Gee did my eyes get opened. I need feedback

[GuySimple]

I have been separated a year now and it has been a long one at that. My background is that I had an affair 7 years ago, confessed and worked to put my marriage back on track and never thought of doing it again.

 

Last year, during a discussion, my wife disclosed that she no longer loved me etc etc. Very common on here. We had been drifting apart with her work and her charity work consuming all of her free time.

 

She had become very close to some of the people she worked with on her charities. I remember telling her once that it would be great if she had as much admiration for me as she did them. And that she could talk that way she did with them in emails and on the phone.

 

There was one person in particular who she had a lot of respect. She use to visit he and his family in another city. She would take the kids, who were similar in age, and they would have fun. When we were married I met them and they were very nice.

 

On the past long weekend it was her time with the kids and she took them to visit these people. When I got them this weekend I had asked my kids how things went. I asked if their kids were fun and my daughter said…oh we only saw the kids for an hour or so, he and his wife are separated like you and mom.

 

So, in my surprise I did the “cardinal sin” and asked…where did you stay? They stayed with my ex’s friend at his house. The all had their own room but she said it was kind of weird. I asked why and she said that for starters they didn’t get there until 2am after a 6 ½ drive. The funny part of it is my ex texted me at 4pm the following day to tell me they “just arrived”.

 

I am so angry that for the past three years when I didn’t feel comfortable about some of what I was hearing or seeing she threw it back at me that I was restricting her and not letting her grow. I feel hurt that for so long I felt crappy that I was wrong to suspect something.

 

A big part of me wants to phone his ex and see if my suspicions are correct. However, a good friend tells me to let it go. I want closure.

[whichwayisup]

On the past long weekend it was her time with the kids and she took them to visit these people. When I got them this weekend I had asked my kids how things went. I asked if their kids were fun and my daughter said…oh we only saw the kids for an hour or so, he and his wife are separated like you and mom.

 

I'm sure your jaw dropped open when you heard that one. I'm shocked!

 

So, in my surprise I did the “cardinal sin” and asked…where did you stay? They stayed with my ex’s friend at his house. The all had their own room but she said it was kind of weird. I asked why and she said that for starters they didn’t get there until 2am after a 6 ½ drive. The funny part of it is my ex texted me at 4pm the following day to tell me they “just arrived”.

I think you need to tell her what the kids said and what you know now...

 

I am so angry that for the past three years when I didn’t feel comfortable about some of what I was hearing or seeing she threw it back at me that I was restricting her and not letting her grow. I feel hurt that for so long I felt crappy that I was wrong to suspect something.

 

You have every right to feel this way. Makes you wonder when she told you she didn't love you anymore, ofcourse - That HE had something to do with it. Seeing as you two are separated but not divorced, you still have a right to know WHO is going to be around your children, and her hiding the fact the friends were separated was wrong. Talk to her calmly, but let her know you're very disappointed in her about her hiding this from you.

 

AND, you two alone need to talk about the timeline and her change of heart.

 

Listen to your gut, chances are they've been intouch for a long time....

 

A big part of me wants to phone his ex and see if my suspicions are correct. However, a good friend tells me to let it go. I want closure.

 

Then call. If you need to know and need that closure, do it. But, be prepared beforehand, know what you're going to say and do it carefully. I mean, if she doesn't know about her ex and your wife, I"m not too sure if you should tell her or not.

[RecordProducer]

1. You are separated so each has a right to date other people.

 

2. Just because she is dating him NOW doesn't mean that they were more than friends during the last 3 years. Plus he was married, too. He recently got separated, right?

 

3. You had an affair 7 years ago so ... how does it feel?

 

4. Move on. You'll get over her.

[Lor]

You've got your closure--she's moved on. Whether they were getting together before he separated...well, that's not a good thing but its really probably none of your business. Their marriage is on the verge, too, and do you really want to involve yourself with all that? You open the door to his W then you'd better be prepared to become her sounding board and support shoulder.

 

As far as her bringing the kids around him, if it makes them uncomfortable then you should say something to your W about it--she should have the common sense not to do that until she is sure the kids can handle the situation.

 

Don't throw it in her face about seeing the other guy....you've been apart for a year. Is her life supposed to have stopped because you are no longer together?

[Mz. Pixie]

You've got your closure--she's moved on.

 

Gosh, Lor- I believe I said that same thing to you!

 

GS- I understand why you're so angry. She told you she just didn't love you anymore- and now there is a possibility of her being with this guy all along.

 

I'd be pissed. She made you feel like the bad guy for having the affair 7 years ago when she's done the same???

 

I'd be investigating and I'd bring it to her attention. You've let her bully you for far too long, IMO. You've been so understanding and nice to her, you really have. I'd give anything if my ex acted toward me like you do her.

[Fun2BMe]

On the one hand I agree with RP that you are no longer together and therefore she can be with another man if she wants to. On the other hand I agree with Ms. Pixie that you should do some investigative work to find out how far back their relationship goes in terms of being physical.

 

Did she fall out of love with you because you cheated or because she was falling for him? Did she make you feel worse than you were entitled to? I would contact his ex to find out what the scoop is.

 

Chances are she found out about them at some point and your wife could just as well be the cause of their separation and you may be the only one of the four in the dark about the whole situation.

[Lor]

Gosh, Lor- I believe I said that same thing to you!

 

Hey, Mz.P, you sure did!! :lmao:

[whichwayisup]

Did she fall out of love with you because you cheated or because she was falling for him? Did she make you feel worse than you were entitled to? I would contact his ex to find out what the scoop is.

 

They worked through it, after his affair, and then 7 years later she out of the blue told him she didn't love him anymore and wanted out. To me, honestly, it seems that she and that guy were "Friends" but getting closer back then. Just my gut reaction to hearing this recent news.

 

Ofcourse now she can do what she wants, see who she wants, but I think GS has to find out how far back this goes...Was he 'around' quietly while they were fixing their marriage, when things were OK back then.

[alphamale]

I want closure.

"closure" is usually over-rated...

[Fun2BMe]

"closure" is usually over-rated...

 

You may be onto something here. Sometimes it's better to walk away and move on accepting how things are and not wanting further answers, than try to torture yourself as a means to get closure, which may never happen.

[alphamale]

You may be onto something here. Sometimes it's better to walk away and move on accepting how things are and not wanting further answers, than try to torture yourself as a means to get closure, which may never happen.

not only that sister but you can also create your own "closure"....and your mentally fabricated "closure" is usually superior to the real deal.

[GuySimple]

Thanks for the suggestions and advice. I have weighed my thoughts over an over, trying to figure out if it really matters at this point.

 

The reality is that I have met someone else and have moved on and am quite happy with the exception of this. Really finding out the truth would only mean pointing my finger and saying, “there I was right all along you b!tch”. Is it going to change anything? Nope. I expect that in some ways this is payback for what I did with an affair. The trust I took away from her did harm her emotionally, a lot.

 

There are a couple of things that will probably have a much bigger impact than anything I could say or discover at this point. If she is having a relationship with this guy it will have a significant negative impact on her relationship with our kids. They will most likely immediately jump to the conclusion that the relationship was the reason their parents are not together.

 

Part of this is my exW making as a few months ago she told our 12-year old daughter about my affair. Yup, very dumb thing to do. She did it one day when she was very angry at me.

 

My daughter has questioned me several times since then about the timing of my current relationship. Things like how long did I know her? Did I know her when we were still married? Etc.

 

The other thing that will most certainly have an impact is that both my ex and the guy are on the executive of a non-profit. It won’t take long for people to start asking questions. I do feel bad if their credibility is damaged as they do, do good work.

 

But, having said all of this, part of me still wants to pick up the phone and give the guy's ex wife a call just to say hi. They did use to be friends while we were married.

[dgiirl]

GS, you already realize that it really doesnt matter in the big scheme of things. It aint going to change anything. Sure you might be angry about it right now, and you might get a little satisfaction knowing she might have done wrong too, but really, why open that can of worms? It's been a year! If you mention anything, your exw will just assume that you still are not over it. That you are still pining for her, and she might get some kind of arrogant boost to the ego. Dont waste your time on her anymore. Like Alphamale said, our own closure is the best closure. We're able to come up with reasons why things didnt work out, and stop questioning things. When we go to others for closure, they inevitably say something that will only have us ask more and more questions. Their reasons are never satisfactory. Create your own closure and drop the topic.

 

The only thing you DO have a right to speak up about is the fact that she's bringing your kids over to a guy's house at 2am. Mind you, if you do speak up against that, then you're giving up your right to do the same.

[Mz. Pixie]

Part of this is my exW making as a few months ago she told our 12-year old daughter about my affair. Yup, very dumb thing to do. She did it one day when she was very angry at me.

 

 

WHOA- this is fighting dirty, GS. Especially when she may have done the same thing.

 

Of course, it wouldn't be right to tell your kids that even if she did.

 

I have to admit that my wanting you to find out is a little self serving- because I truly believed that she was seeing someone else or had feelings for someone else the entire time. Women just do not jump up and leave their husbands over an affair that happened seven years prior. They just don't. They don't upset their kids- and tear their lives apart for stupid reasons (the majority of the time). It's usually when they have another man on the scene.

 

It's up to you. Another part of me wants you to find out because by golly you've bent over backwards for this woman. You haven't been bitter towards her- you didn't play any financial games with her in the divorce etc- and you've been damn good to her since then in an effort to have a good relationship with her for the kids. Finally finding out the truth would be quite freeing to you- because you've held ALOT of guilt over this whole thing.

 

If you found out there actually was someone else, it might relieve some of that guilt as well.

[GuySimple]

My main concern is to determine if she has not been truthful over the past year or even 6 months. There has been no reason to lie to me as I have been in another relationship. I sometimes wonder the judgement she displays with our kids. If there has been a significant deception and she continues to do strange things like taking my kids at 3am to see a boyfriend or disclosing inappropriate things about me to a 12-year old, it may result in me taking action against her.

[Lor]

have you started documenting stuff yet?

[Mz. Pixie]

My main concern is to determine if she has not been truthful over the past year or even 6 months. There has been no reason to lie to me as I have been in another relationship. I sometimes wonder the judgement she displays with our kids. If there has been a significant deception and she continues to do strange things like taking my kids at 3am to see a boyfriend or disclosing inappropriate things about me to a 12-year old, it may result in me taking action against her.

 

Taking the kids to see a boyfriend at 3am????

 

The comments to the child was way inappropriate. She wants to paint herself as the victim with the children. When we know it was she who wanted the divorce but you are way too honorable to tell them that.

 

I don't understand women that bring their bfs around their kids especially when they are only separated. I dated my now H when I was separated but my kids never heard about him, never saw him or anything until the divorce was final and I was sure I was marrying this person.

[GuySimple]

Taking the kids to see a boyfriend at 3am????

 

I don't understand women that bring their bfs around their kids especially when they are only separated. I dated my now H when I was separated but my kids never heard about him, never saw him or anything until the divorce was final and I was sure I was marrying this person.

 

The biggest part of this for me is the lack of disclosure. She may not even be having a relationship with this guy but if she is and they are around my kids together I want to know and I don't think that is being unreasonable. I don't have a problem with guy. We have met several times and is a nice guy. So I keep asking myself why do I even worry? I know that I have closure issues. That after a year of trying to move on I still have a whole host of unanswered questions around why this all happened.

[Lor]

That after a year of trying to move on I still have a whole host of unanswered questions around why this all happened.

 

Why did it happen? Cuz life sometimes sucks, honey. I wanted answers, too, and closure but as stated personal closure is the best closure. What you are looking for won't come in a handwritten note from her, explaining everything. What you are looking for needs to come from within yourself, finding peace with the whole situation and being able to move on. And once you reach that point where you're over it, the weight will be lifted and you can then move on. You'll know it when it happens--no one can give it to you.

[Mz. Pixie]

She may not even be having a relationship with this guy but if she is and they are around my kids together I want to know and I don't think that is being unreasonable.

 

Any woman who drags her kids out at 3:00 am to see a man is seeing him. We just don't do things like that.

 

She's not going to disclose it to you GS, because you're the scapegoat and she wants it that way.

[Lor]

She's having a relationship with him, that's plain as day. What she's doing is not showing consideration for your kid's feelings or your kids period. Mz.P is right--she has no business dragging them out till 3 am to go see her new honey.

 

As far as her disclosing it to you? Its been a year--its really none of your business. But! If this is what she wants, then do the divorce so you can be free to do what you want also.

[GuySimple]

It is probably not any of my business. But, the fact that she ended our relationship with no real explanation except that she feel out of love with me, was not willing to go to any counseling what so ever, still angers me to this day.

 

Combine that with frustrations I had in our marriage about the time she was spending on her non-profit work and comments she has made all along that I was unsupportive in her endeavors.

 

I would be quite p/o'ed to find that after all of that she ended up in a relationship which I suspected was happening or going to happen all along.

 

If she had not gone to great lengths to make me feel like a **** for even suggesting such a thing two years ago I wouldn't care.

 

The only reason I care now is to proof to myself that I wasn't crazy the past 2-3 years for thinking this. That's all. From a relationship perspective I have moved way past that. Have a wonderful relationship now which is going on 8 months and gets healthier everyday. But it is the nagging question I have about whether I was being paranoid or over reacting that I need to find out for myself.

[a4a]

well you may never find out the truth ......so assume what you want and let it go.

 

Boy if I was your current SO I think I would be miffed about how much energy and thought you are putting into this. Don't you think it would be more productive just to let it go?

[GuySimple]

well you may never find out the truth ......so assume what you want and let it go.

 

Boy if I was your current SO I think I would be miffed about how much energy and thought you are putting into this. Don't you think it would be more productive just to let it go?

 

Thanks for the jerk back into reality. Let it go right...I should just move on and forget it. Not my problem to worry about.

[dgiirl]

Thanks for the jerk back into reality. Let it go right...I should just move on and forget it. Not my problem to worry about.

 

It's totally understandable how you feel. But you are still trying to control the situation. You want answers, you want her to fess up to the truth, you want to know the truth. But you cannot force her to tell you the truth. You cannot control that, and you have to allow her to do what she wants to do.

 

If your gut feeling back then was screaming that something was going on, then i bet something was going on. She might totally see the situation differently, and perhaps they were not as physically involved back then, but each side can see the situation completely different. If it helps you to move on to believe she did, then allow yourself to believe it. This is where personal closure comes from. This is YOUR truth. This is how you perceived things, and give yourself permission to believe what you need to believe in order to move on.