First Post, Need Some / s

[Chris E]

Hey, great forum. I was just Googling and doing a search and this came up. Read for awhile and I am glad I found it.

 

Anyway, here's the story. My wife and I decided to call it quits back in late January. We filed for an amicable divorce, and we are still working on the decree. We were married for nearly 9 years, have a beautiful 6 year old daughter, house/pool in the burbs, good porfessional jobs, good and supportive families, yada, yada...

 

Our issues started when she got pregnant. I was in no way ready (I thought I was), and she had unrealistic expectations of fatherhood (her father left her when her mother was pregnant with her). Couple those 2 things together, and the preganancy wasn't a good one. I admit alot of that is my fault. Up until this time, we were great together and there were no unusual issues.

 

Subsequently, she messed around on me about a year after our daughter was born. I found out about it, and after awhile things were forgiven (I guess). We have had issues since this time, usually centering around her insecurity and both of our avoidance of issues. Eventually, we would erupt every few months and have issues that never seem to get resolved. We would just sweep them under the rug.

 

Eventually, we separated in 2004 and went to counseling. We thought we were better and I moved back in after 6 months. After that, we got back into our same routine, and this time she started drinking alot. Now, we both like to have a good time, but she was taking chances with the lives of others and I was having a hard time dealing with it. Note you are hearing one side of a very complicated story here; I am not an angel in all of this for sure. When 2 people are unhappy, they tend to not be the best they can be.....my wife is a good person for sure.

 

Eventually, (trying to cut to the chase here), we decided we should just call it off. For 2 months I was positive this is what I wanted. I think I could have stopped it if I had tried, but I was too hurt. Funny thing is, for the first 2-3 months we were apart, we still saw eachother and continued the sex, which was better than ever.

 

After a couple of months of this, I started having second thoughts. I know some of you may think the sex swayed me, but please hear me out. I started thinking about all we had in common, all the good times we had, our daughter....all the positives. Even thru our bad times, we still had good times. I asked her to reconsider.

 

She waffled and eventually refused. This hurt deep; I would have bet anything I could convince her because I know she still loves me. There is alot more here than I can type in one nite, so please trust me on that one.

 

After this, we would still talk, though not as much, and the sex ceased. I went thru days here and there where I was miserable (especially when I had my daughter), but I was getting better. Eventually, I met somebody that had alot of the qualities in a person that I like, ALOT of good qualities. If it wasn't for my position, I would bust it not to let this one go. We kept it distant until I decided I wanted to see what would happen in another potential relationship. I told my wife that I was moving on, because the whole time I knew that she had the potential to knock on my door some day, and I didn't want to hurt that other person....I would always give my family a second chance to work at least for the foreseeable future.

 

She was devastated. And, it hurt me that she hurt but I had my reasons. I was frustrated with her refusal to work on our marriage, and I was frustrated with the pain it was causing everybody involved. The whole time we have been apart, she has been on a non-stop party. I'm tired of being led on but ultimately shut out. I have been begging her to stop and reconsider, and for 5 months all I had gotten were mixed signals and road block. I gave her an ultimatum, so to say, either "let's work on this now, no more BS" or "F(^* this, I'm moving on and I don't want you hurting me or somebody else by wanting to work on it x weeks from now."

 

After about 6 weeks into this new relationship, I decided to end it...I just couldn't do it. I figured that out the first time we had (started) sex....I had to stop. I still love my wife and I just couldn't do it; I stopped right in the act. I'm sure there are some guys out there who think I am crazy, but love is a strange thing. You talk about a mood killer. Anyway....

 

I called my still not ex-wife 2 weeks ago and told her I stopped seeing that other person and told her I stopped because I loved her and missed her. She started crying, and said she tried to see somebody else but felt the same thing. I told her I missed her, and she said the same. We were both crying on the phone.....

 

Since then, the same old is happening. We talk, but she won't let it get any closer than that. I told her I would do anything to save my marriage....I am even continueing the counseling that we had started together because I know there are things I can do to better myself, either for her or for somebody else. I know I have issues, like everybody, and I want to at least try to understand where they come from so they can be controlled.

 

I have been having some health issues lately that have been bothering me; she suggested we met as a family last week and had dinner to take my mind off of things which was nice. That was the first time I had seen her in over a month. We went to lunch last friday. It was nice....no talk about the relationship.

 

She called last nite and wanted to come over to watch TV. After I put our daughter to bed, we talked a little, though not about "where do we go from here"...it was about a minor issue pertaining to how I kept things inside. I agreed with her opinion, and I understood it. And, it felt good to understand her position. Her eyes watered when she talked about it, I guess bringing out the old frustration and seeing me accept her position; my acceptance of her feelings as she perceived it was a big deal during our marriage. I held her tight, and we kissed before she left, deeply, several times. I could pick that kiss out of thousands.....I wanted to scoop her up and hold her tight, but I resisted; not wanting to push things. Hell, I was glad she wanted to come by. Earlier that evening, I was doing nothing so I didn't want to push my luck.

 

We are both free tomorrow nite and I asked her if she would like to go out or something. She said she would think about it......she is still thinking as I write this. She called earlier this evening asking about our daughter, and of course she was in a bar somewhere with coworkers, she claims. I was making small talk and asked where they were and she refused to answer. Very strange. She's in downtown Houston, and I am 30 miles away with our daughter. Why would somebody clam up from that trivial question? We got off the phone after a rather weird and depressing conversation. This is when I did the Google search for this site .

 

I do not think she is seeing anybody seriously, I would be alot of $ on that. I would also bet she will decline tomorrow; I have seen this happen before.

 

After this long story, what should I do? I know she loves me, but I know she is scared things will go back like they were. I have told her that is impossible because I don't want things like they were; we can do better.

 

I also knows she likes her freedom to do whatever with whoever, though she always had it (alot more than I did IMO) in our marriage. She may differ on that, but those are physical issues that can be solved with rules if people want to work on amicable solutions.

 

What is her problem? I can't figure it out. All the signs that she still loves and cares about me, yet the road block. I am conflicted here; my mind wants so bad to tell her to go away, yet my heart begs her back.

 

Should I try harder? Write letters pouring my feelings out? Flowers with a heart-wrenching letter pouring it all out? I have thought about that one. I do have pride, and I have allready swallowed alot. Should I leave her alone and hope for the best? Does she want her cake and eat it too? She knows I will be there, no matter how hard I try, months from now if some Mr. Perfect comes into her life and crashes out. Old Chris will always be there....in a way am I asking for this?

 

I don't understand;If roles were reversed with all of our history and the love that was there, and the effort she is making; there is no way IMO I could push her out like she is doing me. Eventually, I would fall for her again because I love her, and would work with her to safeguard and nurture our marriage to make it stronger once more.

 

Does she love me?

 

How do I make this hurt inside of me, which I thought I was over, ultimately go away? I hurt write now as I write this as much as I ever did.....funny, the first month we first dated in summer of 96, I pushed her away. I didn't want a relationship at that time. She persisted and finally left me alone; I flat out told her to leave me alone because she was pethetic with her calling and chasing me (I treated her like you would treat a child bothering you while watching the football game), though I know I did want her, badly. There was something about her; the smile, the happiness, the free spirit, the bubbly beauty.....there was something. There are more beautiful, and smarter, and have better peronalities. But, there was none like her. I had never fell for somebody that fast before. Even so, I had just gotten out of a year long screwed up relationship, I wanted some sanity for awhile. You know I had my walls up but I broke them down myself after a few weeks to get to this person I was crazy about.

 

A month later, I called her and she said she knew I would call. I told her, on the phone, I loved her (for the first time) and wanted to be with her, that she was "the One". We met in a park 30 minutes after I hung up the phone, I opened the car door, and made love like aggressive insanely horny animals in her car without saying a word. We both know what it meant. I don't think we were having sex daily for about the first 6 months, then we cut it back to about 3-4 times/wk. We have been together ever since. I remember that meeting like it was yesterday....I would do anything in the world for the chance to go back and fix the problems so we could get back to that time. We travelled alot, and had great times. Everybody knew Angel and Chris were in love, and would last forever. I would do anything to hold her close in my arms every nite before I go to bed, or laugh and talk together in the jacuzzi before we would make love in it. I know our neighbors have tapes, so no furture politcal career for me. Make love all over Mexico and the carribbean, and laugh and meet new friends we would never see again over margaritas and Labatts.

 

Thr first part of this post describes how we lost all of that. Maybe I want it too bad to come back, I don't know.....I don't know how I will be able to control it when/if those things ever happen again. There are alot of deep wounds and emotions buried inside, and it scares me a little. I'm scared of the high it would bring, because that MILE high scares me of the low that will eventually follow. Can I handle it?

 

Thanks for the time, and sorry for the length of this. Even so, this relationship is 100x more compicated that what I have written. If anybody wants to know more, I don't have a problem opening up : ). I just want the person I love more than anything to give us a chance to fix the best part of our lives....

 

Thanks again, and take care.