Engaged for a year...still plagued with doubts...

[rochskier]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm just posting to get some opinions about the situation I find myself in. My fiancee and I have been engaged for a little over a year. The problem is that I find myself preoccupied with a lot of doubts as to whether or not this is the right situation for me.

 

I guess I'm not sure if I'm just experiencing cold feet or if this is a sign of larger problems. For the most part we get along and have a good time, but we have some pretty major differences about where we want to live in the near future and what type of lifestyles we want to lead.

 

I really need to get to bed, but I will be happy to provide more detail tomorrow.

 

Thanks all.

[tikigods]

those are both big things that you want to deal with before you get married! What type of issues are you ahving when it comes to lifestyle? Where you want to live can be hit or miss though, I never thought I would leave my homestate, but here I am three different state moves later living in AZ and loving it. Though we both have the same idea on what sort of lives we live

[rochskier]

those are both big things that you want to deal with before you get married! What type of issues are you ahving when it comes to lifestyle? Where you want to live can be hit or miss though, I never thought I would leave my homestate, but here I am three different state moves later living in AZ and loving it. Though we both have the same idea on what sort of lives we live

 

Hi tiki,

 

Well, one of the items we are facing is continuing education. I am almost finished with my Master's, and she wants to get her PhD. I want to hang around western NY until I have no potential tuition obligations to my employer. She grew up around here, and she is pretty antsy to leave the area.

 

She did her Master's in NC, and she has her heart set on returning there. I have no family, friends, or history down that way, so I am a bit reluctant about that move. It also means me giving up a job that pays a steady $65k a year and taking my chances in the market. I am originally from MI, and I would like to get back there since I do have family, friends, and a lot of history in that area.

 

In terms of lifestyle I feel that I tend to be more interested in an active, healthy lifestyle and more intense about the activities I pursue. I feel like this could be a source of contention in the future. I feel like if I don't involve her she will resent me for leaving her out. On the other hand I feel like if I do involve her I will feel held back/get impatient waiting for her while she will feel like I am dragging her into doing something she doesn't want to do.

 

There are some other issues too. Those seem to fall under the minor quirk category, but I am trying to get over them and love her the way she is. I don't feel like I'm doing the best job of that these days.

[superconductor]

The big issues, like moving from one state to another, usually don't present as much of a problem as the little "minor quirks" that you mention, rochskier. Reason being is that those big issues are usually topics for in-depth discussion and planning, while those little irritating quirks often never come up.

 

As well, what is a minor irritation one day can turn into a full-blown deal breaker another day. They can go from, "Please pick your socks up off the floor and put them away" to "You don't care about me because you always make a mess!" in no time. Or, "If you're going to be fifteen minutes late, please call and let me know" to "You're totally and completely disregarding my feelings, you don't even have the common decency to let me know that you're going to be late!"

 

So don't dismiss the minor quirks. They can be like a tiny hole in the dike which, if left unattended, can turn into a cascading leak.

[Walk]

Too true Superconductor!

 

It was the "minor quirks" that ended up killing our relationship down the road. Not the major problems. We worked through every major problem with great finesse... those quirks though.. Aaarrrggh! Drove me insane over the course of the years.

[rochskier]

Too true Superconductor!

 

It was the "minor quirks" that ended up killing our relationship down the road. Not the major problems. We worked through every major problem with great finesse... those quirks though.. Aaarrrggh! Drove me insane over the course of the years.

 

Wow...I guess I hadn't really stopped to consider that perspective. I'm at lunch right now, but I will post more details about what I consider quirks later today. At least one is kind of tied to the difference in our activity levels.

 

Till then, thanks for all the constructive advice so far!

[rochskier]

Just a quick update on some of the 'little things' that are bothering me about my relationship. I guess I'm trying to figure out if these are things that are shallow and judgmental, or if they represent differences in our value systems.

 

Two of the 'little things' that are bugging me relate to how she presents herself in public, and I think that one of them is tied to her more sedentary lifestyle.

 

The first issue I'm having is her posture. I've made a point to develop excellent posture over the years because it makes me feel healthy and confident when entering new situations and meeting new people. I keep my chin up, chest out, shoulders back, and tummy in.

 

The best I can say about her posture is that it isn't good. Her shoulders are generally hunched over and her tummy is usually protruding. I feel like it makes her look older and shorter than she really is, and I find it something of a turnoff. I've brought this up as nicely as possible, and the typical response is, "Well, I'm just built different".

 

The second issue that bugs me are her table manners. She tends to hold her fork or spoon like a shovel. Again, I'm probably being judgmental, but I find this a little offputting when we're at a $50-$60 per person dinner. Again I've tried to bring this up nicely, and the response I get is, "This has worked for me since I was 5, and I'm not changing now"!

 

These types of behaviors don't make me eager to take her to my office Christmas party to meet my coworkers and their mates. I guess I also don't understand how someone, who finished undergrad in 3.5 years and a Master's in 1.5 years overseas and plans to work in academia and possibly politics, can miss the importance of how you present yourself in the world.

 

If you're lobbying someone for a grant and they want to meet and discuss it over dinner, you could easily lose out to someone who presents superior bearing and manners. That's not fair, but that's the society we live in.

 

I don't feel like I'm asking her, "Turn into Heidi Klum or I'm gone", but I don't think it's too much to desire a partner that carries themselves like they care about who they are and where they are going in the world.

 

I walk around and I see a lot of women that stand up proud and tall, and it really makes me wonder why I'm not with someone like that. Is that an unreasonable desire, or should I be paying attention to these thoughts I'm having?

 

Thanks again for all the advice!

[ely]

How long have you been with her? Have you expressed these issues with her? YES it bothers you but maybe she is different and used to a different life style. If you love her teach her yours. I'm sure if she loves u she will take interest in what you like to do and learn from it. About the posture? Maybe she has low self esteem guide her and teach her and I am positive maybe in the future YOU will be surprised of what she will teach you. No one is perfect... Communication is the KEY!!! Bring her out of her shell and you will be amazed. Learn from eachother... Maybe she is ashamed because it's her first time doing this and do not put her down encourage her.

[insomnie]

It has always been my opinion that those "quirks" you speak of always make or break a relationship. We may be attracted to our SO for various reasons - intelligence, beauty, kindness, compatibility, etc. - but at the end of the day those quirks are what make our hearts move, what make us stay. After all, there will always be someone smarter, prettier, kinder, even more compatible. It's the quirks that make a person who he is.

 

Of course you don't have to love all her quirks, but you have to love most. What makes you fall in love with her when you look at her? Why her, of all the women in the world?

 

I think if certain aspects of her character turn you off as badly as your post indicated, you should not marry her. It's common to have cold feet and everything, but this sounds like more than that. I think if you were as in love with her as you should be before getting married, you would overlook her lack of charm, instead of fixating on it as you seem to be and comparing her to other women. Besides, I think her habits might be indicative of a different lifestyle and different values from yours, and you might not be as compatible with this girl as you thought.

 

She deserves someone who loves her enough to overlook her flaws, possibly even someone who will love her FOR them (I know I love MY boyfriend for his flaws...). You deserve to be with someone who steals your breath away.

[alphamale]

I guess I'm not sure if I'm just experiencing cold feet or if this is a sign of larger problems.

its a sign of larger problems. Trust me...been there, done that.

[kulyok]

You never said you loved her, and every line of your last post practically screams that you don't.

 

I wouldn't rush to the altar just yet, and if you indeed wonder why you are not with some other, more regal, type of lady, I'd break it up while no irreversible decisions has been done.

[littlekitty]

You never said you loved her, and every line of your last post practically screams that you don't.

 

I wouldn't rush to the altar just yet, and if you indeed wonder why you are not with some other, more regal, type of lady, I'd break it up while no irreversible decisions has been done.

 

Here here... no reason I can see to rush up the isle.

[rochskier]

You never said you loved her, and every line of your last post practically screams that you don't.

 

I wouldn't rush to the altar just yet, and if you indeed wonder why you are not with some other, more regal, type of lady, I'd break it up while no irreversible decisions has been done.

 

Yeah, I tend to agree with your thoughts. I feel like she's a nice, intelligent girl with a basically good personality and we get along well most of the time.

 

However, I can't really recall feeling a sense of excitement or deep satisfaction at the thought of spending my life with her and I feel like I should have those feelings within me.

 

I've also tried to listen to myself talking about the possibility of marriage with other people, and I feel like I don't sound like a person excited by the prospect of marriage. The more I think about it the more I feel that marriage might not be the best thing for me at this point in my life.

[insomnie]

Please please please don't marry her. You both deserve to be happy, and marriage will not make either of you happy in the least. Do you realize that by marrying her you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life attempting to meet her needs as if they were your own? This is tough in any circumstance, but impossible unless you have a tremendous amount of love for the other person as well as a desire to get married and stay married, which I am not sensing you do.

[rochskier]

Please please please don't marry her. You both deserve to be happy, and marriage will not make either of you happy in the least. Do you realize that by marrying her you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life attempting to meet her needs as if they were your own? This is tough in any circumstance, but impossible unless you have a tremendous amount of love for the other person as well as a desire to get married and stay married, which I am not sensing you do.

 

Thank you for the helpful words insomnie. This weekend I made my feelings known to her, and unsurprisingly it didn't go well. A big part of me feels like some kind of monster because she is a good, intelligent person, and she finds being with me very fulfilling. I worry about her even though her parents, brother and his wife, and a several friends live in the area.

 

There is more baggage that I should probably mention. My current partner was drugged at a bar and assaulted 3 weeks after we began dating. She hid it from me for about 3 or 4 months. She didn't give all the details about it so I assumed that it occurred when she was in college or overseas.

 

The investigation got seriously bungled by the local PD until they assigned a guy who actually wanted to do a good job 8 months after the event took place. This meant the perps had time to get their stories straight, no one could remember anything to be a credible witness for the DA, and the DAs lab 'experts' made a really stupid goof on their forms. The defense attorney was competent so he seized on this.

 

All of this happened between October '04 and '05, completely unbeknowst to me. We got engaged shortly prior to the trial, and I thought if I did right by her the rest would take care of itself. I wound up putting my job and my studies on hold for about a month.

 

I can remember several afternoons when court was short and I took time off work to look after her. Her brother and his fiancee didn't even make an effort to show up at court, so it was just me and her parents the whole time. The defendant had a ton of friends and family show up.

 

On days that court ran short, I would do my homework while she rested on the couch before dinner. The worst part is that the judge let the guy walk because the cops were incompetent, the DA didn't have a case, and the 'experts' weren't so expert.

 

So between all of this and my unfulfilling job that is slowly driving me insane I feel as though I am being hollowed out emotionally. I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to tell myself that she's a good person who deserves a better lot in life so I should try my best to make her happy, but these days I feel like I have nothing left for myself.

 

Maybe I should be in therapy? I just don't know anymore. I just feel empty except for a huge ache in my heart and a mouthful of ashes, and I don't pretend to have any answers on how to make these things better.

 

Thanks for reading...