I'm not sure I understand

[Guest]

My husband and I have been having a few problems for the past year or so. I wanted him to go to counseling with me but he chose not to says he doesn't need counseling. So I went myself.

 

During this year we have had problems I developed feelings for another which doesn't help things. This other man doesn't even know how I feel, nor will I tell him. These thoughts/feelings have been kept to myself.

 

I was talking the other day with my counselor, about how I feel about this other man and it bothers me to feel that way. He tells me to not let the other man know how I feel and that its not uncommon for ppl having marriage probs to sometimes develop feelings for another person as long as they don't act on it. This is what kind of shocked me and wanted others views on it.

 

The counselor then tells me since I don't feel all that close, especailly sexual wise towards my husband since things have not been going well, he tells me to take that energy, and passion I feel for the other man and incorperate that into my marraige. He says if this other man makes you feel good even though he doesn't know, take that and make your marraige better. Be happy around your husband becasue another has made you feel this way. Then he says when I make love with my husband to think of this other man. My husband would have sheer exstacy and be glad of all this passion he is getting. And no one would ever have to know it was being triggered by how I feel about another person.

 

I can not help but think that is wrong. What do others think? Its ok to take this passionate feelings for another man and use those to my advantage in my marraige even in the bedroom? Made me wonder if this counselor does this in his own life.

[JackJack]

IMO I'm not sure why he would tell you this. I think its wrong as well. Simply becasue you "incorperating" those feeling for another man into your marriage is false. They are feelings for another, not for your husband. Hopefully someone else can shed some more light on this for you.

[quankanne]

He tells me to not let the other man know how I feel and that its not uncommon for ppl having marriage probs to sometimes develop feelings for another person as long as they don't act on it. This is what kind of shocked me and wanted others views on it.

 

it's true – something about a person (same or opposite sex) is appealing and you begin "responding" to the idea of that person (when I say same sex, it's more along the lines of admiration for something that person does, as opposed to having hot flashes for the person). Sometimes, those feelings can act as a springboard to spice up a relationship because you begin acting on how that person makes you feel (sexy, smart, funny, etc) and your partner benefits. It's less about the other person himself, but more about how you feel about or see yourself through your relationship with that person.

[Moose]

Then he says when I make love with my husband to think of this other man.

I wonder if he'd give the same advice to his partner.

 

This is clearly adultery according to Scripture. (not sure if that means anything to you).

 

Whether or not you're religious at all, it's in the scripture as adultery for a reason, (Just thinking about having sex with someone else is a sin), and you're natural feelings of, "wrongness", is a clear testimony as to why it's in scripture.

 

You know, I know, and a few other posters know it's not right.....

[Touche]

I'm sorry but I don't feel that it's wrong at all. Many of us who are married develop little "crushes." And as long as they're not acted upon, I don't see how it's harmful. I myself have taken that "energy" and unleashed it on my husband. It infuses our love-making with a new passion.

 

Although the inspiration for this passion sometimes comes from somewhere else, the passion is still for my husband. I would never want to "unleash" it on anyone else. So in my eyes there's not a thing wrong with it. It's not infidelity at all. No one can control our thoughts/fantasies..sometimes we even can't control our OWN thoughts.

 

Thinking about killing someone and actually DOING it are two different things after all aren't they? Two VERY different things.

 

I think the counselor gave you excellent advice.

[Jersey Shortie]

Yikes. That is pretty crappy to do to someone. I think what you need to do is try to re-focus on the things that made you fall inlove with your husband in the first place and start dating again. Not only will you be living a lie but I doubt you will ever be happy with your longing feelings for another man pushed on your husband like he is nothing more then an object for you to use your feelings for another man on.

[Guest]

I wonder if he'd give the same advice to his partner.

 

This is clearly adultery according to Scripture. (not sure if that means anything to you).

 

Whether or not you're religious at all, it's in the scripture as adultery for a reason, (Just thinking about having sex with someone else is a sin), and you're natural feelings of, "wrongness", is a clear testimony as to why it's in scripture.

 

You know, I know, and a few other posters know it's not right.....

 

I agree and I think this is why it bothers me so much. I'm a christain/spirirtual person, and while we are all human with human emotions etc. I can't help but think its wrong to purposly think of another to temporarily satisfy or temporaily fix whatever is going on in the relationship. Its kind of like putting a band aid on a wound for awhile. The band aid feels good and covers the wound for a bit but when you take it off the problem is still there.

 

 

There have been times this other man has popped into my head out of the blue and becasue I'm trying to work on things with my husband I'll try to do something or keep myself busy so I wont think of him. After all I'm trying to work on my marriage not further complicate things by purposly placing him in my thoughts while trying to work on my marriage, or have sex with my husband.

 

"Wonder if he would give the same advice to his partner?"

 

I'm not sure if he would or not, I doubt it. But can't help but wonder if his advice comes from the fact that maybe thats what he does himself.

[PandorasBox]

If YOU feel what his advice is odd or not right then chances are it probably is. Next time you talk with him, ask him where does he get his info. Ask him if this was something that was taught to to him while in college getting his counselors degree or was this something he came up with because he uses the same advice in his marriage. He might be stumbling for words on that.

[Moose]

Thinking about killing someone and actually DOING it are two different things after all aren't they? Two VERY different things.

You can definitely get locked up for consipiring to kill someone.

 

Does your husband know that you're thinking about someone else while making love to him?

[ddw5195]

He tells me to not let the other man know how I feel and that its not uncommon for ppl having marriage probs to sometimes develop feelings for another person as long as they don't act on it. This is what kind of shocked me and wanted others views on it.

 

it's true – something about a person (same or opposite sex) is appealing and you begin "responding" to the idea of that person (when I say same sex, it's more along the lines of admiration for something that person does, as opposed to having hot flashes for the person). Sometimes, those feelings can act as a springboard to spice up a relationship because you begin acting on how that person makes you feel (sexy, smart, funny, etc) and your partner benefits. It's less about the other person himself, but more about how you feel about or see yourself through your relationship with that person.

 

that was good!!!!HUMMM does make you think.