Friend pissed me off

[Joe]

Over a year time after time I have sat and listened to my friend as she cried over the phone about beign treated like crap, being hurt. Her and her boyfriend broke up a few times. Each time she calls me crying, I never say anything.. just listen.

 

Each time she keeps saying it's done... it's over. However, a week later they're back together. It happens again and again.

 

Quite frankly it upsets me that she keeps putting herself through this. It's obvious her boyfriend isn't serious about the relationship, however it seems she fails to see her.

 

Each time everyone showers her with sorrow. They take her out. Well recently they broke up again, again he was being an ass and said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her. Again she calls me crying and this time I'm upset that she puts herself through this.

 

I told her I think it's bulls*** and that I don't know why she keeps putting herself through this crap. I tell her it's obvious he isn't serious about the relationship and that I can almost bet a week from now they'll be back together.

 

She basically says she can't believe I said that and then said "I dno't know why I talk to you" and hung up.

 

I've known her for 7 years, time after time I have been there to listen to her problems. That's just it

[Laurynn]

How long has this been going on, her and b/f breaking up/problems/her crying to you about it/her getting back with him....months? years?

 

I guess I'm a fine one to talk (I too have problems walking away from deadbeats in deadend relationships), but I can totally understand your frustration. After you see someone going back for more and more crap from someone, it's hard to continue being "there for them" and someone to support them. Maybe she even thrives on all the controversy and chaos of breaking up with him...and all the sympathy that she receives from friends afterwards.....everyone feeling badly for her, wanting to help cheer up her spirits, taking her out, offering their support. I say this because of her rude reaction to you on the phone. It's like she EXPECTS you (and likely all her friends) to take her side, and to never lose patience and understanding of her need to keep going back to this jerk. Well, you chose to speak your mind a little (I don't think, based on what you shared here, you went overboard).....friends SHOULD be able to do that....afterall, they are at a better vantage point, and can see "the big picture" much more objectively.....

 

Plus..if she's the type to constantly complain about what a jerk he is to her, yet she goes back for more and more and more, after awhile it's difficult to even respect someone like that, no? Hard to feel sorry for them when they should have learned after the 3rd or 4th time that their spinning their wheels.

 

So how many times have her and b/f broken up like this? If it's been more than twice, or even 3 times, I wouldn't think twice about calling her up..or meeting with her in person...and telling her what you think, based on you being her 'friend' and you also being a 'more objective observer.'

 

Might be better to discuss it in person, cuz over the phone, all she has to do is hang up, like she did. That just gets nobody anywhere.

 

I'm sure she's likely hurting a lot.....and she's rather emotional right now, and quite touchy.....but still, as her friend of many years, you DO have the right to tell her what you think....and if she can't listen (like you've been there to listen to her all these times), then she's pretty immature and not much of a friend.

 

By the way, does she turn to you, more often than not, mostly when she's having these relationship problems?

 

L

[Joe]

How long has this been going on, her and b/f breaking up/problems/her crying to you about it/her getting back with him....months? years?

Well they've been going out now for a year. They constantly have problems, and even though they have broken up only twice - that I remember - still it seems they constantly are arguing about one thing or another.

 

He blows her off, he does stuff to her that I don't see coming from love.

 

Here'a a basic of our conversation today:

 

She calls me up, tells me that her boyfriend and her had a arguement and they broke up. I, finally tired of it said this.. and goes from there.

 

ME: That's a load of crap.

 

Her: What do you mean?

 

ME: You guys constantly fight, he breaks up with you for no reason. He makes you cry more times than I can even think of. It's obvious that he isn't ready for a serious relationship.

 

Her: Well that's why I am stepping up and ending it with him.

 

ME: I give you one week, you will go back to him.

 

Her: That's crap, how can you say that?

 

ME: For the fact that it always happens, you call me crying you say it's over then you make up. Why do you waste your time and tears on someone who obviously doesn't love you enough to treat you right?

 

Her: (said something, can't remember)

 

ME: If I were you I'd call it off, I'd tell the person to screw themselves and I would break off all contact with him. I would realize that the person didn't love me.

 

HER: So you're saying you don't have faith in me.

 

ME: I have faith in you, however when this continously happens every week that faith tends to fade away. What makes this time different than the other 20 times?

 

HER: I cannot believe you're f**king say that.

 

ME: Well, you're blinded by the fact that he is abusing you and using you.

 

HER: I don't know why I even talk to you

 

*click*

 

That was it. Her attitude pisses me off, for 7 years I've been there for all the times she has been hurt. I never once hurt her, I never once yelled at her nor mistreated her. I respect her more than I respect anyone else, she's my friend and I care about her.

 

And then for her to turn around and tell me "I don't know why I even talk to you" hurts me. It hurts me and it upsets me that she was so quick to say that.

 

I did call her back, but she said she was on the other line and would call me back.. never happened. She's not an easy person to get to go somewhere, she's constantly out and about and I want to talk to her face to face. I decided talking to her over the phone ISN'T going to happen.

 

She lives with her mom still and I don't wanna have a talk with her there. How do I get her alone and how do I explain where I'm coming from ?

 

She always talks to me when someone goes wrong. I've always been there for her. I didn't tell her that because I didn't care, I told her because I do care and tired of seeing that worthless sack of s**t tear my friends heart apart and I'm tired of seeing her get hurt.

 

I'm even more pissed at the fact that she's allowing it. Do I think she can break away from him? In all honesty, no I do not think she can blow him off. She can say she will, but I don't think she has the will power to do so.

[BeenThere]

There should be MORE friends like you, Joe!

 

Many people go to friends only to "dump"...they're looking for a sounding board and a place to put their frustrations. And as long as they get only "positive" feedback, will they consider you their trustworthy confidant. The minute you try to give them some honest advice or get so tired of hearing the same crap over and over again...and SAY SO...your put on the sh*t list for a little while. Not to worry; she'll come around as soon as she cools off. Let her pout for awhile. Eventually she'll realize what a 'real' pal you are.

 

Tell her if she wants some *honest* advice, and can't bare to hear it come from you, then she should visit this forum. No one's going to sugar-coat their feedback here!!

 

Over a year time after time I have sat and listened to my friend as she cried over the phone about beign treated like crap, being hurt. Her and her boyfriend broke up a few times. Each time she calls me crying, I never say anything.. just listen. Each time she keeps saying it's done... it's over. However, a week later they're back together. It happens again and again. Quite frankly it upsets me that she keeps putting herself through this. It's obvious her boyfriend isn't serious about the relationship, however it seems she fails to see her. Each time everyone showers her with sorrow. They take her out. Well recently they broke up again, again he was being an ass and said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her. Again she calls me crying and this time I'm upset that she puts herself through this. I told her I think it's bull**** and that I don't know why she keeps putting herself through this crap. I tell her it's obvious he isn't serious about the relationship and that I can almost bet a week from now they'll be back together. She basically says she can't believe I said that and then said "I dno't know why I talk to you" and hung up. I've known her for 7 years, time after time I have been there to listen to her problems. That's just it

[Miss Mojo]

hi joe,

 

this is the same scenario my sister has herself in at the moment. on again...off again...on again...off again. time and time and time again we have all listened to her stories of woe about her "boyfriend" and time and time and time again we have dished out the exact same advice. this relationship is like a broken record and her best friend and i have had a gutful of it. i kid you not when i say that in the last 3 years, they have broken up and got back together again at LEAST 20 times.

 

it has now reached the point where she dumps her crap on us every couple of months or so, says she will leave him, calls him names, curses him, hates his guts and doesn't talk to him again...until he rings her up and tells her exactly what she wants to hear to suck her in again for his convenience.

 

we have sat down and given her every reason to feel happy with who she is, explained to her why she's unhappy with who she is, how this guy treats her....we've dissected things a million times over and listened to her so many times but when he calls her again....

 

it has now reached the point where we have said to her, "the next time you have a problem with him, we don't want to hear about it". i know that sounds harsh, but we are not wasting our energies anymore by giving advice that goes in one ear and out the other. quite frankly, it has become exhausting. we have gone out of our way by offering advice, spending time with her and advising on seeing a counsellor. all to no avail.

 

unfortunately, some people are never happy unlesss they're miserable. we cannot change a person's self-esteem. we cannot force someone to see the light. as they old saying goes love is blind.

 

you did the right thing by being honest. she cannot expect you to be her emotional crutch all the time. you can only give so much advice to a person and have it ignored so many times before you have to let them make their own mistakes (over and over again). it is now up to her to change things because you have done all you can and shouldn't be expected to do anymore.

 

don't let her problems become your problems. you're a good friend to her and being a good friend also means being honest.

 

best wishes

[velvet]

Well I would let her sit and stew in it a couple days. Than if you have'nt herd from her, call her. Say something like "I'm sorry if I offended you or crossed the line. Let me offer you lunch". Than the two of you can get away from the parents and talk one on one.

 

Everyone has to eat and talking over lunch is a good idea.

 

When she starts to bring up her same ol stories about Prince Charming say something like "I know he has been on your mind & I would like us to have some fun today to take your mind off of him". Maybe plan on seeing a movie together.

 

Than if she's sucked into the arms of Prince Jerk Me Off once again and he pisses on her once again. Take advantage of the situation by having alone time with her. Don't discuss her r/s with her anymore. If she asks why you wont help her just tell her "to take a good look at her past with him". Than tell her "why would I want to help you go foward through hell". And "until it ends I cannot help you".

 

 

 

Over a year time after time I have sat and listened to my friend as she cried over the phone about beign treated like crap, being hurt. Her and her boyfriend broke up a few times. Each time she calls me crying, I never say anything.. just listen. Each time she keeps saying it's done... it's over. However, a week later they're back together. It happens again and again. Quite frankly it upsets me that she keeps putting herself through this. It's obvious her boyfriend isn't serious about the relationship, however it seems she fails to see her. Each time everyone showers her with sorrow. They take her out. Well recently they broke up again, again he was being an ass and said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with her. Again she calls me crying and this time I'm upset that she puts herself through this. I told her I think it's bull**** and that I don't know why she keeps putting herself through this crap. I tell her it's obvious he isn't serious about the relationship and that I can almost bet a week from now they'll be back together. She basically says she can't believe I said that and then said "I dno't know why I talk to you" and hung up. I've known her for 7 years, time after time I have been there to listen to her problems. That's just it

[Joe]

call her. Say something like "I'm sorry if I offended you or crossed the line. Let me offer you lunch". Than the two of you can get away

I'm thankful for your advice Velvet, but I'll be damn if I'm gonna apologize to her when I did nothing more than be honest with her. Every week when something happens every one of her friends pamper her. They all want to take her out, they feel sorry for her, and all this.

 

And each time something happens between her boyfriend and her she calls me crying. Quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her get pampered and showered with sorrow because of her own mistake. She is my friend an all, but I'll be damn if I'm gonna shower her with sorrow because she keeps putting herself in that situation by going back to him.

 

Her prince charming has pissed on her more times than I care to say, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her run back to him when she can end it all. She has a choice, but she chooses to the path of hurt and heart ache.

 

I am not gonna give her a load of bull telling her to stay with the little son of a bitch and talk things out with him. If he's not gonna love and respect her the way she deserves to be loved and respected, then quite frankly the little bastard doesn't deserve her and that's what is pissing me off.

 

She's better than that, and quite frankly her self esteem must be horribly low if she keeps going back to that sack of s**t. But quite frankly, I'm deeply hurt that she could even say such a thing to me telling me she doesn't know why she talks to me.

 

No matter how much I was upset with a person, never in my life would I ever say something like that to them, especially to a friend.

 

I've stood by that girls side for 7 year years as she went through hell and back. I have been there for her during the worst of times, I've gave her a shoulder to cry on when nobody else would listen. I always stopped what I was doing to listen to her. After all this she says that when I speak my mind. Yeah, great friend she is.

 

She's damn lucky she even got that phone call back after she hung up on me. I made my attempt, I have no reason on earth to apologize to her. Regardless, I did nothing more than be honest with her about how I felt. There is no reason for her to have said that to me then hang up on me.

 

I now question our friendship, if she even cares or if I'm just a backboard she can lean against when she has a problem.. but got upset when that backboard spoke his mind. If that's all I am to her, then quite frankly I don't want to be her friend.

 

I'm worth more than that, I'm better than that. I may be a quite type of person that hardly speaks my mind, but I'll be damn if someone disrespects me like that. She can disrespect herself all she wants, but she will not disrespect me like that.

 

I've been a great friend to her for the last 7 years, I will continue to do so... however she put a dent into our friendship and it's up to her to take that dent out. I'm not a weak soul, I will not be the one calling her now to look for an apology. She needs to do that on her own, she needs to learn her wrong and make it up.

 

I'm not gonna take her by the hand and hold it for her. If she wants honesty, the honesty is what she's gonna get. I'll be damn if I'm gonna lie to someone to make them happy!

[velvet]

You are furious, but dont let it get to you. People say the worst of things when their angry. No excuse, I know. But we cant change that of the world. But when you do speak with her let her know that "you dont accept the way she spoke to you or hung up on you". And also that you would greatly appreciate that she "not do that in the future". By telling her this than basiclly you will be training her to know that in the future you will not accept any appologies from her rude behavior.

 

Let her call you first but like I said dont discuss her r/s with her anymore. If she does end up going back to her boy fri. than there isnt anything you can do. She doesnt go back to him because she lacks self estem, she goes back to him because she wants him to love her. Doesnt mean that he will. His resistance for her may also may increase her desire to have him even more.

 

She loves him and she wants him to recoginize their love.

 

He loves the grind and the control he can have over her.

 

GoodLuck

 

 

 

I'm thankful for your advice Velvet, but I'll be damn if I'm gonna apologize to her when I did nothing more than be honest with her. Every week when something happens every one of her friends pamper her. They all want to take her out, they feel sorry for her, and all this. And each time something happens between her boyfriend and her she calls me crying. Quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her get pampered and showered with sorrow because of her own mistake. She is my friend an all, but I'll be damn if I'm gonna shower her with sorrow because she keeps putting herself in that situation by going back to him.

 

Her prince charming has pissed on her more times than I care to say, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her run back to him when she can end it all. She has a choice, but she chooses to the path of hurt and heart ache. I am not gonna give her a load of bull telling her to stay with the little son of a bitch and talk things out with him. If he's not gonna love and respect her the way she deserves to be loved and respected, then quite frankly the little bastard doesn't deserve her and that's what is pissing me off. She's better than that, and quite frankly her self esteem must be horribly low if she keeps going back to that sack of s**t. But quite frankly, I'm deeply hurt that she could even say such a thing to me telling me she doesn't know why she talks to me. No matter how much I was upset with a person, never in my life would I ever say something like that to them, especially to a friend. I've stood by that girls side for 7 year years as she went through hell and back. I have been there for her during the worst of times, I've gave her a shoulder to cry on when nobody else would listen. I always stopped what I was doing to listen to her. After all this she says that when I speak my mind. Yeah, great friend she is. She's damn lucky she even got that phone call back after she hung up on me. I made my attempt, I have no reason on earth to apologize to her. Regardless, I did nothing more than be honest with her about how I felt. There is no reason for her to have said that to me then hang up on me. I now question our friendship, if she even cares or if I'm just a backboard she can lean against when she has a problem.. but got upset when that backboard spoke his mind. If that's all I am to her, then quite frankly I don't want to be her friend. I'm worth more than that, I'm better than that. I may be a quite type of person that hardly speaks my mind, but I'll be damn if someone disrespects me like that. She can disrespect herself all she wants, but she will not disrespect me like that.

 

I've been a great friend to her for the last 7 years, I will continue to do so... however she put a dent into our friendship and it's up to her to take that dent out. I'm not a weak soul, I will not be the one calling her now to look for an apology. She needs to do that on her own, she needs to learn her wrong and make it up. I'm not gonna take her by the hand and hold it for her. If she wants honesty, the honesty is what she's gonna get. I'll be damn if I'm gonna lie to someone to make them happy!

[Joe]

Read my post below, this relates to it. Well, she hasn't yet called but I'm tempting to call and ask to talk to her face to face. However, I'm hesitant. I don't want to feel as if I'm dragging the issue on nor do I wanna upset her anymore. Though I strongly feel I did nothing wrong other than being honest.

 

Do you think I should press on and ask to speak to her face to face? If so, what should I say and avoid saying? I never been in this type of situation.

 

Thanks

[BeenThere]

Its your call, but since its only been a couple of days, I'd wait a little while longer and see if she calls. Who knows, maybe she's already back with what's-his-face. You must really care for her a lot to be allowing this to bother you so bad. And maybe she knows that...perhaps using her *silent treatment* to punish you, knowing you'll cave eventually. But I personally don't think you did anything wrong. Even picking up the telephone to call her is like accepting responsibility for her wounding ego. Do you really want to set yourself up for more whining and complaining...or excuses of why she's gotten back with the boyfriend?

Read my post below, this relates to it. Well, she hasn't yet called but I'm tempting to call and ask to talk to her face to face. However, I'm hesitant. I don't want to feel as if I'm dragging the issue on nor do I wanna upset her anymore. Though I strongly feel I did nothing wrong other than being honest. Do you think I should press on and ask to speak to her face to face? If so, what should I say and avoid saying? I never been in this type of situation. Thanks

[Bill]

I am in the SAME situation right now. This is funny, I'm wondering if I should call too. I am not sure also. It may upset her if you call right now, as she may need time to think about what is going on. On the other hand, she might just try to get back with this guy. However, to keep pressuring her to talk about something that is a touchy issue may put you on her bad side. Wait one more day, then call back, as this is what my plan is.

Read my post below, this relates to it. Well, she hasn't yet called but I'm tempting to call and ask to talk to her face to face. However, I'm hesitant. I don't want to feel as if I'm dragging the issue on nor do I wanna upset her anymore. Though I strongly feel I did nothing wrong other than being honest. Do you think I should press on and ask to speak to her face to face? If so, what should I say and avoid saying? I never been in this type of situation. Thanks

[velvet]

Go back and read it man!

 

 

 

I am in the SAME situation right now. This is funny, I'm wondering if I should call too. I am not sure also. It may upset her if you call right now, as she may need time to think about what is going on. On the other hand, she might just try to get back with this guy. However, to keep pressuring her to talk about something that is a touchy issue may put you on her bad side. Wait one more day, then call back, as this is what my plan is.

[Joe]

I did read your post and with all due respect Velvet, I'm not about to call her up a few days later apologzing for crossing the line or offending her. I'm not saying that out of anger. What am I to apologize for. "I'm sorry for being a friend and caring about you not wanting you to make the mistake over again by going back to him and getting hurt again".

 

Seriously, that could be the only apology I could give her. What if the few days to let her stew over it is to late for me to at least attempt to save her from getting back with the same guy who's hurt her over and over?

 

I am in a situation where I don't know what to do, not attempting to talk to her and letting it go for a few days to me seems to be the wrong thing to do for the fact you're allowing her ample time to get back with that guy which will then only piss her off more when we do finally talk because then i wouldn't be talking about an ex of her, but her active boyfriend again.

 

Seriously, I appreciate your advice and perhaps it's the advice I'm not looking for. And trust me, it's not going in one ear out the other, I've taken what you said into consideration before a bunch of "what if's" came into my mind.

 

The last thing I need to do with her is to come out looking like an a**hole or do something that'll only piss her off. I guess that's the real reason I am posting. Yes, I am indeed upset and hurt, and even scared of losing her as a friend.

 

I love her so much as a friend, I care so much. Here's my thing, she already said to me that I don't care about her and have no faith in her. What if she takes me not calling to talk to her the wrong way and thinks it's just because I don't care?

 

What if she thinks I didn't attempt to work things about because I have no faith in her? I hate those what if's and I feel by not calling you can send out the wrong messages.

 

I remember a saying that was told to me... "Never go to sleep with an unsettled argument with someone because who's to say you or that person will wake in the morning to finish it?". Why should this be any different between two friends? So again I pose my question.. is it a good idea to let it set for days? There's so much that can happen in those few days that could cause damage.

 

Whenever someone and I get into an argument and they don't attempt to make contact to try and work it out, I always feel as if they don't give a crap about our friendship. To me it would seem a person who tried to work it out right away cared rather than someone who lets it slip by day by day not attempting to work it out.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't even know why I should bother to be quite honest. I'm so hurt by what she said that I cannot believe I would even wanna call her.

[BeenThere]

...the 'knight-in-shining-armor' routine will not win you her love and loyalty. You've already tried that approach, and still, you remain nothing more than the fall-back guy. And yes Joe, I think there's a little more to your affection for this lady than you let on...

 

So far it sounds as if you have been nothing to this girl exept her 'toxic waste dump.' Haven't you been spoon-fed her poison enough?

 

Look, I can't tell from your post if this so-called friendship is only one-sided or not. I can only gather my information from the few short paragraphs that you supply. But the best insite and advice so far has come from YOURSELF. So I've taken the liberty to repost the answers you have already given to your own questions...

What if the few days to let her stew over it is to late for me to at least attempt to save her from getting back with the same guy who's hurt her over and over?

JOE:

 

Every week when something happens every one of her friends pamper her. They all want to take her out, they feel sorry for her, and all this.

 

Quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her get pampered and showered with sorrow because of her own mistake. She is my friend an all, but I'll be damn if I'm gonna shower her with sorrow because she keeps putting herself in that situation by going back to him.

 

Her prince charming has pissed on her more times than I care to say, quite frankly I'm tired of seeing her run back to him when she can end it all. She has a choice, but she chooses to the path of hurt and heart ache.

I am in a situation where I don't know what to do, not attempting to talk to her and letting it go for a few days to me seems to be the wrong thing to do for the fact you're allowing her ample time to get back with that guy which will then only piss her off more when we do finally talk because then i wouldn't be talking about an ex of her, but her active boyfriend again.

JOE:

 

I'm not gonna take her by the hand and hold it for her. If she wants honesty, the honesty is what she's gonna get. I'll be damn if I'm gonna lie to someone to make them happy!

The last thing I need to do with her is to come out looking like an a**hole or do something that'll only piss her off. I guess that's the real reason I am posting. Yes, I am indeed upset and hurt, and even scared of losing her as a friend.

JOE:

 

I now question our friendship, if she even cares or if I'm just a backboard she can lean against when she has a problem.. but got upset when that backboard spoke his mind. If that's all I am to her, then quite frankly I don't want to be her friend.

 

I'm worth more than that, I'm better than that. I may be a quite type of person that hardly speaks my mind, but I'll be damn if someone disrespects me like that. She can disrespect herself all she wants, but she will not disrespect me like that.

I love her so much as a friend, I care so much. Here's my thing, she already said to me that I don't care about her and have no faith in her. What if she takes me not calling to talk to her the wrong way and thinks it's just because I don't care? What if she thinks I didn't attempt to work things about because I have no faith in her? I hate those what if's and I feel by not calling you can send out the wrong messages.

JOE:

 

I've stood by that girls side for 7 year years as she went through hell and back. I have been there for her during the worst of times, I've gave her a shoulder to cry on when nobody else would listen. I always stopped what I was doing to listen to her. After all this she says that when I speak my mind. Yeah, great friend she is.

I remember a saying that was told to me... "Never go to sleep with an unsettled argument with someone because who's to say you or that person will wake in the morning to finish it?". Why should this be any different between two friends? So again I pose my question.. is it a good idea to let it set for days? There's so much that can happen in those few days that could cause damage.

JOE:

 

...she put a dent into our friendship and it's up to her to take that dent out. I'm not a weak soul, I will not be the one calling her now to look for an apology. She needs to do that on her own, she needs to learn her wrong and make it up.

Whenever someone and I get into an argument and they don't attempt to make contact to try and work it out, I always feel as if they don't give a crap about our friendship. To me it would seem a person who tried to work it out right away cared rather than someone who lets it slip by day by day not attempting to work it out.

JOE:

 

She's damn lucky she even got that phone call back after she hung up on me. I made my attempt, I have no reason on earth to apologize to her. Regardless, I did nothing more than be honest with her about how I felt. There is no reason for her to have said that to me then hang up on me.

[Joe]

First of all, I'm not trying to win her love and loyality. She's a great friend and I'm tired of seeing her damn friends encourage her to go back to this guy when all that will happen is her getting hurt again. If she's gonna come crying to be, she had better be able to accept my opinions and thought. I cannot believe you even saying that, what am I to do? Either she stops making it my problem by coming to me each time or she accepts my honesty.

 

I will repeat, she's my best friend.. or at least she is my best friend and that's all. Spoon fed her poison? the only thing she's been fed is a load of bulls*** to stay with this guy who continuously hurts her and makes her cry.

 

The only thing I'm feeding her is what she needs to hear and my honesty. She should be able to accept my honesty, after all honesty is a good thing.. right?

 

Quite honestly, I do not know why I feel as if you're trying to make me out to be the bad guy. How many guys can you say offers this much care for their friends? I care for each of my friend, whether it was a guy or girl they'd be given the same advice.

[velvet]

It's been a couple of days, go ahead and call her. She's had time to think about her hang up. Don't expect any apologies,consider the last couple of days to be that the heat of the moment has settled for her. Now she should be able to talk calmly.

 

Seven years is a long time to be a part of each others lives. Cherish what you have with her. Let her know that you want her to be happy even if you dont approve of her choice with this other guy.

 

You cant come btw them and you have no more advice to give to her about her r/s. If she asks. Dont comment. The only thing you can do is be her best friend.

 

If you cannot handle being a friend anymore, due to her r/s than take a nice long break from her. And when the air has cleared for you, you can reflect on the now and come up with your own decision.

I did read your post and with all due respect Velvet, I'm not about to call her up a few days later apologzing for crossing the line or offending her. I'm not saying that out of anger. What am I to apologize for. "I'm sorry for being a friend and caring about you not wanting you to make the mistake over again by going back to him and getting hurt again". Seriously, that could be the only apology I could give her. What if the few days to let her stew over it is to late for me to at least attempt to save her from getting back with the same guy who's hurt her over and over? I am in a situation where I don't know what to do, not attempting to talk to her and letting it go for a few days to me seems to be the wrong thing to do for the fact you're allowing her ample time to get back with that guy which will then only piss her off more when we do finally talk because then i wouldn't be talking about an ex of her, but her active boyfriend again. Seriously, I appreciate your advice and perhaps it's the advice I'm not looking for. And trust me, it's not going in one ear out the other, I've taken what you said into consideration before a bunch of "what if's" came into my mind. The last thing I need to do with her is to come out looking like an a**hole or do something that'll only piss her off. I guess that's the real reason I am posting. Yes, I am indeed upset and hurt, and even scared of losing her as a friend.

 

I love her so much as a friend, I care so much. Here's my thing, she already said to me that I don't care about her and have no faith in her. What if she takes me not calling to talk to her the wrong way and thinks it's just because I don't care? What if she thinks I didn't attempt to work things about because I have no faith in her? I hate those what if's and I feel by not calling you can send out the wrong messages. I remember a saying that was told to me... "Never go to sleep with an unsettled argument with someone because who's to say you or that person will wake in the morning to finish it?". Why should this be any different between two friends? So again I pose my question.. is it a good idea to let it set for days? There's so much that can happen in those few days that could cause damage.

 

Whenever someone and I get into an argument and they don't attempt to make contact to try and work it out, I always feel as if they don't give a crap about our friendship. To me it would seem a person who tried to work it out right away cared rather than someone who lets it slip by day by day not attempting to work it out. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't even know why I should bother to be quite honest. I'm so hurt by what she said that I cannot believe I would even wanna call her.

[BeenThere]

Joe,

 

You have gotten a wide range of opinions since your first post. Some have told you to go ahead and call...and you got mad. Some have advised you not to call...and you got mad. So what is it your looking for? A place to vent your frustrations the same way your "friend" and/or co-dependent vents on you? Do you have any friends who know the two of you a little bit better that you can confide in concerning this issue? Perhaps their insite might be of more use to you.

 

Look, you don't need anyone's *approval* to handle this situation any way that you see fit. But when you ask for people's input, than you've put yourself out there and should be secure enough to handle what you ask for, or at least process it in a rational way.

 

No one is making you out to be "the bad guy." I think, subconsciously, those are feelings you are harboring about yourself and they are now beginning to surface. Everyone here has told you, time and time again, YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

 

You are on your own with this one...you always have been. Do whatever it is you feel you need to do to get through this so you can focus on the more important things in YOUR OWN life. As of now, you've gotten too caught up in someone else's soap opera.

 

I, for one, wish you the best of luck and hope that things turn out the way you want them to...no matter what you decide. It's your life...SO GO LIVE IT!

 

First of all, I'm not trying to win her love and loyality. She's a great friend and I'm tired of seeing her damn friends encourage her to go back to this guy when all that will happen is her getting hurt again. If she's gonna come crying to be, she had better be able to accept my opinions and thought. I cannot believe you even saying that, what am I to do? Either she stops making it my problem by coming to me each time or she accepts my honesty. I will repeat, she's my best friend.. or at least she is my best friend and that's all. Spoon fed her poison? the only thing she's been fed is a load of bulls*** to stay with this guy who continuously hurts her and makes her cry.

 

The only thing I'm feeding her is what she needs to hear and my honesty. She should be able to accept my honesty, after all honesty is a good thing.. right? Quite honestly, I do not know why I feel as if you're trying to make me out to be the bad guy. How many guys can you say offers this much care for their friends? I care for each of my friend, whether it was a guy or girl they'd be given the same advice.

[Joe]

Wel she calls me up last night, we talk as normal then she brings it up. She said that she didn't appreciate what I said and I told her she may not have appreciated it, however it was my opinion and I was being honest.

 

What proves my point about her thriving off the attention and sorrow poured over her is she says "What I needed was you to be there for me to support me, you didn't have to tell me that".

 

So basically she got mad because I wasn't at her feet slaving her because she got treated like #####.

[arthropod98]

well, so what happens now?? is everything "back to normal" . . . well, until the NEXT time, that is??

 

if you can deal with this attitude, then it's fine. otherwise, you seriously need to have a talk with her about this.

 

the problem is, you never know how long it can really take to get to know someone and to see ALL of his or her sides, and that will more than likely happen at some point. you may feel surprised, upset, angry, or not care at all . . . but, hey . . . this is LIFE, and we're all just PEOPLE here!

Wel she calls me up last night, we talk as normal then she brings it up. She said that she didn't appreciate what I said and I told her she may not have appreciated it, however it was my opinion and I was being honest. What proves my point about her thriving off the attention and sorrow poured over her is she says "What I needed was you to be there for me to support me, you didn't have to tell me that".

 

So basically she got mad because I wasn't at her feet slaving her because she got treated like #####.

[quankanne]

tell your "friend" to get a life, and to stop bothering you. She sounds like an emotional vampire, only needing you when she's got problems, but not really giving a rat's ass about you otherwise. Why continue contact with someone like that?

[velvet]

Tell her that you will support her decision to keep trying at her r/s because you want her to be happy, but yet you cant continue to give her advice. She will have to learn at her own time if her r/s will work or not. No one can tell her what to do. She can get as mad as she wants towards you for your input of the whole thing but its not going to change how you feel about him.

 

And thats all you can do or say. You cant make her mind up for her. As you have already exhausted yourself trying to tell her she's better off with out him. Just try to celebrate your f/s with her.

 

If she has any respect for your f/s than she should leave her r/s out of your f/s with her as much as possible. You have made it clear to her that you dont wont to bothered by it anymore.

tell your "friend" to get a life, and to stop bothering you. She sounds like an emotional vampire, only needing you when she's got problems, but not really giving a rat's ass about you otherwise. Why continue contact with someone like that?