ddd Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 My boyfriend of 18 months told me that I am his best friend, someone he trusts the most, needs in his life, finds attractive both physically and mentally and knows that I am the right one for him BUT feels too young to settle (he is 25) and wants to explore further (i.e. see other girls) as I am his first serious relationship (we have had amazing chemistry, unlike anything I've experienced before). He says he wants us to remain friends in the meantime (which I know I can not do). He seems sure however that the romantic part of our relationship is over. I am at a loss and left totally heartbroken and confused. Why would he do somthing like this, even though he himself says he knows that he will regret his decision one day :cry Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 ddd - I am very sorry to hear this has happened to you. How old are you and your ex bf? Unfortunately, 90% of the time, the reasons that someone gives us for breaking up are not always the truth. Were you guys having any problems, issues or was there anything going on that you felt was weird or out of the ordinary? Did he just all of a sudden one day break this off or did something change or was there a fight? In my experience with dating guys and having alot of guy friends, when a guy breaks it off with you but tells you he knows he'll regret it one day, thats just to ease the blow for you, making himself sound nicer, like he's not sure if what he is doing it right or not. Maybe he does just realize that he wants to 'play the field' but then you deserve better!!! You deserve someone that wouldn't want to take that chance of letting you go....cause someone better will come along and snatch you up!! With your feelings about him, would you have wanted to end things to take a chance and see whats out there?? I would say probably not, so why does he.....the fact he does means he doesn't deserve you. I would focus on yourself right now and try to break contact with him right now.......for yourself, and it'll show him what he's lost, but you deserve someone better than that!! Link to post Share on other sites
superconductor Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 That sucks, ddd. If there's any silver lining here, it's much better that you found this out now than in the future, esp. if there was marriage in the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddd Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Hi guys - thank you for responding. My boyfriend is 25 (I am 27). We have not had any problems in our relationship, except that it was an LDR for the latter part of it (we were actually making plans to move together to a third location, neutral to us both and things were looking great - until now). I think he got scared and feels that this is leading towards marriage, etc. I don't feel at all this way and am not in the mood for marriage yet - just us having a good time and continuing with things as they are. I think he was honest with me and in my heart, I do know he meant what he said. He said he would be very upset if I found a boyfriend (which is just great considering that he wants to see other girls)! He says that this is something he needs to do now, and I have tried my hardest to undersand because I have male cousins who have gone through exactly the same thing, at that exact age, where they broke of wonderful relationships just to play the field (and then find out that they made a big mistake). And none of them meant to hurt their partners or lie to them - it was just something they sincerely felt they had to do I have since cut all contact with him and pulled back (2 and a half weeks now). He said he wants us to talk things out but I'm not sure what the point would be - he's made up his mind. In my heart I know that there is nothing I can do except get on with my life as best as I can and let him see what life without me is like (I think he feels that I will always be there for him). If there is any hope for us, it has to come from him realising that I am the one he wants. With the way things are and the fact that I am his first proper relationship, he has nothing to measure me or our relationship against. And no, I would not let him go to explore further, but then again, I have had other relationships in the past and am aware of how hard it is to find someone special...he isn't... Oh, this is so hard.... Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 In my heart I know that there is nothing I can do except get on with my life as best as I can and let him see what life without me is like (I think he feels that I will always be there for him). If there is any hope for us, it has to come from him realising that I am the one he wants. QUOTE] ddd - this quote sums it all up in a nutshell. You need to move on, for your own sake, and focus on your life now. Sounds pretty selfish to me to tell you he'd be upset if you got another bf, but he wants to go out and see other girls. Either, way, I am sure he is a nice guy, but now who cares, cause all thats important right now is you and how you feel. NC is a good thing for you probably right now, but this doesn't mean you can't be friendly if you do run into him and stuff, you just have to look out for yourself now. What does he want to talk about with you if he already has made his decision? Sounds to me like he's not 100% sure what he is doing and that his issue, not yours anyway.....you can't just sit around and wait to see what HE wants to do.....now you should think about what YOU want to do and what YOU deserve. If he realizes he lost you and made a mistake, he needs to prove that. As long as you are being treated as you deserve, that should be what counts. Link to post Share on other sites
kulyok Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 I have since cut all contact with him and pulled back (2 and a half weeks now). He said he wants us to talk things out but I'm not sure what the point would be - he's made up his mind. In my heart I know that there is nothing I can do except get on with my life as best as I can and let him see what life without me is like (I think he feels that I will always be there for him). If there is any hope for us, it has to come from him realising that I am the one he wants. With the way things are and the fact that I am his first proper relationship, he has nothing to measure me or our relationship against. And no, I would not let him go to explore further, but then again, I have had other relationships in the past and am aware of how hard it is to find someone special...he isn't... *hugs* I know _exactly_ how you feel. Hold on there, you are doing right things. Full NC is the only way to go. (And maybe... ;-) ) I have heard a saying: 'At 20, when they want to experience new things, they break up. At 30, when they want to experience new things, they cheat. And at 40 they say: "What a fool I have been..."' Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddd Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Swirly, that was so nice of you - thank you for the kind words. I don't know myself what it is that he wants us to talk about. I think he wants to make sure that we part on good terms so as to leave the door open for the future...or to ensure that I remain in his life as a friend (which is impossible because I don't believe in friendships with ex's plus the physical attraction between us is very strong)...And he probably is confused and doesn't know what he wants, more so as he is going through a difficult patch in his life at the moment. But what I need at the moment is to not be hurt - which means no contact, no fact finding, I don't want to know who he is dating - in fact, I want to continue doing what I am doing at the moment - the disapperaing act. And I want him back... :cry: Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 I am in the same boat as you - although I only dated my ex for a short time. But, I am hurt, and my ex isn't even contacting me, so who knows if I'll ever hear from him again. But, it definitely sounds like he wants his freedom but wants to know you are still there too as a possibility.....we all have probably been there and maybe felt like him, BUT, you don't deserve it. He ended it, he broke it off, friendships right now won't work cause it'll always be more than friends right now and especially if the attraction is still so strong, then that leads to possibilities of hooking up and BELIEVE ME, that will only make you feel worse, no questions asked!! So, NC is the best thing for you to do....and IF IF IF there is a chance he TRULY realizes what a huge mistake he made, it'll be when you're gone. If he comes back and wants to try again, you can't just fall into his lap, things need to be on your terms too....he's the one that left and ended it....how can you trust he won't do it again or only will want what he thinks he can't have. Sorry if I am projecting here a little, but I have been thru this and have seen so many friends thru this and it just plain sucks. But, be strong and keep telling yourself you deserve someone who KNOWS you are great and not worth losing. Thats what I try and keep telling myself anyway..... Link to post Share on other sites
Heart66 Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Right on Swirly! I totally agree with her. Absense makes the heart grow fonder. Its not easy [im currently going thru the same type of thing] but NC really is the best way to deal with it. Make him miss you and realize what an asset you are to his life. Hang in there. It will work out--With him...or without him. I believe if it is meant to be, it will be. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddd Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 Thank you Heart and Swirly - those are encouraging words. I am fully aware that there is no way he will appreciate what we had until I am gone and probably until he has dated other girls. But keeping away is so hard, even though I KNOW that NC is a win-win situation for me (I *will* heal with time, and he *will* with time start to miss me (we truly did have a lot of understanding and trust for each other, aside from the amazing chemistry). Has anyone else gone through something similar? Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 DDD - I myself am going thru it now and the last time I had a really hard break up was 2 yrs ago - the NC is best for you but if you keep holding on to the hope that he will miss you and come back, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. He may never come back - so as hard as it is, you need to take care of yourself right now and move on as though he isn't coming back. The ex from 2 yrs ago, he didn't come back - I had a really hard time with that and it was an LDR, but I had fallen so hard for him and we tried to be friends and it HURT SO BAD - anything nice he said I read in to and if he flirted I thought he wanted me back then and we even hooked up once more and I thought that meant we'd get back together, and it soooo didn't. So, it hurt me more to be in contact - now today, we are friends, we say hi every now and then on IM or something, but he never came back and I TRULY BELIEVED FOR SO LONG that it HAD to work out because I had never had a chemistry or connection like that with someone. I held onto that hope for a long time. But, it never happened and I can look back now and be ok with it all, but try not to let that hope run this for you, cause it may never happen. You'll be fine, I know it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ddd Posted September 14, 2006 Author Share Posted September 14, 2006 Thanks Swirly - I agree with what you are saying. This isn't my first break-up, so I know that I can get over it. In fact, the worst break up I ever had was a few years ago (to a guy I was actually engaged to) and it nearly killed me....but I survived and have been a much stronger and better person because of it. Now, when I look back on that, I feel nothing at all. So I know that they don't always come back...and I know that its dangerous to hold onto hope but the only way that hope is going to disappear is with time...I just can't *not* hope right now, even though I know its bad for me. I trust myself that that, too, will pass...Its funny, because with that previous break up I had with my ex-finace, I never had any hope that we would get back together, even though I was crushed and even though I would have liked us to - I just knew in my heart that it was over. Link to post Share on other sites
swirly27 Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Oh I hear ya on all that! I have had breakups where I knew it was just over too and the hope wasn't as strong. Plus, I can preach here to you what I know as good logical objective advice.....but I still have this hope too.....and I am hoping it will go away sooner than later. I don't want to hope and I don't want to miss him and fantasize, but I do.....I hate it. So what I can't always say to myself is much easier to say to someone else because we know things to be true when they are not about ourselves or our own hurts and hearts. :-) Link to post Share on other sites
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