Fun2BMe Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 My sister married an alcoholic. In the begging they would fight because she didn't like how much he drank. Slowly he conned her into drinking too and I am realizing that she has turned into an alcoholic. She can't sleep if she doesn't pass out from drinking every night. I just found out she's been going home from work in the middle of the day so she can drink. I'm mad at her husband for encouraging her. Whenever I say anything, he gets mad at me, short of kicking me out of their house! How could he do this to her? I've tried going to her house when she's not home and hiding the bottles and she has gone hysterical. What can I do to help her before things get worse? I know she's miserable with the drinking. She tries to quit but it doesn't last longer than a couple of days. She laughed it off when I told her to go to Al Anon for help. She doesn't think she has a real problem and can handle it. Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to wait until she 'hits bottom' because with alcohol that usually doesn't help to stop the addiction either, especially with an enabling and encouraging husband. Now she doesn't bug him about his drinking, he boozes her up and gets her to shut up. It is so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 My sister married an alcoholic.Then there's nothing you can do about it. She's made the decision to be severed from her immediate family and start her own.In the begging they would fight because she didn't like how much he drank.She made her bed. She knew the situation before she married him, right?Slowly he conned her into drinking too and I am realizing that she has turned into an alcoholic.It's a sad trap....but again, there's nothing you can do about that now.I'm mad at her husband for encouraging her. Whenever I say anything, he gets mad at me, short of kicking me out of their house!I understand where you're coming from. But, he's her husband. Your sister will remain your sister for life. But while she's married to this guy, you have no say in the going ons there.How could he do this to her?I've come to the conclusion that people just suck. I can't stand them. They only have their wants and desires in mind, screw the rest......so it is with this guy.... I've tried going to her house when she's not home and hiding the bottles and she has gone hysterical.You're treading on some thin ice there. I'd advise that you not do this anymore. But if you do, I'd be very careful that the husband doesn't catch you.What can I do to help her before things get worse?Nothing more than refuse to have anything to do with her if she's drinking.Is there anything I can do to help? I don't want to wait until she 'hits bottom' because with alcohol that usually doesn't help to stop the addiction either, especially with an enabling and encouraging husband.I'm afraid that you haven't a choice but to watch things unfold. I think you're wrong about hitting rock bottom. That's what it took for me to quit my case a day habit. I still drink, just not in excess. Things are goint to get a lot uglier before they'll start looking up.....so hang on tight! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 Nothing more than refuse to have anything to do with her if she's drinking. I'm afraid that you haven't a choice but to watch things unfold. I think you're wrong about hitting rock bottom. That's what it took for me to quit my case a day habit. I still drink, just not in excess. Things are goint to get a lot uglier before they'll start looking up.....so hang on tight! No way, I can't stand by and watch things get worse. If it was me with an addiction, I'd hate for everyone to stand back and "watch things unfold." I invited her to come to my house to go swimming after she gets off of work tomorrow, and she said ok. I can slowly get her to do some activities outside the house, maybe ask her to exercise with me to help her feel healthier and go that route. Once someone gets into exercise, that's an addiction in itself and she might swear off all the alcohol. I'll see, but never will I not at least try to help her, as small as a chance there is it might help. She's a very special person who helps everyone in need and nobody is there for her right now except for her stupid husband who by the way concealed his drinking problem until after the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 No way, I can't stand by and watch things get worse. If it was me with an addiction, I'd hate for everyone to stand back and "watch things unfold." I invited her to come to my house to go swimming after she gets off of work tomorrow, and she said ok. I can slowly get her to do some activities outside the house, maybe ask her to exercise with me to help her feel healthier and go that route. Once someone gets into exercise, that's an addiction in itself and she might swear off all the alcohol. I'll see, but never will I not at least try to help her, as small as a chance there is it might help. She's a very special person who helps everyone in need and nobody is there for her right now except for her stupid husband who by the way concealed his drinking problem until after the marriage. This is why the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics are spent, all their energy, all their love, all their hope -- bleeds into the abyss of addiction, rarely ever seeing the light of day. You want to help her? hah. My family spent thousands of dollars trying to save me. Spent years, many sleepless nights. Spent up all their emotions. People always say this -- especially recovered alcoholics and addicts, but if you've never gone through it you can never truely understand that she must want to get better herself before ANYTHING that you do has ANY impact. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 This is why the loved ones of addicts and alcoholics are spent, all their energy, all their love, all their hope -- bleeds into the abyss of addiction, rarely ever seeing the light of day. You want to help her? hah. My family spent thousands of dollars trying to save me. Spent years, many sleepless nights. Spent up all their emotions. People always say this -- especially recovered alcoholics and addicts, but if you've never gone through it you can never truely understand that she must want to get better herself before ANYTHING that you do has ANY impact.I second this! Like I've said.....you can try all you want. But if you REALLY want to help her.....ex-communicate yourself from her until she dries up. There is nothing to make an addict stop until he/she is alone to face it themselves, by themselves.....and makes the decision to change on their own.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 12, 2006 Author Share Posted September 12, 2006 I second this! Like I've said.....you can try all you want. But if you REALLY want to help her.....ex-communicate yourself from her until she dries up. There is nothing to make an addict stop until he/she is alone to face it themselves, by themselves.....and makes the decision to change on their own.... How can I say this. That is the worst advice ever on LS, to ex-communicate yourself from someone who has a problem until they somehow by themselves get better? No way. They need help and if you don't know how to give that help, I can figure it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted September 12, 2006 Share Posted September 12, 2006 How can I say this. That is the worst advice ever on LS, to ex-communicate yourself from someone who has a problem until they somehow by themselves get better? No way. They need help and if you don't know how to give that help, I can figure it out. Fun2BMe, Moose and Otter are giving you the short course on dealing with addicts. And they are 110% correct. An addict has to hit his or her bottom before he or she will chose to do something about her or his problem. Addicts can be incredibly resourceful, creative beyond the super human and so on just to get their particular 'fix'. The best thing you can do is not to support anyones addiction but allow them to hit bottom and then dig themselves out of the hole they are in. So no saving her butt, no being there for her if she loses her job to drinking, no bailing her out of jail if she gets a DUI, etc. You care about your sister and you want to help her so the best thing you can do is learn as much as you can about addictions, go to al-anon yourself and keep an open mind. If there was a simpler, faster, easier way to help an addict people would know about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 I know it's a terrible thing to think about.....and you can't see yourself treating someone you love like this.....I do feel terrible for you. My sister is on the same road, and I'm still recovering myself..... A lot of people would describe this as, "tough love", and in a sense it is....but much more than that.....you could be saving her life.... I've been to AA, I've been to the councelours, I've been to the Pastors, friends, and family.....every place or person I've been to couldn't do anything for me until I was ready and willing.......your sister isn't ready, or willing..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fun2BMe Posted September 13, 2006 Author Share Posted September 13, 2006 I thought I'd pretend that I had a drinking problem and wanted her to accompany me to al anon. She grilled me over the phone asking if I was tricking her, that she thought I don't drink and finally I caved in and told her it was for her and she is now really mad at me, says she doesn't have a problem and that AA is only for those who are in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Craig Posted September 13, 2006 Share Posted September 13, 2006 Fun2BMe Al-anon isn't for the alcoholic it's for the people affected by the behavior of the alcoholic. See http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html For over 50 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering hope and help to families and friends of alcoholics. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship. Link to post Share on other sites
nancyleeh Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 Fun2BMe, I am sorry you are going through this with your sister. As others have said, when she is ready to quit she will and until she is ready to reclaim her sober self, you might want to try one of the tactics I found helpful to me when dealing with an alcoholic to learn how to set boundaries around yourself. It may sound selfish but in fact, it is a protection and a wake up call for her. Family and friends of alcoholics get emotionally involved and use all their energy to save the person and eventually fall apart themselves. I do not recommend cutting yourself off completely from your sister but an example of setting a boundary might be letting her know in a firm yet loving way that you do not want to hold conversations with her via phone or in person when she is under the influence. That will let her know you still love her but that her choice to be intoxicated is not acceptable to you. That idea is only one boundary or thing you can do to help yourself and in the process, help her and I offered it up here to give you an idea of what can be learned by attending Al Anon meetings (they are free) so you better understand what addition is about and have a support system to lean on and learn ways to better deal with an alocholic. You will be surprised to learn how much encouragement and how much experience and wisdom is shared at Al Anon meetings. If you want to help your sister, help yourself first. Having a strong, informed person in her life may well help her to become strong again. nancyleeh Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted September 14, 2006 Share Posted September 14, 2006 I thought I'd pretend that I had a drinking problem and wanted her to accompany me to al anon. She grilled me over the phone asking if I was tricking her, that she thought I don't drink and finally I caved in and told her it was for her and she is now really mad at me, says she doesn't have a problem and that AA is only for those who are in denial. This is exactly why your interventions won't work. The alcoholic will resent those who try to intervene on their behalf, and most of the time attempts to interveneor alter the alcoholic's behavior will only result in the addict/alcoholic pulling away from their support systems. I did it myself. I'm not trying to give you advice. I'm telling you how it is with alcoholics and addicts because I'm a recovering one myself. Link to post Share on other sites
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