rvn10 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 well the title says it all, after been suspicious for some time my wife finally admitted last night she has been having an affair with an ex work collegue, It has been going on for over a year so its not a fling. It may be my fault as I did take our marriage for granted and we got in a rut, I just thought that was normal after 20 years together (13 married). Anyway my father recently died leaving me a house, it was recently put up for sale and a buyer found straight away. My first reaction is to withdraw the house from the market, it is after all a fully paid for retreat should it be neccessary. The thing is I don't want to leave the marital home, I have done nothing wrong, it would break my heart not to see my 2 kids every day. My feelings last night were that I could never forgive her or forget this so my marriage is over. Sorry for rambling, I feel like my stomach has been ripped out & I am upset just typing this Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 So sorry to hear this, rvn10. No, you shouldn't have to move--let her be the one to leave since she's already left the marriage. How old are the kids? What kind of visitation will you have? You have no desire to try to save your marriage? Does she? Come on here and vent, we don't mind. There's a lot of shoulders in here who will listen and help. One day at a time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 Hang that. She's the one who should suffer. If at all possible, fight her for cutody. She's the one who broke the covenant, and a Judge would see that..... It's no longer uncommon for the husband to gain full custody..... But first.....find out if this marriage is salvagable. It may be too late given the time this has been going on, but at least try. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 You need TIME... to settle down and collect your thoughts about what you want to do - for your priorities... Consider counseling... it should help sort things through... good luck, I am sad for you... Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 You need TIME... to settle down and collect your thoughts about what you want to do - for your priorities... I'm in agreement with 2Sunny. Give it, say.... three weeks before you decide on anything. You needn't commit to staying in the marriage in the interim, or anything else for that matter... until you're more certain of your course. It's a heck of a blow. Give yourself a bit more time. You might want to let your real estate agent know that you've hit a snag and you're not ready to accept any offers for the next couple of weeks. In the meantime, you might want to read a copy of Surviving An Affair. While I would discourage you from committing to ANYTHING until you've had a bit more time to process all the information... marriages can (and do) sometimes heal. For the sake of your family dynamic, I think it's well worth consideration. You didn't say what the circumstances were surrounding your wife's confession. Is she interested in repairing the marriage, or was she forced to it by outside influences? Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 15, 2006 Share Posted September 15, 2006 well the title says it all, after been suspicious for some time my wife finally admitted last night she has been having an affair with an ex work collegue, It has been going on for over a year so its not a fling. It may be my fault as I did take our marriage for granted and we got in a rut, I just thought that was normal after 20 years together (13 married). Anyway my father recently died leaving me a house, it was recently put up for sale and a buyer found straight away. My first reaction is to withdraw the house from the market, it is after all a fully paid for retreat should it be neccessary. The thing is I don't want to leave the marital home, I have done nothing wrong, it would break my heart not to see my 2 kids every day. My feelings last night were that I could never forgive her or forget this so my marriage is over. Sorry for rambling, I feel like my stomach has been ripped out & I am upset just typing this No, it NOT your fault, it's HER fault 100% for the affair. DON'T you dare take the blame! Link to post Share on other sites
Author rvn10 Posted September 18, 2006 Author Share Posted September 18, 2006 thanks for the input, the kids are 8 & 12. I told her that if we were to have any cahnce of getting over this she must end it now. She has infact now ended the affair, but to date though she has shown no remorse, she says she doesn't regret it because it was right for her at the time! She does admit an anger and hatred (?!) to the other man, probably because he has gone back to his cosy family with no upset. Should I tell his wife?I don't know if this is something I can get over, she fessed up because I found cards & text messages from the other. I have halted the sale already, I am scared that if I end it I will end up a lonely bitter bloke. Seeing the kids would not be an issue I don't think, infact I suspect my eldest son would choose to live with me anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Should I tell his wife?I don't know if this is something I can get over, she fessed up because I found cards & text messages from the other. Personally, I most certainly would inform the OM's wife. There's a couple of reasons for that. First and foremost is that Exposure of this sort makes it very difficult for the OM to continue pursuing YOUR wife if he's busy keeping his own homedeal going. Although there IS the possibility that she might pitch him out on his ear making him available to pick up the affair where he left off.... I think that risk is outweighed by the likelihood that the affair partners WILL resume contact at some point down the road if the marriages aren't properly recovered. Plus, it's just the decent thing to do. The OM's wife needs to know, and you're in a position to treat someone else the way you, yourself, might like to be treated. Bear in mind, that Exposure is NOT done for the sake of revenge. It's something that's done in an effort to protect your own marriage by burning the bridge leading back to the affair. Affairs are fun because they're SECRET. Well, it's not so much fun anymore when REALITY is introduced. Suddenly, people start to see you as an "adulterer", and the fantasy of replacing your spouse with someone else... ends up a bit fractured. Toward that end... you ONLY expose to people who are going to be influential with your wife in ending the affair, or keeping it from flaring up again. Your wife is going to go off like a ballistic missile when you do this. She'll swear she won't EVER forgive you, but in reality.... Exposure isn't as likely to end your marriage as much as a recurrence of the adultery would. The WS (wayward spouse) who goes on to reconcilliation does get over it, and for those who don't.... well, in the end, we really don't CARE much if they're mad at us. Give some thought as to who your best bets for influencing your wife in a postive way would be... then tell them all at once. Give your wife NO WARNING of this. It's not negotiable. Because if you were to negotiate over it, it would be viewed as emotional blackmail. Here's a recent thread to another guy where we've posted some recommendations for reading: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99132/ You might want to take advantage of those resources, particularly Surviving An Affair and "What are Plan A and Plan B. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Here's a link to DazednConfused's thread. He successfully recovered his marriage. I think observing him work through some of the emotions involved might give you a little hope for some light at the end of the tunnel. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/ Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Hang that. She's the one who should suffer. If at all possible, fight her for cutody. She's the one who broke the covenant, and a Judge would see that..... It's no longer uncommon for the husband to gain full custody..... But first.....find out if this marriage is salvagable. It may be too late given the time this has been going on, but at least try. I have to argue here. While she cheated on him and she's the cause of the problem they are now facing, it is NOT the children's fault nor should they be made to suffer for it. Visitation is so that both parents can see the kids. What's he supposed to do, tell the kids they can't see their mom anymore cuz she's a bad person? she did that to their marriage and now he's supposed to be a bitter jerk? Oh yeah, that the right attitude to take with the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Nobody said anything about not allowing mom to see her kids did they? I said he should fight HER for FULL custody which means, HE makes the decisions on when mom can see them, and not the other way around. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Nobody said anything about not allowing mom to see her kids did they? I said he should fight HER for FULL custody which means, HE makes the decisions on when mom can see them, and not the other way around. They are still the parents.... both of them. It would be a much healthier enviroment if the children were not used as pawns for revenge in any situation. :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 They are still the parents.... both of them. It would be a much healthier enviroment if the children were not used as pawns for revenge in any situation. :rolleyes:Geeezzz.....do you follow me around or what?? Have you ever posted ONE post without friggin' emotion cons???? I didn't say anything about using them as pawns either for cripes sake. HE SHOULD HAVE FULL RIGHTS, not her. What he does with those rights is up to him, and I would like to think that he wouldn't use them as pawns. But since SHE is the one who couldn't keep her knees together, she should be the one who does the jumpin' through hoops.....NOT HIM! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: angry much? bitter? have the need to feel like you are in control which stems from significant childhood issues? Anywho RVN if she does not have remorse I guess she left the marriage long ago. Sad for you, you need to make the best of it for you and for your kids. You cannot take on the responsibility for her choice to have an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 angry much? bitter? have the need to feel like you are in control which stems from significant childhood issues? Nah. Not really. I outgrew that a long time ago. I think I'm just hating people more and more for their outrageous accusations and constant mis judgements..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 Nobody said anything about not allowing mom to see her kids did they? I said he should fight HER for FULL custody which means, HE makes the decisions on when mom can see them, and not the other way around. No, you didn't say anthing about mom not being able to see them. hey, they aren't even divorced yet, why deal with full custody, etc now? Not all separations and divorces have to be bitter; why do so many people seem to think that the only good option in a case like this is to be more vindictive than the cheater? She screwed up, and I'm not defending her in the least!! Her attitude and actions are wrong. But if he drags the kids into this, its gonna get ugly real quick and the ones who will get hurt are them. RVN, do what you think is best for yourself in this situation. If the M is worth saving, or if you think it is, then we'll try to help you. Remember, this is only advice, not written in stone. Take and use what you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 The only reason I brought it up is because that seems to be the heaviest thing weighing on his heart at the moment. I wanted to offer him a little ray of light..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 I follow you, Moose, but you don't always need to use a sledgehammer to kill a fly... Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 thanks for the input, the kids are 8 & 12. I told her that if we were to have any cahnce of getting over this she must end it now. She has infact now ended the affair, but to date though she has shown no remorse, she says she doesn't regret it because it was right for her at the time! She does admit an anger and hatred (?!) to the other man, probably because he has gone back to his cosy family with no upset. Should I tell his wife?I don't know if this is something I can get over, she fessed up because I found cards & text messages from the other. I have halted the sale already, I am scared that if I end it I will end up a lonely bitter bloke. Seeing the kids would not be an issue I don't think, infact I suspect my eldest son would choose to live with me anyway YES, tell OM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted September 18, 2006 Share Posted September 18, 2006 I don't agree that it's a matter of revenge for a BS to seek primary ustody or to try to keep the family home. Why should the OP be relegated to a weekend warrior... just because his wife flaked out? She's the one who cheated. Let her be the one who's inconvenienced by it. Moose is right when he says that fathers are getting more and more rights these days. I know of several who have primary custody after divorcing an adulterous wife. While I agree that kids are best served by an amicable relationship between their parents.... we can't assume that a co-parenting relationship would necessarily be less than civil if the BS was the primary caregiver. What's more, I think kids have a better chance at learning not to cheat and lie.... when they spend the majority of their time with people who don't cheat and lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rvn10 Posted September 19, 2006 Author Share Posted September 19, 2006 this gets better, I warned the OM to cease all contact with my wife, thinking I could spare his family what we are going through. My wife however is the one that wants to tell her, she now feels angry & hatred towards him and thinks I am being too calm about the whole situation. I have never been one to shout and throw things so I accept that outwardly I appear calm and relaxed but inside I am seething. She even asked me to go round and smash his car windows!!. Needless to say I declined, not wanting to get arrested for criminal damage. I dont know, maybe here in the UK attitudes are different. Anyway we had a long chat last night, discussing options etc. She seems to think that she will remain in the house and me help out with costs as she has no job, she's holding my dads house over me as it is somewhere I can go. I asked what she thought our chances of getting through this and she said about 40% ( way higher than me I might add). She says we would need to start to have fun again, learn to love one another all over again, rebuild a sexual relationship etc (I forgot to mention earlier that we have not had any initimate contact for 10 months, boy did I not read the signs!!!) , I asked her if she could see us growing old together and she said at this moment in time no. After 2 hours I had had enough talking & said I'm not discussing this anymore today & put the TV on. She went upstairs, I thought to bed, but came down 10 mins later and sat down and said what she really wanted at that moment in time was a cuddle. I asked if she was taking the piss but I genuinally think she was serious. It was tearing me up but I ignored her and she went to bed. Please don't get into slanging matches regarding custody issues, they really wont be a problem, if we do separate we will have joint custody for sure. Anyway seems to be a bit of time difference so I will check in with you same time tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Lor Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 Sorry for getting off tangent with the issue of the kids. No, you are right not to get involved with her hatred for the guy, although I'm sure you do feel that way. And no one blames you for the feeling. Big question now is: Are you willing to try again? If so, don't move out. You won't be able to solve anything if you do. Everything right now will depend on if you can work past your anger for her over this. If you can't or don't see yourself being able to, then yeah, move out and move on. Try and make it as quick and painless as you can. If you do see a chance, but can't be around her right now, then yeah, move out and work on the issues you have--counselling is probably a good idea. Check out the surviving infidelity section on marriagebuilders. If you do see a chance and can try to rebuild with being around her, then you still should do counselling, both of you, and don't move out. She can't ignore what she did and she needs to take responsibility for it. But! Its a two way street; she wants to try and reconnect with you and now you have to be willing to let her and work with her on it. If you ignore her and put down her efforts, you're going to be right back at square one. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 If I had to guess by her reactions- as wanting to talk to his wife, and wanting to smash his windows then he dumped her. Link to post Share on other sites
Sup Posted September 19, 2006 Share Posted September 19, 2006 YOU need to tell OM's wife IMO. He may/or WILL do this to other married women, just think about that, YOU can stop him, possibly. Link to post Share on other sites
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