Big problem?

[HeyU]

My fiancée (before I met her) was dating this guy sporadically for the past few years. When she and I finally met, she ditched him -- she even told him about me, and said their dating days were over. Fast-forward to December of 2005. We're engaged and I had just moved into her apartment.

 

I was feeling real ill that day, so I came home early from work to get some rest. I decided to check my e-mail first, so I decided to turn on the computer. While checking my e-mail the phone rang; it was the guy she supposedly ditched a LONG time ago when we first started dating. The guy on the other end seemed perplexed by my answering the phone. When I announced who I was (i.e. her fiancée) he said, "I didn't know she was engaged, let alone with anyone." Red flags were starting to go off at that point.

 

I wasn't shy... so I asked him what business he had bothering us. Well... he claimed that he saw my fiancée in September (which was just a month or so before I moved in with her) and he was checking up on her since he hadn't in a few months.

 

I waited for my fiancée to come home... when I confronted her about the phone call, she swore up and down that she wasn't seeing him. In fact, she went crazy on me for a short time. I had to ask.. I think anyone in that position would have. I mean, I engaged her in November of '05, so yeah -- I was nervous and very concerned.

 

Our intimate relations suffered because of that incident too.

 

Sometime in late December of '05, strange things started happening. We started receiving dead phone calls, but thanks to caller ID, I knew it was him calling. I decided to call him back, but I decided to do it from a family member's house phone (I didn't want to give him the impression that she was calling him). This was my parent's house just to let everyone know.

 

Later that evening, I received a call from my parents. Apparently his phone had caller ID too; he called my parent's house later that evening thinking it was my fiancée trying to contact him from a different phone number. He spoke to my mother on the phone for a good hour, and claimed that he saw my fiancée in early-to-late September.

 

Well... the dead calls continued at the apartment.The phone would wake me up every morning at almost the same time. The phone calls were so frequent, my fiancée decided to get the police involved; she even filed a harassment report against him. I'm not sure why... I figured it was as simple as her telling him to 'get lost', but whatever -- I digress.

 

For the record, my fiancée (before she met me) found this guy online through the Yahoo Personals. Their relationship was purely sexual, so you can imagine the type of relationship they had (if any; they dated on and off for a few years). My fiancée and I are still together today, but even now I am feeling a bit 'mixed up' about her loyalty. I don't feel like I used to, but even now -- even after all the discussions we had about that incident -- I could never get any real answers from her. She later fessed up and admitted to having dinner with him in September, but she said it was unexpected. She also said nothing sexual happened. According to my fiancée, she told this guy (over dinner in September) that she was seeing me steadily, and was considering marriage too.

 

My question is: if she did tell him about me, then why did he call her place in December?

 

Whatever... if you're in a serious relationship with someone -- and if you're in the process if discussing marriage (don't forget; I engaged her in November of that year before all this happened)-- don't you think that going to dinner with someone like him -- especially since the relationship was physical -- a stupid thing to do on her part? It caused so much stress and heartache, it really messed me up for the longest time.

 

My fiancée and I have worked things out since then, but that doesn't mean that a small part of me is still having issues. I really want answers to what happened! I think I deserve to know that much... at least I think I do.

[HeyU]

I just wanted to add that she played the, "I can't believe you don't trust me' card. Hell, what was I suppose to think? lol Even today she uses it against me.

[a4a]

The guy could be a male kitchen chicken...... or would that be garage rooster?

 

Nothing better to do but to mess with people. If she got a police report most likely she really does not want anything to do with him.

 

And what kind of guy would talk to YOUR parents for an hour about your fiance? A weirdo for sure.

 

Male busy bodies do exist.

 

I have dealt with both male and female cretins like this..... I don't think your F is lying to you..... these kind of people do exist.

[superconductor]

IMHO this is less about the other fellow than it is about her using the "you dont trust me" manipulation, especially given the fact that she continues to drag that out of storage.

 

HeyU, you'd better man up and put a stop to that immediately. It's a passive-aggressive trick, a manipulative tactic to deflect a rational and reasonable question.

 

Like a4a, I don't believe she is trying to pull the wool over your eyes either, but it's clear that she's avoiding the core of the issue. And if you let her get away with it, it will get worse.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with her, but I am suggesting that when she dusts off these passive-aggressive techniques, call her on it immediately.

[blessing2006]

hi.

 

what exactly do you want her to tell you?

 

What what you said, she lied the first time when she said she didn't see him in semptember.

 

Since the guy kept calling, they must have had a drawn out relationship.

 

Now you know. What do you want?

 

Are you afraid you may not be able to trust her again? Or do you want the relationship but first, want her to admit that there was something bigger?

 

She played an open card on you. She called in the police to let you know it was over with the other guy.

 

Now it's up to you to decide if she's serious about it being over.

 

Talk this out calmly with her.

 

You want the relationship to continue, right?

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

You still want her to confess the whole story?

 

Tell her you already know what happened that all you need is a commitment that it won't happen again.

 

If she's convinced you won't lose your head, she just might admit it.

 

In any case, if you still want the relationship, demand a commitment that it's over between her and every other man.

[HeyU]

IMHO this is less about the other fellow than it is about her using the "you dont trust me" manipulation, especially given the fact that she continues to drag that out of storage.

 

HeyU, you'd better man up and put a stop to that immediately. It's a passive-aggressive trick, a manipulative tactic to deflect a rational and reasonable question.

 

Like a4a, I don't believe she is trying to pull the wool over your eyes either, but it's clear that she's avoiding the core of the issue. And if you let her get away with it, it will get worse.

 

I'm not suggesting that you break up with her, but I am suggesting that when she dusts off these passive-aggressive techniques, call her on it immediately.

 

She will randomly say things like, "I know you're the only one for me and I would never do anything to jeapordize this." It's random stuff like this that bothers me the most.

 

I have demanded her to commit to me in the past, and she has -- but it is the random nature of her words that bother me the most.

[HeyU]

hi.

 

what exactly do you want her to tell you?

 

What what you said, she lied the first time when she said she didn't see him in semptember.

 

Since the guy kept calling, they must have had a drawn out relationship.

 

Now you know. What do you want?

 

Are you afraid you may not be able to trust her again? Or do you want the relationship but first, want her to admit that there was something bigger?

 

She played an open card on you. She called in the police to let you know it was over with the other guy.

 

Now it's up to you to decide if she's serious about it being over.

 

Talk this out calmly with her.

 

You want the relationship to continue, right?

 

Give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

You still want her to confess the whole story?

 

Tell her you already know what happened that all you need is a commitment that it won't happen again.

 

If she's convinced you won't lose your head, she just might admit it.

 

In any case, if you still want the relationship, demand a commitment that it's over between her and every other man.

 

I want her to admit the truth so no doubt exists. I think she owes me that much, especially after accepting my engagement ring 2 months after the fact.

 

I am worried that I will never trust her again, yes -- I am also mature enough to gcontinue on with this IF her commitment is true. However, there are days when it feels like she says things to say them, like she is telling me what I want to hear. I am quick to point this out to her, but she gets really upset.

 

I have demanded a comittment, and she has given it to me in more than one ocnversation, but its those random comments (read above) that make no sense. The open card thing is dead on... I believe she used the Police as a tangible way of trying to put my mind at ease.

[a4a]

who do you trust more this guy that calls and hangs up or your gf?

 

sheesh .......

 

Lemme tell ya a little story about weirdos that like to start crap because they are jealous or pissed because an X has moved on.

 

This has happened in my own M. From both sides and even a x friend of my H's that was pissed because he was not invited to our wedding...... the crap that comes out of their mouths.....

 

I even have a coworker that messes with people similar to what this guy has.... calls an X tells her current bf BS.

 

Why? I guess in some way they still feel like they are part of that persons life or have influence in that persons life........they feel important.

[HeyU]

I 'm still with her so that has to speak for something... and yes, I think the other guy is a creep.

 

I just feel that there is more to the story than she is letting on. Especially when you consider how she drops random passive-aggressive cards my way in conversations where such things have no place. Just when I get comfortable with everything, she drops another one of those cards from her closet (as SuperConductor stated).

 

who do you trust more this guy that calls and hangs up or your gf?

 

sheesh .......

 

Lemme tell ya a little story about weirdos that like to start crap because they are jealous or pissed because an X has moved on.

 

This has happened in my own M. From both sides and even a x friend of my H's that was pissed because he was not invited to our wedding...... the crap that comes out of their mouths.....

 

I even have a coworker that messes with people similar to what this guy has.... calls an X tells her current bf BS.

 

Why? I guess in some way they still feel like they are part of that persons life or have influence in that persons life........they feel important.

[a4a]

I want her to admit the truth so no doubt exists. I think she owes me that much, especially after accepting my engagement ring 2 months after the fact.

 

I am worried that I will never trust her again, yes -- I am also mature enough to gcontinue on with this IF her commitment is true. However, there are days when it feels like she says things to say them, like she is telling me what I want to hear. I am quick to point this out to her, but she gets really upset.

 

I have demanded a comittment, and she has given it to me in more than one ocnversation, but its those random comments (read above) that make no sense. The open card thing is dead on... I believe she used the Police as a tangible way of trying to put my mind at ease.

 

I think you are paranoid and eventually she is going to get sick of trying to convince you that she is not up to no good.

 

I would certainly not get married anytime soon.

[HeyU]

I think you are paranoid and eventually she is going to get sick of trying to convince you that she is not up to no good.

 

I would certainly not get married anytime soon.

 

I appreciate your opinion, but I don't consider myself paranoid. She throws a fit when I discuss delaying the wedding... so you tell me.

 

BTW: Read my previous posts.. she's the one who randomly makes comments to convince me... I don't bring it up in our current conversations and I certainly don't give her any reason to feel that way either. I am not the one who brings it up.... If anyone is growing tired of it, it's me.

[HeyU]

a4a,

 

I posted my concerns here for some genaral advice and opinions. She is contantly trying to convince me that everything is fine, and 99% of the time I never say anything to provoke such a response. I just want her to 'stop' so we can move on together. Yes, there is a small part of me that wonders, but everyone in this situation does -- it's not being paranoid, it's being cautious. It's not like I parade around the house and treat her like dirt; to the contray, I still treat her as good as the day I first met her.

 

It's not like I watch over her shoulder, and I do everything I can to avoid discussing the incident from last year, yet she still brings it up on occassion. And to make matters worse, she goes into a speel about 'how she'd never do anything to jeapordize us.", all in the same breath. It's screwing with my mind...

[JackJack]

"She is constantly trying to convince me that everything is fine."

 

 

Perhaps she is constantly trying because her feelings/words are genuine. She wants you to believe her because what she says is true. OR maybe all this trying to convince you is a cover up for whats really going on. Who knows for sure, but her.

 

"I do everything I can to avoid discussing the incident from last year, yet she still brings it up on occassion."

 

Maybe shes not completely found closure with it.

[a4a]

well if you feel like she is not telling you the truth it is surely coming out in more than verbal ways to her..... facial expressions, conversation about others????

 

Why don't you just ask her one last time and then let it go.

 

If the guy is still calling have her tell him directly in front of you to stop upsetting your household.

 

I did deal with something very similar with my H..... stalker X of his.... and the stupid idiot has showed up again.... but my H has nothing to do with it. She is a freakola. Not to mention his meddling "friends"......kitchen chickens with nothing better to do but to feed the fire in some weird ass soap opera fashion.

 

No normal person would talk to YOUR PARENTS for an hour about YOUR relationship. This Yahoo X is a nut job........ so talk to your gf about how to eliminate him from your R totally.

[HeyU]

well if you feel like she is not telling you the truth it is surely coming out in more than verbal ways to her..... facial expressions, conversation about others????

 

Why don't you just ask her one last time and then let it go.

 

If the guy is still calling have her tell him directly in front of you to stop upsetting your household.

 

I did deal with something very similar with my H..... stalker X of his.... and the stupid idiot has showed up again.... but my H has nothing to do with it. She is a freakola. Not to mention his meddling "friends"......kitchen chickens with nothing better to do but to feed the fire in some weird ass soap opera fashion.

 

No normal person would talk to YOUR PARENTS for an hour about YOUR relationship. This Yahoo X is a nut job........ so talk to your gf about how to eliminate him from your R totally.

 

Yes.. I am seeing physical signs too. She acts in a very strange way around me somedays. It's hard to place it into words, but it's something that feels out of place in our household environment.

 

Her work schedule can be very erratic and on days she has extra work, I never see a real increase in her checks. On certain days she asks uneasy or distant or it seems like she is elsewhere if you know what I mean. And on those days she brings everything up.... and I can't figure it our.

 

We've relocated since December '05, so we have a new address, live in a new town, and our phone number has changed, so seeing that she still brings it up on occasion bothers me. I love her... I know I want to marry her (that's a fact), I just want to get to the bottom of this.

[Bryanp]

I would be a little concerned about marrying a girl who who goes online to get involved in a purely sexual relationship and then did not tell you the truth about meeting the guy again for dinner. Something does not smell right here.

[a4a]

well can you sit her down and explain to her that you are having issues about trusting her.......maybe she would be willing to help you deal with it by checking in with you during the day or something to ease yur until you can learn to trust her?

 

If your issues are not founded but she cares about you enough she should be willing to help you with learning to trust her.

 

Be frank about it with her.

[HeyU]

a4a,

 

I don't believe I am giving off any physical impressions that would make her feel otherwise.

[a4a]

Your main concern is because she keeps saying she would never do anything to hurt you (ISMW)......

 

out of the blue.......

 

you are asking if she is showing signs of cheating now? or if she feels guilty about maybe lying to you about Yahoo man?

 

BryanP

I have had casual relationships with men...... did not meet online but that does not mean that I would cheat in my current R.

 

Has nothing to do with the other....... dating without commitment is not that unusual.

 

"I know you're the only one for me and I would never do anything to jeapordize this." It's random stuff like this that bothers me the most.

 

but you tell her you want to delay the wedding too..... so you are sending out the " I don't trust you vibe" to her.

[HeyU]

Your main concern is because she keeps saying she would never do anything to hurt you (ISMW)......

 

out of the blue.......

 

you are asking if she is showing signs of cheating now? or if she feels guilty about maybe lying to you about Yahoo man?

 

BryanP

I have had casual relationships with men...... did not meet online but that does not mean that I would cheat in my current R.

 

Has nothing to do with the other....... dating without commitment is not that unusual.

 

 

 

but you tell her you want to delay the wedding too..... so you are sending out the " I don't trust you vibe" to her.

 

My main concern is her random comments, yes..

 

 

She gave me her commitment the day we started dating seriously, so the causal dating thing should have ended (obviously).

[blessing2006]

hi, HeyU.

 

I suspect your contenance and the way you avoid discussing the probleming gives her the impression that you still don't trust her.

 

Here's my approach to these issues and it works well for me.

 

I believe everything you say unless there's concrete evidence to the contrary. That frees my heart of worries.

 

Since she keeps insisting it's over, believe it's over.

 

About those random comments she makes.

 

Those unsolicited comments indicates she's worried.

 

Another to look at it is to say she's pretending. But if you have an open mind like me, you will conclude she's worried and disturbed.

 

How do you get her to stop worrying?

 

Don't dodge the subject again. Just discuss it once and for all and get it over with.

 

If you're convinced she's pretending, why continue the relationship?

 

Give her another chance.

[Spectre]

I think you are paranoid and eventually she is going to get sick of trying to convince you that she is not up to no good.

 

 

Yes, his gf lies about seeing an ex f*ck buddy who she swore was out of her life, and who claimed to have no knowledge of their engagement. Yup, he should not be paranoid in the least bit.

 

He has every right to question this chick, and to postpone this wedding. She has absolutely no reason to be having dinner with this man, bottom line. Unless there was a natural disaster that trapped the two of the in a restaurant, it just should not occur. Girls need to stop thinking its ok to have these little dinners with their ex, then play the trust card when they lie about it.

 

Really, you need to be stern with your gf: tell her you have trust issues cuz she LIED. Tell her it wasnt ok for her to have dinner with this guy, and if a similar situation happens again(even with another guy) she needs to be dropped quickly. Girls just dont accidnetly have dinner with f*ck buddies they met on the internet, sorry. I believe something is up, and I would never marry anyone I had doubts about.

 

Plus it is strange she has to randomly re-assure him of her loyalty. Kinda how sometimes a person will accuse someone of cheating simply because theyre doing it and are paranoid. I mean, why shouldnt she have the impression he doesnt trust her? Thats kinda what happens when you lie, especially about ex f*ck buddies, im still curious about how she "unexpectedly" had dinner with this man.

[JadeStar]

Plus it is strange she has to randomly re-assure him of her loyalty.

 

 

I agree with this. I don't put alot of stock in someone who always feels the need to re-assure someone that they are not doing anything wrong. Sometimes when a person continues to try to convince another of something it can usually mean they have something to hide. Its one thing to re-assure soemone of something a time or two, but to overly do it, might be an indication something is amiss. JMO.

 

 

Jade

[SueBee3490]

BryanP

I have had casual relationships with men...... did not meet online but that does not mean that I would cheat in my current R.

 

Has nothing to do with the other....... dating without commitment is not that unusual.

 

I think what Bryan says is right on. But once you're in a "committed" relationship (they were engaged) then you don't meet up with old screwing buddies anymore. That chapter of your life should be closed.

 

No dating without commitment is not unusual - but she is in an exclusive relationship now. He has every right to be cautious and not trust her. I also would not want my H to be meeting with old "friends" in which it was purely sex because what else do they have to talk about or do??

 

Just a thought.

[HeyU]

Thats kinda what happens when you lie, especially about ex f*ck buddies, im still curious about how she "unexpectedly" had dinner with this man.

 

She claims he unexpectedly showed up at her old job back in September and they went to dinner; she said it 'just happened' (i.e. the dinner) but nothing happened if you know what I mean. What I find curious about her story -- and I will say it now -- she claims that she told this 'guy' that she and I were together exclusively, and that she didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. What bothers me is: why did it take going to dinner to tell him? Why didn't she flat out tell him and refuse his dinner proposal? Get my drift? Something doesn't jive...

 

Thing is, I have an idea of what day this happened, because she didn’t come home until after 1am in the morning (and she left work at 10pm that evening).

 

When I finally caught her that evening, she said she went to Wal-Mart. Now, I am not implying anything, but if she did say something to the Yahoo guy, then why did he call in December? There's the possibility that he was just trying to cause trouble (who knows, maybe he was hoping that I was out of the picture) or the guy really, truly didn't know.

 

I know this sounds strange, but I had a friend contact her ex 'Yahoo' friend on Yahoo Messenger. Of course, my buddy added him to his list and spoke to the guy for a week (i.e. pretending to have the same interests; whatever that may be -- until he could find some 'in' to get him to talk about it) and eventually he did. Since my fiancée had called the police on Yahoo man, my buddy fabricated some scenario about his GF calling the cops on him. After about an hour of conversation, my buddy asked Yahoo guy if he had any similar experiences. He finally mentioned his experience with my fiancée, because he mentioned the harassment report my fiancée filed against him.

 

I have the entire conversation saved from my buddy's Yahoo conversation, and what I read was a bit disturbing. I can’t say I'd trust this guy as far as I could throw him, but he claimed he didn't know about me. He also said he walks around with guilt because he had no idea whatsoever. He felt used, and he even mentioned the conversation he and I had on the phone back in December. He said (and I quote), "I feel really bad for her fiancée... he wanted to know the 'real' side of his fiancée when we spoke." He went on to say that she (my fiancée) used the Police to cover up what she was really doing.

 

He also explained the September incident and claimed they had 'one hot date' after dinner, but my fiancée claims otherwise. I am not implying anything, but she came home after 1am that evening... so who knows at this point.