Medical reasons for low libido, let's hear them

[marriedwithtwo]

OK, I feel I need to add a few details here:

 

I am not upset at hearing the counter point of view to mine. I actually post here hoping to hear alternative point of views, that is why I come and want to share. What I do not like to read, or appreciate, are quick, random jabs basically telling me I suck, with no constructive conversation from the alternative point of view. James M's post was the alternative point of view, well presented, while other post were simply wasted space intended to inflame.

 

As far as me helping around the house as an issue: I do help around the house regularly including dishes, sharing with kids, etc. I only used that folding laundry as an example to illustrate. I won't go into the details, but when we talk seriously and she is directly asked, she tells me she is quite happy and doesn't feel like there are additional things she needs of me. I always strive to be better anyway such as bringing her flowers (twice this month).

 

As far as one week without sex? If we had sex one time every week, that would not be the end of the world of course. However my needs are more than that. Why is it that the one who wants more must always bow to the limits of the mate wanting less? I feel a compromise is fair assuming we both are comfortable with it. However right now it is mostly (not always) on her schedule. If I had great, creative sex once a week, with occasional things to give me sexual attention (just a look or grab even, not sex), that would be plenty. But the sexual attention is completely confined to that short interlude, and that is frustrating to me.

 

In addition, the trend is not going in my favor. When we were engaged, 5 times a week at least (2 years into relationshop), when we got married, 4 times a week, a few years in, no head, and 2-3 times a week. Now it seems to be 1-2 times a week (with bright weeks only after we have talked about it). Take out the 1 week when she is on her period, and that comes up to 3-4 times a month. Sure it could be much worse, but I don't compare myself to others, as each couple must work this out for themselves.

 

I am not at the end of my rope, or ready to leave. Far from it. I love my wife and 95% of my marriage is wonderful. HOWEVER that 5% item weighs heavily on my mind, and I want to make sure all aspects are considered. If (and this is very likely) there is no medical reason, then so be it. We work together with that. But as it stands now, I (and she) doesn't know that, so what does it hurt to find out?

 

Wanking my monkey does not give nearly the same relief as having the one you love touching and caressing you. I do that 2-3 times a month, but I have a feeling what I need is actually less the sexual relief, and more the feeling, experience and knowledge that she wants me. It's a basic human need to be wanted, in fact I would say the MOST basic need of all after food, water, etc.

[marriedwithtwo]

change your outlook, and you'll both be happier because the stress attached to those expectations won't be there.

 

Defenitely good advice. I wish I could get there, it would be much easier. I know that I spend too much time dwelling on this aspect, but it's almost like I can't stop thinking about the situation, and it makes things worse......

[Guest]

I fully agree with you dude. If you told her you only wanted to talk or cuddle 1/2 hour once or twice a week, you'd be labelled as cold or distant. If you only wanted to help with chores for that frequency, you'd be labelled lazy.

 

Some womens general attitudes towards sex blows my mind sometimes. I remember overhearing my mother talking about it when I was younger. I have overheard other women talk about it. My relationships have had issues. It's not just me, and it seems to be pretty widespread.

 

I've had conversations with women trying to figure it out. It's not a mind blowing secret. They just generally don't "feel" like it anywhere near as often as we do. When they do, it tends to be an emotional craving for reassurance that you find them attractive and desirable rather than a physical craving for the actual sex. While dating or starting off in a relationship, they do it more often to keep their boyfreinds happy and keep them from leaving. That doesn't mean they don't enjoy it once it's happening. Just like ice cream. They may enjoy it, but that doesn't mean they want to drive to Baskin-Robbins every night.

 

I think once the security of a long-term committed relationship takes hold, that incentive is lost. They feel more assertive and able to say no, and less inclined to do it just because you want to. Adding kids into the mixture really messes it up. Time for romance is reduced to the minimum when children are involved. Women will be inclined to compensate for the reduced personal time by having sex less often, while men will expect to cut back on everything else but.

 

It's all very reasonable, but that doesn't change the fact it leaves many men unhappy. That's why constant serial dating tends to net you the most sex. Women tend to find men like this abhorrent and label them womanizers, but they themselves unknowingly lay the groundwork for the design.

 

By the way, don't expect to change the way any of this is. Having less sex is a natural price you pay in exchange for starting a family. An accomplishment many men treasure highly, and the reason sex exists to begin with.

[marriedwithtwo]

secretly drop testosterone into her morning coffee, then she'll have the sex drive JUST LIKE YOU. In fact she'll be just like any guy, complete with the chest hair and shrunken tits.

 

I can't believe marriedwithtwo is crying about sex only TWICE A WEEK!! It's a CRISIS! Call the NATIONAL GUARD!

 

Marriedwithtwo seems to think his wife SHOULD HAVE HIS SEX DRIVE. If that's what he wants...then he really shouldn't be dealing with women-a man would suit him better.

 

And he has the selfish nerve to ask her to submit to invasive medical procedures just to satisfy HIM.

 

Yeah, echoing another poster, i bet you are a joy to live with. NOT.

 

I really hate your posts. I wish you could configure your criticism and point of view in a constructive manner. I say this because if your point of view were framed properly, I might actually want to read it and then understand your point of view better. This is what you want is for me to understand you and relate right? Or do you just want to attempt to make me look foolish, and try to upset me (which is what you try to do with EVERY post)?

 

But no, instead you come off as a bitter man hater, just waiting to pounce on any many here who posts about sex drive.

 

 

Read the text, this is only partly about level of sex, but more the amount of sexual attention (and general affection for that matter). What I can't fathom is how my wife, who tells me she loves me, and is attracted to me, wants to do nothing with me other than predictable sex every so often. A little hugging, but no touching in "special areas" even on top of the clothes, and even when it doesn't lead to sex.

[stoopid_guy]

hey here is an idea... why don't you go to the doctor and get something to supress your sexual appetite?

We don't need chemicals for that, wives do a fine job of it.

[Bob Dole]

You may not LIKE 'PortableVersion's' posts - and he/she could certainly be a little more tactful about it - but I suspect the real reason they bother you is that you're smart enough to know he/she is right on the money.

 

With all due respect, friend, you simply aren't living in the real world.

 

When you describe the decreasing sex in your relationship, you just described almost every relationship on Earth - except that YOU have it much, much better than most of us. And you aren't even grateful.

 

Actually, the reality - and this is backed up by research - is that sexual frequency and satisfaction waxes and wanes in most marriages, that its cyclical. Supposedly (please God let this be true), while most people experience the same decrease you've seen (only a lot worse!), sexual frequency tends to increase again around the 20th year of marriage.

 

It will always come and go. That's life. That's marriage.

 

But, dude, you really have just got to go buy yourself one big clue. You have TWO SMALL CHILDREN. One of them is just 16 months old. And you're getting sex TWICE A WEEK? By the end of my first marriage, twice a week would have seemed like an orgy.

 

Pal, you've got a frickin' winning lottery ticket in your hand and you're griping. Trust me, there are plenty of parents of small children who go MONTHS if not YEARS before that sexual spark returns. A consistent 2 times a week? If you had even a bit of a clue, you'd be going to church every day just to thank God you're so damn lucky.

 

But guess what: you're about to screw that up, aren't you? I'll be blunt: your post, all the talk of your "needs," the suggestion that you can take your wife in for a tune-up like a car with a leaking head gasket ... is a little disturbing, and you don't even see it. It's exactly the wrong approach.

 

And while I'm not a woman, I would guess that for most women, being told that I need to go see a doctor, because I'm not being sexual enough .... well, I'm thinking most women won't find that particularly appealing. Not exactly an aphrodisiac. Unless YOUR WIFE came up with that plan ON HER OWN, you need to forget all about doctors and needles and tests.

 

I still can't get over it. A 16-month old kid and the man's still getting lucky twice a week? And complaining? Wanna trade? I just went 7 WEEKS without. No kids. Not even married yet. If I were in your shoes, I'd be going around hugging strangers and telling everyone how beautiful the universe is. Or something like that.

 

And I'll bet not one word of that gets through.

 

Want some actual workable advice? Do you really want to make it 3-times a week? Four? (You lucky, lucky bastard).

 

Then do this:

 

1) FORGET your needs. Focus on hers.

2) This weekend, send her to the spa. Out for drinks with her friends. INSIST that you're watching the kids all day. Send her away.

3) Tonight give her a long, non-sexual backrub. Then tuck her in with a kiss on her cheek. Make it a habit.

4) Do something special around the house. As in, complete some big project you've been putting off. Something difficult and manly. That takes lots of hard work and sweat. Surprise her.

 

Make the above a habit. And do it because you want to, not because you want to get laid.

 

Maybe its just me (it's not), but when I do those kind of things, I get lovin'. Women want one thing above all else: a man to be a man. Provide. Comfort. Shelter. To treat them like a princess.

 

If I want to make sure I DON'T get laid, guess what I do? Why, I complain about not getting enough sex. There is nothing on Earth guaranteed to get her uninterested quicker. (Guess who did a LOT of whining for the last 7 weeks?)

 

For the record, the above advice is precisely what ended those seven weeks. I forgot about my needs and got busy being her man. Working hard. Making her feel special.

 

It works.

 

Or ... you can stick with this path and ask a bunch of strangers what sort of medicine you can give your wife to get your needs met.

 

 

Your call. Choose wisely. Mr. Happy will thank you. So will your wife.

[a4a]

well Married2 I got the same problem...... so I just learned to be really grateful for it when it does go my way.

 

Then again since I put my foot down I am getting it usually 5x per week.

Did have it going to 2x per week.

 

I really don't blame you for not being happy about it...... hell I wasn't, I still am the one to have to start it mostly...... but I laid off on the BJ's until he decides to just satisfy me from time to time as well...... good for the gander is good for the goose Maybe you should lay off the household help and flowers until she decides to do things your way too?

 

but honestly if you cannot get her to participate well you have to do something to get rid of your need or desire for sex more often than she allows........ thus my comment.

[Guest]

what if it's not a medical condition... what if its something you can't fix... it sounds like a very male approach the problem 'right that's not working must fix it'

maybe she doesn't want a solution but she'd like to express and explore her feelings on the issue.

 

i had a similar problem with my ex, the more he complained the less sexual I felt, the more pressured I felt, the less sexual I felt, if he'd just given me some space and time and done some things to make me feel loved and appreciated then I could have gotten my head around the idea. However he and the whole thing became quite unattractive to me. and I felt unattractive as it wasn't me as a person he wanted just the sex - that's what it felt like.

 

Not the reason we broke up but it didn't help matters.

[marriedwithtwo]

You may not LIKE 'PortableVersion's' posts - and he/she could certainly be a little more tactful about it - but I suspect the real reason they bother you is that you're smart enough to know he/she is right on the money.

 

With all due respect, friend, you simply aren't living in the real world.

 

When you describe the decreasing sex in your relationship, you just described almost every relationship on Earth - except that YOU have it much, much better than most of us. And you aren't even grateful.

 

Actually, the reality - and this is backed up by research - is that sexual frequency and satisfaction waxes and wanes in most marriages, that its cyclical. Supposedly (please God let this be true), while most people experience the same decrease you've seen (only a lot worse!), sexual frequency tends to increase again around the 20th year of marriage.

 

It will always come and go. That's life. That's marriage.

 

But, dude, you really have just got to go buy yourself one big clue. You have TWO SMALL CHILDREN. One of them is just 16 months old. And you're getting sex TWICE A WEEK? By the end of my first marriage, twice a week would have seemed like an orgy.

 

Pal, you've got a frickin' winning lottery ticket in your hand and you're griping. Trust me, there are plenty of parents of small children who go MONTHS if not YEARS before that sexual spark returns. A consistent 2 times a week? If you had even a bit of a clue, you'd be going to church every day just to thank God you're so damn lucky.

 

But guess what: you're about to screw that up, aren't you? I'll be blunt: your post, all the talk of your "needs," the suggestion that you can take your wife in for a tune-up like a car with a leaking head gasket ... is a little disturbing, and you don't even see it. It's exactly the wrong approach.

 

And while I'm not a woman, I would guess that for most women, being told that I need to go see a doctor, because I'm not being sexual enough .... well, I'm thinking most women won't find that particularly appealing. Not exactly an aphrodisiac. Unless YOUR WIFE came up with that plan ON HER OWN, you need to forget all about doctors and needles and tests.

 

I still can't get over it. A 16-month old kid and the man's still getting lucky twice a week? And complaining? Wanna trade? I just went 7 WEEKS without. No kids. Not even married yet. If I were in your shoes, I'd be going around hugging strangers and telling everyone how beautiful the universe is. Or something like that.

 

And I'll bet not one word of that gets through.

 

Want some actual workable advice? Do you really want to make it 3-times a week? Four? (You lucky, lucky bastard).

 

Then do this:

 

1) FORGET your needs. Focus on hers.

2) This weekend, send her to the spa. Out for drinks with her friends. INSIST that you're watching the kids all day. Send her away.

3) Tonight give her a long, non-sexual backrub. Then tuck her in with a kiss on her cheek. Make it a habit.

4) Do something special around the house. As in, complete some big project you've been putting off. Something difficult and manly. That takes lots of hard work and sweat. Surprise her.

 

Make the above a habit. And do it because you want to, not because you want to get laid.

 

Maybe its just me (it's not), but when I do those kind of things, I get lovin'. Women want one thing above all else: a man to be a man. Provide. Comfort. Shelter. To treat them like a princess.

 

If I want to make sure I DON'T get laid, guess what I do? Why, I complain about not getting enough sex. There is nothing on Earth guaranteed to get her uninterested quicker. (Guess who did a LOT of whining for the last 7 weeks?)

 

For the record, the above advice is precisely what ended those seven weeks. I forgot about my needs and got busy being her man. Working hard. Making her feel special.

 

It works.

 

Or ... you can stick with this path and ask a bunch of strangers what sort of medicine you can give your wife to get your needs met.

 

 

Your call. Choose wisely. Mr. Happy will thank you. So will your wife.

 

While I do not think a certain "someone's" posts are right on the money at all....

 

You make excellent points, well stated. I will have to give what you said alot of thought.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, and tell her so. I don't go around grumpy and not talking to her. In fact quite the opposite. Funny you should mention doing something for her.... On Saturday, I told her I was taking the kids for the whole day and she should do whatever she wants. Truthfully I do the things you mention including back rubs and foot rubs (she loves those). I do NOT expect anything in return, those are separate from any sex stuff.

 

I wonder though...there have been at least a few posts on this forum where people did discuss things with their spouse, and suggested getting medically checked. How did they approach it?

[marriedwithtwo]

Maybe you should lay off the household help and flowers until she decides to do things your way too?

 

I don't think that would get me anywhere. I really don't want this to be a "one for one" trade of stuff. I want her to perticipate because she wants to, not because I need it.

 

"If a flower is dying due to little water, do you ignore it? No, you care for it and give it water"

 

This forum is amazing. Half of the people are sex fiends getting it tons and having fun with it. The other half are getting too little sex. Funny perspectives.

[stoopid_guy]

I really don't want this to be a "one for one" trade of stuff. I want her to perticipate because she wants to, not because I need it.

Dude, I feel the same way. I've been celibate now for about ten years.

 

It's hard for us guys to understand, but there are ladies who would happily spend their lives without making love.

[Pink_Tulip]

Just out of curiosity, and if I missed it I am sorry, but have you sat her down and explained that you'd like an extra day of sex during the week? Something along the lines of, I really enjoy sex with you, etc etc, what compromise can we make to make sure we have an extra night together during the week?

 

I'd have to agree with some of the others tho- if you two are having sex 2x per week, and she is enjoying it and having an orgasm, there is no medical issue- her libido is just lower than yours. And thats why I'd suggest the method above. The doctor can't do anything for her, she isn't going to have any natural interest in increasing sex, it is going to have to be an effort from both of you- without pressure on your end.

 

I did have a friend who's OB put her on testosterone cream to increase her libido. In her case, tho, she had NO libido, no interest in sex for months. The cream brought her up to about 2-3x per week- which is considered normal! Good luck.

[a4a]

I wonder though...there have been at least a few posts on this forum where people did discuss things with their spouse, and suggested getting medically checked. How did they approach it?

 

I did this back when it went to 2x per week (for about 2 months). I was blunt and to the point.

 

Lets not look at this as sex was my point. What if I really just wanted a nice back rub and you just did not feel like doing it.

 

My guess is her schedule may seem too much for her. That was my H's excuse so I simply stated I am much more important than the lawn that needs to be mowed or watching some stupid movie...... Your choice.

 

I think it is more of a matter of being taken for granted and they don't bother to attempt to meet your needs.

 

So far this week we are already at 4x And he is the initiator at least 50% of the time.

 

Does your wife really have a clue that this is a very important issue to YOU?

[JamesM]

Dude, I feel the same way. I've been celibate now for about ten years.

 

SG, are you for real? And I am assuming you are married?

 

well Married2 I got the same problem...... so I just learned to be really grateful for it when it does go my way.

 

a4a, as a guy...and you as a woman, I cannot fathom how come you don't get enough. I am not sure how a woman having no sex is the same as a guy not getting it. But then I am a guy....and in our society, guys tend to get the blame if their wife doesn't want it, and guys get the blame if they don't want to give it to their wives. It is rare that a woman gets blamed for a man not wanting or wanting sex. Correct? or no?

 

I don't think that would get me anywhere. I really don't want this to be a "one for one" trade of stuff. I want her to perticipate because she wants to, not because I need it

 

married2, this is the difference between "getting it" and mutual enjoyment. Guys can have sex every day of the week, but if the woman does it just to please HIM and not because SHE wants it, then it becomes unsatisfactory for the guy also. I know I have been there, and too often am still there.

 

Even though Bob Dole has many excellent points, and he is correct, you should feel lucky, I understand that if she isn't enjoying it, then in one way of looking at it, you really aren't making love...yes, having sex, but not making love. For those of us who appreciate having sex just once a week, more than once IS an orgy...and "making love" can be a dream.

 

You cannot approach this as "I need more sex." The question you seem to really have is...how can I get her to WANT to have sex with me? And can this be medical?

 

Since I am one who got my wife "fixed," I will respond.

 

One side note...my wife still doesn't "want" to have sex that often. Yes, she does enjoy it more, but certainly not as I would like it. Unfortunately, she knows this...simply because she can read me...even if I don't say it. But she no longer has this intense dislike for it. It is just that her life is busy and stressful, and sex isn't a priority. My only "hope" is to romance her and forget sex as a goal but rather as a benefit. When I do that, I do reap more benefits.

 

When I persuaded her to get a checkup, I had done enough research to know that this change of medicine could be greater than bringing back her libido. So, no, it wasn't for her libido that she went to get checked. No, this was to resolve her pain issues and depression and fatigue and mood swings...but no, the libido wasn't on the list for her. If I had used the libido as the reason, she would have never been checked.

 

Now, she thinks she should get her hormones checked, because she still doesn't feel her libido is back. This has been HER suggestion. No, she hasn't done it yet, but I won't tell her to do so. She must do it on her own.

 

In your case, I don't know if it is medical, but if it is, you will need to do research first and convince her that this is greater than her libido. Remember that when you make coments regarding her lack of interest, then she will lose more interest. She will think that no matter what she does, she can never satisfy you...even if you try to tell her no, ths is not true. I know...yes, I have been there.

 

So, look at medical reasons, but go out of your way to develop your friendship with her. Sit back and think of all of the many ways you love her...not the ways you wish she was, but how good she is with your kids, the sparkle in her eyes, the mischief when she smiles, the compassion as she listens to your stories, the love as she looks at your children and I can go on and on...sorry, I got carried away thinking of MY wife. BUt I think you understand. Take her out with no expectations. Do not resent her for what you don't have, but appreciate her for what you do have. When she feels the love and respect you have for her AS SHE IS, then she will respond. Yes, I have been there. too.

 

In order for sex to become exciting, you must forget about it. When you keep score, you will never win.

[stoopid_guy]

SG, are you for real? And I am assuming you are married?

Yes, and yes...

[Guest]

Yes, and yes...

 

Celibate for ten years?

 

 

Oh sh**!

 

 

I think I'd explode.

[stoopid_guy]

Celibate for ten years?

 

 

Oh sh**!

 

 

I think I'd explode.

Fortunaely, there's always "Rosey."

 

Not trying to derail the thread or shock anyone, my point is simply that there are some women who don't like sex. They'll do it because they want kids, they'll do it to get a man, but they don't really enjoy it.

 

(Not saying all women, not even saying most women, just saying some women.

[Guest]

Maybe psych reasons, not medical, too.

 

Speaking from experience - being emotionally & verbally abused (even though he's not aware he's doing it) for years tends to lessen the "desire" I once felt for him. Try to broach that subject, e.g., "Honey, if you wouldn't treat me like ****, I might like you enough to actually be able to stand the thought", and I get "You're a bitch!"

 

Be sure you're being someone-worthy-of-being-desired.

[TheDiva]

Fortunaely, there's always "Rosey."

 

Not trying to derail the thread or shock anyone, my point is simply that there are some women who don't like sex. They'll do it because they want kids, they'll do it to get a man, but they don't really enjoy it.

 

(Not saying all women, not even saying most women, just saying some women.

 

 

So what did you do to make sure she enjoyed it? Does she have sexual issues in her past like rape/molestation? (for both SG & Mw2)

 

I couldn't imagine 10 years without it! (Barring medical reasons of course.) I mean not even an HJ? I'm so sorry SG. Now I feel bad for pickin' on ya earlier.

[stoopid_guy]

So what did you do to make sure she enjoyed it? Does she have sexual issues in her past like rape/molestation? (for both SG & Mw2)

In our case, She lost interest after a couple of miscarriages. I did everything I could to let her know I loved and appreciated her. She also tried a hormone cream prescribed by her Gyn. After a couple of years, I gave up trying myself.

 

My sincere belief now: She just never enjoyed it. Once she had a husband and gave up on a second child, she had no reason to do it. (I don't mean to sound "bitter," she's a wonderfull mother and a good friend.)

 

No rape or molestation in her past.

 

Now I feel bad for pickin' on ya earlier.

Nah, humor keeps me (relatively) sane!

[Bob Dole]

I understand that if she isn't enjoying it, then in one way of looking at it, you really aren't making love...yes, having sex, but not making love. For those of us who appreciate having sex just once a week, more than once IS an orgy...and "making love" can be a dream.

 

And that's really the big question, isn't it? Did she EVER really, sincerely enjoy it? Or is that just what the original poster is reporting - or believes?

 

And if she actually did once enjoy it - does she sincerely want to enjoy it in the future?

 

The sad but inescapable truth is that in every relationship, and especially in marriage, there must always be one partner more interested. It's simple logic. Which means SOMEONE is always less than satisfied. It may usually, or almost always, be the man, but this board proves that sometimes it's the other way around.

 

But if she never was really into it ... well, I don't know what to say.

 

My own situation is perhaps even more frustrating - because my lover was originally insatiable. She's a full decade younger than me, beautiful, sexy, a freakin' former prom queen, and in our first year together ... she wore me out. Seriously. I clearly remember times when I honestly hoped she'd ask to play Scrabble or something rather than go to bed.

 

Now? Well, it was 7 weeks last time. Now we're starting week 2 of this time. Nothing. And there's nothing medical. She loves me. No kids yet.

 

She just really ain't that into it anymore.

 

Maybe I need to get her to the doctor? Hey, OP, if you find a good prescription, let me know.

 

Man ... I'd be killing for 2x a week right about now ....