doe absence make the heart grow fonder?

[mutts]

Having a crap day, going out tonight and im pretty sure to bump into her. I know what to do if i see her, but i can never follow my own advice. Any tips?

[Island Girl]

1st thing -- please quit making the enormous mistake of talking to her friends or anyone she know about her. Just STOP IT. You are screwing that part up no matter what happens. If you talk to them -- talk about other things. If she comes up let the conversation go for a minute (don't participate) and then cooly change the subject.

 

You are right this doesn't have anything to do with the abortion. You both did your grieving - it is not about that.

 

That could have been the trigger and she was feeling like - "oh my gawd, is this the rest of my life?" She started feeling stifled.

 

Or the trigger could be as ridiculous as you guys crying together - (for me that used to the big one). She started feeling smothered. She started questioning the relationship - and it was a while before she told you.

 

So she was questioning the relationship. Not seriously but having thoughts about not being with you. Inevitably you sensed it. Perhaps it was something she was or wasn't doing but you started feeling insecure. In reaction you started losing yourself in the relationship. Getting more and more of that lost feeling inside and not knowing where it was coming from or what to do about it. You would reach out to her - she'd pull away.

 

I am thinking this friend she was hanging out with - you didn't like her because of how she seemed to be and never wanted to see your girlfriend act like that. Was she going out a lot with this girl?

 

Anyway - this girl - she goes out with her and has fun. Men have flirted with her and she likes the attention. But then there is you. She has ahistory with you and she cares about you. But during her fights with you she is thinking GAWD I don't need this CRAP - and the conflicts became harder and harder to have a conversation about. Wasn't there a feeling of being shut out before that? Was she pulling away and not resolving issues the same way anymore? Like she was not invested 100%?

 

Well, she was on the fence for a while but because she was not invested 100% - you were not getting along so much - sometimes she was just bored.

 

She was feeling the grass is greener.

 

So she breaks up with you.

 

Here is where there was a huge mistake. She was unsure. She broke up with you and there were times she was thinking about you, how much history you have, how much you truly care about her -- and she regretted it.

 

****This was the perfect time for NC. Immediate NC. Conversations about what you had to talk about. Nothing more. No feelings, no relationship talk. Just Mr. Cool talking to Miss. I-Broke-Up-With-Him- Now-What-Have-I-Done.****

 

You talked eventually. You shared together and she was missing that. That is why she got back together with you. Here is another mistake. You jumped right back in. You should have played it cool. Told her you wanted to see what happens. That when you wanted to move forward, you'd let her know. Then not talked about the relationship. HARD THING TO DO I KNOW. But it is the truth. You jumped in and she lost more respect for you. So she started questioning what she was feeling because part of her started wanting to move away again. She was feeling suffocated again but this time it was worse.

<YES. CHILDISH.>

 

So this time when she breaks it off you chased and bugged her when you, again - should have pulled all the way back immediately.

 

But now you were lost and feel she is a life preserver - you were deperately trying to cling to her, remind her of how much you care about her, get questions answered that she doesn't even want to deal with or hear let alone talk about. She feels angry that when she is away from you she thinks about you, remembers good things, and feels guilty for how she is hurting you -- she knows you are a good guy. But then the second you get a chance to talk to her she feels clung to, suffocated, guilt ridden, and like she just wants to RUN.

She wishes you would just stand up to her and not let her treat you that way. She is losing respect for you each time you have a conversation.

<YES. CHILDISH.>

 

She wants you to love her and be devoted to her. Not anyone else. She wants to back away and play around while she figures out what she wants - she wants you to remain devoted and wait for her to figure it out. Even though she said she wants you both to date other people. THAT is why she got mad. Her ego got hurt -

<YES. SELFISH.>

 

She also wishes she could be with the you before you lost yourself so she wishes you'd be that guy she respected. A strong man who is his own person first.

 

She left the bag as an excuse. She called about the bill THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN TAKEN CARE OF to have an excuse. She is wavering again - thinking about the good things about you, etc.

 

The NC is working on her. It is what you hoped would happen.

 

BUT -- Be Careful What You Wish For.

 

She is primed to be manipulative and self-absorbed. She is only thinking about herself. She is childish and immature. She is selfish and to her, your relationship is not a two way street. She wants you at her disposal - but then she also wants you to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated this way. She wants to hear your feelings (and will even try to get you to gush eventually by leading in with her own feelings if she has to) and at the same time, because of how you are expressing yourself and you lose more of her respect by giving in to her - it makes her feel like running away.

 

She is a very confused girl. She is not ready to be in a relationship that is mutually respectful and healthy.

 

I'm betting she slept with that guy and thought he'd adore her just like you do. ---- HE DIDN'T.

So it showed her you aren't easily replaced. She knows that you are valuable because of that. That is why she is lurking to possibly come back.

 

I do not think you have it in you to deal with her (you did before but you haven't found that guy you used to be AND NEED to be, for yourself and anyone you are with yet) - she is going to flip out at the drop of a hat. Each time it will get worse and worse.

 

She feels things momentarily and goes with it. One minute it is you - the next minute it is not.

 

I feel your pain but I'd consider myself lucky if I were you - realize that she is freaked out with life and no matter who gets into a relationship with her - they are done for. The guys that ARE secure, well, when she starts her crap, that is a BIG RED FLAG to them, they'll bail.

 

She has a lot to figure out and she is not going to do it until she is alone for a while and grows up.

[Rooster_DAR]

1st thing -- please quit making the enormous mistake of talking to her friends or anyone she know about her. Just STOP IT. You are screwing that part up no matter what happens. If you talk to them -- talk about other things. If she comes up let the conversation go for a minute (don't participate) and then cooly change the subject.

 

You are right this doesn't have anything to do with the abortion. You both did your grieving - it is not about that.

 

That could have been the trigger and she was feeling like - "oh my gawd, is this the rest of my life?" She started feeling stifled.

 

Or the trigger could be as ridiculous as you guys crying together - (for me that used to the big one). She started feeling smothered. She started questioning the relationship - and it was a while before she told you.

 

So she was questioning the relationship. Not seriously but having thoughts about not being with you. Inevitably you sensed it. Perhaps it was something she was or wasn't doing but you started feeling insecure. In reaction you started losing yourself in the relationship. Getting more and more of that lost feeling inside and not knowing where it was coming from or what to do about it. You would reach out to her - she'd pull away.

 

I am thinking this friend she was hanging out with - you didn't like her because of how she seemed to be and never wanted to see your girlfriend act like that. Was she going out a lot with this girl?

 

Anyway - this girl - she goes out with her and has fun. Men have flirted with her and she likes the attention. But then there is you. She has ahistory with you and she cares about you. But during her fights with you she is thinking GAWD I don't need this CRAP - and the conflicts became harder and harder to have a conversation about. Wasn't there a feeling of being shut out before that? Was she pulling away and not resolving issues the same way anymore? Like she was not invested 100%?

 

Well, she was on the fence for a while but because she was not invested 100% - you were not getting along so much - sometimes she was just bored.

 

She was feeling the grass is greener.

 

So she breaks up with you.

 

Here is where there was a huge mistake. She was unsure. She broke up with you and there were times she was thinking about you, how much history you have, how much you truly care about her -- and she regretted it.

 

****This was the perfect time for NC. Immediate NC. Conversations about what you had to talk about. Nothing more. No feelings, no relationship talk. Just Mr. Cool talking to Miss. I-Broke-Up-With-Him- Now-What-Have-I-Done.****

 

You talked eventually. You shared together and she was missing that. That is why she got back together with you. Here is another mistake. You jumped right back in. You should have played it cool. Told her you wanted to see what happens. That when you wanted to move forward, you'd let her know. Then not talked about the relationship. HARD THING TO DO I KNOW. But it is the truth. You jumped in and she lost more respect for you. So she started questioning what she was feeling because part of her started wanting to move away again. She was feeling suffocated again but this time it was worse.

<YES. CHILDISH.>

 

So this time when she breaks it off you chased and bugged her when you, again - should have pulled all the way back immediately.

 

But now you were lost and feel she is a life preserver - you were deperately trying to cling to her, remind her of how much you care about her, get questions answered that she doesn't even want to deal with or hear let alone talk about. She feels angry that when she is away from you she thinks about you, remembers good things, and feels guilty for how she is hurting you -- she knows you are a good guy. But then the second you get a chance to talk to her she feels clung to, suffocated, guilt ridden, and like she just wants to RUN.

She wishes you would just stand up to her and not let her treat you that way. She is losing respect for you each time you have a conversation.

<YES. CHILDISH.>

 

She wants you to love her and be devoted to her. Not anyone else. She wants to back away and play around while she figures out what she wants - she wants you to remain devoted and wait for her to figure it out. Even though she said she wants you both to date other people. THAT is why she got mad. Her ego got hurt -

<YES. SELFISH.>

 

She also wishes she could be with the you before you lost yourself so she wishes you'd be that guy she respected. A strong man who is his own person first.

 

She left the bag as an excuse. She called about the bill THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN TAKEN CARE OF to have an excuse. She is wavering again - thinking about the good things about you, etc.

 

The NC is working on her. It is what you hoped would happen.

 

BUT -- Be Careful What You Wish For.

 

She is primed to be manipulative and self-absorbed. She is only thinking about herself. She is childish and immature. She is selfish and to her, your relationship is not a two way street. She wants you at her disposal - but then she also wants you to stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated this way. She wants to hear your feelings (and will even try to get you to gush eventually by leading in with her own feelings if she has to) and at the same time, because of how you are expressing yourself and you lose more of her respect by giving in to her - it makes her feel like running away.

 

She is a very confused girl. She is not ready to be in a relationship that is mutually respectful and healthy.

 

I'm betting she slept with that guy and thought he'd adore her just like you do. ---- HE DIDN'T.

So it showed her you aren't easily replaced. She knows that you are valuable because of that. That is why she is lurking to possibly come back.

 

I do not think you have it in you to deal with her (you did before but you haven't found that guy you used to be AND NEED to be, for yourself and anyone you are with yet) - she is going to flip out at the drop of a hat. Each time it will get worse and worse.

 

She feels things momentarily and goes with it. One minute it is you - the next minute it is not.

 

I feel your pain but I'd consider myself lucky if I were you - realize that she is freaked out with life and no matter who gets into a relationship with her - they are done for. The guys that ARE secure, well, when she starts her crap, that is a BIG RED FLAG to them, they'll bail.

 

She has a lot to figure out and she is not going to do it until she is alone for a while and grows up.

 

 

This describes what my ex is/was trying to do to me.

 

Excellent observation!

[mutts]

Thankyou:

 

That is hands down, the best summary Ive gotten so far. A lot of what you've said makes so much sense.

 

Im not sure she's wavering again quite yet, but I guess there is hope that she will if I keep up the NC.

 

Is there any advice you can give me in terms of how I procede from here?

 

Thanks in advance.

[Island Girl]

Read the end of my post again. It is about who she is right now.

 

Do you LOVE that?

Most people involved with a relationship are more in love with the IDEA and DREAM of the relationship than what the actual relationship is.

 

Ask yourself, do you want to be involved in a realtionship where:

 

you CAN NOT relax.

You CAN NOT be honest.

You HAVE TO constantly examine how the other person is acting and ACT accordingly -- like an actor in a movie you have to become and BE someone else that is against your nature.

Like a game of chess you have to make moves and anticipate the other persons moves to stay in a winning position.

This game is endless - there is no eventual winner.

 

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO BE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP?

 

I don't think so. It can never and be what it was or what you thought it was.

 

It will be a different relationship that is completely unsatisfying and unreal.

 

DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS?

 

I await your reply.

[michelleryan]

Hi:

I was with my ex for 3 years, and up until recently I never expected that to change.

Sure we'd argue here and there, ussually about stupid petty things, but we were very similar in personality, and could entertain each other and interest each other in ways I've never experienced even with my closest friends.

However, a month ago she broke it off, saying that I have changed recently and am no longer the guy she fell in love with.

I feel I need to explain that earlier in the year she fell pregnant and due to our circumstances we decided to have an abortion. Undfortunatly it wasn't that simple and 2 weeks later she misscaried what the doctors called retained product, which in all honesty was half a baby.

As I'm sure you can appreciate this messed us up and she pushed me away and we took a break. After a few weeks we got back together and things were great until I became a little possesive and started to get a little funny about her going out with one particular friend. (this is not the guy I am or want to be). think as a result to the abortion/misscaraige.

So she called it off saying that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and she wanted her freedom and have no one else to consider.

I embraced this until we bumped into each other on a night out and had a blazing row. She ended up coming round to my place at 4 am and staying over. We had a whirlwind week together and it really looked like we were getting back together, she told me I was being the way I was when we first met and this was the person she was in love with. until all of a sudden again she said no, I dont want this. A complete U-turn, one minute we're disscusing how to move forward and to what extent, then nothing.

Since then I haven't played it too cool, I guess I've bugged her and hounded her, (all of which I know will drive her away) I just cant seem to help myself when I'm around her, I feel like I cant be without her and I know it's pissing her off that we keep having the same conversation.

Today we had to meet up in order to sort out past bills and to collect our respective things from each others houses, and she was very cold and mean to me. I tried hard to nice and leave her on a high after seeing me, but she made it immposible.

She's told me she no longer loves me and that she doesn't think we'll ever get back together, but this wan't what she was saying last week!

My head is a mess.

She told me she thinks I should see other people, yet when she heard I went out on a date she withdrew and has been off with me since then.

Why does she get mad if she doesn't love me?

I know I'm rambling but I guess I want to know how I can get her to feel for me again and whether people think that if you break up with someone, no matter what circumstances there will come a time when you look back at it and wonder if you made the right decision.

I mean there was never any infidelity and I guess I've always thought that there was nothing between us that couldn't be fixed.

I'm going to enforce some real time apart but does absence really make the heart grow fonder??

Will she want me back?

I promise you that she still holds you in her heart, but at what capacity, only she knows. After being with someone for so long, they become familiar and even if you don't want to be with them, you still love them. It sounds like she actually wants to be seperated though. Maybe just give her some time and space and casually contact her later.

[mutts]

Island girl:

 

you know what, as dumb as it sounds I think I do. I spose im living in dream land, but I guess that if we spend a significant time apart we will both be in different places and then maybe our relationship will be different. For better or worse Im willing to find out. It seems strange to me, because here is a girl that was bessoted with me for so long, I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that she has no love left for me.

 

Thats why I want to know how to procede. I know I need to show her that Im the guy she fell in love with (when Im that guy again) but if we dont speak or see each other how do I do that?