Reverse Abuse

[Guest]

I’m a 26 year old male with a 30 year old girl and we live together for the past 3 years. We are on a constant rollercoaster ride and I am finally trying to reach out and seek other people’s advice. This is really hard to confront and deal with because I am a male, but I do believe I am being abused emotionally and sometimes physically.

 

Of course the whole story needs to be on the table. I am not the most honest person, I can admit that, but I have been trying to change and I’ve actually changed a lot. But it all started when I was seen looking at other women. She confronted me, I worked on it and it’s progressively gotten better/worse. I don’t check out women anymore, but on her end it’s gotten worse because I have to bow my head when walking and traveling not looking at any female. If I did, she may abuse me emotionally and or hit me in many ways. She calls the women thing, “disrespectful,” which it is, I see that and I am trying to correct the issue. She wants instant results, but my head has to been looking at my feet. I feel like a dog being punished.

 

Also, I lie. I lie for fear of being in trouble especially with her cause I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So she’s caught me in a few big ones. For instance, I quit smoking when I started dating her, then picked it up again about 8 months later from a stressful job and didn’t tell her. Well she found out and she’s held that over my head. I’ve lied to her about looking at a woman at Starbucks then later on admitted that I did. But I’ve never cheated on her and never had any intentions of that ever, because she’s a great person that makes me want to be better and I wouldn’t want to lose that.

 

But now she puts me down all the time and makes me feel really bad about myself when I feel I am making progress because I just piss her off. She tells me that “the door is wide open…leave” all the time, which hurts cause I feel she doesn’t care…and on top of that she tells me that she’ll help me pack and that she doesn’t care about me.

 

OK….so the problem. Is it me? Am I wrong? Am I to blame 100% for everything? Sure I know I messed up the trust between us royally, but is it my fault things just keep getting worse.

 

The big problem is that I live with her and give her my checks. Outright give it to her. And have been for the past 2 some odd years.

 

Anyway, I’m sure I can go on and on, but emotions are taking me over right now. So if you can please help.

Joe

[Guest]

My advice? Take her up on the packing offer. Moving's a big job!

 

Disrespectful? I'd feed her disrespect till it pours out her ears by the bucketful! Get your balls out of her purse and put them back in your shorts where they belong, and take off the short leash! You don't need this kind of crapola, from anyone!

[stargazer12]

She will always want to control you. The more she can, the more she will want to. She is a controlling women, you need to get away. She doesn't respect you or care about your feelings. Don't feel that she is better than you, or that you will never find someone else. If you need advise in a relationship, go, quickly.

[Craig]

Of course you're being abused. Google emotional abuse and financial abuse and have a look at the definitions.

 

Your life is turning into a great pile of dung and you don't see it because it's happening so slowly.

 

Guess what Joe? She looks at other guys. Guess what Joe? Men and women do this, it's just that women are more covert about it. Guess what Joe? It's natural and normal and shouldn't be threatening to anyone unless you're really gawking and being disrespectful to your partner.

 

She isn't a great person, she probably the sad result of abuse herself. She is broken and her chances of being fixed are about one in a thousand or less. My guess is that she hates (HATES) her mother and/or father too for the things they did to her when she was a child.

 

You can't fix her. No one can fix her.

 

It's time to move on.

 

PS - If you need to get some counseling on this matter you can likely call your local domestic violence center and make an appointment with an advocate or counselor. Everything you say to them is confidential and secret unless you say things like you are going to commit a crime. Trust me on this one...your eyes will be opened and you'll feel a whole lot better if you do go.

[HennyPenny]

Trust me - you will never be right. You will never do the right thing. You will never make her happy. This isn't because of YOU. This is because of her. You will never, ever make this woman happy. Period.

 

If you want to stick it out, be prepared for more misery. I went through this myself. I thought I could make him happy. I thought that if he wasn't happy, I was doing something wrong. This was from years of emotional manipulation on his part. I could do everything in my power to please him, but he would always find something to rage at me about.

 

I have no clue what makes some people this way. In my case looking back on it, I'd say it was more of an addiction to drama than anything else. You know what's great about my life now? I will NEVER suffer through this kind of BS again. Ever. Because I don't have to. Most people don't live this way. When I look back and realize all the crap I put up with, it seems ridiculous (though it seemed fairly normal at the time.)

 

She has somehow convinced you that she is always right and you are always wrong. I hope, for your sanity, that you'll be able to see through this and save yourself. I'm even going to go out on a limb here and say that you just need to cut yourself loose. No counseling, no therapy (unless it is for you and you alone.) You are both in such a cycle that you are both truly better off apart.

[lindya]

Of course the whole story needs to be on the table. I am not the most honest person, I can admit that, but I have been trying to change and I’ve actually changed a lot.

 

You've mentioned past lack of honesty there. Has that manifested itself in small ways, or is there a bigger problem that your girlfriend is aware of? Does she know something about you that gives her some level of control over you?

 

But it all started when I was seen looking at other women. She confronted me, I worked on it and it’s progressively gotten better/worse. I don’t check out women anymore, but on her end it’s gotten worse because I have to bow my head when walking and traveling not looking at any female.

 

Most people will glance at an attractive person in passing. Is there not some kind of balance between the extremes of a) very blatantly checking out other women in front of your girl, and b) bowing your head like a particularly modest geisha as you pass attractive members of the opposite sex?

 

I feel like a dog being punished....Also, I lie. I lie for fear of being in trouble especially with her cause I don’t want to be hurt anymore. So she’s caught me in a few big ones....she found out and she’s held that over my head....she’s a great person that makes me want to be better and I wouldn’t want to lose that.

 

This sounds like a familiar script. For whatever reason, you seem to feel shame about certain aspects of yourself...and clearly she's tapped into this. Bully, control freak, abuser - whatever you want to call people like that, they thrive on targeting people who are insecure enough to "need" someone like them to dictate belief systems and life choices. If you're too open to listening to people like that, it can cause all sorts of confusion....particularly as the most dictatorial people are often the ones who are (underneath the veneer of arrogance) the most screwed up.

 

I really get this sense that you've disclosed a lot of your insecurities to your gf, and she's now taken it upon herself to "fix" you by controlling you.

 

But now she puts me down all the time and makes me feel really bad about myself when I feel I am making progress because I just piss her off. She tells me that “the door is wide open…leave” all the time, which hurts cause I feel she doesn’t care…and on top of that she tells me that she’ll help me pack and that she doesn’t care about me.

 

Yet you described her as a "great" person. Given all the negative examples you're providing us with, what is it that convinces you she's such a sterling example of humanity?

 

OK….so the problem. Is it me? Am I wrong? Am I to blame 100% for everything? Sure I know I messed up the trust between us royally, but is it my fault things just keep getting worse.

 

It's back to that lying/trust thing. If the only lies you've told are the ones you mentioned here (eg about not looking at other women, and about giving up smoking) is that really such a major deal? You seem to have this image of yourself as a somewhat shameful and dishonest person, and this relationship seems to be feeding that image. Is that a pattern in your life? What messages have you generally received about yourself from the significant people in your life (parents, authority figures etc)?

[Adunaphel]

She tells me that “the door is wide open…leave” all the time,

 

I don't think there are many people on this forum that could come up with better advice than this piece of advice yout gf gave you.

 

For instance, I quit smoking when I started dating her, then picked it up again about 8 months later from a stressful job and didn’t tell her. Well she found out and she’s held that over my head. I’ve lied to her about looking at a woman at Starbucks then later on admitted that I did.

 

If this is the extent of your lying, you shouldn't be lying, but be with a different woman, one you don't need to lie to about this sort of things.

 

OK….so the problem. Is it me? Am I wrong? Am I to blame 100% for everything? Sure I know I messed up the trust between us royally, but is it my fault things just keep getting worse.

 

Her problem is that she is controlling, abusive and has lost the touch with reality.

Your problem is that, not unlike most people who have put up with abusive behaviour for long enough, you are also losing touch with reality and starting to believe that it's your fault about everything.

 

Which is not.

 

Get out of this relationship asap, because it's not healthy.

[calalily]

I actually knew a guy who stayed with a woman who started off like this.

 

This is the key to situations like the one you described - started off.

 

It became so bad that she started to demean his sexual performance in public - mortifying the rest of us. He left, but he left after she had twisted him beyond all recognition as a person, and I personally don't want him to know where I live, because he is scary. Curious phenomenon with guys is that they can only take so much control, and then they seem to get as mean as a junkyard dog.

 

Research has also shown (along with the advent of more open lesbian relationships) that women abuse too - there is no shame in it .

 

My suggestion is to leave - as soon as possible - in a way she's almost testing your identity, like other abusers by suggesting it, and then seeing if you take it up, and if you don't, I believe she will get worse.