I want to die

[SUMMER 1969]

Well yet again I am on this website..

 

About a month ago or so I posted a few things about the man I was dating.. To make a long story short, he told me he was not falling in love with me and never would, a week later he wanted to see me, we then just went on with our reationship without talking about what was going on between us..

 

Well, he cheated on me once, and I let it slide like a fool I am.. He told me after he got caught that if I ever wanted to look in his phone or snoop through his house I could.. Well, a few days ago I did look in his phone for some reason and I seen a girls number on his phone.. I did not know how to handle it so I blew it off for 3 days and then told him what I did..

 

He got mad at me and broke up with me, he told me the girls number was a good friend of his from 8 years ago! I feel like such a fool!

 

He told me that we will never go anywhere and its over. He said he cares for me but he needs some space and in the future when I am ready we can be friends..

 

Well I am so hurt, my life is so shi@@ty right now, I just want to die! I am going to be 30 years old, never been married, have no kids, and am completly lost in life!

 

I don't know what to do at this point, I went on a anti depressent, and it helps a little, but right now I just want to take my car and put it in the garage and start my car..

 

I feel like I am living in hell! I can't do this anymore, I don't have any fight left to give..

 

Hell I can't even keep a ******* in my life. I am a mess and the only thing that is holding me back from killing myself is I am scared I will not go to heaven..

 

I just don't feel I have anything left.. All's I do is sleep, I can't eat, I watch tv and play with my dog or cat, I have pushed almost all of my friends away from me..

 

I just want to me alone all of the time..

 

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

 

Almost 30 years old and going no where in life. I know I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it anymore..

 

I know I am very pretty, hell, I model for a living.. but looks don't get you anywhere, unless you are a object for some guy..

 

I just want to die!!!

 

I was thinking of writting a letter to my family and friends, and then just doing it, and if I don't go to heaven, so be it!

[swirly27]

Aww Summer, you can't do that!! I know how it feels to want to die sometimes, but that is not going to help ANYTHING at all. I too am almost 30 and I have never been married and don't have kids and I wish for all of that too and it hurts, I understand. I am going thru a hard time with a breakup that occured a short time ago, but we will get thru this and be stronger because of it.

 

Have you spoken to anyone, a therapist or anything? Because it sounds to me like you just have really low self esteem right now, which we all pretty much do haha, but this guy doesn't sound like a good guy who even remotely deserves you feeling this bad about. I'm sure to you he is, thats how I feel about my ex. BUT....this guy tells you he'll never love you or anything, then a week later changes his mind.....THEN HE CHEATS.....and you forgive him and when you check his phone, which is how anyone would feel after being cheated on AND he tells you you can, you do it and he freaks out on you???? THAT IS F'D UP. You deserve WAYYYYY better than some a-hole who'll do that to you. I am sure you are a beautiful woman who deserves much more than that, we all are beautiful people. Breakups are so hard, almost worse than someone you love dying, because when someone passes away, they are not 'choosing' to leave you, where as rejection that comes from a breakup is by choice. It hurts, but you'll be stronger and better when you come out of this....and I know you are feeling sooooo horrible right now, but let yourself grieve and cry and whatever else you need to do to get thru each day. Only time will make this better, but time slowly creeps by when we are sad and depressed. Is there anything that makes you feel better, even just a little?? Maybe now talking on this forum will be one of those things.

[SUMMER 1969]

How can I go on when I can't even look at myself in the mirror.. I feel like crap! I feel like if I cant even keep a jerk around in my life who in th ehell would ever want me.. I don't even know how to meet any nice guys and when I do, I blow them off..

 

Its like a game, I want what I can't have...

 

How many people do you really know at 30 years old who has never been married and has no kids? I feel like a waste of flesh..

 

I just hate myself and I don't know how to get out of this funk.

 

I just think it may be time for me to go on my way, maybe god will forgive me and understand.. I don't know..

[calalily]

The best phrase I heard to cover this is "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Having been on anti-depressants, I can also tell you that they seem to have caused inertia in me, and didn't take away my sense of hopelessness.

 

It might be bad right now, but don't let this be the end of it - everybody goes through this, and it will pass.

[SUMMER 1969]

And nothing is helping me right now.. I just feel like crap.. How in the world will I ever meet a nice guy if this guy who is a jerk does not want me? Hell, no one does..

 

I thought I was a good person, I thought I had a great heart, I thought so many great things about myself..

 

Now I hate myself for opening up to someone, I hate that I let myself trust him, I hate everything! I am so dumb!

 

How could I be so stupied? I give up! I really do! He used me and then threw me to the dogs! He is out and about right now while I am sitting here thinking of killing myself!

 

This does not add up!

[swirly27]

The problem is we are our own worst enemy!! I used to think that way when I dated a couple of guys that, looking back now, were LOSERS and JERKS, but at the time I wanted them, so I kept thinking how low do I feel when I can't even keep a loser........but I realized I was too good for them and on some level, they knew it, because the people they are with now are even BIGGER LOSERS. hahaha

 

I think the main problem for you is you have no faith or esteem in yourself and thats what you need to work back on. I don't know where you live, but I live in a small town and almost everyone I know is married, with kids, with someone or all of the above....and LET ME TELL YOU....97% of them I DON'T ENVY and they are MISERABLE - most of them settled. Where I grew up, in the cities, almost no one is married until their late 20's into their 30's......its almost better that way (not to knock anyone who got married younger). But once you realize that you don't want jerks and losers, you won't attract them. Why do you think you only want what you can't have? Maybe you need to figure that out about yourself. Was this guy always a jerk.....did you only like him cause he was a challenge? Just because a guy is nice doesn't mean you HAVE to like him and want to be with him....but with modeling and whatever else you do, maybe just take some time to not be with ANY man and make new friends and learn to LOVE YOURSELF. Thats really what you need to do first before you can be with anyone else, or it'll always end up not working out. Its hard though and it really really sucks. But you will be SOOO much better after some time and learning to love yourself....and you will!!

[SoCalCatman72]

I don't know what to do at this point, I went on a anti depressent, and it helps a little, but right now I just want to take my car and put it in the garage and start my car..

 

I feel like I am living in hell! I can't do this anymore, I don't have any fight left to give..

 

Hell I can't even keep a ******* in my life. I am a mess and the only thing that is holding me back from killing myself is I am scared I will not go to heaven..

 

I just don't feel I have anything left.. All's I do is sleep, I can't eat, I watch tv and play with my dog or cat, I have pushed almost all of my friends away from me..

 

I just want to me alone all of the time..

 

Does any of this sound familiar to any of you?

 

I'm so sorry for you, I know how you feel in fact just two days ago, I was sitting in my car, thinking about rolling down the windows and closing the garage door. I most definitely feel your pain and hopelessness.

 

How many people do you really know at 30 years old who has never been married and has no kids? I feel like a waste of flesh..

 

Well, just to start, I am 33, married once to a woman I wasn't in love with for two years, no kids, and have been single for the past 5 years. My roommate is a professionally successful woman, in her 30's, never married no kids. The receptionist at a company I used to work for was 38, lived alone, never married, no kids and neither of them are difficult to look at.

 

How in the world will I ever meet a nice guy if this guy who is a jerk does not want me? Hell, no one does..

 

I thought I was a good person, I thought I had a great heart, I thought so many great things about myself..

*******

How could I be so stupied? I give up! I really do! He used me and then threw me to the dogs! He is out and about right now while I am sitting here thinking of killing myself!

 

This does not add up!

 

The jerk 'claims' he doesn't want you because he is a jerk with some serious maturity and control issues. I think you'll find that nice guys are actually more interested in the good person with the good heart that lives inside of you, rather than the beautiful model on the outside.

 

DON'T hurt yourself. It's not the answer, as much as it may seem to be the only solution at the time, tomorrow is a new day. You seem like a nice person (mean people don't love animals), and you now have another growing experience under your belt, that you can use to make the world a better place, one man at a time. Don't you dare cheat the world and that future lucky man out of the prize that is you with the benefit of your life's experiences.

 

If you need to talk to someone who has thought about suicide, attempted suicide on more than one occasion, and is glad that he didn't succeed, please feel free to PM me.

 

I will pray for your recovery. Hang in there.

 

*edit* If you just recently started taking anti-depressants, and the depression and thoughts of suicide get worse, call your Dr. immediately. This is contraindicated on all anti-depressant medications.

[SUMMER 1969]

All's I know is that I always find guys that treat me like crap.. But for some odd reason I feel head over heels in love with this guy..

 

I am just so hurt, I just don't know what to do anymore..

 

I do not know how to pm any one.. Please expalin

[the_alchemyst]

Hi Summer,

 

I was reading your posts in this thread and decided to backtrack a little and read some of your old posts to get a better understanding of where you're coming from.

 

For the meantime, let me tell you that I'm sorry you are hurting. I can sympathize with the belief that no one loves you and that they never will; I have been feeling like that myself lately, so I can understand.

 

For now, let me just tell you that no matter how strong a feeling and idea that may seem, it simply is not true. Really it's not.

 

I'm going to post here later with (I hope) something better to say.

 

Just please hang in there, Summer.

 

I do not know how to pm any one.. Please expalin

 

I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think you have the sufficient priviledges (length of time here, post count) to PM other members.

[Just2Cute1972]

Summer i wish i could give u a hug. I feel the exact same way u do..believe me. Its been soooo hard. I havent been to work in 2 days because i cant stop from getting sick and i dont even eat. I dropped 20 pnds in 4 weeks and think my life is over. The only problem is that i KNOW my life will go on in my head..but im having trouble convincing my heart. Noone is worth trying to kill urself over..believe me, ive been there. Things WILL get better .. sooner or later and rem u are soooo totally not alone in going thru something like this.

[SoCalCatman72]

It's ok to feel that you are head over heels for this guy, but try to remember that you KNOW that he is a jerk, and as such doesn't deserve your time, attention, thoughts or emotions. From what I understand a lot of girls seem to find guys that treat them like crap, apparently there are a whole lot of crappy men out there.

 

I feel your pain, and there's not much I can say, as time is truly the only salve that can ease your pain. I would suggest that you begin focusing on yourself. It's not selfish to make yourself the most important thing in your life when you need to, and I exhort you to seriously begin thinking about what YOU want and what YOU need in life (and IMO this jerk is definitely something you don't need in your life). Go shopping, get a massage or a spa treatment. Maybe take up a hobby or go for a road trip. Focus on the things that will get you through the day, one minute at a time.

 

Check your My Profile/CP to see if your PM is enabled, if you still can't PM and want to talk, I'll set up a temp e-mail that you can send to.

[Spinderella]

And nothing is helping me right now.. I just feel like crap.. How in the world will I ever meet a nice guy if this guy who is a jerk does not want me? Hell, no one does..

 

I thought I was a good person, I thought I had a great heart, I thought so many great things about myself..

 

Now I hate myself for opening up to someone, I hate that I let myself trust him, I hate everything! I am so dumb!

 

How could I be so stupied? I give up! I really do! He used me and then threw me to the dogs! He is out and about right now while I am sitting here thinking of killing myself!

 

This does not add up!

 

Probably like most pretty girls, you get alot of guys after you who are really easy to get, and so the ones who seem a little more challenging are the ones you are drawn to. Unfortunately they are sometimes challenging because they really are jerks. Now, pull yourself together. Why are you asking a man to validate you anyway? You said you thought you were a good person etc, so unless this guy confirms that, that means you arent? Do you really think this guy is a great judge of character? Do you know that most people can only see and assess things according to their own experience? Do you realise how limited that makes most of our ability to accurately assess things? So how can one guy, a jerk at that, really be the judge of who you are?

[Timberlane]

Hang in there, summer. I have felt like you frequently this year now that my wife has gone back to Europe and wants a divorce. But I toughed out the dark times and have found a new place to live, new and old friends, and am busy as hell doing fun, adventurous things that take my mind completely off being alone now. I feel like I might be able to make it now, even meet someone new. Who knows? You can get things turned around as well. Please keep in touch. I'm rooting for you.

[Rooster_DAR]

Hey Summer, you sound like a pretty hot chick and you will get through this thing. Don't let some dude dictate how you feel about yourself and certainly don't let them get the best of you by destroying your dignity.

 

Stand up, look at yourself in the mirror, and promise yourself you will not let this funk get the best of you. My sister told me to go to the mirror everyday and say to yourself, I am living for myself, nobody is going to make me feel inferior, and I am a sexy as hell person (she had this part right anyway). This amazingly was very effective and I am glad I listened.

 

Bottom line, it's going to hurt a bit, but if you listen and take the advice of the people here, you will be amazed at how quickly you can get over this.

 

Take care of URself Kiddo!

 

roost

[daphne]

Summer,

 

I know you're going through a hard time now but I wanted to give you a few reasons that you shouldn't.

 

1) The guy was a complete loser. Even if you feel bad about yourself, you really cant' kill yourself over this loser. Or anyone. But especially over a loser. This argument worked for me by the girl with whom my ex husband cheated on me. She actually consoled me after she told me because I was suicidal. She was absolutely right. He wasn't even remotely worth it and I would have been very very stupid to let him ruin my life.

 

2) You have no idea the effect you'll have on everyone who cares about you. And there are a lot more than you realize. One of my best friends killed herself 3 years back. It took over 2 years to heal. It'll crush a lot of people and you have no idea because you have blinders on and think no one cares.

 

3) You are taking life for granted. It really is a beautiful world out there. You've just forgotten that. There are a lot of crappy people out there who are so messed up that they'd like to piss on your parade, but that's why you have to keep on navigating.

 

I've been told I'm beautiful as well (and kind of well off), but my ex left to go to Puerto Rico for a stupid menial labor job. Don't think that didn't make me feel like crap. At first. Now I realize he's just a really foolish person and I dodged a bullet.

 

You just need to pick yourself up and get a little mad. What would you tell yourself if you were someone else? You'd probably have a hard time understanding how a pretty girl could let some loser get her down.

 

Hang in there. I promise it'll get better. And when you look back on this, you'll wonder how such a loser got you down.

[SUMMER 1969]

Well today I actully called a good friend over, and I explained to him what was going on between that guy and myself.. he told me that I am attracted to all of the losers and for once in my life I really need to date a nice guy..

 

He also told me that by dating that guy for a year he shot my self-esteem.. and he totally did.. I don't understand why I am in so much pain by a guy who treats me like dirt..

 

I feel like my heart is in my stomache and I feel so sick! I feel like I just am so unhappy and I will not get over this hump...

 

I lost so much weight its not even funny... I can't eat and all's I want to do is talk to this guy and tell him he is making a mistake.. I feel like I am begging him to stay with me..

 

The sex was pretty good with him, I could talk to him about a lot of personal things, I could just lay around and watch tv with him and I was totally comfortable. How can he not care or give a shi@ about me??? How?? Why???

 

Why am I so bad? Why does he not feel we are compatable for a long term realationship?

 

I just don't get it! I just want to die! I really do!!! I hate my life and I am feeling worse by the second! If I listen to music I think of him, if I go for a drive I think of him, if I watch tv I think of him! I don't know what to do!!! I have 100% lost it!

 

I can't seem to pick myself up! I am sitting here typing to all of you and I just keep crying!

 

I just feel like a piece of trash, and that is how he is making me feel.. I know damn well he is not thinking of me right now, hell, he is probable out and about..

 

To make this all worse, he is a cop and was in the military and I was always told to never date a cop, or someone in the milatary for the fact that they are very controlling, but Once again I did not listen and I went with my heart..

 

I am so sick of always getting shi@ on... I try to be nice to people, I try to care about everyone, and I am always the one sitting here getting hurt.. Its like I am asking for men to walk all over me..

 

I just don't know what to do anymore..

 

Summer:lmao:

[Heart66]

Summer....Pleeeaaasssee don't do anything to harm yourself! I know youre hurting. Actually, I think we all are--or we wouldn't be on this website in the "break up" posts! Hang in there kid. It DOES get better. Harming yourself is not the answer. Try to focus on the positives and not the negatives. You KNOW deep down that you are a beautiful, deserving person. Keep reminding yourself of that. Stop focusing on the fact that you are still single, and remember that it is better to be single and HAPPY, than to be married to the WRONG man and miserable! As my Mom keeps telling me--A half a man is NOT better than no man at all! The right man is out there. Someone will love you. Just be patient, and I promise, you'll look back on this and be grateful that you didnt settle for a jerk, and that you lived to see better days! Keep your chin up!! My heart and prayers are with you.

 

PS--just so you know, there are PLENTY of us still single/no kids. I am 40, and still waiting for Mr. Right. [And Im still damn cute too! ] I am hopeful that the desires of my heart will happen. But in the meantime...I AM HAPPY WITH ME! I COME FIRST!!! I want you to feel the same way about yourself!

[SUMMER 1969]

But how do I make myself happy again? I have a problem just getting out of bed.. It's work to just take a shower.. Hell, yesterday I laid around my house all day long and stayed in my pj's..

 

I am trying to keep my chin up, but its so hard.. I feel like I am useless.

 

What kind of guy is going to look at me at 30 years old who has never been married and has no kids.. Men will look at me like there has to be something wrong with her..

[flowerpot]

Hey Summer,

I know how you feel, Calalilly said it best"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

I was married to a beautifull wife , took on 3

stepchildren, thought I had the perfect marriage. Then one day GONE, I WAS DEVISTATED. Time will heal. I know It's hard to believe but it is true!!!!!

Have faith, and it doesn't hurt to pray. God listens. We may not always get what we pray for, but things always seem to work out for the better!!!

There are alot of good people here on LS so be patient...... You will be O.K..

Take care, FP

[D-Lish]

I've had my heart broken so many times now by both good guys and bad ones.... but I'm still okay.

I am divorced, no kids, 36 years old, and I take great pride in people telling me I look 30 all the time. I only wish I was still 30!

 

There is still lots of time. I didn't get married until I was 31, which was a good time for me- I wasn't ready until then.

 

You are going to be okay. Don't harm yourself over some loser who treated you like crap! If you stop to think about- you don't want to die... what you probably want is for the pain to stop. And it does!

 

You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and put some space between you and this guy. Start by just putting on a brave face- doll yourself up and go to dinner with a friend, take baby steps.

 

Confidence is attractive- even if you're not feeling confident at the moment- just act like you are. Pretty girls with the "poor me" syndrome attract a-holes.

 

Just let yourself grieve for a while.

Don't do anything drastic in this moment of weakness. You'll look back in a while and wonder what you ever saw in this jerk.

 

You deserve better- keep telling yourself that.

Take care of yourself.

Dee

[SUMMER 1969]

I know confidence is attrative, and I used to be very confident with myself.. Right when I met my ex he was so into me, he would call me all of the time and could not wait to see me.. Somewhere along the lines I lost all confidence.. I mean if my guy asked me to jump I would say how high! It was pathedic..

 

I don't know how I let myself get to this point.. I really don't.. Its like One day I woke up and I was just a mess.. I have always been taught that if you treat a man good he will treat you back just as good.

 

I would do anything for this guy.. Maybe thats what the problem was, maybe I was not confident enough..

 

I don't know.. All's I know is I am going to be 30 and I don't look 30 either, I still get carded for cigerattes.

 

I just want to get over this hump, and maybe you are all correct in saying One day I will look back and think what a looser.. At least I hope so..

 

I know that One day he will get hurt by someone and knows how it feels..

But to be honest I don't see him settling down with anyone anytime soon.. He likes his freedom to much, and it boils down to just sex with him.. If you don't put out, then he will leave..

 

I slept with him on our second date for some odd reason, I never do that! Ever! This guy had me wrapped around his finger from the get go.. I don't know what it is about him, but he had me..

 

This guy cheated on me, gave me a std ( clmidia, or however you spell that ) and I still stayed..

 

I am not one to sleep around I have only been with 5 guys my entire life..

 

But this totally took advantage of me..

 

Why do you think I stayed with him so long? How is it that I can love someone that treated me so bad? Is it that I feel I deserve to be punished for whatever reason? I am just trying to make sense of all this..

 

Do you think that he will just start sleeping with someone knew and forget about me? Do you think he feels bad at all for hurting me so much?

[D-Lish]

Maybe you choose guys that are emotionally "unavailable" because you have some issues that you yourslef need to work on?

 

I know I do that. I don't feel worthy, so I choose people that aren't worthy.

 

Why do you really want someone back who treats you so rotton? Ask yourself that. You have to seperate the love you feel for him and the reality that this guy is nothing but bad news for you. That takes time.

Write a list of everything that is wrong about it- post it on your fridge and read it often. Write a list of your amazing qualities- and internalize them, believe them.

 

Believe me, I know how you feel. You just have to believe yourself worthy of having a stable, healthy relationship. Maybe that means being alone for a while, taking the time to work on yourself and doing what you need to do in order to be ready to engage in a healthy relationship. That may require some soul searching, but take the time to do that for yourself.

 

Whether or not he still cares should be irrelevant to you. Even if he still does care- could you go back to him after everything he's done to hurt you so terribly? He's bad news for you- you know that in your head.

 

You have to look after yourself!

 

Seriously, you should take the time to delve into yourself. Why do you choose unavailable men? You have the answer to that, it's in there. The sooner you figure that out, the sooner you can start to make the changes needed to better yourself, to like yourself again.

 

I found that as I reached my thirties that I started to feel a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin. I've reached the stage where I know why I am the way I am... now I am more able to make changes because I have the insight into my behaviour.

 

This guy isn't worth your time. He seems cruel. He also seems emotionally unavailable. Make that his problem- not yours.

 

Be good to yourself and find someone else more worthy of you.

[Josalina]

this upsets me u feel like this, my nan did take her own life because of love. think of everyone around you, your friends and family, how could you even think of putting them through this.

nothing is ever that bad. get down the doctors and get some help b4 you do get 2 low and it is to late.

i am sorry i can not help anymore than that i feel for you, but it hurts to think you want to make everyone else suffer, please dont do it, you need to pick yourself up and get help.

[Rooster_DAR]

I was in your shoes just two months ago, it was ****ed up. Just keep hanging here and talk with people, you'll get better.

 

 

Cheers kiddo!

[Spinderella]

this upsets me u feel like this, my nan did take her own life because of love. think of everyone around you, your friends and family, how could you even think of putting them through this.

nothing is ever that bad. get down the doctors and get some help b4 you do get 2 low and it is to late.

i am sorry i can not help anymore than that i feel for you, but it hurts to think you want to make everyone else suffer, please dont do it, you need to pick yourself up and get help.

I'm sorry for your pain about your nan, BUT, I always think if somebody is really suicidal, they really believe that they are nothing but a burden on family and friends, and do not believe they are lovable enough for their death to cause anybody pain. Feeling suicidal is nothing to feel guilty about, although doubtless many people care about Summer, and would be devastated if she were to act on these feelings.

Summer, you say that you have not been eating, and you are a model anyway, and so possibly already thin and malnourished. I think many people dont realise the effect that diet has on state of mind. You will be lacking in many important nutrients important for a healthy body and mind. Take the B vitamins alone, which are essential for the nervous system. It is well known that lack of these important vitamins cause depression. You are also on strong medication if you are on antidepressants. These do wonders for some people sometimes, but you need to maintain your physical health too.

I will tell you this, that about 12 years ago now, I was suicidal myself. I managed to fight this by practising yoga and meditation and keeping myself physically healthy. I know this kind of story is quite common. Now I am so glad that I did fight it, because I managed to spiritually transform my life. The plus side to hitting rock bottom is that it can redirect your life to a deeper and more soul fulfilling direction, which will ultimately bring you the kind of joy that is not dependent on other people. There are always positives if you look for them, even if they remain hidden to your view for many months. Try to find things to be grateful for, even if they are only very small things such as watching the sun rise. Really try to feel grateful, not just say it to yourself. This works well with practise and dedication. Eventually you will transform your outlook to something completely positive and thus attract much more positive situations to yourself.

I know so many people who have been destroyed by a negative relationship, and I dont think there are many women who have not behaved like a doormat in a relationship with a jerk. All you can do about this particular situation is smooth down your skirts and hold your head up high, and resolve not to let a man treat you this way in the future. That will be enough. It does not matter in the grand scheme of things, what this one man thinks of you.