? for the OWs

[NoIDidn't]

It seems to me when an OW gets constructive advice about the situation they're in, but it doesn't fit what they were looking for, they immediately go on the defensive.

 

Many of us that are not OWs, or are former OWs, just want to help a fellow human out. We get that you are human and hurt and bleed like the rest of us. Some of you are in really bad situations whether the guy is married or not.

 

Is it possible to get past the labeling and try to hear a poster out before launching into a defensive tirade?

[Walking away]

I think some OW respond defensively is because they have a God given conscience and it is hammering them with guilt. They may not be aware of the guilt because of the other overriding feelings that they are feeling, but it is there, nevertheless.

 

Plus, so often, the relationship is discounted as an addiction. Some are, perhaps, but I believe that others are true romantic relationships that are laden with moral and ethical barriers.

 

These relationships aren't right, but the feelings that these OW feel are REAL. And, it hurts to have someone constantly remind you that your MM is "using" you or "cake eating" or any other comments that are perceived as bashing.

 

Yes, the OW bleeds. She bleeds deeply. I was one of them.

 

Even we, the OW, don't like to be kicked when we are down. Most KNOW they are in a mess....they just can't find their way out because it is difficult to walk away from a relationship when both parties still care for each other.

 

And, yes, there is defensiveness.

 

I think they are defending their FEELINGS for the MM more than the relationship.

 

Just my take.

 

But, you have made a good point.

 

WA

[Adunaphel]

And, yes, there is defensiveness.

 

I think they are defending their FEELINGS for the MM more than the relationship.

 

I agree. They are defending their feelings for the MM, their feelings (more generally), sometimes the MM (they love him, they'll defend him), the reasons why they got into an affair or had a fling with a MM, the fact that they don't love/like the guy because he is married, the fact that people are not just "good" or "bad" and expecially their dignity as human beings.

 

Even if these things haven't been directly or indirectly attacked.

 

I think some OW respond defensively is because they have a God given conscience and it is hammering them with guilt. They may not be aware of the guilt because of the other overriding feelings that they are feeling, but it is there, nevertheless.

 

Right on spot.

[BenThereDunThat]

WA - you said it beautifully.

[Guest]

It seems to me when an OW gets constructive advice about the situation they're in, but it doesn't fit what they were looking for, they immediately go on the defensive.

 

Many of us that are not OWs, or are former OWs, just want to help a fellow human out. We get that you are human and hurt and bleed like the rest of us. Some of you are in really bad situations whether the guy is married or not.

 

Is it possible to get past the labeling and try to hear a poster out before launching into a defensive tirade?

 

Good point I don't understand why some of the OW get so angry and critical when they are doing the same.Maybe they are angry at themselves...

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate your replies. I was/am hoping to hear from the more recent members who go on the attack towards anyone that they feel might be a BS or otherwise hasn't walked in their shoes, presumably.

 

I have seen threads from the OW that want to know why they can't feel *safe* here. Unfortunately, with this being the internet and open to whomever wants to post as Guests, that level of safety simply does not exist.

 

WA, your post was really good. Thank you.

[justice]

I think it is possible. I came here, wounded and bleeding and terribly hurt, the OW's were great to me. But since there is alot of raw emotion running high here, there are likely to be a few flames every now and again, ya just gotta take it with the good advice and try to be understanding.

[BenThereDunThat]

Isn't it funny, Justice? I remember when you first came on and told your story. I just wanted to hug you and make it all go away for you.

 

I always follow your posts and hope that everything turns out okay for you and your H.

 

And thank you. Thank you for your good advice from the other side. You never judge, you're open-minded, and most of all - you're human.

 

There are people out there who just don't understand how far that goes, in the healing process, and in helping to understand the repercussions of one's actions.

 

You are a very strong woman.

 

Your presence here has made a difference.