business. second of all, she is making it her business. there is a reason for that. can't get over anger in two years? even with a the crap you guys had to go though and all the other things that you guys needed to work, that should have been occupying her mind? come on.

 

she very obviously is still interested in his life, because she wants to know this info about him, and interested in HIM, because she made it her personal business to contact him. know why? because she wants contact.

 

i would never accept her explanations. they're bullshyt. half-truths, like blind otter said, exactly.

 

do whatever you feel is right, obviously, TMW. but don't just blindly trust her; you already know that you can't. or shouldn't.

 

she wants to do what she wants without having to answer to you. that's not a relationship. it's someone playing with someone else's feelings.

[whichwayisup]

she is making it her business. there is a reason for that.

 

Hate to say it, but she may still have lingering feelings for him.

 

Thumbs, sorry because I forget, but do they still work together?

 

And another thing, WHY on earth is her friend involved, letting your wife know wtf this guy is up to...The gossip etc about him. This friend is not a "friend" because a good friend would be kicking her ass in the right direction, and telling her WHO THE F CARES about the OM.

 

Hmm, maybe it's time the OM's wife knew wtf was going on????

[lighthouse]

Here is what you do to get the detailed records:

Go to the internet. Go to the website of your cell phone provider. Type in your number. Create a password. Voila.

If she has already done that then you simply cancel that one and get a new one.

This is not that hard. That is what phone bills are - a detailed record of phone calls.

My phone is not in my name yet I have access to my account. I didn't have to ask permission to get it. I just went to the website and did it.

I also know that it is possible to check other people's phone records as mine have been checked (stalker but that is another story).

LH

[CrushedOrgans]

 

Hmm, maybe it's time the OM's wife knew wtf was going on????

 

maybe he already knows. maybe he closes his eyes to it. seems to be the trend here.

[whichwayisup]

He? OM's wife isn't a he. Hoping that's just a typo and you forgot the "s"...

[CrushedOrgans]

He? OM's wife isn't a he. Hoping that's just a typo and you forgot the "s"...

 

 

yup.

 

see what happens when you have too many people entangled into one relationship?

[ThumbingMyWay]

lots of responses today cant, and don’t really want to respond to all of them.

 

But I will pick WWIU cause she hit on a few crucial points.

 

 

 

 

Hate to say it, but she may still have lingering feelings for him.

 

there is truth to this. He does still have a hold on her mind. She is sick of it…but the way she explains it, is that she and he had some connection that she just cant explain…and she is having a hard time letting go.

 

Thumbs, sorry because I forget, but do they still work together?

 

YES. This is part of the problem. Although he is not in the same office, he does visit hers and they do have intermitten business contact, trhu email and voice mail. We also decided that she will either quit or find a new job by end of year. We thought we could work thru this, but the intermitten contact is hindering my wife from moving on.

 

And another thing, WHY on earth is her friend involved, letting your wife know wtf this guy is up to...The gossip etc about him. This friend is not a "friend" because a good friend would be kicking her ass in the right direction, and telling her WHO THE F CARES about the OM.

 

YES….this is an issue. I asked my wife to tell the friend….no more gossip, no more did you knows, etc. IT MUST STOP. and my wife agreed and will ask said friend to cease all talk about OM.

 

Hmm, maybe it's time the OM's wife knew wtf was going on????

 

OK….I talked about this too. Being a betrayed spouse and the hurt I have gone thru….I just cant put another person thru this. I cant. Some may say who the F cares….but sorry, I cant be the messenger of this kind of news.

 

However, my wife and I decided that I will talk to him and tell him to leave my wife alone and if he ever contacts her again, then I will tell his wife. But the more I think of it…the more I just think I should tell his wife……

 

 

ANOTHER TURN and more info.

 

we met with MC today.

 

here is what I know.

 

This past spring when my wifes mother died, the OM did contact her and offered condolence etc. She did talk with him about it. (first contact)

 

Then its my understanding that a few times at work over the summer, over email, he would toss a hook out to my wife…he was fishing. She did not bite, but she did email/talk with him. Told him she is moving on and he has to also.

 

Then on this past Friday. HE CALLED her during the day.. He made contact first. There talk consisted of him telling her he is unhappy and stressed out…he is sick, he needs help and he is miserable. Basically he was telling her he don’t know how to let go either. same as my wife. They both said, they want to stay in there marriages and move on with life.

 

Then…Friday night is when my wife got angry at him and tried to call him. The counselor asked what would you have said if you didn’t get caught. She said, I would have told him to leave me alone, don’t contact me anymore.

 

So…..the MC agreed I should call the OM. And my wife wants me to call him and tell him to LEAVE HER ALONE. My wifes wants him to stop contacting her.

 

SO I WILL CALL HIM SHORTLY.

 

this is were I am at.

 

 

My wife has broke trust again, but I am choosing to give her one last shot. She knows now this is it, anymore lies and its divorce, simple as that. She don’t want me to leave….she wants me and the kids and our family. She is just struggling with the OM in her mind. She cant seem to let go. So the sooner she quits or get s new job, the better.

 

I am still debating if I should call the OM wife instead of him.

 

 

I am really tired. and quite frankly,,,,,don’t feel like updating my story anymore….I need to go away for awhile….i have no more tears and no more anger….its all drained out…I feel realy numb….like ai don’t even feel at all…..what ever I have left, I am going to hang it out there for one last shot….

 

bye for a while and pray for me

[JamesM]

I am really tired. and quite frankly,,,,,don’t feel like updating my story anymore….I need to go away for awhile….i have no more tears and no more anger….its all drained out…I feel realy numb….like ai don’t even feel at all…..what ever I have left, I am going to hang it out there for one last shot….

 

Thank you for the update. I know it is hard for you to keep updating and reliving it all over again. Hopefully someone here can you something to comfort you and help bring you through.

 

Speaking for myself and probably many more here, we do feel your pain..even if we haven't been through it. Personally, I look forward (?) to an update and always hope for good news.

 

Hang in there. Don't be a stranger. I will be thinking of you and wishing you the best...truly.

[lighthouse]

I understand that you don't want to cause anyone else the pain that you are going through - which is admirable. However doesn't she have the right to know? If the situation were reversed and the OM had told his wife and you were the one who didn't know wouldn't you want her (OM's wife) to tell you?

Oh I think that I confused myself with that one.

I am not one to tell secrets often, however in cases like this I think that not only do you need to tell her but you kind of have an obligation to tell her.

Just my opinion (which most people don't agree with it seems)

LH

[Ladyjane14]

I tend to get so much more angry on your behalf than you do. What's up with that?

 

Must be because you've been a NICE GUY, and you've given that woman the benefit of every doubt... and yet when push comes to shove, she consistantly serves HERSELF first.

 

Yeah, you can call OM or you can call his wife, but next time Ms. Thumb gets the urge to appease her curiosity... there's no reason to believe that she won't go right on ahead, KNOWING all the while that it puts you in agony. THAT's the part that has me seething. I guess she figures if you don't find out, it's no big deal.

 

Did she give you access to her cell phone records, or is she still refusing? Do you have access to ALL her email accounts, including her accounts at work? Do you have access to ALL of the financial records?

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd check EVERY last scrap of that information, and if she's been in consistant contact... I'd bail like a rat off a sinking ship.

 

I think I'd wait until after I'd had a look at the detail records and decide who I was calling after that. Who knows... it might be your lawyer.

 

(You know, I've always been dismissive of the idea "once a cheater, always a cheater"... but sometimes you just gotta wonder. )

[Sup]

Hate to say it, but she may still have lingering feelings for him.

 

Thumbs, sorry because I forget, but do they still work together?

 

And another thing, WHY on earth is her friend involved, letting your wife know wtf this guy is up to...The gossip etc about him. This friend is not a "friend" because a good friend would be kicking her ass in the right direction, and telling her WHO THE F CARES about the OM.

 

Hmm, maybe it's time the OM's wife knew wtf was going on????

 

And PLEEEEASE don't say it's too late, forget the revenge thing, how many more families does this preditor have to screw up before some kind of action is taken against him, Think of it as JUSTICE! HE NEEDS IT!

[Mz. Pixie]

I tend to get so much more angry on your behalf than you do. What's up with that?

 

Must be because you've been a NICE GUY, and you've given that woman the benefit of every doubt... and yet when push comes to shove, she consistantly serves HERSELF first.

 

Yeah, you can call OM or you can call his wife, but next time Ms. Thumb gets the urge to appease her curiosity... there's no reason to believe that she won't go right on ahead, KNOWING all the while that it puts you in agony. THAT's the part that has me seething. I guess she figures if you don't find out, it's no big deal.

 

Did she give you access to her cell phone records, or is she still refusing? Do you have access to ALL her email accounts, including her accounts at work? Do you have access to ALL of the financial records?

 

Honestly, if I were you, I'd check EVERY last scrap of that information, and if she's been in consistant contact... I'd bail like a rat off a sinking ship.

 

I think I'd wait until after I'd had a look at the detail records and decide who I was calling after that. Who knows... it might be your lawyer.

 

(You know, I've always been dismissive of the idea "once a cheater, always a cheater"... but sometimes you just gotta wonder. )

 

I'm with LJ here. Look through everything. Just to make sure there is nothing she isn't telling you.

 

She should have told you the first time he emailed fishing. The fact that she didn't, well, smells fishy.

 

I believe the reason she was angry that he was flirting with OW- is because he initiated contact back with her like he was still interested and the fact that he did so and is still flirting with other women has her seething.

 

"Wait a minute- he just said he still wants me- how dare he!"

 

I'm dang sorry thumbs. It really irritates me that this woman is doing this after all you've done to repair your marriage. I know you love her......this is just wrong.

 

How can someone be in withdrawal after two years?? I just don't get that either.

[blind_otter]

I'm sorry TMW. I will say a prayer for you today.

[littlekitty]

Best wishes TMW. I hope things work out for the best for you.

[justice]

When my h was in his affair he did this many times to me when he was talking to her. You need to keep your head clear and keep a sharp eye out, this doesn't sound promising. It doesn't feel good either. Sorry you are having to go through this.