Husband's Constant Rejection

[Guest]

For the past couple of weeks my husband has completely withdrawn from me. We were getting along great, comunicating very well, and our sex life was great now everything has come to a screeching halt. He has shut down and completely shut me out. I am at my wit's end.

 

I honestly can't think of any issues within our marriage that would cause him to act this way. I have always been willing to bend over backwards in this relationship in order to make him feel appricated, loved, and happy. He has, however, been suffering from low grade depression for awhile.

 

Before this happened we couldn't even go a day without having sex and he was very attentive to me. Now I get no attention or affection at all. I am lucky if I get a chaste kiss on the lips on his way out the door. We barely spend any time together at all. He shrinks away from me if I go to touch him most of the time. Once and awhile he'll give me a quick little pat on the arm in return and I think he only does that just to get me to leave him alone.

 

I have tried to discuss this and he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong between us. He says he feels wierd lately but it has nothing to do with me at all. He refuses to see anyone over this and wants to just ignore it and me.

 

In the meantime, I am trying to be as supportive and compassionate as I can. I am an affectionate person by nature and his constant rejection is really starting to emotionally cripple me. I feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive.

 

I know some people might be wondering if he's having an affair but we are in an open marriage. He hasn't seen anyone in over a month now so I know that another woman isn't the issue ethier.

 

I love him to death and I can't imagine being able to continue on like this long term. Where do I go from here?

[PandorasBox]

I know some people might be wondering if he's having an affair but we are in an open marriage. He hasn't seen anyone in over a month now so I know that another woman isn't the issue ethier.

 

 

You don't know 100 percent for sure another women is not the cause of his depression. How do you know he hasn't developed an emotional bond with someone else? Thats common sometimes in open marraiges. I'm not knocking your lifestyle at all, to each their own. I'm just saying maybe thats part of his depression. Or maybe he feels he no longer wants a open marriage this but not sure how to tell you? I would continue to be there for him and be supportive if you can, hopefuly he will open up.

[Guest]

How do you know he hasn't developed an emotional bond with someone else? Thats common sometimes in open marraiges.

 

I have no problem with him forming emotional bonds to other women if he so desires. I don't think his problem is with another woman because his last relationship ended about a month ago. He would tell me if he started dating someone new because there is no reason for him to hide it from me.

 

I actually wish he would find someone to date, maybe that would bolster his spirits.

[JackJack]

I have no problem with him forming emotional bonds to other women if he so desires. I don't think his problem is with another woman because his last relationship ended about a month ago. He would tell me if he started dating someone new because there is no reason for him to hide it from me.

 

I actually wish he would find someone to date, maybe that would bolster his spirits.

 

 

You have got to be kidding me? What is the point of being married then? You don't care if he forms an emotional bond or love for another woman? You wish he would find another woman to date so it might lift his spirits? If it matters not to you what he does with othes or even forms a bond with another women, then it should matter not to you why is he is acting the way he is right? I mean if you don't so much as care about him screwing others or having love for another, then it shouldn't matter why he is depressed. I'm assuming you just don't want him sulking around you. I guess as long as he is affecinate with you all is well?

[luvstarved]

Well I don't think it is just a progression of a low grade depression, although I suppose it is possible. It certainly sounds as though something triggered this. Like the other posters, I would guess that he became too emotionally involved with someone else or maybe he no longer wants an open marriage, or possibly he is concerned about some external relationship that you have been involved in.

 

Either way, it isn't a very "open" marriage if he is not able to talk with you about this. I was in an open marriage at one time and it turned out to be a disaster. The open part wasn't at all about open emotions, feelings, etc. just mutual permission to cheat. I wonder how long you have been married and how long this arrangement has been working for you. He may find he is feeling jealous but doesn't want to be the "narrowminded" one or something.

 

You need to know what is going on. Can you think of any conversation that preceded this change? Perhaps something you said that seemed innocuous to you affected him deeply...

[typical]

I am only curious here,

 

I want to know why and what makes you so special, (or him) if you both form emotional and physical bonds with outside people? What makes this relationship work? What are you getting from each other that is special enough to get married if you can get the same thing from an outside source? If all the needs are fulfilled, what needs are you fulfilling? Just being there? Company? At this point, really, all I can gleam, from what has been said, is that it is a FWB with a contract. I dont see the point, I guess.

 

Unless it is a marriage of convenience?

 

I am just curious.

[SoleMate]

I would assume it's depression and start reading books about, "When Someone You Love Is Depressed". Also, "The Feeling Good Handbook". Try to get him to a doctor.

[Rooster_DAR]

First of all, having an open relationships I'm all for, but if you let the S/O bond with another person you are asking for problems.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I know some people might be wondering if he's having an affair but we are in an open marriage. He hasn't seen anyone in over a month now so I know that another woman isn't the issue ethier.

 

I love him to death and I can't imagine being able to continue on like this long term. Where do I go from here?

 

May I ask how long you've been married?

 

I'm curious as to how long such and arrangement can last.

 

You also seem to be nonchalant about him developing emotions for another woman. I really caution you on this aspect of the 'arrangement'. Do not underestimate the power of an emotional affair, whether it be with a coworker or a phatomic person online.

 

I would venture that he is emotionally attached to another person as the reasons for his cold, distant behavior. Especially because you mentioned that he is usually an affectionate person who does 'it' every day. I wouldn't chuck it to his "mild depression" - that's such a cop out.

[norajane]

Maybe he's sad about the end of his other relationship. Maybe he misses her more than he thought he would.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

May I ask how long you've been married?

 

I'm curious as to how long such and arrangement can last.

 

You also seem to be nonchalant about him developing emotions for another woman. I really caution you on this aspect of the 'arrangement'. Do not underestimate the power of an emotional affair, whether it be with a coworker or a phatomic person online.

 

I would venture that he is emotionally attached to another person as the reasons for his cold, distant behavior. Especially because you mentioned that he is usually an affectionate person who does 'it' every day. I wouldn't chuck it to his "mild depression" - that's such a cop out.

 

I tried to respond to quite a few of these as "guest" and they were never published, I hope this works... anyhow, thanks for your reply. I know our non monogamous relationship sounds odd to alot of people but I really do love my husband and family to death and would do anything for them.

 

My husband and I share the belief that human beings are capable of having feelings for more than one person. I used the term open marriage because I figured it was a term people would know better but the more accurate description is polyamory.

 

Nethier of us are jealous in nature and I never felt threatened by anyone he has dated in the past. He's been very attached to other women before and it has never caused any rifts between us or changes in his personality (in a negative manner). As a matter of fact, he tends to be happier and spreads that happiness around. It's infectious!

 

If he were depressed over the woman he stopped seeing a month or so ago he could always come talk to me about it and he knows that. I've nursed him through heartbreak before.

 

My husband has not ever been and never will be a monogamous person. He has tried it and felt that he was living a lie. If a woman were to want him to leave me for her he would likely ends things with her. (This actually happened once before.) Not just because he loves me and respects the boundaries we set within our marriage, but because he knows that means she's expecting him to be with just her and that's not who he is.

 

Oh, we've been together for 7 years and have been married for 6 since you've asked.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

I am only curious here,

 

I want to know why and what makes you so special, (or him) if you both form emotional and physical bonds with outside people? What makes this relationship work? What are you getting from each other that is special enough to get married if you can get the same thing from an outside source? If all the needs are fulfilled, what needs are you fulfilling? Just being there? Company? At this point, really, all I can gleam, from what has been said, is that it is a FWB with a contract. I dont see the point, I guess.

 

Unless it is a marriage of convenience?

 

I am just curious.

 

Our relationship is the primary relationship and all others outside that are secondary. What makes our relationship different, outside of sharing a history, home, children, and life together is that it always comes first. If I were with someone and I felt they were a threat to my relationship with my husband, they would be gone without a second thought. I don't care how attached I am to a person, my loyalty lies with my husband and family.

[luvstarved]

I guess I still don't see the point in being married if you are polyamorous. Why pick "one" when you are not really picking one? But you did mention "boundaries" and I wonder what they are.

 

Also you used the term never several times in your post. Never say never! People change...your whole original post was about a change in your husband so it is hard to say what he would never do or feel. Quite honestly I have known people who shared his philosophy and lived it happily until they did find their true "one" and then their philosophy changed entirely. Suddenly they were capable of jealousy. Suddenly sex was more sacred a thing. Suddenly they didn't want to "share". Suddenly they wanted to trade their "freedom" for an exclusive traditional relationship. I don't know what is happening with your husband but I have seen this happen to people. I have also seen this change come about as they matured and wanted a family, etc.

 

You have done well to sustain this type of relationship for over 6 years, and maybe you guys are truly more enlightened and well-adjusted than most of us. But I still think that what is happening with him is related to interpersonal relationships in some way. What I can't understand is if you are so open and always able to talk about this stuff so freely, why he would not share with you now? It is hard not to think that it is because it is something that you will not be happy to hear...whatever that might be.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

I guess I still don't see the point in being married if you are polyamorous. Why pick "one" when you are not really picking one? But you did mention "boundaries" and I wonder what they are.

 

We got married for the same reasons a lot of other people get married. We decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together and create a family.

 

Our boundaries are all quite common in non monogamous relationships. Always use protection with other people, no overnight trips unless you get your spouse's consent, if a person outside the marriage starts to cause issues within the marriage they need to go, ect.

[luvstarved]

I just wanted to say that I am not judgmental of your life at all and did not mean to sound like you need to defend it. It just really does amaze me that this could work over the long haul so I guess I have curiosity about it. Like I said I wasn't big enough to have this kind of relationship and it just floors me that it would be possible. Particularly the thought of just being able to punt a relationship when it caused issues in the marriage. I suppose if we were all secure and everything everyone would want this type of arrangement but I know it would be too emotionally difficult for me.

 

However, having said that, there does seem to be some trouble in paradise for you and I wonder if anything has changed since your original post. I would try approaching him again if not and tell him you are very concerned and maybe suggest that he see a doctor. A couple of weeks is a long time to consistently exhibit this withdrawal so I really don't think it is just a passing funk. You also said he has low grade depression. What has been done to treat it?

 

Again, my first guess is that he has emotionally attached to someone else to a point that he is not just willing to punt this time and doesn't know how to handle it. I mean you are so understanding and accomodating, what's to be unsatisfied with? But, what else could it be? I don't know. I hope you will keep us posted and I wish you the best...

[Ladyjane14]

What I can't understand is if you are so open and always able to talk about this stuff so freely, why he would not share with you now? It is hard not to think that it is because it is something that you will not be happy to hear...whatever that might be.

 

EXACTLY.

 

Look at where you are right now, Izzy. You're in front of your keyboard, trying to figure out what's wrong with your husband on an anonymous message board. What that should be telling you is that there's a breakdown in the marital communications.

 

You know, I've never even heard of an 'open marriage' that worked. Because even though the principle parties might have negotiated an agreement that ought to work.... the thing they don't factor in is that the third and fourth parties involved have their OWN agendas.

 

You'd be surprised, I think, at how many OM/OWs have a more traditional view on relationships, despite the fact that they initially agree to a non-traditional one. I think maybe you'd find it enlightening to read some threads in the OM/OW forum and get an idea of what kind of energy is potentially available for use in order to accomplish removing the married partner from his former committment.

 

Granted, we're not going to see a whole lot of successful swingers posting. We're going to see more folks who are unhappy in their role as a third party. But still.... all it takes is just one OW, applying the right pressure, and all bets are off.

[chaental]

i had this happen to me before with my ex-fiance. he told me his libido was down and didn't feel like having sex. he was not being affectionate to me at all, no kisses, no holding hands...

later he told me he felt like i was not being honest with him about people i was chatting to on the internet.

i was not doing anything but the sex never came back for 10 months. Then we broke up.

[Rooster_DAR]

i had this happen to me before with my ex-fiance. he told me his libido was down and didn't feel like having sex. he was not being affectionate to me at all, no kisses, no holding hands...

later he told me he felt like i was not being honest with him about people i was chatting to on the internet.

i was not doing anything but the sex never came back for 10 months. Then we broke up.

 

This was definately a case of poor communcation and trust issues.

[Rooster_DAR]

EXACTLY.

 

Look at where you are right now, Izzy. You're in front of your keyboard, trying to figure out what's wrong with your husband on an anonymous message board. What that should be telling you is that there's a breakdown in the marital communications.

 

You know, I've never even heard of an 'open marriage' that worked. Because even though the principle parties might have negotiated an agreement that ought to work.... the thing they don't factor in is that the third and fourth parties involved have their OWN agendas.

 

You'd be surprised, I think, at how many OM/OWs have a more traditional view on relationships, despite the fact that they initially agree to a non-traditional one. I think maybe you'd find it enlightening to read some threads in the OM/OW forum and get an idea of what kind of energy is potentially available for use in order to accomplish removing the married partner from his former commitment.

 

Granted, we're not going to see a whole lot of successful swingers posting. We're going to see more folks who are unhappy in their role as a third party. But still.... all it takes is just one OW, applying the right pressure, and all bets are off.

 

Any time emotions are factored into the situation, there is going to be drama. I do know there are open relationships that are successful, I just don't understand how they can do it and stay committed to loving only one partner.

 

I guess if I were in an open relationship, I would want my S/O to be somebody that I like a lot, but not somebody I am truly in love with. Basically, for me it would be all about a comfortable partner (fulfills my sexual and companion desires), and allows me to get sexual satisfaction from other parties. That's my reasoning as to why I agree with it. If I just don't feel like getting involved in all the crap that it takes to sustain a monogamous relationship, I am going to enter an open relationship.

 

roost

[IzzyisDizzy001]

I just wanted to say that I am not judgmental of your life at all and did not mean to sound like you need to defend it. It just really does amaze me that this could work over the long haul so I guess I have curiosity about it. Like I said I wasn't big enough to have this kind of relationship and it just floors me that it would be possible. Particularly the thought of just being able to punt a relationship when it caused issues in the marriage. I suppose if we were all secure and everything everyone would want this type of arrangement but I know it would be too emotionally difficult for me.

 

However, having said that, there does seem to be some trouble in paradise for you and I wonder if anything has changed since your original post.

 

Thanks again for your reply. It's ok to ask questions and I didn't take your posts as judgemental at all. I really do understand that our relationship raises a lot of questions and concerns from others. Most people that I have told about us are curious about it, so no worries. If you want to learn more on polyamory there is a great site called polymatchmaker which has articles and a forum that have discussions on the types of things you have been asking.

 

I just talked to his mother this morning and she says she has left him several voice messages on his cell and he never called her back. Which is not like him at all. She was getting worried so she called me. (We don't have a home phone just two cellphones)

 

I told her what was going on with his behavior and she told me that back in high school he was depressed and he quit school. (which I knew about, however, at the time when he told me about this, I chalked it up to angst ridden teenage hormonal issues) She told me he began seeing a therapist (which she had to drag him to) and was put on medication for a chemical imbalance. (I did not know about the chemical imbalance) She also said that for awhile he stopped seeing his friends and spent most of his time alone in his room. (I didn't know this ethier).

 

Now I am worried that maybe his depression is a lot worse than he led on and kept things to himself out of fear of being pushed into going to see a doctor. He has a wierd thing about going to see a doctor and has never been to one once in the entire time I have been with him.

 

I know I have to get him to go get evaluated but this is not going to be easy... wish me luck.

[IzzyisDizzy001]

I also wanted to add that we did have a good night last night. We watched movies together after the kids went to bed and he seemed a bit more like his old self. We made love last night for the first time in awhile as well. It may not be a sudden monumental change for the better but at least things may be starting to go in the right direction. We'll see.

[luvstarved]

Well, I did try the open marriage route and it just didn't work for me, I am too jealous!!! Tried it for 5 years so I did give it a fair go. That is probably why I am so curious as to how a couple could make it work...

 

Anyway the depression history sounds like a good news/bad news scenario. If the problem is a mere chemical imbalance, then hooray. However, if it is such a struggle to get him to a doctor there may be rough going for a while. Does he know about the conversation you had with his mother? I certainly hope that the whole issue turns out to be one that can be resolved with the right meds and that you are able to help him get on the right track.

 

Keep us posted and best to you...

[Tatara]

Before this happened we couldn't even go a day without having sex and he was very attentive to me. Now I get no attention or affection at all. I am lucky if I get a chaste kiss on the lips on his way out the door. We barely spend any time together at all. He shrinks away from me if I go to touch him most of the time. Once and awhile he'll give me a quick little pat on the arm in return and I think he only does that just to get me to leave him alone.

 

I have tried to discuss this and he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong between us. He says he feels wierd lately but it has nothing to do with me at all. He refuses to see anyone over this and wants to just ignore it and me.

 

I am coming at this from a purely emotional view. I am not considering that there could be outside influences to his problems because I think he would have discussed them with you if that was the case. That being said..

 

When he says he is feeling "weird" lately, I beleive it to be true. Depression (as well as many other mind-altering illnesses) is like putting on a pair of shaded sunglasses. The world just doesn't look the same to you anymore. His head could be playing tricks on him, attacking him with doubts and fears that are unjustified. Or he could just have no idea in the world what is going on except to know that while he is feeling bad your affection only makes him feel worse. I know that sounds odd, but you seem to have an open mind so I am sure you could understand it. Your affection could seem "unrealistic" to him, or because he is feeling so bad just the little bit of good feelings inside give him hope which will just be smashed later (best not to let any good feelings in, in that case)

 

During my trek to find out whats wrong with my head I've gone through many many books, internet documents, forums, doctors and pdocs, pills and many a looonngg conversation with my husband (I'm gonna wear that man out some day.) After trying to find the answer to my "weird" feelings for over 8 years I still have no idea what my diagnosis is. My husband is tossed aside sometimes as you are being tossed aside now (though rarely do I ever ignore him without explaining to him that I love him, I am just not me today - I am used to these feelings though, your husband doesn't seem to be.) It is new to him and when these feelings were new to me I did the same thing. I couldn't live without my husband, I am crazy about him. So please have faith that his lack of affection possibly has nothing to do with your relationship.

 

Since he has had these feelings before in his youth I encourage you to unearth them. Though his mother mentioned a "chemical imbalance" there is no way a doctor tested (in my 8 years I've never been tested for an imbalance. They tell you that when they hand you anti-depressants though - that it "balances" the imbalance. But it doesn't always mean he has an imbalance to balance.) if they even can test for that? Sometimes it can be life occurances, personality disorders (see borderline, paranoid or social personality disorders for examples on those.) or other non-mental illnesses or medication. Even smoking canabis or drinking alcohol can leave short-term effects that can feel similar to depression.

 

Has he started any new prescriptions lately? How was his childhood? Does he smoke pot or has he been drinking heavier lately? Basicly try to find anything that has changed. He has been fine for 6 years, which points away from a chemical imbalance (chemical imbalances normally don't take vacations). Its very likely that you can solve this without the need for medication, A doctor would definately be a better guide then myself in this case, but they prescribe anti-depressants without even listening. If I had known what I know now I would have saved myself the years of trying every antidepressant on the shelf only to move to the next step, still with no diagnosis.

 

Of course (With no judgement being tossed your way for your life choices) it could also be that in order to function in an open relationship for so long he may have mixed feelings, or it could have caused him to try to control his feelings - which make him not understand the real ones when they surface.

[DAlvarez]

I dont' want to be judgemental of your lifestyle, but I'm not understanding it all. I don't understand why the two of you were married to begin with... I know you said that the two of you wanted to "spend the rest of your life's together", have children, etc... What vows were shared at your ceremony? May I ask that? I'm just curious to know since most vows are taken in the presence of God and they usually include "And I promise to be true to you..." Maybe the two of you are not spiritual in any way, maybe you don't believe in God at all.....(that's a whole other issue that I wouldn't be capable of understanding) however, I'm just curious as to how "special" was your "special day"? I think the whole consept of marriage has changed drastically over the years and people have forgotton what marriage is truly about. I know that you have to live however you feel comfortable; I'm doing that as well. There are issues in my marriage, some of which I've posted here and I'm sure there are some people that wouldn't agree on my decision of trying to make my marriage work and being determined to make it work, but marriage is IMPORTANT, no matter what people today think or feel. And I believe that marriage IS sacred. I think that these feelings about marriage are imbeded within our hearts and souls and even if not acted on in accordance, they're still there. That could be part of your husband's withdrawal. Those feelings of importance, sacredness, fedelity, loyalty....could be coming out and he could be confused by this. By him shutting you out, when normally he is very open with you, would lead me to believe that whatever "issue" he does have would probably stem from "your marriage". I agree with the one poster who said (not a direct quote) that your husband most likely has something to tell you, and it's not something that you will enjoy hearing.

People are ever-changing.... Marriage is ever-changing.... It is possible that your husband has developed true feelings for another woman and the feelings of jealousy, fedelity, etc., etc. are coming out... or it's possible that those feelings could be coming out within himself and he's simply scared to talk to you, thinking that a change in your lifestyle would be out of the question.

I know there are probably points of my post that sound judgemental, I promise I'm not, I'm just very naive when it comes to an open-marriage. Something that I personally dont' understand and have no idea how two people that supposedly "truly" love one another can live happily....ever after.

Good luck and God Bless to the both of you....and I hope you both find peace within your marriage. I also hope that the doors of communication will open up for you again.

[ddw5195]

For the past couple of weeks my husband has completely withdrawn from me. We were getting along great, comunicating very well, and our sex life was great now everything has come to a screeching halt. He has shut down and completely shut me out. I am at my wit's end.

 

I honestly can't think of any issues within our marriage that would cause him to act this way. I have always been willing to bend over backwards in this relationship in order to make him feel appricated, loved, and happy. He has, however, been suffering from low grade depression for awhile.

 

Before this happened we couldn't even go a day without having sex and he was very attentive to me. Now I get no attention or affection at all. I am lucky if I get a chaste kiss on the lips on his way out the door. We barely spend any time together at all. He shrinks away from me if I go to touch him most of the time. Once and awhile he'll give me a quick little pat on the arm in return and I think he only does that just to get me to leave him alone.

 

I have tried to discuss this and he refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong between us. He says he feels wierd lately but it has nothing to do with me at all. He refuses to see anyone over this and wants to just ignore it and me.

 

In the meantime, I am trying to be as supportive and compassionate as I can. I am an affectionate person by nature and his constant rejection is really starting to emotionally cripple me. I feel unloved, unwanted, and unattractive.

 

I know some people might be wondering if he's having an affair but we are in an open marriage. He hasn't seen anyone in over a month now so I know that another woman isn't the issue ethier.

 

I love him to death and I can't imagine being able to continue on like this long term. Where do I go from here?

 

he is now having a problem with the open relationship thing? maybe there is a time when it was open for you and he cant close it for him. maybe he feels like the other flings (I guess thatis what you would call it??) not really sure and not trying to be ugly or make the words sound gly but not sure how to phrase the others that have been in the picture other than flings because you say you love only him. and he loves only you. wow confusion already..... maybe he has had an issue with the open thing and has changed and does not know how to tell you? I dunno. maybe I at least gave you something you could ask him.