Supposedly moving in together in two weeks....but having communication issues

[Guest]

hi there,

i have never posted on here before, but i need some guidance. my boyfriend and i have been together over 2 years now, the past year of it apart. we met in New York, but he decided to move back home for a year while i finished school because he hated it there. at first i was devastated, but eventually it became okay. we have had our ups and downs throughout, but most of the time, i think we have been doing pretty well. he does the typical guy thing, where he doesn't call when he says he is going to, even though we have talked about it several times, but after we talk about it, there will be a period of time where he is pretty good about it. we talk more on instant message and through emails than on the phone, and that has always bothered me, but i have dealt with it because i love him and i see us together for the rest of our lives. i have never really been in a long distance relationship before, and i think this guy is my soulmate and i am not going to give up on him. we have had some amazing times together, and i see us being happy if we can work through this together.

 

like i said we have been doing well, up until the last month or so. he is supposed to move in with me in two weeks, and lately, he has been unavailable and very hard to reach. he lives across the country from me, but still works in New York, and it is getting very hectic for him. i understand that, but i am scared because he just wont open up to me. he says that he is stressed, about work, other things, and the move, and although i understand that he has those feelings, it scares me. i am nervous about him moving in too, but i am so excited for us to be together. we had set a deadline for us to be together, but he sent me an email saying that he felt rushed and pushed. I freaked out, and sent him about 10 frantic emails. he said that things were fine and that he was just telling me how he was feeling, but not to worry, so i felt a little bit better. but then circumstances made it so he was unavailable for a few days. I stewed in my own thoughts (which was not fun!) and i sent him a long email telling him how i felt, both the good and the bad. he said that he would email me back in response, to let me know how he was feeling, but it has been a week now, and though we have talked, we haven't talked about the letter.

 

the plan, as scheduled, is still on track. i am to fly out in a couple of weeks to him, and we are going to drive back. i have my plane ticket, but he hasn't gotten his yet. i know that talking about the move only makes him more stressed, because of all the deadlines and other stress that he has, and the miscommunication we have been having lately, but i dont know how to get around these problems we have been having. i dont know how to get him to open up to me and tell me what is making him so anxious, and what he needs from me to fix it. i feel like everything i do is pushing him further and further away. i find that i am turning into that girl...the one who calls constantly when he doesn't answer, the one who analyzes every email over and over again, the one who cant stop talking about the things he is nervous about. i wish i could just calm down and realize that he loves me and wants to be with me, but i need some help (especially from the guys out there) dealing with this, making it easier on us both. how do i get him to open up to me? what can i do to stop freaking out about this and just let things happen. we have been through alot and i dont want to end things now, so close for us to finally be together.

 

help!!!

[Guest]

we talk more on instant message and through emails than on the phone, and that has always bothered me, but i have dealt with it because i love him and i see us together for the rest of our lives.

 

 

Well, you know, long-distance phone calls get pretty expensive. Do you expect *him* to call you all the time? Have you tried phoning him?

 

Hoever, as long as you're in touch on a fairly regular basis, I wouldn't necessarily worry.

 

he says that he is stressed, about work, other things, and the move, and although i understand that he has those feelings, it scares me. i am nervous about him moving in too, but i am so excited for us to be together.

 

 

He probably is stressed. And, unfortunately, you are adding to it by being so paranoid. (Sorry, but that's what it looks like to me.)

 

we had set a deadline for us to be together, but he sent me an email saying that he felt rushed and pushed. I freaked out, and sent him about 10 frantic emails. he said that things were fine and that he was just telling me how he was feeling, but not to worry, so i felt a little bit better.

 

 

So why didn't you take him at his word? You complain that he doesn't tell you how he feels, but then he tells you how he feels, and you freak out. (?)

 

Who set the deadline, BTW? Was it mutually decided, or did you give him an ultimatum?

 

 

but then circumstances made it so he was unavailable for a few days. I stewed in my own thoughts (which was not fun!) and i sent him a long email telling him how i felt, both the good and the bad. he said that he would email me back in response, to let me know how he was feeling, but it has been a week now, and though we have talked, we haven't talked about the letter.

 

 

Yes, but he is talking. Guys aren't usually as skilled at expressing their feelings as girls. Give him a chance and the benefit of the doubt. And, take a DEEP BREATH!

 

the plan, as scheduled, is still on track. i am to fly out in a couple of weeks to him, and we are going to drive back. i have my plane ticket, but he hasn't gotten his yet.

 

 

Has he said *why* he hasn't purchased his yet? Have you asked him how he's going to get back without a ticket?

 

 

i know that talking about the move only makes him more stressed, because of all the deadlines and other stress that he has, and the miscommunication we have been having lately, but i dont know how to get around these problems we have been having. i dont know how to get him to open up to me and tell me what is making him so anxious, and [bOLD] what he needs from me to fix it.

 

[/bOLD]

 

What he needs from you to fix it? Guys don't care much for women fixing things or them. Actually, females don't care much for others "fixing them" either!

 

i feel like everything i do is pushing him further and further away. i find that i am turning into that girl...the one who calls constantly when he doesn't answer, the one who analyzes every email over and over again, the one who cant stop talking about the things he is nervous about. i wish i could just calm down and realize that he loves me and wants to be with me, but i need some help (especially from the guys out there) dealing with this, making it easier on us both.

 

 

You are already *that girl.* So, STOP IT! Either the guy loves you as much as you love him and both of you will do what it takes to be together or you won't.

 

how do i get him to open up to me? what can i do to stop freaking out about this and just let things happen. we have been through alot and i dont want to end things now, so close for us to finally be together.

 

 

Recognize that freaking out is not the answer. Also recognize that you can never make someone else do anything. They have to want to and take action.

 

The guy has already told you he feels like he is being rushed and pushed into living with you. You are not making him feel more at ease by constantly asking for reassurance.

 

He can't give that to you right now. He's being honest about how he feels, and you're not listening because *your're so close* to getting what you so desparately want.

 

The best thing you can do right now, even though I'm sure it will be the last thing you want to hear, is to tell him that you *hear him.*

 

Tell him that you understand he feels rushed and pushed and that's not a good basis for a healthy relationship.

 

Though having a deadline both of you could work toward was a good idea, maybe you were overly optimistic about how soon both of you would be ready to live together.

 

Ask him if he would be would be more comfortable if you postponed the move for the time being. Tell him that you want *both of you* to be sure of your love for each other before you take the next step.

 

Then, sit tight and see what he says.

 

If he's sincere, but just a little confused, he'll be grateful you're giving him the time and space to figure out what it is he wants and needs.

 

If he's already decided he doesn't want to continue the relationship, but he's afraid to say so because *he knows* you will freak out even more than you already have and he can't handle that, you've done both yourselves a favor.

 

Lastly, recognize that relationships never work when one or the other is always having to pull away or push the other along. The best relationships are when both people are in sync with each other in terms of their wants, needs, goals and dreams.

 

You may have been through a lot with this guy, but perhaps he's not the only one out there for you.

 

Best,

Liv