divorce seperation

[Gunny376]

Setting aside Divorce Busters for a moment, I can tell you what's not going to work. That's calling her and coming off as some insecure, un-confiant, needy, whinny, weak-minded man-boy. That will dirve her away quicker than anything.

 

Or, we could try being a jerk. Yea! That's the ticket, go over there like John Wayne or Rhett Butler kick her front door down, swoop her over your shoulder, and tell lher ~ "We're married By God and that's all there is to it.

 

She's either making her mind up about you and the marriage, or she's already made her mind ~ and she's not coming back. If she's already made her mind up that she's not coming back you don't have her anymore ~ and you absolutely impossible to lose something that you don't have or that you've already lost.

 

So the alternative to the above is ~ balance and patience. Hey, I didn't say this was going to be easy! And, I didn't say it was 100% fool-proof, it might work and then again it might not, and what works for one, doesn't and won't work for another ~ there are no absolutes. But, I promise you tetter-totter to either the above and its Good Night Irene.

 

One of the things that you're going to have to come to grips with here, is that in your current state you imagination will run wild. Its called analysis to the point of paralysis. I'm no duty expert ~ but I've been through the mud, the blood, and the beer and got my ass handed to me just outside the Heartbreak Saloon. Its wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun ~ I"m here to tell you and I've become very pro-active and motivated in not repeating the experience ~ least not again in this lifetime.

 

What if my wife read the same book and she is not calling me for the same reasons.

 

:lmao: I don't mean to be cruel, but are you really listening to what your saying here? For God's Sake man, get a grip.

 

I guess my question is, should I stay in contact? Should I call her once a week to check in. I know that this really goes against Divorce Busters but, it feels like it will work in reverse.

 

Again none of this absolute. The idea is not absoulte no contact, the idea is to at least to make yourself appear attractive, confident, self-assure, in control, like you've got your act together ~ that your a man of the world you can take and deal with what may come after him. Balance and patience, the eptiome of such. You don't want to come off as mad, angry, PO, lost dazed and confussed, needy, whinny, wussy.

 

This is one Lady Jane's Post:

 

Realistically speaking, Wolf... your wife has abandoned her husband and children due to her mental health issues. Now, bear in mind that her actions don't necessarily fit the legal definition of "abandonment". But in essence, that's what she's done.

 

There's alot of different things that could be going on with her, depression, hormones... you name it. But the bottom line is that she's doing NOTHING to address the situation.

 

This is where MR REALITY starts biting people on the butt.

You left her a credit card. That's nice of you, but if I were you.... I'd give her a small check every month instead. I'd talk it over with my attorney too. On the one hand you don't want to seem ungenerous. On the other, you don't want to set a precedent for future spousal support, and you most certainly don't want to pay her attorney out of YOUR POCKET should she decide to engage one.

 

She's making a CHOICE to not share in the family's finances. That's her loss. She's got a home to go to.

 

Life's not always a bowl of cherries. Sometimes, life is hard. It's particularly hard.... when you're being STUPID.

Your wife is being stupid right now. She's got a husband and family who love her, but she'd rather go play these mind games. That's fine. But YOU don't have to play them with her.

 

Instead, you will Secure Your Perimeter. You need to keep your family and your finances within your control. Work with your attorney. Be prepared for her to try to gain the upper hand when you get back to the states. You'll need to secure temporary custody of the children, and you'll need to prevent her from incurring debt in your name. Most usually, that means filing for Legal Separation.

 

Meanwhile back at the ranch..... You need to find out if you've got a 'snake in your woodpile'. Pull the detail records on her cell phone as well as her bank and credit card statements. Go through the family PC with a fine toothed comb. With her recent mental health history, it's not unlikely that she's flaked out all on her own. But still... check it out anyway.

 

She's supposedly looking for work and setting up housekeeping in advance of your return. If she's not actually accomplished something... tell her to come back home. If she refuses, give her a time limit to get there. If she doesn't "get there", drop the Legal Separation bomb on her. Your demeanor will be as pleasant as possible during all your interactions with her... so don't let her rattle your cage and engage you in adversarial behavior. You're just a guy doing what he has to do.

 

If it becomes necessary to go as far as legal separation... she's no longer welcome to come back without EARNING her way. She'll need to meet your terms. Really, one of your terms ought to be that she'll get into IC and stay there until she's released by the therapist with a clean bill of health.

 

You asked for the 180's list, so I'll print it for you here. This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting:

 

Quote:

 

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore!

2. No frequent phone calls

3. Do not point out good points in marriage

4. Do not follow him around the house

5. Do not encourage talk about the future

6. Do not ask for help from family members

7. Do not ask for reassurances

8. Do not buy gifts

9. Do not schedule dates together

10. Do not spy on spouse

11. Do not say "I Love You"

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get

busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends,

etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start

the conversation) be scarce or short on words

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his

whereabouts, ASK NOTHING

17. You need to make your partner think that you have

had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you

are going to move on with your life, with or without

your spouse

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull

back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more

important, realize what he will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show

your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him

someone he would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which

may be a while)

21. Never lose your cool

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic

23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes

their feelings stronger)

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really

saying to you

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you

want to speak out

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh &

focus on all the other parts of your life that are not

in turmoil)

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any

words you can say or write

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you

are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with

your spouse

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than

50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in

absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad

you feel

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes

I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her.

 

180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solitious. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet.

 

 

Its your actions that will speak for you more than your words. No contact doesn't mean absolute No Contact, it means the above, and it means keeping your head about you, controlling yourself, your emotions, your words, what you say, and how you say it. Keep it short, neurral, and to a minimum. If you have to ~ if you absolutey have to ~ contact should be once for every three times she contacts you ~ emails, texts, phone calls. And, don't jump at the phone and answer it everytime her name pops up on Caller ID. Hey you're a busy guy and you've got a life.

 

Part of this is giving her the gift of missing you and if you're on the phone and in her face 24/7, guess what ~ she's not going to be missing you! What's there to miss?

 

I realize I've got you walking on a razor's head, but if the Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions ~ the way back is paved with humility.

[Gunny376]

You might want to read these threads:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=95838

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90264&highlight=uksurfer

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=88277&highlight=uksurfer

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=90840&highlight=uksurfer

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=96152&highlight=uksurfer

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=94737&highlight=uksurfer

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t97130/?highlight=uksurfer

[ilmw]

Hi guest,

 

Just read all the posts here.. and I think I need glasses now:D

 

You have been given some fantastic advice here... take it. and it appears you are.

 

I am still going through this nightmare...but it does get easier.. you become conditoned... you adapt to what life is like now.

 

If you are committed to salvaging your marriage... then as you will hear so much on here (LS) you are in for the long haul. This has been going on for 6 months for me and actually physically seperated for 1 month.

 

It is not easy... hardest thing I have ever been through. But I have learned through reading on here.... books..(thx gunny..) and lots of self reflection that I am not perfect.. my sh#t does stink... and maybe I was wrong once and awile. That I did have issues that I was not willing or unable to admit to.

 

I could go on.. but this is your post... In a nut shell... you have to be strong... for yourself.. Do it for yourself... because.. if you and your DW never reconcile... you will be a better man.... for all this

 

"from this firy hell that I am in, I am am tempered... like a phoenix... I am born anew"

 

If you do what is necessary to be the best man you can be... you can't lose.

 

Thats all folks

ilmw

[Guest]

six years ago today is when my wife and I met do you think it would be a good idea to text her and say "I was thinking of you it was six years ago today that we met". Do you think it will help or hurt at this point?

[Guest]

My wife and i met six years ago today. Should I send her a text message that says " thinking of you We met six years ago today". Do you think that it would hurt or help.

[Guest]

My wife and i met six years ago today. Should I send her a text message that says " thinking of you We met six years ago today". Do you think that it would hurt or help.

 

*UPDATE*

 

I sent that message and I didn't call for probably 3 weeks. She sent me a post-nuptial agreement. It stated in the post-nup that she would file for the divorce. I called her and said that I do not want a divorce that I am willing to wait until she is ready to work on things. I told her if she wants a divorce I will sign the papers.

 

I called twice the week I got the post nup. She told me she sent it over becuase we need to divide the money from the house we sold.

 

I told her that rather then sign the post nup that we could divide the money 50/50.

 

Our anniversary was 10-29-06. I wrote a short letter that stated that I do not want a divorce and i am committed to this. I sent a card for the anniversary. That stated "I am committed to this".

 

I saw her out two days prior to our anniversary it was around midnight. I saw her and she came over we spoke briefly and I left. I thought about it and I went back in but I didn't see her so I left. I called a few times and she sent me a text message that said "sorry not the right place or the right time to talk" I didn't call for around three weeks because I called several times that night and I felt I should give her space. I didn't call for our anniversary because I sent the card.

 

I found out yesterday that she filed for divorce. I called her and asked for some things that she had of mine back. She asked if I was going to sign the divorce papers right away. I said that I will sign them. That is all I said.

 

I am at the point now where I do not know if i should call just for closure or not call and just move on. I really would like for us to speak and try to get to the bottom of our problems and try to work them out. Here is the list of questions.

 

Why do you want a divorce?

 

What is it that I did that made you want a divorce?

 

Is there anything I could have done that could have saved this?

 

Why did you wait five months to file?

 

Why is it so hard for you to talk to me about this?

 

Why have you refused to meet with me?

 

 

I am just looking for imput. Thank you.