Truly feel like I'm going INSANE...

[Going Crazy]

Greetings! I hope someone reads this post/thread, and is able to help me gain some sort of objectivity here... This is my very first post here (actually my very first post in a public forum), and I feel desperate for any feedback that would help me understand/cope a little better/not jump out the window...

 

I'll try to make this brief, although it is kind of a complicated situation- Basically, I've been in a very serious relationship for the past 6 and a half years... We truly do love each other, and want to be together/work this out (we are actually planning on getting married very soon), but there has been multiple instances of infidelity in the past 2 years (he cheated on me 3+ times), and he also broke up with me at one point, completely out of the blue, because he was going through a hard/confusing period... A lot of (too much) pain and emotional trauma that I can't seem to get over...

 

 

*Before I continue on, I have to play devil's advocate, and say that in the beginning of the relationship, he experienced a lot of pain because I cheated on him... And in his defense, he has tried to be accommodating/reassuring to my fears of future infidelity (on his part of course)... but now he is just fed up with me because I'm still not over everything and my suspicions/behavior is "making his life a living hell"...*

 

 

Obviously we are back together now, and I have done my best to be patient and understanding of everything, to let go and move on. However, unfortunately I feel I have turned into a PSYCHO because I can't seem to trust him (even though he repeatedly tells me that I just have to trust him now in order for us to move forward...)... Especially when I see girls that are attracted to him (and possibly girls that he is attracted to??), and who actually flirt with him (and sometimes I feel that he is flirtatious as well) IN FRONT of my face, and/or when there are instances that I find blatantly disrespectful to me and our relationship...

 

BUT he won't acknowledge it, doesn't consider it flirting, doesn't consider whatever the situation I am upset about to be inappropriate, etc, and completely deflects it as me being "paranoid" and "insecure". Literally shuts me out completely, won't hear anything I have to say, tells me that I'm driving him crazy with my suspicions and "interrogations", doesn't want to talk to me, etc... He even says that this is MY problem, not his, and he doesn't see why he has to help me with this because I'm just wallowing in the past and dragging us through the muck... He wants me to "just get over it once and for all", or else this relationship is doomed...

 

(*Clarification*: "Helping me" just simply means being honest with me, not closed off, and willing to talk about and/or acknowledging inappropriate behavior/relationships... Is that too much to ask???)

 

Needless to say, OF COURSE I'm trying to get over this... I am DESPERATE to not feel like this anymore... It's a living hell for me to feel like this on a daily basis, and his behavior/attitude/actions are anything but helpful and actually makes it worse...

 

It drives me COMPLETELY INSANE when he won't acknowledge when there is inappropriate/disrespectful behavior... He can get very very stubborn, and will basically shut me out, close the door in my face, etc... which is very frustating and makes me incredibly FURIOUS, and I start to completely lose control (yelling, screaming, pushing, etc...)

 

Now I know that is no way to act, and I'm not saying that I am "in the right" to act out like that, but during those times, there is nothing I can really do, and as I already said, I simply just lose control and experience RAGE.

 

And I know I can simply just walk away, but I feel that will be me "giving in"- if I just "let it be", if he doesn't understand certain things, there will be future instances of infidelity FOR SURE... and I can't just sit back and watch/let it happen in front of my face just because he doesn't want to deal with it/refuses to face the facts...

 

I've already let him know that it really doesn't jive well with me when he shuts me out like that, is disrespectful to me and our relationship/doesn't acknowledge certain behavior/instances that are very disrespectful, etc... I've asked him numerous times- Please help me, help us, by not shutting me out/being ridiculously stubborn... But it's like a button that he keeps pushing until I react, and then he condemns me for reacting/acting in that way... even though he knows that it drives me crazy when he "pushes my buttons"... ABSOLUTE FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I've tried to be calm and rational and speak to him in a nice/civil tone, and let him know my concerns, but it doesn't do jack ****. Once his walls are up, once he doesn't want to hear something, ESP when it has to do with GIRLS and mistrust, there is no way to get through to him.

 

And that just really makes me absolutey lose it...

 

Which doesn't go over with him very well at all. He absolutely HATES IT when I get like that, to the point where he'll say very very hurtful things (including statements along the lines of how crazy I am, how the sight of me is despicable, how he doesn't want to be with me, etc...), and he will lash out violently as well. And worst of all, it makes him close up even more where he absolutely REFUSES to speak to me/reconcile in any way... In his head he has done nothing wrong, and I am just a belligerent psycho nutcase...

 

Which feeds my rage even more, and the cycle continues...

 

 

WHAT DO I DO????????

 

 

Have I completely lost my mind??? It's gotten to the point where I am suspicious of most, if not all interactions with girls (because he gets so "stand off-ish" and closed off/uncomfortable/unwilling to let me know what kind of a relationship they have)... And it's even gotten to the point where I feel I've lost all objectivity as to what is appropriate behavior and what is not, because he keeps telling me that I'm a paranoid freak... I have a very strong intuition, esp when it comes to things like this, and I've tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'll see little things here and there that just doesn't seem to be appropriate behavior... There really is a very fine line between appropriate/inappropriate behavior/relationships with the opposite sex, and I don't get the sense that his lines are clearly drawn...

 

Breaking up is not an option, because like I said, we really do love each other, and want to be with each other... but this problem is not going away... If anything, it is getting worse and worse... I've been experiencing severe depression and anxiety for the past 2 years now, and I don't know what else to say, except that I am now truly at my wit's end...

 

 

I guess this is not very brief at all...

 

 

*THANK YOU* to whoever took the time to read this, and I would greatly greatly GREATLY appreciate any advice anyone has for me...

 

 

All the best, and hoping to hear from someone soon,

Going Crazy

[JackJack]

IMO I think it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I do believe people can recover from infidelity but the work is hard and has to come from both people and it will not happen overnight. My suggestion to you is, if you both are willing to work on things, then get into some couples counseling ASAP. DO NOT get married until these issues have been delt with/resolved. If either of you feel its just not going to work, or you don't want to work on trying to put things back together it might be best to call it quits now. Remember though, one person can not do the work, it has to be both. JMO.

[Going Crazy]

Thank you JackJack for your response!

 

I have mentioned several times to my fiance about going to couples counseling, ESPECIALLY before we get married, but he absolutely refuses. He is very adamant about "maintaining our individuality" and not doing "couple" things (such as going to couples counseling)... He feels that he is not yet ready to completely "relinquish" himself to me and our relationship, and that he needs to "hold onto" whatever part of himself he feels he needs to hold onto (this includes physical intimacy... yup, no sex for a looooooong while now, but something I'm trying to be patient/understanding about)...

 

In his defense, "personal space" is a big issue for him because he never really had any growing up (he had a very intrusive and controlling upbringing...) which is why he takes my questions/suspicions as "interrogations", and reacts in such a way- I'm sure shutting/blocking everything out was his way to cope growing up...

 

But now he can't seem to not react in that way- almost a knee-jerk reaction... that he's not even aware of... Reality? Or just an excuse?? I personally think that although at times it might be an "automatic response" thing, for the most part, I think it is an excuse, and that he is fully aware when he does it, but he chooses to do it because it's the "easy way out"...

 

I have suggested that (if he adamantly refuses to see a counselor together) he should see someone by himself. But he doesn't think that is necessary, and says that he can get over everything by himself. I fear that he won't be able to without some sort of professional help, but I can't FORCE him go to counseling...

 

Both of us are not willing to give up on this relationship, but we have different approaches as to how to get over all this. His solution is to "take a week off" from each other (which is really hard to do when you're living together)... and I don't think that will solve anything because it is just more "shutting me out" and evading the issues...

 

I am truly worried for our future together, and want to do whatever is best for the longevity of our relationship. It seems that I am really pushing him away from me because of my fears/insecurities/suspicions, but they get exponentially compounded the more he shuts me out, which makes me even more paranoid and suspicious, which makes him pull away even more, and etc... a very vicious and unforgiving cycle...

 

Should I just swallow everything and lay low, let him have his "time off"??? Even when I see with my very own eyes instances of inappropriate behavior????? Do I not have any right to point it out and "intrude" into his life?

 

Please help...

[JackJack]

I have mentioned several times to my fiance about going to couples counseling, ESPECIALLY before we get married, but he absolutely refuses. He is very adamant about "maintaining our individuality" and not doing "couple" things (such as going to couples counseling)... He feels that he is not yet ready to completely "relinquish" himself to me and our relationship, and that he needs to "hold onto" whatever part of himself he feels he needs to hold onto (this includes physical intimacy... yup, no sex for a looooooong while now, but something I'm trying to be patient/understanding about)...

 

 

Sounds to like he doesn't need to be in a relationship right now, let alone get married. If he doesn't want to do the "couple" thing like couples counseling, then perhaps individual counseling for himself? Or is he opposed to that as well? He is going to have to work on whatever issues he has from the past etc, up to the point where he is now if he wants things to not only work in a relationship but within himself as well. Unfortuntaly you can't make him do somethingnhe doesn't want to do. So until he makes up his mind what he truly wants or needs to do, theres not alot you can do. however, the ball might have to be in your court as far as making a decision as to what to do. I doubt you want to be left in limbo while he tries to make up his mind what he wants to do. I understand you want to be patient, and theres nothing wrong with that, but one has to wonder how long one holds out in hopes things will change or get better before moving on. No sex at all? Are you saying he cut you off?

[Spinderella]

I have mentioned several times to my fiance about going to couples counseling, ESPECIALLY before we get married, but he absolutely refuses. He is very adamant about "maintaining our individuality" and not doing "couple" things (such as going to couples counseling)... He feels that he is not yet ready to completely "relinquish" himself to me and our relationship, and that he needs to "hold onto" whatever part of himself he feels he needs to hold onto (this includes physical intimacy... yup, no sex for a looooooong while now, but something I'm trying to be patient/understanding about)...

Well, how can you get married and not call it a couple thing?

This relationship sounds absolutely cr&p.

I think in order to get past things like this in a relationship, one of the people need to let go of an attitude. You cannot, and will not be able to use force to get him to see your side of things. He cannot be forced to reassure you, and you cannot be forced to overcome insecurities. The only thing that you can control in a relationship is what you put into it, and your own attitudes toward it and toward the other person.

So, if you are really determined to try to resolve these issues within the relationship, then you need to try to resolve them within yourself. You have made numerous excuses for his infidelity, perhaps they are valid reasons for it. However, if you really believe in these excuses you have to really believe in them. Your words are saying one thing, and your feelings are saying another. You have even now begun to ask reassurance from members of the public in this forum. This is evident because you have listed all the reasons for his infidelity, you are trying to persuade us, to reassure you based on the evidence you have given on his behalf.

It sounds as though this is not sitting well with you, and nobody on earth can tell you that everything is okay or not. All that anybody can really do is to encourage you to be brave enough to really look at your feelings without hiding even from yourself with excuses and stop asking anybody to reassure you.

The best move, is probably to take a good long break from him, and deal with your feelings about this on your own. This would need to be a total break. During this break work on yourself in every way possible. The objectivity this will give you and the strength that comes from working on yourself, will enable you to trust yourself to make the right decision regarding this relationship.