I want to die

[quankanne]

churches also are great resources for personal counselling, and they don't charge, because it's part of the priest's/minister's job to help the flock!!!

 

in an earlier post you'd wondered about your attraction to this particular guy ... I think at some point, women go through a phase of being with men who are obviously not a good match, but they've got the faith that they can change him for the better. Kinda like a home improvement project: sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. This is prolly your relationship with Jack Ass ... you felt your love could help transform him into the man you sensed he was, but he wasn't interested in becoming that better person. Even though what you set out to achieve didn't happen, it's not your fault.

 

remember the saying, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"? That pretty much applies to your ex ... you offered the best you had, but for whatever reasons, he chose not to partake. It doesn't make you any less of a beautiful soul just because he said no to your kind of love ... as hard a lesson you received from the experience, it has its value. Because from pain and hurt you gain strength, but only if you allow yourself to do just that. You'll still be capable of giving and receiving great love, but now you'll be more discerning, thanks to donkey-boy. Just keep remembering the problem isn't you or what you offered, it just wasn't meant to be. Your love is out there, and it'll sneak into your life when you least expect it.

 

in the meantime, do things for YOU – you'd mentioned going back to school. Even if you're not able just yet to enroll full-time, look into classes or workshops offered at the local junior college or different companies. If there's something that piques your interest, chase after it. I've taken a photography classes and water fitness classes as part of the local junior college's continuing ed program, classes that didn't break the bank (thank goodness). There's a whole world of stuff to discover, should you choose to do so ....

 

as for movies: I keep going back to the same ones, so much so that I invested in DVDs of these movies, lol. The Mirror Has Two Faces (unattractive older woman snags hottie husband, even though both are running scared of relationships); Sabrina (Harrison Ford version, girl in love with boy but boy not interested, but boy's brother is attracted to girl); Spanglish (forbidden love); While You Were Sleeping (about the same as Sabrina); Fools Rush In (boy marries girl because she's pregnant, they fall in love); and my favorite, The Sound of Music ... about a postulant who finds love with a widower while acting as nanny to his HUGE family.

 

dammit, I AM a sucker for romance! :p :p

[SUMMER 1969]

I feel like I am at Step One all over again.. I had the hardest time pulling myself out of bed... See, I just don't know if I can do this..

 

I don't think I am as strong as all of you..

[SoCalCatman72]

Summer, it's an up and down struggle, but each time you slide down, you've got to pull yourself up just a little more. It's like that old math problem, a bug is in a hole 10 inches deep, every day he climbs up 1.3 inches and slides back .6 inches. How many days will it take the bug to climb out of the hole?

 

The point is, you will eventually be back up there, just keep looking at how far you've come, not how far you have to go.

 

Yes you are strong enough to succeed.

[SUMMER 1969]

I am trying.. I really am.. I just feel like a failer

[SoCalCatman72]

Last night I was watching CNN.. On there it had a story of how 25 to 30 percent of people have never been married and have never had kids.. I felt so much better after hearing that..

 

I guess things really do happen for a reason.. I know I miss my guy, but I also know he was not the right man for me.. I know I am a good person and I deserve better.. I just hope I can keep feeling this way.. Infact he called me yesterday and I told him I was busy and could not talk.. That took a lot for me to do, but I know it was One of the better decisons I have made.. He does not deserve to hear my voice or to know how I am doing.. He gave that up when he dumped me.. Its his loss, not mine..

 

*******

 

I think I will have my good days and bad, and today overall I am having a good day.. I am going to go and rent myself some movies, make a nice dinner for myself, light some candles and take a bubble bath.. Today is my day to enjoy life and to just be a girl.. Maybe I will get some wine.. That sounds pretty good too..

 

Yeah, I know we will get over this, I just feel so much better venting to all of you since I know you all know how I feel..

 

The book called " Woman who love to much " is a GREAT book!!! If you have never read that book, buy it! It expains so much..

 

If any of you know of any self improvment books please let me know..

 

I know I need to work on myself, I know I am pretty and don't have a hard time finding a guy, its just I fell for the wrong One yet again..

 

I know this sounds mean, but I really hope he pays the price for letting me go.. I really do! I hope he kicks himself in the butt about this!

 

Summer, these are not the words of a failure. These are the words of someone who will prevail. God believes in you and so do we.

[SUMMER 1969]

Thank you, I just feel like I am so moody.. One second I feel great, the next I am mad, then sad, and it just goes on..

[D-Lish]

That's just the normal emotional turmoil that comes with getting over a break up. The ups and downs will eventually even out and you'll find your having more ups than downs. Grieving is important, and it's healthy too. Would you rather be a person that could just walk away without any feelings? I'd be more worried about someone who could just shut down and move on without any emotions. Just as you feel love, you feel pain- and all the other crazy emotions that accompany breaking up with someone you deemed important.

 

Dragging yourself out of bed is important. It's hard to get motivated at first- believe me, I know. But keeping busy is the best way to move on with your life. I had to go on a buying trip today for my store- and it was a hectic crazy day today... but you know what? I barely had time to internalize the pain today. Keep busy- just do things.

 

The day after my ex and I broke up he bought a new motorcycle and another new dirtbike... He did this to take his mind off things- to make him forget - he just rides and rides and concentrates on his obsession instead of thinking about the break up. I know that I have to do the same thing. The difference between him and I, and you and your ex, is that we take the time to grieve- well they avoid. At some point, they too will hit a point where they can't avoid thinking about it either. Women are generally better at sorting out their emotional stuff... we have been taught that it is okay to cry and show emotion. Many men don't feel they are allowed to emote.

 

The worst thing that can happen if you let yourself feel is that you cry. So? Nothing wrong with that. I don't mind crying. But get yourself motivated. The more busy you are, the less time you'll spend thinking of him and what he is doing.

 

Personally, I don't want to picture what my ex is doing- or what stupid outfit he is wearing out on a date with someone else. Him and his small head and his eyes too close together. I can do better and so can you!

 

Haha. Picture the bad outfit....I keep picturing his beady little eyes.

 

Chin up!

Dee

[SUMMER 1969]

Your too funny...

 

Yeah I guess you are right, but in so many ways I wish I was able to just walk away from the reationship without blinking. As I know he is..

 

He is such a an as-hole! I don't even know what to say anymore about him.. All's I know is I feel so lost with out him even though he was never there for me.. That does not make a lot of sense to me..

[Rooster_DAR]

I go through the same crap, waking up in the morning expecting her to be there so we can grab breakfast and hit the garage sales or go for a drive in the country.

 

It sucks.

[SUMMER 1969]

Do you think by next week I will feel better? I want to call him so bad, but I am not going to.. I know that he would love it if I keep begging him to stay in my life, I know it helps his ego, but I am not giving in anymore..

 

I just hope he has not moved on just yet, I know I should not think that way, but I am.. I know right now he is at work and at 11 he is done with work.. I just keep thinking what if when he gets off work he has a new girl there...

 

See, I am obsessing over this! I don't know how to stop it

[D-Lish]

Yeah, the obsessing about it goes away. It just takes time.

I fluctuate back and forth, from feeling strong and glad he's gone then boom, I'm sad and missing him and wanting him back.

 

I even wrote him a long "take me back" e-mail tonight... but I didn't send it. I do that sometimes, just vent my feelings through writing, then I just save it and don't send it. Last night I wrote him a "I hate you, you're a loser" e-mail.... haha. I just save them in my drafts folder.

 

What do you like to do Summer? Do you have hobbies? Immerse yourself in something that you enjoy doing... it will make you feel better- and you'll be distracted. I like posting on this site- it's a good forum for venting.

 

But you will get over it. Have you contacted him recently? Do you call him sometimes? I've been guilty of sending little e-mails here and there- just a "hey, how's it going" kind of thing. I have to stop doing that and just cut all contact. It's not healthy for me to be doing that.

 

I almost pressed "send" on the take me back letter- but I stopped myself. Now I am glad I did. It would only prolong my agony. And I don't want him to send me back a "no way" or "I'm seeing someone" or worse...hear nothing at all and go on hoping. This sucks.

 

It's been more than three weeks for me- and I am still upset. I just want to get over it- you're right, that would be easier.

 

Roo! For me, it's not garage sales- it's Sundays.... Sundays hit me hard because those were the cuddling on the couch days.

 

Stupid Sundays....

D

[Josalina]

i go to bed and put my arm out to give him a cuddle, to realise he isnt there, i wake up and wonder if everything in reality is a dream, i work out the times he finishes work, wonder if his pattens have changed, drive past his house knowing he is footsteps away and realsiing i can't even knock at the door 4 a quick kiss and cuddle, i even miss telling him how much i love him and the way he used to stroke my face, the way he used to hold my hand and gently rub it with his thumb, i go for a walk, something we used to do together turn around a forget he isn't there, it is horrible i find myself crying about silly thinks like when i see this jumper in my wardrobe or make myself breakfast and there is a empty place at the table. i don't know if it will get better with time, but it is done for a reason.

[Buttaflyy]

How are you today?

[D-Lish]

Hey Summer, you feeling any better about things today?

Dee

[RecordProducer]

Thank you for the phone numbers, but if I call them, They will just tell me that I don't want to kill myself and I will be okay..

Absolutely not. That's not what they do. They are mostly older people, very patient and non-assertive, they are trained to listen to you carefully and ask you questions that will make you think in a positive way. They don't ask you anything private or aggressive, they do not give advice or insist on anything. I highly recommend these hot lines. They will make you feel better. They won't send a car to save you, they know that you just feel bad and need a shoulder to cry on. Call them to just talk. Start with telling them how you feel and why. They do it for no money and they want to help you feel better.

 

Right now you're very depressed and see no sense in life. but think about this: some day you will be laughing at yourself about this. You will love and be loved again. You mentioned that you're very pretty... do you realize how many guys want to be with you?

 

You know you are a good girl, smart and beautiful. You deserve the best. It's just that sometimes the best things come later. Life can be dull and the same for a long time and then suddenly change its path and lead you to something totally new and great. You WILL get over this jerk and you will find the right guy.

 

When my ex-husband left me with two little babies and no friends, job or money, I lived like a prisoner for years. I only had my mom with me. But the sun DID come out after the long rain, I re-married and moved to the United States. My life changed completely. Now I have the strength to believe that life will get you out of any inconvenient situation and the only important thing is health - everything else you can achieve by yourself.

 

Go ahead, sit down, cry, and feel sorry for yourself. Right now you're not capable of doing anything else so feel free to at least be honest to yourself and let your feelings out. Your strength will re-appear naturally and you will do something with your life. It's not over until it's over.

[Guest]

Thank you, I just feel like I am so moody.. One second I feel great, the next I am mad, then sad, and it just goes on..

 

That's exactly right. You don't get a nice smooth ride to healing. Instead, you're strapped onto a roller coaster and you go uuuuuuuuppppppppp and then back dooooo

wwwwwwwwwwww

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

 

and then - whoa - up you go again!

 

And you know what? When you go a week or two without an up and a down, you're just about over it all! But it will take a while, Summer. You can't expect to feel great right away - life ain't like that. But know every time there's a down there'll be an up coming later. And eventually there will be no ups or downs. So grab on to the bar and hang on - because the ride will definitely end.

[Great Gazoo]

Please take care.

[SUMMER 1969]

I hear what you are all saying to me, and I wish I could understand why I cannot seem to pick myself up..

 

All's I can say is that I am really trying here.. I just keep sitting here feeling sorry for myself and hating life..

 

I feel like a looser and a failure.. I try and try and all's I get in return is " sorry, I don't love you" or sorry, I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore"

 

Thats just how my luck is..

[Guest]

I just keep sitting here feeling sorry for myself and hating life..

 

Well cut that out. Go outside for a walk. Go visit lonely old people. Help a sick person by shopping for her. Join Meals on Wheels. It's the worst thing possible to sit and think about yourself all the time. Even if all you do is watch TV but that makes you forget about yourself, that's a better thing to do.

 

It's like when you have a headache - if all you do is think about the headache you feel lots worse. You have to get busy. Clean your house. Clean somebody else's house. Get a couple of part-time jobs. But DO NOT just sit there and mope!!!!!

 

I feel like a looser and a failure.. I try and try and all's I get in return is " sorry, I don't love you" or sorry, I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore"

Then they are the losers and failures - they fail to love you. Quit thinking that your only worth is as somebody else's arm ornament.

 

If you can't afford to buy books, then go to the library and borrow some books on developing self-esteem. Go to the library and read stories to kids. Do whatever it takes to stop you from hanging around your house thinking about your misery.

[SUMMER 1969]

I just don't feel like I have any energy.. I woke up today, took a shower got dressed and now I just want to go back to sleep..

 

I can't help it.. I was kind of hoping that with in a few days I would feel better, but I just don't..

 

Everyday I am just getting deeper and deeper into a depression..

 

I know people have it worse off then I do, I know I should not be sitting here feeling sorry for myself, but I can't even help it..

 

I keep thinking about my ex and just all the crap that has been going on in my life..

 

I try to think of the positive things, but I just keep going back to the negitive things..

 

I don't want to talk to my friends or family, I just want to sit home alone.. I am in a slump and I can't control the way I feel..

[Guest]

Then call a crisis line and ask for a referral. Somebody in your city will treat you for free or for cheap. It takes zero energy to pick up a phone and dial a number.

[D-Lish]

I forget Summer, how long have you guys been broken up for?

 

I'm at the one month mark and I seem to feel better and better every day. Sometimes I still cry, and I feel lonley- but I have begun to focus on keeping myself busy- projects at work and seeing my friends. The more busy I am, the less I care about wanting him back.

 

Did I tell you that my ex had this CRAY SEX FACE??? When we did happen to have sex that is... Well his eyes would almost bulge out of his head like a cartoon character! heehee. I just keep thinking about how much that used to freak me out and it makes me laugh and feel better.

 

It takes a little time to muster up the strength to start going out- but you have to force yourself to do it. Eventually you'll just start wanting to go out.

 

Dee

[SUMMER 1969]

Last Weds was the day we broke up..

 

I wish I could be more like you..

 

I am just not doing well...

[D-Lish]

After a week I was still a crazy mess too!

Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, could barely function at work. I cried constantly, I checked my phone and e-mail incessantly to see if he had written or called. I even started crying in the line up at the grocery store!

 

The point is- you can and will get over this. A week is still VERY fresh.

 

I am still missing him like crazy. I wake up every morning and think about him, and I fall asleep every night with him on my mind. BUT, I don't feel as awful as I did three weeks ago.

 

I try to use humour as a way of just making light of things- but I still miss him. Even though his eyes were so close together he sometimes appeared cross-eyed!

 

I just think about the good things about not having a man in my life. I don't have to shave my legs or arm pits, I only have to cook for one, and I can stretch out in my bed- even fart whenever I feel like it... although my dogs sometimes run away when I do that!

 

Seriously though- you will get better. Don't let this break up get the better of you. Don't do anything rash. Just promise me that if you start to get down and feel like you are going to harm yourself- post here, call someone, call a hotline. You don't want to die- you don't want to harm yourself- you just want to stop hurting. At the very least, you know that the hurt WILL go away- it really will.

 

A week is still fresh, just take it day by day- promise me you'll keep posting and look after yourself.

 

Okay?

Dee

[SUMMER 1969]

You are too funny Dlush! I have not smiled or laughed in a week, when I read about you farting and your dog running away is too funny! Thank you