wife has admitted to affair

[Lor]

yeah, Mz.P, she's mad cuz her MM went back to his "cozy family". Sounds like she has issues if she's more worried about wrecking MM's life than trying to save her own M.

 

Rvn, you're wife may not be the best person to talk to OM wife. She had nothing to do with his infidelity and your wife is sounding rather unstable about the whole situation. How would you feel if the OM called you, ranting and raving, screaming, saying he's going to smash your car windows in (may be his car but its hers too). Its not her fault he's scum and she may not appreciate you calling or why you call but it's got to be better than coming from your W.

[rvn10]

If I had to guess by her reactions- as wanting to talk to his wife, and wanting to smash his windows then he dumped her.

 

 

No, my wife def ended it. I dont personally know this guy but I contacted him and warned if he tried to contact my wife in anyway I would tell his wife . He had actually had the cheek to thank me for being a decent guy, is he taking the piss ?

He since then has not tried to make any contact with my wife at all following my threat, don't ask me how I know, I am gutted that I have had to stoop to what I am doing.

 

The more I think of it I definatley think his wife should know what slime ball he is though.

 

Not sure about counselling, not something we Brits tend to go in for a lot.

We are talking and things are civil at the moment. My wife has just had a job offer and the first person she wanted to tell was me, she rang today whilst I was at work, she was really upbeat but I was just polite ,"yeh great- see you"

We have had along standing theatre break to London this weekend. My wife still wants to go, what do you guys think. I said if we still go it wont mean anything either way, in other words if we have the best weekend ever it doesn't mean everything will be ok and likewise if we sit in silence for 2 days that it is all over

[tlybrand]

What you are experiencing is not so uncommon and should educate yourself as to why this happened, and not make any drastic moves until you have gathered your thoughts. It is so easy to make sudden moves because we are hurt and in pain, but your descisions now will be life altering for your future. So step back a little ....and allow yourself to think things through clearly and rationally.....good luck.

[rvn10]

well its exactly one week since things came to a head. My wife still shows no remorse or regret at all. last night she said if I'm waiting for an apology or begged to be forgiven I won't get either. During the affair she was Karen (assumed name), not wife and mum and it made her feel good. I really don't think she wants to try and save our marriage. I myself am leaning more to moving out, even though I am the injured party, and letting her try the real world on her own. Although we have always pooled our income and every bill has been paid from a joint account, it has always been up to me to sort the finances out.

Is it still too soon for this decison to be made ? maybe some time apart will do both of us some good. I really could do with feedback on this weekends trip though, should I go or not???

I've also decided the OM wife needs to know, as I don't know her, and have no way of contacing her, the only way I can think off is to write her a letter, is this the way to go ???

[Ladyjane14]

well its exactly one week since things came to a head. My wife still shows no remorse or regret at all. last night she said if I'm waiting for an apology or begged to be forgiven I won't get either. During the affair she was Karen (assumed name), not wife and mum and it made her feel good. I really don't think she wants to try and save our marriage. I myself am leaning more to moving out, even though I am the injured party, and letting her try the real world on her own. Although we have always pooled our income and every bill has been paid from a joint account, it has always been up to me to sort the finances out.

Is it still too soon for this decison to be made ? maybe some time apart will do both of us some good. I really could do with feedback on this weekends trip though, should I go or not???

I've also decided the OM wife needs to know, as I don't know her, and have no way of contacing her, the only way I can think off is to write her a letter, is this the way to go ???

 

 

Just because she's showing no inclination to save the marriage and isn't expressing any remorse... doesn't necessarily mean that she won't later. It's still early days.

 

Yeah... it pisses me off just reading about your situation, but sometimes we have to go against the grain in order to get what we want. The easy way out of the immediate pain is to move out, but that's NOT what you expressed a desire to do in your first post. You said you wanted to stay in the marital home and see your kids every day. So... until you have a pressing reason to do otherwise, THAT's what I think you ought to do.

 

Have you read Surviving An Affair yet?

I think you'd really benefit from it. "Plan A" is your best bet right now. You can get more information on that if you type the words, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" into your browser.

 

If you've made a firm decision for divorce, then by all means... proceed. You've got an absolute right to do that, IMO. But if you're undecided at this time, take the path that leaves you the most options. That would be "Plan A".

 

Meanwhile, consider seeing an attorney and discussing your legal rights. Most people feel a little better after they've gained a good working knowledge of what to expect should the marriage end. I think you would too.

[FolderWife]

What is her reasoning behind not showing remorse? Were you abusive? Distant? Masterbating to porn all the time? Why did she feel that she had a RIGHT to cheat on you? What is her reason?

 

It is not logical for someone to go outside their vows for no reason. She has a reason->good or not-> for going outside the marriage for affection, intimacy, and fun. What is her excuse?

[rvn10]

have never been verbally or physically abusive. Guess we drifted apart and I stopped treating her like a lady and started taking her for granted

[Trimmer]

What is her reasoning behind not showing remorse? Were you abusive? Distant? Masterbating to porn all the time? Why did she feel that she had a RIGHT to cheat on you? What is her reason?

 

It is not logical for someone to go outside their vows for no reason. She has a reason->good or not-> for going outside the marriage for affection, intimacy, and fun. What is her excuse?

"good or not"? Semantic point here, but while there may be good reasons for being dissatisfied - upset, disgusted, whatever - with the state of your marriage, any of which would be justifications for taking action within the marriage, there are no good reasons for secretly going outside for affection, intimacy, and fun.

 

This doesn't eliminates the basically good question that FolderWife asked: "what were her reasons for straying", but while both husband and wife bear responsibility for the state of their marriage, the one who strays bears 100% of the responsibility for that decision.

 

And I can think of at least two possible reasons for not showing remorse: (1) she is amoral, or (2) as a defense mechanism against taking responsibility for something she realizes was wrong, but can't deal with yet. This second one is also consistent with her assertion that it was "Karen" - some alternate being - who carried out the affair, and with her extreme rage at the OM, as if it were 100% his fault. She isn't taking personal responsibility for it (and thus is not showing remorse) because it would be quite painful to do so, and if she can deflect responsiblity by blaming it on "Karen" and the OM, then she can continue to avoid the pain of accepting that responsibility herself.

[rvn10]

well we went away as planned, it was a nice time, we laughed, joked as if nothing had happened, now we are home we are barely speaking to one another, if anything we are further apart than before

[Guest]

dont leave the house.. stay with ur kids, shes not a responsible wife and i dont think shes gonna be a responsible mother too. Life for u must go on with your kids, jusst keep it kewl! Just pray and He'll listen. i'll be prayin for u and for the welfare of ur children. Gud luck!

[rvn10]

Well I have told the OM wife and now I am the bad guy, she says she did not want or need to know, maybe she's in denial or something but she is more angry at me than him! It does appear there is little or no chance of us repairing the marriage, I hate being in my own home right now, my stomach is constantly in knots and although I am eating & sleeping ok, I have lost over half a stone in weight in two weeks. I guess I need to resolve this soon. My wife states she will not leave the marital home as she has no where to go, i don't want or see why I should either but I do have the other house to go if needed, am resigning myself to the fact that in all likliehood I am going to have to be the one that moves out.

[Lor]

No, you're not the bad guy....MM is the bad guy and so was your W. Did you push them into it? No, you didn't. MM's W didn't want to know--who would? But she needed to know and now she does. If she stays with a flea-bag like that, that's her decision....at least you know she knows now, and no windows were broke in the process.

[Moose]

I'd boot your wife to the curb.

 

Since she couldn't keep her knees together, she can find her own place to live.

 

She should've thought of that a long friggin' time ago.....

[dgiirl]

I agree with Lor. You are definitely not the bad guy in this situation. It's not like you forced your wife and the MM to get together. You are only doing the responsible thing. You dont always get rewarded for doing the "right" thing, but atleast you can be proud of yourself for doing it. If the other wife doesnt want to deal with it, that's her choice now. You told the truth, and now it's up to her how she wants to deal with it.

 

As for moving, remember you have a choice here. If you do NOT want to move, then dont move. Dont martyr yourself. Take on some personal responsibility in this situation.

 

As for the weight loss, that's called the divorce diet I went down to a nice 96lbs for a while there and didnt really gain any weight until a year later. I was pretty nasty skinny and yet when I started to gain weight I felt really fat. Just make sure you continue to eat and get plenty of sleep.

[Trimmer]

Also, don't assume that the OM's wife's immediate reaction will be her long-term outlook. In the short run, things are heated and passionate, and based on fear and anger. In the long run, what happens to the two of them is up to them, and based on what the MM did to their marriage, not about the fact that you brought the truth to light.

[Lor]

As of this moment, MM and his family situation are no longer your concern and should be put out of your mind. More than likely her anger was a knee-jerk reaction to something she already knew or suspected. No one ever likes to hear from a total stranger that our S is a blood-sucking leche without morals.

 

Are you still riding the fence on trying once again in your M or have you made up your mind? If you need time to sort things out, to see if you could forgive her, your W should probably move out, even temporarily since it sounds like having her around is making it harder for you to make a decision. Is she still wanting to work on the M? You should not have to leave your home.

 

Geez, Dgiirl! 96 lbs? hopefully you're only about 5'.....I lost 8 lbs which doesn't sound like much but it dropped me to about 110 lbs at 5'-6" and as of a over a year later I've managed to gain a whole 2 lbs back and that's due to muscle from working on my house....yeah, yeah, yeah, I know; who'm I to complain, right? With my metabolism it'll take me another 5 years to get back up to 120 lbs....and I'd feel a lot better.

 

....and stay away from the liquid diets!