Relationship with possible BPD- Why is it so hard to get over?

[fireflywy]

If anyone has a long attention span and eyes that won't bleed after reading.. here's my story... I don't know if she's BPD but she certainly has some things she needs to work through. And yes, she already has a new man since we broke up (4 months ago) and possibly 2 or 3 before that.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=845984&postcount=118

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=846015&postcount=119

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=846024&postcount=120

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=846116&postcount=121

 

Oh and Eazydriver.. she also wanted me go down on her when there were too little girls asleep in the room! When I told her I was tired, it was no problem and she backed off. A week later she said that she felt like she had no control over the relationship sexually and she pointed to that one and only incident because I didn't do that to her that night!!

 

Now I don't know if she had any pyschological condition, but I did my best. Part of me wishes that I could be the one to be there but the fact that she's moved is a big indicator of how much she truly felt for me. Even then, the way she reacted to things is an indicator that it would have been impossible to see through her issues. If you're going to be with someone like that, you have to have the ability to ask questions. My ex, even though she is in therapy and has been for half a year, was too offended anytime I asked a question about us. I can only imagine how she'd react to a question when you're trying to help. I did wish her the best though. As a human being with problems, I hope that she can emerge from them because in the end, we all deserve a little piece and happiness.

 

Coming to that conclusion, I know I'm better off. Trust me you guys, we're all better off. Wish them the best, make peace if you can, and just realize that you did your best.

[Values]

Diver012, when I saw your comment about her working with her sister a bolt of holy sh*t energy went down my spine. My ex definitely works with her sister everyday. But her dad is still alive, met him many times and I think he liked me pretty good. Without him and his money she would be nothing. Or maybe she would have learned how not to be a complete leech by now.

 

Maybe it is the same girl and she just lied and said her dad was dead. By my rudimentary calculations the other day I estimated that just to maintain her lies from say 03/05 to 03/06 my ex would have needed to tell at least 5 serious lies a day to her parent's, sister, me, other guy, friends, pastor, etc. Although 5 is underestimating things in the course of a day you could multiply that by 365 days and get 1,825 serious lies and made up stories, explanations, etc. All to people who love and care about you. She's sort of the winner in "trust" limbo. How low can you go? Does anybody else think it would feel bad on the inside that every where you went and everyone you met would be believing something that wasn't true? Sort of having no real identity at any time, ever. That's where I think the BPD can be a real illness and not psychobabble. Sure some people are just mean, but I don't think any normal, rational person who lives in reality could keep so many issues and fake personas straight. She was basically a con artist, like one of those pikers (England) or travellers here in the U.S. an entire existence built on deceit.

[Diver012]

Diver012, when I saw your comment about her working with her sister a bolt of holy sh*t energy went down my spine. My ex definitely works with her sister everyday. But her dad is still alive, met him many times and I think he liked me pretty good. Without him and his money she would be nothing. Or maybe she would have learned how not to be a complete leech by now.

 

Maybe it is the same girl and she just lied and said her dad was dead. By my rudimentary calculations the other day I estimated that just to maintain her lies from say 03/05 to 03/06 my ex would have needed to tell at least 5 serious lies a day to her parent's, sister, me, other guy, friends, pastor, etc. Although 5 is underestimating things in the course of a day you could multiply that by 365 days and get 1,825 serious lies and made up stories, explanations, etc. All to people who love and care about you. She's sort of the winner in "trust" limbo. How low can you go? Does anybody else think it would feel bad on the inside that every where you went and everyone you met would be believing something that wasn't true? Sort of having no real identity at any time, ever. That's where I think the BPD can be a real illness and not psychobabble. Sure some people are just mean, but I don't think any normal, rational person who lives in reality could keep so many issues and fake personas straight. She was basically a con artist, like one of those pikers (England) or travellers here in the U.S. an entire existence built on deceit.

 

Well lets take this another step further... My Ex has a teenage daughter and she is fourty. If I remember correclty you said your Ex was in her late 20's? Im not sure if that is correct or not... This does prove one thing though... theres a lot of messed up people in the world. If something seems to good to be true, it usually is. As I have said before in a few other posts, Cinderalla is dead. She never existed actually. I really do hope you forget about this woman you were involved with. Shes not worth the energy from what you describe.

[mike440]

I think it's funny the line in an above post about ex boyfriends forming support groups....I was friends with both my ex and her boyfriend, 'D'. When they were breaking up, I didn't know how it would all play out. At one point during the breakup, he calls me and says 'the way I normally do things when this happens is I move far away, so have a nice life'....I figured, well that makes the decision easier. Shortly after, I started dating my ex (which was probably her plan all along). After we broke up, my neighbor saw 'D' at a car show and told me....I called him and he told me that when they were breaking up, our ex said that I didn't want to be his friend, only hers, which wasn't true at the time (after we started dating, I guess it would've been awkward). Anyways, we've been hanging out....he said people at work were amazed at the difference in him after the breakup- much calmer due to the massive reduction in stress in his life. One of the big reasons I wanted to reestablish contact (even if he wasn't interested in being friends) was to let him know that he wasn't the entire problem in their relationship....she did the same thing with him- blaming him for the issues. It was definitely something I should've picked up on, and I think I did, but chose to ignore them....big mistake. So now we have a bit of a support group.....who knows, maybe there will be new members joining eventually....

Also, I agree that 8 months is quick to get engaged....I think one of the reasons she had problems with me was that I wasn't willing to stick to her supersonic relationship schedule. Like I said in an earlier post, she has been engaged twice before, one after 6 months and I don't know how long the other was, but it was when she was 17.

[johnnytable]

I think that one reason why it is hard to get over a BPD relationship is that you were in love with the image of somebody that likely didn't exist. These relationships are *incredible* at the beginning, but it is not "real" nor can they be maintained. The non wants this person to come back, but they don't because the person wasn't really there to begin with.

 

I'm sure that sometimes personality disorders are used as an excuse by somebody after being dumped. However I have a hard time believing that they are all "fake" especially after being in a relationship with somebody that I suspect had a disorder. Regardless of the label, the pattern and actions were certainly real.

 

I suggest heading over to www.bpdcentral.com and reading information there including the message board which is very very helpful.

[riobikini]

Good advice and info from many posters....and a teriffic link from Johnnytable, too! (> I see you're doing your 'homework', JohnnyT, researching and trying to find answers and healing regarding your own recent heartache). Good job.

 

As for Guest, a romantic involvement with someone with BPD is like the vacuum force of the super-size wings of a gigantic monster mother hen: they suck you in and nearly smother you to death with all that initial 'love'.

 

But it's the flip side of all that you never see until later.

 

BPDers can change mood and behavior based on the most vaguely significant things and attach great emphasis to the actions or statements of others, which may have only been said or done without greater meaning.

 

With most of the BPD people I have known through personal friendships, they seem to have this extraordinary underlying fear that their partner is always trying to leave them (or 'escape') -or have suspicions of their partner seeking (romantic) affairs with others.

 

The disorder, itself, contributes to the reason for that fear being present, the fear is predetermined- but I think it 'kicks in' when a BPD person is in a romantic relationship -is emphasized- and develops right along with the relationship.

 

Some of that fear and suspicion may be due to their past experiences with other failed relationships of earlier times when they first began to have dating experiences and may have had relationships that lasted for a time until the BPD behavior helped to destroy them.

 

I think (untreated) BPD people do -to some degree- have moments of clarity where they *know* their behavior is helping to destroy the relationships they form.

 

'Clinging' behavior is one of the key characteristics present with the disorder that I have noticed. Often there seems to be this emerging and ever-growing element of extreme selfishness where sharing their partner in simple friendship with others is concerned. BPD-ers are fiercely concerned with their 'territory'.

 

For the partner, it creates a controlling environment where he/she no longer feels 'loved' by the BPD-affected person, -but rather alienated from all other people contact except for the BPD partner.

 

As the relationship begins to break apart, and the realization of the fact suddenly hits the BPD-affected person, you're probably in for a roller-coaster display of extreme emotions: anger, pleading, irrational promises and behavior, and sometimes, even acts of violence.

 

With extreme cases of BPD, you can expect highly orchestrated manipulative acts to keep their partner in the relationship -(in women) everything from confronting the suspected new girlfriend, to purposely getting pregnant; (in men) suddenly making a proposal with ring in hand, to showing you the new house he just purchased and wants you to move into with him.

 

With BPD's control is important; it is equal to (their idea of) love.

 

And it certainly gives new meaning to the saying, "I only have eyes for you".

 

Hope this helps.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[mike440]

Thanks for the website link and feedback. Rio, the info does help, I think because it reminds me that I was likely closer to normal with what I was feeling in the relationship.....many of the issues you pointed out were present in this woman.....

[Art_Critic]

There is a wonderful book that someone involved with a BPD must read

 

Stop Walking on Eggshells Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

 

I read the book when my then wife (now exwife) was diagnosed with BPD.. ( that was before she was diagnosed as Bipolar later )

The book was an eye opener and is written for the person involved with someone who has BPD.

 

It helped me.. I also learned how to live with someone that was a BPD.. although it was the beginning of the end of the marriage and by the time I read the book I was ready to get out of the chaos

[riobikini]

(Smile)

 

Mike, glad I could help.

 

Just one other comment: I think that so many of us (especially, if we have been without a partner for some time) are hoping to find someone we can finally settle down with and that may be the reason we become distracted and miss some of the most obvious signs.

 

Maybe we're just too focused on the farther-reaching goal -the one closest to what all our own ideals and dreams regarding "The One" are made up of- to actually pay the required attention to the details that are often right in front of us.

 

So we miss those tell-tale signs in the first weeks or months of the new relationship.

 

Since most of us expect, at least a bit, of the heady, somewhat euphoric feelings that are characteristic of new relationships, the added intensity given to it from partners with mental illnesses are (at first) sometimes chalked up as being "par for the course" of new romance, or the effect of the phenomenal chemistry and personality style of the new partner's with your own.

 

It's not an easy call to make when you're just getting to know someone -all the stunning answers lie somewhere down the road.

 

And no one should beat themselves up over being sucked in by the promise of happiness -that's something we're all chasing- and most of the time, it's very worthwhile.

 

Complimentary advice? use your brain, trust your gut -and from that, let your heart to form it's own opinions.

 

(It will, anyway).

 

(Smile)

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[Mz. Pixie]

Can I also add that just because someone lies or cheats on your or has emotional issues it does not make them BPD!!

 

My mother was BPD- fully narcassistic- and although some of what you have described here matches it, not all of it does.

 

Rio had some good points in her post though. They are so hard to get over/leave because they continually pull you back in. They are remarkably good actors/actresses who can fool almost anyone into thinking they are a certain way (whatever they think will win you over) until you get to know them.

 

The rages?? Out of control.

 

The splitting?? In other words- you're all good or all bad.

 

Not just lying but rewriting the truth- when you know it to be the truth. You are actually there and know it happened a certain way- and when they retell the story- TO YOU- they paint themselves in a different light.

 

They have no empathy. NONE. You cannot possibly figure them out because there are no rational explanations of why they do what they do. You can sit around and just spend your time wondering about it but you're not ever going to get there. Because as normal people we can't fathom doing the things that they do- without guilt.

 

Art recommended a good book- and the bpdcentral website rocks too.

 

But seriously, unless a therapist has told either them or you that they are BPD let's try to not run around and say that they are. Because just being a plain crappy person does not make you BPD. These are sadistic, manipulative, unfeeling creatures.

 

The best place you can be is away from them, period. You have that ability if you're not married to them or one of them is not your parent. If you're dating you can just walk away easier. Some of us have been forced to deal with them, but since you don't have to- you should make a fast escape!

[riobikini]

re:

 

ArtCritic: " ....I read the book when my then wife (now exwife) was diagnosed with BPD.. ( that was before she was diagnosed as Bipolar later )..."

 

 

The later relabeling: that's precisely what confuses these diagnoses (mostly with lay people), even though it's meant to more clearly define them.

 

Just a few years ago (muse: at least it doesn't seem that long...smile) these illnesses were never mentioned in the same terms they are presently.

 

Back then, Bipolar was referred to as "Manic Depression". Of course, it was Bipolar Illness, but keep in mind that the field of psychiatry is still growing in knowledge from research by leaps and bounds.

 

With the ever more defining, hair-splitting trend of things, theoretically, we could have another ten or fifteen 'new' psychiatric-related (relabled) illnesses added to the great list in the next 5 years if we blink.

 

If you were to ask 10 people what BPD is, you'd get a lot of deer-caught-in-headlights looks, even now. It's 'new' -and it's definition is subject to being 'improved' sometime future. Just as many of these illnesses are.

 

I think discussion of objective symptoms in behavior in regards to what others see in those affected by some apparent mental disorder or illness, can be extremely helpful -the sharing of first-hand information is valuable and may spur futher personal investigation about the topic to encourage someone into treatment- but I think that, unless we have some idea of what sets the criteria -even for lay people- for the illness, we're just throwing out information that stands a good chance of becoming more confusing for someone.

 

So I agree with Art's suggestion of reading helpful material, as well as Mz Pixie's comment that we should focus error on the side of caution.

 

Relating personal experiences with these illnesses (along with our observations) is about the best we can do.

 

And I'm very glad this site is available for just that, -and thanks to you all.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Values]

Can I also add that just because someone lies or cheats on your or has emotional issues it does not make them BPD!!

 

My mother was BPD- fully narcassistic- and although some of what you have described here matches it, not all of it does.

 

Rio had some good points in her post though. They are so hard to get over/leave because they continually pull you back in. They are remarkably good actors/actresses who can fool almost anyone into thinking they are a certain way (whatever they think will win you over) until you get to know them.

 

The rages?? Out of control.

 

The splitting?? In other words- you're all good or all bad.

 

Not just lying but rewriting the truth- when you know it to be the truth. You are actually there and know it happened a certain way- and when they retell the story- TO YOU- they paint themselves in a different light.

 

They have no empathy. NONE. You cannot possibly figure them out because there are no rational explanations of why they do what they do. You can sit around and just spend your time wondering about it but you're not ever going to get there. Because as normal people we can't fathom doing the things that they do- without guilt.

 

Art recommended a good book- and the bpdcentral website rocks too.

 

But seriously, unless a therapist has told either them or you that they are BPD let's try to not run around and say that they are. Because just being a plain crappy person does not make you BPD. These are sadistic, manipulative, unfeeling creatures.

 

The best place you can be is away from them, period. You have that ability if you're not married to them or one of them is not your parent. If you're dating you can just walk away easier. Some of us have been forced to deal with them, but since you don't have to- you should make a fast escape!

 

Holy Sh*t, this describes my ex-girlfriend perfectly. BPD-narcissist. I agree that there can be a lot of incorrect labeling. Here's a fact about my ex-gf that may help some others out.... There's not a single person, not even one person, who knows the whole truth about her. I had to find out lots of stuff through the research of putting my life back together. Oh man, the lies I uncovered for myself and others. Not a single person got the same story from her that another might get - on a daily basis. Total disassociation with reality 24/7, and she made up more lies when the old ones were stretched thin. The bf's would just leave her alone eventually and her parent's, sister, etc. don't care enough to truly help out. Yes, they "know" what they are doing is wrong, but they don't feel remorse, they only fear (a little) getting found out. It's amazing when I think of the number of people my ex has known that now hate or strongly dislike her with good reasons. I can't think of anyone I've ever known who would say they hate me. The same goes for my friends and most people in general. Unfortunately, for my ex there are 3 kinds of people in the world...those that hate her, those that are currently believing her lies, and those that have yet to meet her. And she's engaged now to someone she's known about 8 months. Do these people change ever?

[burning 4 revenge]

Maybe drop the woe is me vicitm schtick long enough to examine why in the hell you'd fall for someone you've described as a loony parasite? Is it perhaps that she was charismatic and unpredictable and that you're just one of those guys who says he wants one but is secretly bored silly by "nice girls," and is really only attracted to needy/volatile women who, while they may be many things, are NEVER boring

 

OMG, that was like a drop-kick to my face. Way too true IMO

[burning 4 revenge]

I wonder if Messalina the wife of Claudius and Julia the daughter of Augustus had BPD. I think an argument can be made that they did.

 

Hmmm....I feel a book coming on

[riobikini]

re:

 

Values: "...And she's engaged now to someone she's known about 8 months. Do these people change ever?.."

 

Do they change? That's still a big question.

 

The BPD'ers I have known have not been able to totally eliminate many of their basic tendancies, despite treatment. From what I know, I do not believe it's possible to eradicate the disorder -it's an illness you can't just decide to one day detach from, start over with a clean slate, completely free from all symptoms of the disorder, and suddenly be 'normal'- it doesn't just disappear.

 

That's not to say treatment doesn't exist to lessen many of the symptoms (behavior).

 

Like other chronic mental illnesses and disorders, it's something you must live with, allowing treatment to build or restore some degree of quality of life.

 

It's difficult, when you consider the damaging actions of BPD'ers, to feel sympathy for them -especially if they happen to be a parent or someone very close.

 

The behavior is often so controlling, histrionic, and entangled in such a web of distorted truth that it's exhausting, disheartening, and even frightening to be in such frequent contact.

 

Over time, a great deal of resentment can build up in those who are in closest contact with the BPD-affected person due to having to constantly deal with the behavior. Close and frequent contact with anyone living with such a illness -even for the strongest, most stable person- has the ability to entrap, penetrate, and negatively affect those with healthy minds.

 

Support groups are essential for anyone who cannot remove him/herself from the circumstances.

 

For anyone who finds himself unable to maintain reasonable stability in dealing with the disorder and can leave the circumstances, Mz Pixie gives good advice: Get the hell out!

 

Leave the responsibilities of healing to the professionals.

 

Hope this gives further insight into BPD, and a few more answers in dealing with it.

 

BTW: extremely good discussionhere on this subject.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[mike440]

I think the answer to 'do they ever change' is yes, for as long as they don't feel empty inside, then it's back to the same old ways. If BPD's always acted the same way, why would anyone get involved with them in the first place? I don't think they change on purpose- I think once the gleam of a new relationship wears off, they no longer feel full of love. Since they need an external source of love, and their partner was it, they don't understand what happened, so the problem must be that you no longer love them and they look elsewhere.....the solution is for them to find love within themselves, which is easier said than done.

[riobikini]

Mike, you may have a point regarding the unsatisfactory, or empty feeling inside that most BPD'ers say they feel which seems to lessen some, in some cases, when a new relationship is in its early stages and those feelings of emptiness are being presently satisfied with an object of fulfilment.

 

But I think we may be being misled by the notion that, during a 'slowing down' of the symptoms, the illness is 'all better'.

 

In addition, I think it is never a good idea to look at the formation of relationships as the 'medicine' needed to heal mental illnesses and disorders, although stable, understanding alliances are certainly wished for and helpful.

 

I think the 'empty' feeling is a common symptom, and is depicted in Values' statement about his ex-girlfriend's hasty transition into a new relationship and proceeding fast with the engagement.

 

Not surprising with BPD'ers, it's actually par for the course.

 

BPD'ers seem to become involved in one relationship after another, with virtually no waiting -that is- after the extreme storm of emotions that usually follow a breakup.

 

To me, in seeking yet, another new relationship, (and in all their relationships of all kinds) they seem to be seeking validation of their self-worth, and acceptance by someone else of their idea of the 'correct' version of truth and reality, which provides a sort of comfort. Distinguishing between a typical rebound from a breakup and the characteristic patterns of a BPD'er is sometimes difficult, if you do not have a good grasp of the individual's history with relationships.

 

But somewhere therein the above description lies one of the most noted characteristics of BPD: narcissistic behavior (connected directly with denial of reality) - often so obvious with the disorder.

 

And so it goes.

 

It's a constant feeding cycle for their emotions.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio

[mike440]

Rio, I agree with you completely....I'm not excusing the BPD because they're seeking validation from a new relationship....They need to realize that a relationship alone will not make them happy and complete- though it will for a while at the beginning- they need to realize their happiness needs to come from within and a relationship is (or should be) simply an extension of an already happy person.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Mike: "...happiness needs to come from within and a relationship is (or should be) simply an extension of an already happy person."

 

(Smile)

 

Ditto!

 

 

-Rio

[Values]

Riobikini and mike440, your posts and thoughts so perfectly describe my ex and her behavior it's unreal. This impact of this disorder is doubled when it involves a female, because we all know how much easier it is for females to attract males. Be it for a relationship or (sad to say it) a much more brief encounter. My ex was so attractive on the outside, her cuteness and whirlwind life makes her so easy to fall for, and she falls right with you. Then she just falls period and looks for something else.

 

I don't mind admitting I had to seek some counseling from an experienced professional to get my brain to operate again after losing her. He said some very textbook but true things. The BPD/narcissist puts up this fake imagery, almost smoke and mirrors of having an exciting life, and that pulls you (me) in. It's all fake though and as pretty as it is on the outside she's nothing on the inside. That apparently is a common trait. I know for a fact my ex has destroyed others the same way as me. They love her and get pulled into her web and then she needs something else to mask her illness again and she leaves the guys who love her. Me and my former counselor agreed on a perfect explanation for this situation....

 

Myself and her other guys have all been good quality people before meeting her. We're the poles or docks in the water. She's in the water and can't swim so she selects her pole to keep her head out of the water, to keep her from drowning. She leans too much and too hard and the dock starts to sink, she starts to go under and quickly scrambles to another pole. It's a shame I didn't know this before and it's a shame another guy has bought her a ring and set the date.

[molly]

Oy! This thread has certainly become a meaty one. I've actually really enjoyed reading all the different responses and opinions...it's this kind of discussion that makes message boards worth visiting.

 

On a serendipitous note, I was actually reading through some of this while on a break from work while passively listening to the Dr. Laura show (I disagree with her politics, but she's entertaining and occasionally says things I agree with), when she made some comment about "Everybody these days" having borderline personality disorder. I think her comment was in the context of BPD being the latest fashionable "catch-all" diagnosis to peg somebody with. It's true that I've known many folks who technically meet some of the 11 or so DSM criteria for BPD, but I imagine most of us have engaged in or experienced some of those criteria ourselves at some point or another. To me, there is still simply too much murkiness surrounding the actual science behind BPD, too little consensus among professionals as to its legitimacy and treatment modalities, and too much of a gender bias (75% diagnosed are women) to wholesale embrace it as an actual mental health disorder in the same way that say, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are. That's simply my opinion as one who has seen what we call BPD anecdotally, as well as having been tagged with it myself in a past volatile relationship. And yes, also as one who worked as a mental health practitioner and was told to "Never diagnose anyone with borderline personality disorder" because of the aforementioned concerns and lingering questions.

 

A couple of quick other observations...

To me, the argument can more easily be made that people from ****ed up familial backgrounds may share certain maladaptive coping devices and behaviors that do tend to manifest themselves more aggressively in the context of interpersonal relationships. But I don't think that's the same thing as a personality "disorder" per se, which has a more medical and permanent connotation. I am one who believes people can change, I am living proof of it in fact. My childhood was something of a bloodbath and to me the REAL miracle of my adult relationship ****-ups is that there haven't been more of them! Though it hasn't exactly been a linear path, I can confidently look back and see that I've grown and matured more than I ever would've imagined as a kid. We all have patterns of one sort or another and part of maturing is recognizing those patterns, and in a couple context trying to discern what's my **** and what's yours and behaving accordingly. That is not easy for anyone, and you don't have to have a personality disorder to screw it up. Here, I could edge over into the cosmic nature of interpersonal relationships and what they have to teach us about ourselves and others, but maybe Love Shack isn't the place.

 

I'd also say that one of the problems with romantic love in general is that we are constantly being told by marketing forces and other cultural institutions that the exact tumultuous, passionate, archetypal Shakesperean type of relationship that many of us have complained about in this thread, is THE MODEL of romantic love for which we should all strive!! Many of the great love stories in literature, film and history had elements of what we are calling a mental health disorder on this board. It's very, very confusing. Bleh. Anyway...just a few thoughts for now but more later maybe.

[mike440]

In general, I don't think that the BPD diagnoses is that important....I only used it to illustrate that these were the traits that this woman had....Whether or not she would be diagnosed is another story- doesn't really matter though....having the traits and not being diagnosed is not pretty either. These traits are grouped into a disorder for a reason. I just know what red flags are for a person like this, and I think it is a good idea to stay away:

 

passion (You are the one!)

Rescue-me romance

Inability to compromise

Inability to enjoy time apart

Pushing other people away; friends & family

keeping you from their friends

Insecurity

feeling pressured to move the relationship faster

feeling like I am defending myself against things I didn't do or say

thinking I have to question my own reality of things (losing my own-self esteem walking on eggshells (not being able to communicate)

"I Love You" after knowing me for two weeks

Clingy

 

Among others

[molly]

Mike--

I think it's good that you've had this one experience with a person who exhibited "certain traits" (like you said, whether it's a clinical diagnosis or not) and have decided that was enough for you. As I said in an earlier post, however, I'd encourage to examine why things like "falling in love in 2 weeks" appealed to you in the first place or else you may not be able to resist avoiding similar situations in the future. It takes many of us years to change patterns, as a rudimentary stroll through these boards will tell you, if indeed we ever do at all. That goes for both those who practice things like commitment phobia themselves or those who fall for those who fall for commitment phobes--or plug in latest buzzword dysfunction here. I feel it's very important for all of us not to fall too heavily on the victim vs culprit dichotomy--as tempting as that may be in the sense that it absolves us of our own responsibility--when doing the hard work of figuring out all this relationship stuff. I am also one who believes very strongly that we enter into any given romantic entanglement for a reason, even if the reason isn't apparent in the blindingly painful immediate aftermath of bad love gone even badder. good luck.

[Mz. Pixie]

passion (You are the one!)

Rescue-me romance

Inability to compromise

Inability to enjoy time apart

Pushing other people away; friends & family

keeping you from their friends

Insecurity

feeling pressured to move the relationship faster

feeling like I am defending myself against things I didn't do or say

thinking I have to question my own reality of things (losing my own-self esteem walking on eggshells (not being able to communicate)

"I Love You" after knowing me for two weeks

Clingy

 

Among others

 

Okay, I agree with the second to the last one but the other ones?? Nah.

Those descriptions fit someone who is co dependent, not BPD. That's classic co dependency.

 

IMO- and based on what I was told by my Pdoc and therapist- that they cannot change.

 

I personally always wondered why my BPD mom could take handfuls of prescription meds for anxiety and depression and it never helped. The reason why? Because she was BPD! That's deeply furrowed in to someones personality- it's PART of them. She said BPD's rarely seek therapy because it's always someone elses problem not theirs- and even when they do seek therapy it's only with years and years of it do they see very little progress.

 

BPD and bi polar and other disorders have alot of symptoms that overlap as well. You can be raised by someone with BPD who has been abusive and you can pick up what they call "fleas"- but that surely doesn't make you have BPD. It's just that it's learned behavior based on what you've experienced.

 

For instance, hypervigiliance. I display that because I've always had to be on my toes- and I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. To protect myself and my children.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

He said some very textbook but true things. The BPD/narcissist puts up this fake imagery, almost smoke and mirrors of having an exciting life, and that pulls you (me) in. It's all fake though and as pretty as it is on the outside she's nothing on the inside.

 

I think you are hearing too much crap,

 

Ariadne