Relationship with possible BPD- Why is it so hard to get over?

[burning 4 revenge]

I don't know about the accuracies of diagnosing these personality disorders, but I do know the woman I was last involved with had been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist on a weekly basis for BPD and had been seeing them for years and exhibited every symptom that's been discussed here. She also has a nasty coke habit, so it's hard to differentiate which was the more damaging factor.

 

I myself was skeptical of psychologiacl designations and figuring I was a pretty cool guy thought it only natural that she seemed so in love at first. Boy was I wrong!

[Ariadne]

What I mean is that...

 

Instead of BPD, Narcissism, borderline personality, or other silly names that people use.

 

This is simply the case of a girl being infatuated... It's really very simple.

 

Is a relationship based on those rush feelings of butterflies in the stomach, excitement when seeing the guy, a feeling of being in love.

 

And not a case of deeply knowing each other, being best friends, or being compatible.

 

Eventually, those feelings fade and so does the relationship, because it was all a fantasy. Something both parties dreamed for but wasn't there in the first place.

 

It's meant to be this way, the collapse,

 

Ariadne

[Values]

What I mean is that...

 

Instead of BPD, Narcissism, borderline personality, or other silly names that people use.

 

This is simply the case of a girl being infatuated... It's really very simple.

 

Is a relationship based on those rush feelings of butterflies in the stomach, excitement when seeing the guy, a feeling of being in love.

 

And not a case of deeply knowing each other, being best friends, or being compatible.

 

Eventually, those feelings fade and so does the relationship, because it was all a fantasy. Something both parties dreamed for but wasn't there in the first place.

 

It's meant to be this way, the collapse,

 

Ariadne

 

You couldn't be any more off with that last post, but good for you. This thread has been a good one, with a lot of great discussion on why some people ruin their own lives and the lives of those who care about them. This thread has also probably gone as far as it could go. I just didn't want it to end on such a mindless post as the one above. Feel free to discuss on. I'll leave by saying, out of all the pseudo labels people place on disorders for various reasons, I think there is truly a defined mental problem with someone who can never accomplish or finish anything in life and each relationship they have be it friend, family, or partner is marked by deceit and pain. Chronic, habitual tearing apart instead of building, growing, and improving. When you've seen the worst first hand it's easier to draw a distinction between that and fleeting b.s. relationship issues.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I think there is truly a defined mental problem with someone who can never accomplish or finish anything in life and each relationship they have be it friend, family, or partner is marked by deceit and pain.

 

No, no defined mental problem.

 

Some people don't accomplish or finish anything because they don't care about that, some people deceive, and some people just don't get along.

 

Ariadne

[riobikini]

re:

 

Mz Pixie: " You can be raised by someone with BPD who has been abusive and you can pick up what they call "fleas"- but that surely doesn't make you have BPD. It's just that it's learned behavior based on what you've experienced."

 

You're statement above is worth noting. Longterm contact with BPD'ers (as well as people with other illnesses and disorders) do leave their mark, especially in regards to children.

 

You take some result of the illness with you when you're finally old enough to leave home and embark on the rest of your life.

 

It doesn't mean you have the disorder, -just that you are stuck with the experience and may have contracted (as you describe it, Mz Pixie) some of the "fleas" : e.g. the ways and means you used to cope with living with someone who actually suffered from the illness/disorder.

 

I'm sure your years at home in close contact with your mother were difficult to say the least, but I am glad to hear you are now getting the help you need to deal with those experiences and heal from the damage.

 

I am also very impressed with your willingness to share your experiences here and wish you the very best.

 

 

-Rio

[Ariadne]

Here is a story for you guys:

 

~We cannot know people who are different from us~

 

There were four people who shared a house. They ate together, did the housework together, and even played together, but each one had a very different personality. One of them was studious and serious, one was reckless, one was carefree, and one was hot-tempered. Although they spent a lot of time together, they did things their own way and did not understand each other, for each claimed to be more intelligent than the other.

 

Yet another group of four found themselves as housemates. They too were very different from each other. One of them was crafty, one was proud, one was silent, and one was argumentative. They also went about their own business and never listened to the other people, for they all believed they were more gifted than the others.

 

All these people had different dispositions. On first glance, it may appear they were snobbish because they did not want to understand others who had a different attitude. But, on the other hand, if they had tried, would they have succeeded? Or would they have acknowledged each other's differences politely, pretended they had understood each other, and then returned to doing things their own way?

 

Each individual is different, and each follows his or her own path in life. Why not be honest and accept our differences? Why pretend to understand when we do not? It is a rare occasion when two individuals can communicate directly with heart and mind. ~Lieh-Tzu

 

Ariadne

[riobikini]

re:

 

Molly: "..It's true that I've known many folks who technically meet some of the 11 or so DSM criteria for BPD, but I imagine most of us have engaged in or experienced some of those criteria ourselves at some point or another. To me, there is still simply too much murkiness surrounding the actual science behind BPD, too little consensus among professionals as to its legitimacy and treatment modalities, and too much of a gender bias (75% diagnosed are women) to wholesale embrace it as an actual mental health disorder in the same way that say, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder are. "

 

Great point(s), Molly!

 

Most here will not be familiar with the DSM (Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and why/how it is used. But what it contains is so important, and I'm glad you touched on it.

 

(If anyone is wondering, it's -in the simplest terms- a really big book with all the criteria set for any mental illness you care to imagine.)

 

Behind the scenes, this manual carries the weight equal to that of the Bible to a Southern preacher. (Noticed that, like a good Southern girl, I capitalized 'B' and 'S'....smile).

 

In easy-to-understand terms (they say), 'new' illnesses are defined/classified in this manual.

 

But because an illness/disorder is found somewhere in the tons of pages, doesn't necessarily mean medical and psychiatric professionals become immediately comfortable with it.

 

You see, when a person is labeled with an illness/disease/disorder, it's mighty hard (darn near impossible) to backtrack or remove it from patient records.

 

And if the label doesn't wash after it's been applied, there's more than just hell to pay.

 

So I'm glad Molly brought this up, -it might explain a little more about *why* (especially for those currently in therapy) your doctor might not be so quick to slap you with a label.

 

Thanks, Molly.

 

And all take care.

 

-Rio