Big problem?

[HeyU]

I just wanted to add that situations like this one are the worst thing that could possibly happen to a person. It takes you by the throat, and it squeezes you hard. Everything you once experienced: the trust, the comfort -- it takes it all and sends it crashing down.

 

Your perception of everything changes... the good times we had, and all the things she used to tell me no longer seem true... it feels like a fabrication or a fantasy of some kind. It's like none of it every counted, and that hurts the most. It's like a whirlwind sweeps your world away, and the emotions that follow -- It took everything I could muster to hold it together as I dealt with more emotions than I ever thought could be possible in a human being. It's a horrible feeling to wonder if the person you truly love is telling you the truth, even if they're saying a simple, 'I love you'.

I really want to trust her, I really truly do -- I wish this story could have a happy ending, and there is a part of me that is praying deeply that it doesn't happen again.

 

We've spent the past few days talking about this, and when I demanded her commitment, she held up her hand where her engagement ring is, and said, "I am committed to you... this ring is also my commitment to you."

 

It's 'that' feeling that gets to me the most. It's hard to explain, but its more of an inside feeling and not necessarily my thoughts. It's not something that I have to entertain mentally; it’s something that happens to be there, and the more I try to fight that feeling, the worst it gets.

 

I dunno'... she still claims that nothing sexual happened, and she said she is going to do everything she can to help me rebuild my trust in her. I hope she is being true in her words to me...

[Bryanp]

I don't know but this whole story sounds really disturbing. I think there is a good chance she is trying to cover her behind. The feeling you are experiencing is your gut feeling. Most people will tell you that the gut feeling is generally right almost all off the time.

 

I would suggest to you that you set up a polygraph test. An attorney will be able to help you. It will cost you about 500 dollars. I know people will say it is not a 100 percent correct but unless you are a psychopath it will give you a good indication whether or not the individual is hiding something from you. She may get mad at the suggestion but if she says sure then she is probably innocent. My guess is that she will probably do everything not to have it done. When people have nothing to hide they do not fear telling the truth. Something does not smell right here. I wish you luck.

[HeyU]

I don't know but this whole story sounds really disturbing. I think there is a good chance she is trying to cover her behind. The feeling you are experiencing is your gut feeling. Most people will tell you that the gut feeling is generally right almost all off the time.

 

The question is: where do you draw the line? She seems very convincing when she claims nothing happened, but I am sure there are people here in similar situations (or have been in similar situations) where their BF /GF / Spouse seemed very genuine and honest, but really wasn't. She is doing what she can (she says) to rebuild my trust and help me over this.

 

Strangely enough, none of this was an issue until very recently when she started saying those random things about never cheating, etc. She made me think, and yes -- it has made me feel cautious too. I had asked her about those so-called random reassuring comments, and her answer to me was: "I say those things because I feel you need to hear it."

 

As for the lie detector suggestion: it may seem a bit extreme, but I will check into it first before mentioning anything to her.

[HeyU]

I would like to thank eveyone who posted for giving me their advice. A resolve hasn't been reached on my end, but I pray everyday it does happen.

 

I'll post again if anything changes (if anyone still cares to know).

[HeyU]

Everything boiled to a head this evening and we had an enormous fight. I caught her in quite a few lies, and when I pointed them out to her, she still denied everything. Not only that, but she tried to make the comversation about me, but I handled it real quickly.

 

She claimed that she and Yahoo guy never had contact after dinner, but guess what? I was able to aquire the phone records (both from her calling card and the old phone from our old place) so I had proof she was talking to him up until early-to-mid November of 2005, right before she called the cops on him.

 

She was trying to convince me that she was calling him as a friend; I couldn't help but laugh at her. I looked her straight in the eyes (like I always do) and said, "You lied to me.... you told me you had aboslutely no contact with this man, and now you're telling me you did."

 

To make matters worse, she tried playing dumb about it. She said (and I quote) "I don't remember calling him those other times, but since you have proof I guess I did."

 

My first reaction was, "wtf?"

 

She swears that she doesn't recall having those conversations with him, but I have everything in black & white, so... lol

 

I tried to leave the house but she stood in the doorway and refused to move; I just wanted to leave and get away from everything so I could clear my head.

 

During the argument, she kept saying, " I just want to put this behind us so we can move on together in this relationship." (Sigh)

 

This is really screwed up....

[Bryanp]

Get her to take the polygraph. Everything points to the fact that she continues to lie to you and is covering up her actions. Why would she be acting like this if something did not happen? If she refuses to be honest with you then what is the point?

[HeyU]

Does anyone have any advice on how to get to the bottom of this?

 

Bryan, I checked into the lie detector option and so far the prices have been astronomical. This would be one way to get my answers, but so far my budget (based on the prices quoted so far) isn’t allowing it.

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I realize the costs are high but they do vary. If this does not work then it is time for another option. Tell her that you are indeed planning to set up a polygraph at the end of the month that should resolve everything once and for all. What you need to do is judge her reaction. Many times I have read when the cheating spouse realizes that they cannot avoid taking the test then they will confess a day or two before it is scheduled. Many times the cheating spouse will say absolutely not. If she says fine I look forward to it then the chances are pretty good that what she has been telling you is correct. Lets see how she responds. A person who has nothing to hide should feel very confident and non threatened. Again I think her reaction should tell you a great deal. I wish you luck.

[HeyU]

Hello again,

 

I realize the costs are high but they do vary. If this does not work then it is time for another option. Tell her that you are indeed planning to set up a polygraph at the end of the month that should resolve everything once and for all. What you need to do is judge her reaction. Many times I have read when the cheating spouse realizes that they cannot avoid taking the test then they will confess a day or two before it is scheduled. Many times the cheating spouse will say absolutely not. If she says fine I look forward to it then the chances are pretty good that what she has been telling you is correct. Lets see how she responds. A person who has nothing to hide should feel very confident and non threatened. Again I think her reaction should tell you a great deal. I wish you luck.

 

Thank you for the advice. I'll mention the polygraph to her today when she returns home from work. I am really hoping that she doesn't resist the idea because that will -- as you say -- indicate that something is wrong.

[littlekitty]

Although I can see your points Bryan (and I don't think HeyU's gf is behaving), I'd be pretty put out by the request to do a polygraph.... I'm not up for murder!!

 

I can see why you'd say a no from her is an indication of guilt, and in her case it may well be, but I'd be offended none the less by the simple request.

 

When we start bringing polygraphs in as a way of helping relationships, haven't things already gone too far?

[a4a]

Just dump her already........ even if she passed the poly you still would never trust her. Think about it...... she still went to dinner with him even if she did not have sex with him. Just dump her.

 

Unreal that you would still consider marriage with her.

[Marcus as the Peanut]

Have thought about insatling keylogger,or some spyware to read her emails???

[HeyU]

Have thought about insatling keylogger,or some spyware to read her emails???

 

This idea has been mentioned by family and friends alike, but doesn't it seem too extreme at this point? If I have to resort to such methods than you can basically say the relationship is over. After reading the responses from the people who frequent here, it sounds like everyone thinks I am nuts for even staying with her. I'm sure the people her will most likely agree that when you love some, it is really hard just to 'walk away'. In either case, I have to also consider myself and any ramifications that may or may not evolve from her, and how these things will effect me if they ever did (God forbid) happen again.

[HeyU]

Just dump her already........ even if she passed the poly you still would never trust her. Think about it...... she still went to dinner with him even if she did not have sex with him. Just dump her.

 

Unreal that you would still consider marriage with her.

 

You're right, A4A -- she still went to dinner with this man, so her creditability is shot. Even if nothing sexual happened, it could be a prelude to something much worse later.

 

Why is it unreal to love someone and to want things to work out? I came here because I wasn't sure if the things I had experienced with her recently were me or actually her.

[Spectre]

Think of it this way, is it even worth key loggers and polygraphs? I mean, doesnt that tell you that this girl just isnt wifey material? She constantly lies to you, you need to drop this chick.

 

Its not unreal to love her and want things to work out, but its unreal to still at this point think they can. She has cheated on you before and now has lied to you about an ex. Not only that, but since then shes lied even more about him.

 

People think its unreal you still wanna marry her because well, it is. You might love her, but realize she is not returning the feeling, and is not acting like she loves you. She cheated on you before. Yeah, sure, it was emotionally, but so? That is still cheating, and its with a guy she'll regularly see.

 

She goes and gets herself into a similar situation(lying, etc.) and low and behold, its with another man she'll have to see often. This combined with the obvious trust issues? If at this point you still wanna marry her then something is wrong, it seems like you're settling. It sounds like she doesnt respect you very much, go out and find a girl who will love you and respect you and not be shady to you.

 

Word of advice, dont let her tears fool you, if you dump her she'll cry and cry, just think that she wasnt cryin when she was having dinner with this dude or emotionally cheating on you, and again I wanna say: You have no reason to believe when she cheated it was only emotional.