What are we??

[karenina21]

I've been friends with this guy for over six years. In that time, we've only hung out a few times, but we've stayed in touch through phone calls and IM.

 

We talk often about anything and everything. We are able to see eye to eye on so many things: religion, work, morals, etc. He "gets" me the way nobody else does. Not even my boyfriend of five and half years. Likewise, he says the same about me--that I "get" him like nobody else, including his now wife.

 

The way we met was this: he worked for a news station and I was an intern. He noticed me right away and began following me around asking me questions about myself. I thought he was cute and could tell he liked me. On my third day at the intership, he asked me out. I thought hard about it, but turned him down. At the time I was in a horrible abusive relationship, and wanted to get out of it, but didn't have it in me at the time. So, I turned him down and told him why. But what ensued was one of the most intense friendships I have ever had.

 

Soon after, I finally dumped my ex and was single for six months. Meanwhile, he started seeing the woman who just became his wife. But during that time, we talked to each other for hours a night. Eventually he admitted he had strong feelings for me.

 

But at that time, I had met my current boyfriend, and though the attraction was there for my friend, I told him I did not think of him that way, and so we stayed friends.

 

His gilfriend turned wife saw the emails we exchanged, and got very upset. To this day, she does not know that we still communicate.

 

I am still with my boyfriend, and do not wish to come between him and his wife. However, we are still friends.

 

In the time since he asked me out, and he admitted feelings for me, I realized that I had feelings for him, and told him. We both have feelings, and we both have grown and changed through six years. I am now a successful professional person, not the college kid I was when I met him. And he is so much more openminded than he used to be.

 

We talk all the time about our friendship and how we feel about each other. He wants to see me so badly, and I want to see him, too, but we are too afraid of ruining the relationships we're currently in. Even though we pledged to just be friends, there are feelings and mutual attraction there, so I think we're both afraid of not being able to control ourselves if we saw each other.

 

That said, every time my friend and I talk, I get a rush, like a warm fuzzy feeling shot through with adrenaline. I get along with my boyfriend, but I've gotten bored, and I also feel like he just does not understand fundamental parts of who I am.

 

So what do I do? I enjoy my friend and our conversations, and he and I want to see each other, but we can't act on our feelings, so what do I do?

 

I am able to keep things in check and still be his friend, and so is he, but how do I stop us from wanting each other?

 

Thanks,

 

Karenina:confused:

[Almost]

Wow, that's a tough spot to be in. If he wasn't married, I would say you two should dump your current significant others and get together. But since he's married, it's not so easy.

 

The problem is, you are both much more attractive to each other because for each of you, the other person is the forbidden fruit that you cannot have. So that only makes you want each other more. If you were hanging around each other and not dating or married to anyone else, and nothing was preventing you from being together, it wouldn't feel so thrilling.

 

It's hard to tell from your post what's really going on in this relationship. He married this other woman, so I hope he's in love with her more than you, even now, and wouldn't want to divorce her in order to be with you. But if he thinks he might love you more than his wife, then he shouldn't have really married her to begin with. If he goes after you, either he's really in love with you more than his wife, or he's just trying to live life on the edge and have you as a mistriss on the side, with no intention of ever leaving his wife for you. Or, maybe he doesn't know until you two get together and you see what happens.

 

If you go after him, you'd be the classic homewrecker and very selfish on your part.

 

So if you never get together with him you will never know if you are each other's soul mates and the love of each other's lives, and you'll both always wonder what if.

 

If you do get together, either it will be the best thing ever, and he'll divorce his wife and marry you and you'll live happily ever after, or you'll have a discrete extra marital affair that will last a while then flame out, or you'll have an affair and his wife will find out and you'll ruin his marriage, and then you'll get bored with him and break up with him, and you'll move on and his life will be ruined.

 

Please keep us up to date on what happens!

[karenina21]

He bitched about his wife long before they married, saying she doesn't understand him at all. She doesn't understand his love for writing and asks when he's going to get a "real" job. He tells me she never reads the column he writes--I read it every week. He also has never told his wife or his family the truth on his religion--that he no longer feels any kind of faith, and no longer wants to be a Catholic.

 

I alone am the only person who knows these things, though I have told him many times to be himself and especially to be truthful to his wife. Much as she hates me, I have nothing against her, and do not want her to be hurt.

 

Therefore, I'll never go after him as long as he is married. He had misgivings going into it and has even more now, but it's up to him to sort it out, and he knows it.

 

The thing is, I have similar issues with my boyfriend. He does not understand my love for writing and has read only one or two pieces in the entire time I've been with him. Unlike my friend, however, I have found a successful niche in writing where I am successful. My friend's column is successful, but he does other things as well to bring in money. He wishes to be a full time writer someday, but it's tough to get exposure.

 

What are these feelings I have? Am I in love with my friend? Is he in love with me?

[Almost]

I don't understand why he married that woman despite the misgivings and second thoughts you mention he has. It sounds like he shouldn't have married her. What do you think he would say were the reasons he married her?

 

It's good that you say you won't go after him as long as he is married. He has to figure that out for himself as you say.

 

I don't know if you're really in love with him or not, only you can know that. But somehow you have to continue to live your life without putting your life on hold, waiting to see if he will divorce his wife. I don't know if he really loves you either.

 

The only way for you to ever find out would be if he divorced his wife and then you two tried going out together. But you could wait for years for that to happen and it might not ever happen. And then if it did, you might date for a while and then find out you're not in love. There are no guarantees.

 

But if he's not in love with his wife and not happy, I don't know why he married her but maybe he should consider getting a divorce. Do they have any kids?

[karenina21]

Like I said, he had some misgivings about her, but I think he would say that she had bugged him for a committment (she did), and also he had been with her for so long that it was all he really knew.

 

He felt like it was the right thing to do, because of how long they'd been together, and he does love her. He loves her kindness, because she is a very giving person--she's a nurse, and works very hard for it. But as far as other reasons...I don't know.

 

He always says she is a good person...but he has always talked more to me about how she doesn't understand him, how she thinks he is still the same rigid Catholic boy she met six years ago, and how she doesn't support his writing. She's trying to push him into teaching, which he doesn't want to do.

 

My friend says he is able to open up to me like nobody else, and I keep encouraging him to talk these things through with his wife. He says he tries, but she gets upset or she changes the subject. He says he is the one to bring things up, always.

 

Tonight he was bitching because his sister just broke off her wedding, and has been at their place constantly for the last month or so. So, he and his wife have no alone time.

 

But he said that issue is only part of the problem; it's the growing sense of being misunderstood by her and her family that's getting to him. Like I said, she's a devout Catholic and he no longer believes; he wants a tattoo and she thinks it doesn't fit him; he wants to continue his writing while finding a communications job, but she wants him to teach.

 

He further knows that if they want kids, they're in trouble, because he doesn't think he can raise them with a religion he doesn't believe in.

 

He knows he needs to have serious talks with her, and I told him this before he was married. He has tried to bring them up, but she gets so upset he backs off.

 

I have also told him that while I am his friend, I can't be his sounding board or counselor. Now, mind you, he listens to me bitch plenty about my boyfriend, as well.

 

I wish I could have had a chance to be with him and see where things went. Perhaps it was fate that made me say no to his asking me out years ago--he wasn't the same person he is now.

 

I have often wondered if this will be one of those situations where we both make mistakes and then come together years later...

[Almost]

I have often wondered if this will be one of those situations where we both make mistakes and then come together years later...

 

Yeah that's what it's sounding like. But it's not going to get any easier as time passes by.

 

So he had a regular Catholic wedding and promised to the priest, God, and his wife and family and everyone to raise his kids Catholic and everything, but he didn't really mean it?

 

If he had a real full blown Catholic wedding, then he can't just get a divorce, he would have to have an annullment or whatever and his wife might not agree.

 

I don't know. It doesn't sound likely that he is going to turn around and get an annullment any time soon. You two will probably just be friends and pen pals forever. Or, you can be his mistress and live life on the edge, but I wouldn't recommend that.

 

Perhaps some other people wiser than me on this site have some better advice.

 

Good luck!

[karenina21]

I'm fine with just being his friend, it just gets complicated sometimes because he reaches out to me and says he still has feelings, and other times I reach out to him because I still have them, too. There's this tension there, sexual and otherwise, and it will always be there, because of the circumstances we're in.

 

He did have a full blown Catholic wedding, but he did it for his wife's and family's sake. I told him I didn't think it would be right to stand before God and profess to be married before Him if my friend didn't believe in Him.

 

Well, I guess we'll continue on the buddy route for now. I've no intentions of becoming a mistress on the side...I've got some morals. I will be his friend and see where things go with my boyfriend, and what is meant to happen, will.

 

I just wanted to vent about the situation and see if anyone on the outside can pinpoint exactly what these feelings are that my friend and I have.

 

Thanks for listening

[Almost]

Well it sounds to me like you are doing the right thing, considering the situation. It's a tough spot to be in for both of you.

 

I would advise your friend to go to Catholic confession and talk about all his issues and feelings with a priest. Have him confess to the priest about losing his faith, about his issues with his wife, why he got married, and about his feelings for you. This is what Catholic confession is for. If he has a cool priest or one more open minded about things, it could help him.

 

My sister is married to an irish catholic man, and his family is fairly devout but not overly so. He's not that into it and my sister didn't want to have a catholic wedding and promise to bring the kids up catholic. They had their wedding in our protestant church, but they found a catholic priest her husband knew that was known to be more "liberal" than most priests, and he actually agreed to help marry them along with our minister in the non-catholic church with no promises to raise the kids in the church.

 

So my point is that some liberal catholic priests do exist and maybe it would help if your friend could find and talk to one, in the privacy of confession. Just a thought.

 

On the other hand the priest might just make him feel guilty. But you never know.

 

Good luck to both of you.