ProudDadof2 Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 I posted as a guest about "She wants to end the affair in person" My wife has cheated on me, promised to never have contact, then weeks later was making a plan to try and bump into him again. I have been putting every effort into fixing this to try and save our marriage. She has sworn commitment to me, but how come I'm the one trying to get help in a forum, reading ariticles, and looking into counselling. While she trims the dogs hair and tries to find songs with touching lyrics. I don't think a short haired dog and a love song are going to fix the marriage but maybe I missed that article in my endless hours of research. Many articles say she is detached and needs to reattach herself to the marriage but if the effort is all mine to get her to reattach herself is she really just humoring me? Thanks in advance, I'm learning there are many people out there with compassion for my situation, I just thought my wife would be one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Be strong and just tell her she must choose to make the committment to you. Fix things and focus on you and the marriage or the marriage won't last another 6 months...... Get her into counselling, she still needs to move through the emotions of ending her affair with the OM, and until she fixes herself, and completely shuts that door, things will be as they are now...Her not lifting a finger and letting life go on by, while you sit there waiting for her to wake the F up. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 The "betrayed" are usually the ones doing the work because they are more responsible, more stable, and generally stronger people. It's typical. If your WS is just moping around, sniffling, depressed, make no mistake, she's biding her time before lowering the boom. Get to the MC now if you think that will work, if not start making plans for being single. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Be strong and just tell her she must choose to make the committment to you. I appreciate you are saying. My issue is how do a believe the commitment after she's assured her commitment and so quickly broken it. I guess what I want to know is how much time should be allowed for her to tell me without even a twitch in her eye that she will never have any communication with him. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 Since the only reason the affair ended is because you caught her, she's still into this OM. She hasn't stopped feeling whatever it was she was feeling for him that led to the affair, so now she's moping and depressed because she wasn't ready to end the affair and she misses the OM. She may have sworn commitment to you, but her actions don't show that she really is ready to let go of the affair and to focus solely on your relationship and family. I'm very sorry; I know that's not easy to hear. From your other thread, I saw that you have computer records of her dealings with OM. That just might be helpful to you in a custody hearing; talk to an attorney about divorce and custody under the circumstances so you are well informed. That information might help you in dealing with your wife now so you can be very firm in telling her that if she's not interested in working on reconciliation, you won't hesitate to file for divorce and file for sole custody of your children. She needs a wake-up call here, and she might not get it if she thinks you're willing to stay in this marriage at all costs because of the children. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I don't think it's cool to use the children as pawns. They should be left out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I don't think it's cool to use the children as pawns. They should be left out of it. I didn't think there was any mention of children. Where did you get that assumption? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 This is a very good question. More than that, it hides a cruel answer in it. The natural process would be: the cheater gets out of his/her way to earn forgiveness from the betrayed spouse, while the BS is angry and reluctant to forgive. I have never dealt with infidelity, but it doesn't prevent me from being able to imagine to enormous pain you're feeling. If you're suffering and she is OK because she got away with an affair then something is very wrong. It's time for you to stop holding onto the marriage as if you can't do any better. She must see that you haven't forgiven and will not forgive until you see a huge progress on her part. Don't talk to her, don't cuddle with her. Let her wonder what's happening in your head. Let HER suffer for a change! Link to post Share on other sites
justice Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I can identify with you here. Much the same was happening in my m with my h before we got into mc. I know how you feel about wanting to know and feel her commitment. I'd stick to my guns on working on it but I'd also be documenting in writing the strange things that happen. Document everything, time, dates etc. even if you think it's too small to worry about, the small things do add up and make perfect sense after awhile. I wish you luck, keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 wow, i am currently going through the same thing. what i have learned through counselling is that there are underlying issues. her swearing her commitment to you is her way of sweeping the issue under the rug. seek counselling (single and together) or you will be back in the same boat in another 6 months. no lie. unfortunately, this is just the beginning. it is a long hard road. i dont think i would be taking it if it wasnt for my child. you have to look at yourself and be honest. there is obviously something that your wife is missing from her marriage to you. and it is that thing that the OM is providing. it sucks, but now is not the time to put on the rose colored glasses. and if you don't have children, then run as fast as you can ot of there. believe me, this is a pain i don't wish on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
DarkShadows Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 ---The "betrayed" are usually the ones doing the work because they are more responsible, more stable, and generally stronger people.--- I could not agree more with this statement. I was cheated on twice by my current boyfriend. Not physically cheating, but this is another story and I won't bore you with my situation. I am the one who is doing all the work. He is hardly doing anything to make me trust him again because 'He doesn't know how to prove he is trustworthy' when he doesn't even trust himself. Hell I don't know how he could show me he is, honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I didn't think there was any mention of children. Where did you get that assumption? Maybe from the poster's name "Proud Dad of 2"???? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 2S: I was referring to NJ statement's about threatening sole custody. Sorry 4 the confusion. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 2S: I was referring to NJ statement's about threatening sole custody. Sorry 4 the confusion. All that info about the kids and his fear of losing custody to her if they divorce is in his other thread that he started as 'Guest" (She wants to end the affair in person), which he referenced in his first post on this thread. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 I didn't think there was any mention of children. Where did you get that assumption? Maybe from the poster's name "Proud Dad of 2"???? :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 This is part of the typical reaction to discovery. She has lost control of an aspect of her life that she used to be very careful about. Her reaction is to pretend that nothing has changed, that she is still in a relationship. The truth is that, now it is in the light of day, her affair is over. She cannot accept this - yet. It will take a long time, and lots of pain on your part, before the truth finally dawns. She will eventually see what a huge f*ck up she has made of her own life, her marriage and, potentially, the lives of her children. The realisation, whether it comes gradually or all at once, will hit her like a freight train. Then she will be at serious risk of depression, as well as desperate to save her marriage. By way of an example, one year ago my WW swore that her OM loved her more than his own wife, was her true soul mate and that her marriage (of 18 years) to me was a mistake. One year on she describes him as a "predatory b*stard" and, when I have my occasional crises of confidence, begs me not to leave her, telling me that I am her soul-mate. As it happens I agree with her, and have always felt that way, but it has taken A YEAR for her to realise just how much hurt and destruction she has caused. So - stick with it, soak up the abuse, and just think of her as in the grip of a temporary mental instability. It will take a long time to pass, but pass it will. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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