pretty but stupid

[wondering]

I was involved with a very sweet, intelligent, talented woman for some time. She also is blessed with the gift of good-looks. However, before meeting me, she had an online "relationship" with a jerk who totally took advantage of her emotionally, played around behind her back, pretty much wanted her to go away when he was busy with other women, yet tried to be nice to her again when other women were unavailable.

 

What sucks is that she totally knows that this guy is a jerk and is beneath her, yet it took a long time for her to let go of those feelings for him. He also doesn't have much to offer in the looks department. So I am at a lost as to why she would feel that way. It has been a while since they "broke" things off. But to this day, she still wants to befriend this guy and keep in touch with him.

 

When I came into her life, I gave her all that I've got - devotion, honesty, faithfulness, companionship, etc. Yet, she took that for granted and pretty much did to me everything that the jerk did to her. Was she trying to enact revenge on me? Was she trying to focus all her hatred and vengeance for him on me so that she won't hate him anymore? Is that why she still wants contact with him, yet treats me like crap?

 

Things are pretty much over between us. But I just wonder why a pretty, intelligent girl like that can be so messed up in the mind. Also, I wonder if there will ever be help for her.

[Tony T]

1. "Was she trying to enact revenge on me?"

 

Perhaps yes, in a way. However, online relationships are always much better than in person ones in the respect that a person has total control of their perception of them. In her mind, she could make him anything she wanted to and obviously she created an incredible image of him that she could love intensely. In those instances, it is very hard to let go of that illusion.

 

The mind does not know the difference between that which is real and that which is imagined. So competing with the image of her online ex which she had for so long would have been next to impossible.

 

2. "Was she trying to focus all her hatred and vengeance for him on me so that she won't hate him anymore?"

 

I don't think she hates him at all. Afterall, the "he" was the "he" that she herself created in her imagination. She was totally responsible for that.

 

She's probably very confused and doesn't really know who to be angry at but if she's intelligent at all, as you say, she probably pretty peeved at herself.

 

3. "Is that why she still wants contact with him, yet treats me like crap?"

 

Actually, she probably isn't the person you thought she was and most likely treats people like crap all the time. Her online relationship was successful for a period of time because it's pretty hard to treat somebody nasty when they are not right there with you.

 

She's no doubt attractive and you could probably have a great online relationship with her. But I doubt she has ever had a successful in person relationship with any man because she's a bxtch and doesn't even know it.

 

You're better off without her in your life. She's a taco short of a combination platter.

 

4. "But I just wonder why a pretty, intelligent girl like that can be so messed up in the mind."

 

There are millions of pretty, intelligent people who are messed up. Some get better, some don't. The great thing is you have the option of absenting yourself from her life and ceasing to be a victim of her screwedupness.

 

5. "Also, I wonder if there will ever be help for her."

 

A swift kick in the butt may be of great help to her. Time is a great healer and over a long period she is likely to see that if she doesn't make some major changes, she won't accomplish her goals.

 

People's behavior changes and so do their goals and time goes on.

 

There is help for her now if she will seek it but she's got to realize just how screwed up she is before she seeks help.

 

Don't worry about her. Just worry about the next poor guy who falls victim to her wrath.

[midori]

It sounds to me like you got involved with someone who was still completely oriented toward another person, another relationship. Her mind might have been telling her that it was time to let go and move on -- and so she tried to -- but clearly her heart was still focused on her ex-boyfriend. There's no way you could have had a successful relationship with her under those circumstances.

 

I can't begin to know why she's still focused on him. That doesn't really matter, actually. All that matters is that she was in no way prepared to have a relationship with you (or anyone else) until she was over him. There was nothing you could or should have done. The fact that she wasn't over her previous relationship was bad enough; if she was abusive toward you that makes the situation even more intolerable.

 

It's hard to be hung up on someone who has hurt you. Believe me I know -- I'm still partially in love with my ex boyfriend and we've been broken up for a year now. He has treated me very poorly but there's still a part of me that longs for him. I have to be very careful to not let that part of me get in the way with getting to know new people. It won't work if I carry his shadow into a new relationship. This woman should have recognized that. Obviously she's very confused; you can probably chalk up most of her troubling behavior to that.

 

She's looking over her shoulder at what she's left behind rather than looking at what's in front of her. It actually has nothing to do with you. You might well be the nearest modern equivalent to Prince Charming -- doesn't matter if she can't even really see you. She wasn't trying to have a real relationship with you. She was trying to get over her ex, or to make him jealous. But it was still about her feelings for her ex. She selfishly used you. No matter how hurt she was, she had no right to do that. She might be lovely and intelligent and have other fine qualities, but her behavior indicates that she's also self-absorbed and careless. She doesn't deserve your concern; when she had it, she wasted it. Her loss.