Sexy-less marriage

[calalily]

My husband and I have been married for about 7 years, and together for 11. Over time, it because a really good sexual relationship - adventurous and good. We had bought some lingerie, some porn, and some aids (nothing serious).

 

Just recently, I suggested that we have an adventurous session, and he told me that he had got fed up with the moral decadence and chucked it all in the bin (luckily my lingerie was hidden).

 

I feel totally ripped off by this - sex is now according to his specifications and desires, and I decided that I would abandon my policy of considering sex when I wasn't already in the mood for it - only when I positively desire it.

 

Has anyone else had a similar problem, because I don't know what to do and I really need to talk about it.

[Hard2Think]

He sounds like a moron. Fed up with moral decadence? What the f*ck is that all about?

 

The only thing I can think of is that you triggered some hang-up he has about kinky sex. Was he like this before?

 

My husband and I have been married for about 7 years, and together for 11. Over time, it because a really good sexual relationship - adventurous and good. We had bought some lingerie, some porn, and some aids (nothing serious).

 

Just recently, I suggested that we have an adventurous session, and he told me that he had got fed up with the moral decadence and chucked it all in the bin (luckily my lingerie was hidden).

 

I feel totally ripped off by this - sex is now according to his specifications and desires, and I decided that I would abandon my policy of considering sex when I wasn't already in the mood for it - only when I positively desire it.

 

Has anyone else had a similar problem, because I don't know what to do and I really need to talk about it.

[calalily]

No, he wasn't like this before, and other than that he's a good husband - one of the best in the world.

 

His parents were very anti-passion - no touching nipples (cause they're for breastfeeding), no open mouthed kissing etc.

 

But when we got together, I assured him that porn was okay, masturbation normal etc. But now he's read a few things about how porn denigrates men as well as women, he just decided to become a grumpy old man.

 

Oh, but he's kept the masturbation.

[reneet]

According to some religions, masturbation is a nono. Does your husband know that?

[JadeStar]

Moral decadence? So he no longer wants to explore new/kinky things together?

 

This just happened all of a sudden? I smell something fishy here. Especially if he just all of a sudden changed his thoughts around the matter.

 

Trying something new may have "triggered" something for him and that put him off, or theres something else going on.

 

 

 

 

Jade

[calalily]

Yes he knows that, but religion doesn't really enter into it for us - we're lapsed Catholics. It's some men's rights stuff he read about how pornography is used to manipulate men, and make them dogs for commercialism that started this whole thing off.

[JadeStar]

Yes he knows that, but religion doesn't really enter into it for us - we're lapsed Catholics. It's some men's rights stuff he read about how pornography is used to manipulate men, and make them dogs for commercialism that started this whole thing off.

 

Ok so he is no longer into porn, thats not that big of a deal. BUt why should him not wanting to look at porn have anything to do with him not wanting to be sexual or trying new sexual things with you, his wife?

[calalily]

Well, I noticed a short time ago that sex wasn't as good as it used to be - it has become routine, with some premature ejaculation. It's not so much lacklustre sex that bothers me, but the fact that he just isn't interested in doing anything more than the perfunctory with me, and that he doesn't care that I need a little more variety and excitement.

[JadeStar]

Have you sat down with him and had a heart to heart on the matter? or does he refuse to see your side of things, because he is so wrapped up in moral decadence? Would he consider couseling to maybe get to the bottom of whats going on and why he has changed his views on things? Or is that out of the question for him?

[calalily]

I haven't sat down and talked about it with him (after the initial talk) because he doesn't see my side of things. Counselling is something I hate - I've had it before, and I just can't open up (that's why I like these anonymous forums).

 

When I asked him about it before, he said that he didn't want to be that kind of person, and that it was all too sexually orientated, and that it made things just too commercial. He also feels that our adventurous sex life before was just not what he wanted to do (despite years of enthusiasm) and that he wanted lots of cuddles, and then perfunctory sex, and me cuddling up to him afterwards.

 

It is further complicated by the fact that my much older sister is the world's sleaziest swinger, and there have been other issues with that in the past. But now I feel I'm being punished for my sister's lack of moral fibre, rather than him seeing me and our marriage as a separate sexual issue to her conduct.

[JackJack]

If he is not willing to at least see your side of things, talk about it more, or willing to compromise, then he needs to be aware of the impact its gonna have on your marriage. Because as long as you are not ok with things, and he is not willing to meet you half way, it will have an impact. And not for the best I'm afraid.

[calalily]

The impact it will have on my marriage is what frightens me most - such a simple little thing, just a little bit of variety - this is the last way that I thought our relationship would go down hill.

[JackJack]

The impact it will have on my marriage is what frightens me most - such a simple little thing, just a little bit of variety - this is the last way that I thought our relationship would go down hill.

 

 

Just out of curiosty. have you noticed any other changes in him other than his thoughts about sex?

[calalily]

No not really. In my postgraduate studies I am doing men's issues, and gave him some stuff to read - thought it might interest him. He does seem to have become very grumpy lately, scorning any sort of television show he thinks is morally decadent, but we still seem to feel the same on a lot of issues.

[catgirl1927]

What on earth does touching nipples during sex have to do with believing in breastfeeding? And, no open mouthed kissing? What?? I don't understand.

 

This sounds like something that could get WAY out of control really really fast. First, it's he doesn't want you to enjoy sex. Then he doesn't want you to have friends. Then he won't let you talk to your family, then you aren't allowed to go out without him, then he will start meting out punishments, one strike with a rod for smiling too much, two for laughing too loud.

 

Get into therapy quick.

[Bob Dole]

Let me throw something out there, that you might want to re-think.

 

There are a great many women out there who would be overjoyed if their man voluntarily turned away from porn and "decadence," as your hubby put it. There are millions out there with men completely addicted to that crap. A lot of them would love to be in your shoes.

 

Just something to think about.

 

In fact, I have a question - since that behavior is pretty unusual, is it possible he IS dealing with some porn addiction problem (that he hasn't told you about), and what you're seeing is his early attempts to change? In other words, he's struggling with porn right now - and this dramatic statement that he's "fed up with the moral decadence" is his declaration that he's changing his ways?

 

Because as someone who's been there, that statement sounds pretty familiar.

 

So maybe the problem is that he's going a little too far? Throwing out the baby with the bathwater? He's sexually confused, and thinking that "decadence" has to include even adventurous sex with his wife?

 

Maybe you could try to bring this up? I'd suggest you APPLAUD his recent efforts to live a more "moral" life (according to his standards), but remind him that getting a little kinky with his own wife certainly isn't immoral.

 

I could be way off base. But maybe not. Just talk to the boy. You'll figure it out.

 

Now ... I do have one question i just gotta ask about this:

 

His parents were very anti-passion - no touching nipples (cause they're for breastfeeding), no open mouthed kissing etc.

 

 

How in the name of God does he know his parent's views on nipple touching? How the #$!@%!@ did that come up in parent-child conversation? "Now remember, little Jimmy - stay away from those nipples?!?!"

 

 

If that's actually true ... maybe you should be looking for a therapist. I think if my parents had ever discussed the pros and cons of nipple touching with me (at least in this kinda way), I'd be living on a therapist's couch.

 

Good luck to you!

[Adunaphel]

Well, I noticed a short time ago that sex wasn't as good as it used to be - it has become routine, with some premature ejaculation. It's not so much lacklustre sex that bothers me, but the fact that he just isn't interested in doing anything more than the perfunctory with me, and that he doesn't care that I need a little more variety and excitement.

 

So this problem excalated gradually, he didn't start having issues out of the blue? Or can you say that things started going this way after a specific moment/in a more or less specific period?

 

I wonder if he ran into anything that shocked him while watching porn, or had some unpleasant experience himself (I'm not talking necessarily about having had unpleasant sexual experience with someone else... it could be witnessing something disturbing, or talking to someone who had bad experiences).

[JackJack]

In fact, I have a question - since that behavior is pretty unusual, is it possible he IS dealing with some porn addiction problem (that he hasn't told you about), and what you're seeing is his early attempts to change? In other words, he's struggling with porn right now - and this dramatic statement that he's "fed up with the moral decadence" is his declaration that he's changing his ways

 

You know this was my thinking as well. I'm wondering if its possible he has seen/done something that bothered him to the point to where he feels repulsed by his own actions? So he in a way is turned off by most things having to do with sex. If this is the case, or even if its not, some thearpy is probably best to get to the root of things. I highly doubt this is something thats just going to work itself out, although I might be wrong.

[norajane]

I wonder if he ran into anything that shocked him while watching porn, or had some unpleasant experience himself (I'm not talking necessarily about having had unpleasant sexual experience with someone else... it could be witnessing something disturbing, or talking to someone who had bad experiences).

 

Or he found himself being turned on by some things he saw in porn that he felt ashamed/guilty about...like nipple sucking or gay sex or just the sight of another man's penis, maybe...so, damned the moral decadence of society!

 

Methinks he doth protest too much.

[LVspecB]

Just recently, I suggested that we have an adventurous session, and he told me that he had got fed up with the moral decadence and chucked it all in the bin (luckily my lingerie was hidden).

There is a message here which, unfortunately (speaking from experience), will take some time to be revealed in its entirety. An abrupt change like this is about something bigger than just sex toys and variety. Don't let the hurt you justifiably feel prevent you from considering the bigger picture...

 

LVspecB

[calalily]

What on earth does touching nipples during sex have to do with believing in breastfeeding? And, no open mouthed kissing? What?? I don't understand.

 

His mother was one of those breastfeeding Nazis who always taught her children that breasts were only for breastfeeding, and really drummed it into them.

 

There are a great many women out there who would be overjoyed if their man voluntarily turned away from porn and "decadence," as your hubby put it. There are millions out there with men completely addicted to that crap. A lot of them would love to be in your shoes.

 

I would completely agree if it didn't also coincide with the interest in what I want to do in bed going out the window. Let me clarify and say it hasn't become a type of joyless situation where he's only interested in his own gratification, but that when we first spoke about it, he said he wasn't interested in anything more adventurous than the missionary position, and basic sex.

 

I don't think that he is dealing with a porn addiction - he doesn't have enough time, and the only porn we had was the stuff I bought for him (he's too embarassed to go to the shop to get it). We don't have a car, so there is nowhere he goes that I'm not aware of it, and no money he spends that I'm not aware of, as we don't have a great deal of money.

 

I personally don't mind if he forgoes porn, but I do really think that here he has thrown the baby out with the bathwater.

 

As far as the specific start, I can pinpoint where he got the idea from - from reading the men's rights books, and due to his parent's uptight (and wrong) attitudes about sex, he just went too far.

 

All this is further complicated by the aforementioned sister who is a swinger - my husband is further repulsed by the lacklustre moral attitude she has - she regularly goes to sex clubs, and has traumatised her own daughter, and my husband feels very protective of my neice.

 

Let me say that my husband, apart from this issue (it's about 2 months or so since this started) is absolutely wonderful - he was a stay at home Dad for our children, househusband, and is generally an allround great guy.

 

Don't let the hurt you justifiably feel prevent you from considering the bigger picture...

 

This is basically the problem - I have been terribly hurt by what he has said - he hasn't just dogged on pornography, or adventurous sex, but me as well - he's just made me feel dirty for wanting something more.

[JadeStar]

Perhaps he needs some new books to read then. Sounds like he is reading the wrong kind of books that are fillin his head with crap that needs not to.

 

Even if porn is not something he has looked at to turn him against sexual intimacy, or doing more things sexually, I would have to say there is something that has. Don't know what it is. I'm as lost as you. But I don't think IMO, that these books and his upbringing is all of a sudden going to change him from way to another. If he was like this the intire time you all dated/got married thats one thing, but something caused him to change. I'm just not sold on the fact it might just be the books/upbringing. JMO.

 

 

Jade

[calalily]

Oh god, my life is so complicated!!

 

Just recently, I think my sister primed the whole situation. As previously mentioned, she is a swinger. She is 14 years older than me, and when I was younger, her first husband came onto me. It messed me up a lot at the time, and she just said "well that's what men do". I got over that, but it gives you a good indicator about what sort of person she is.

 

Recently, I finally spoke to my husband about her new husband, who since I was about 13, when he hugs me, has touched the sides of my boobs when doing so. I was just off loading, and said you know, hate it, wish he wouldn't do that. He absolutely went ballistic about it, and said he would smash the guy's head in if he touched me again. That was okay, he stood in between me and the guy, and I have successfully avoided goodbye hugs via a cigarette in my hand.

 

Then recently, my neice got pregnant at 18 (who can blame with a mum like that) and this man, W the lecherous hugger, called her a slut. This really hurt my neice, and we comforted her, reassured her. But this of course, further inflamed my husband. Recently, when it was her son's first birthday, I didn't really want to go to the birthday party (due to my sister, and no car) but my husband said he was going anyway because Neice needed to see that not all the men in the world are sleazes.

 

So it's further complicated by having an extremely bad example of what happens if you let sex rule your life.

[JadeStar]

Your husband can not go around for the rest of his life being pissed off at the world for how some people live their lives. I'm not saying he shouldn't be ticked off for some guy hugging you and rubbing up against your boobs or wahtever the situation was, but he CAN NOT control how others feel, think how they live, what they say etc etc. There are alot of moral people out there, and immmoral. Hes not his call, and your sex life shouldn't suffer because of it.

 

 

 

Jade

[Ladyjane14]

Well, I noticed a short time ago that sex wasn't as good as it used to be - it has become routine, with some premature ejaculation. It's not so much lacklustre sex that bothers me, but the fact that he just isn't interested in doing anything more than the perfunctory with me, and that he doesn't care that I need a little more variety and excitement.

 

 

While I don't want to discount any of the psychological factors.... I have to wonder if it's possible that the incidents of premature ejaculation are giving him some performance anxiety.

He could be avoiding situations in which he feels he might get too aroused. It seems weird to me for a person who hasn't been uptight about something in the past, to all of the sudden become uptight about it.

 

Possible solutions to that might be giving him something quick, and then go for a longer session soon after. Or have him to his doctor about a low dosage of a serotonin uptake inhibitor. The sexual 'side affects' of anti-depressant medication can sometimes work in your favor.