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[irish_lover]

Hi guys,

 

If any one is interested is the background to what has happened please read the other two posts by me. "am I stupid" and "Good news with a big LDR catch, need your suggestions".

 

Things have become a bit more complicated because everything makes perfect sense about our relationship and to be honest I am a bit disappointed in my self for not realizing it last year. It’s now clear why we had so many problems. She told me but I thought it was just girl stuff. She has some serious issues that cause her to go into deep sadness and mild panic attacks. She told me about this but I really didn’t see until now the full extent of her problem.

 

At the moment she is barley holding her self together, in fairness she is trying extremely hard and doing it alone, we had a very emotional conversation earlier this week where she told me what is going on with her. She has been hiding the extent of it from me and because we were always a LDR I never realized the full extent of it. When I spoke to her I only had to ask how she was and she blurted it all out, she has never done anything like that before, how she is scared to be on her own, afraid of herself loosing it, she has searched for help but in France it’s not possible for her to get it. There is nothing I can do for her, I can’t go and see her, it’s not feasible at the moment.

 

She says that she didn’t want to get me involved and see her like she is now. I have tried to end this relationship several times but we always talk for hours and sort the thing out. I guess the issue is about me being decisive, even though I really like her. The last collage year was hell and I have barley qualified for my masters. My results went from 69% average to 55% average and I failed a module.

 

I have erased all images of her, thrown away gifts and my family and friends think we broke up last week. I want to move on but now is not the time to do it, I should have done it long ago but I guess I loved her and I still do and I guess love makes you optimistic. We still talk once a week but I have gone from looking forward to talking to her to now dreading it. I feel how I feel but I feel that I have to look out over my shoulder because she doesn’t know what she wants out of life yet. She doesn’t burden me with her problems, rather she hides them and I just feel like a distraction for her.

 

Maybe that is what a partner is supposed to do but she knows that I love her, it’s obvious I have written her poems, and would do anything for her and she knows it. How ever the love has worn out because I don’t feel she feels the same, I know she likes me a lot but she doesn’t give, I mean like give me a call, we don’t text any more because she takes too long to reply some times 8 hours, that made me angry because it happened regularly. Its like this I feel that when we are talking or seeing each other things are ok but when we are not she forgets about me, even us.

 

It’s funny because it all makes sense now, I have no one to blame but myself and in a sense this relationship has made me stronger and made me realize to love ones own heart first and loving is good but to make sure you treat your own heart with respect by only giving it to people truly worthy of it. That way you stand a greater chance of earning and getting some one else’s respect and love anyway and at the same time feeling content.

 

Wise words or words of a fool, who knows only time will tell and what will I do. Sorry this might be a pointless post but just have to tell some one.

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