Fiance still in touch with old love

[Guest]

When we first met my fiance was very open that one of his female friends was a girl he used to once like. This was 2 years ago. I was never comfortable with it but he made it sound trivial and that he got over it a long time before he met me. Hence, the ongoing friendship.

 

I asked his friends what the scoop was, long story short, it was not a silly crush but a long drawn out I want to marry this girl and have children with her she is perfect but she doesn't like me so I'm going to drink a lot and date other girls to get my mind off her instead kind of thing. But they (his friends)insisted I was different as I was his longest relationship.

 

I was devastated when I found out, I would not have let myself fall in love with someone had I known the full intensity of it. He explained he was just desperate and it was all an illusion at the time. That he was depressed and not really in a good state of mind at the time, and I am the real thing for him.

 

Needless to say this still did not sit well. She lives 2 hours away and she remained his main confidant for awhile, and he tried to make me feel at ease by having us meet. Actually the opposite happened. They had a bond so deep I felt like an outsider looking in. Once I saw him gawking at her like a puppy in love while she was talking and I did not feel he was really over her. It did not help that she was subtly flaunting the power she knew she had over him versus my budding relationship ,and the deep friendship she had with him in my face, as opposed to trying to be nice and welcoming.

 

I almost broke up with him, this was all a year ago. I gave an ultimatum-her or me. He convinced me he loved me and I had nothing to worry about. But that he still wanted to remain friends with her because he does not kick friends out of his life. We agreed the friendship would not be so close, that she could not be his best female friend anymore. Over the past 2 years I believe the intensity of their bond has diminished and I am in the position she once was in, which is natural to expect when you are in a relationship.

 

But as we come closer to making this commitment I am getting cold feet because I realize I will always wonder if he insisted on keeping her in his life because he still has hopes she will come around one day.

 

I will never understand how you can be wanting someone so much and then just accept friendship. Knowing human nature, I think you always lust and long for what you cannot have. I guess I had stupidly hoped she would have completely disappeared by now. And the fact that they keep in touch even about a few times a month by email still does not sit well. Especially because it sounded like she was the one that pulled away from him over time maybe because she felt the effect of my presence almost immediately. In his defense it is possible she felt she had no more use for her puppy love boy if his attidute was changing towards her over time.

 

After reading so many of these posts I am just so sick thinking that one day she may want him as more than a friend and he'll go for it because she has always been the unobtainable one and I look like the fighting shrew-- many of our fights have been around her. I just want to be sure of his devotion, and the fact that he fought for her to stay in his life, even on the peripheral, is making me question his future devotion to me.

 

I have given up talking about it with him as he gets really hurt that I question his love for me. I am starting to wonder if I was a fool or if it is a sign of low self esteem to put myself in this situation in the first place. I love him so much but when i think of how they interacted together when I met her i question if him and I share that emotional connection I saw they had and wonder if we will ever have that.

 

I am always feeling jealous of her imagining how great it must feel to know this guy liked you for a few years and pursued you and still insists on keeping you in his life even as he is about to get married. This is worse than an ex, because that is more clear. He still gets to say "but we are just friends". I think it is a lot worse because it is untapped potential in a man's mind. Even though she has faded, I find myself going back and not feeling good about going forward as I will always wonder if he would have let me walk if I did not accept that he wanted to remain friends with her.

 

I wish I had followed through on my ultimatum because this is not a good way to start our future together wondering if he would have chosen her friendship over our relationship.

 

Any thoughts?

[reb]

Hunny, he did chose her friendship over your relationship, but you let it slide and then changed your stand on the subject to let them be friends but not as close of friends.

I don't think that he would be going through with marrying you if he didn't want to truly be with you. Don't let her ruin what you two have, he loves you and is with you.

As long as they are not exchanging more than friendly emails, and he isn't hiding or sneaking of to meet her, I really think that you don't have anything to worry about.

Plan your wedding and keep her out of your mind, it's clear he wants her as a friend, so there is no point in driving yourself crazy about it. If you can't stop thinking about it and really do believe you are second best to him,(which I don't think you are) then I would say move on.

[tikigods]

He did choose her over you, and instead of standing your ground you allowed that to happen. When you gave him the you or her,he said all the right things but wouldn't lose her at all, and for the past year you have allowed him to have her still in his life. Honestly if this bothers you as much as I know it would bother me I Would tell him flat out that if you guys are going to get married then she can't have anything to do with your lives. you have a lot of problems that you need to deal with LONG BEFORE you tie the knot :/

[Guest]

He did choose her over you, and instead of standing your ground you allowed that to happen. When you gave him the you or her,he said all the right things but wouldn't lose her at all, and for the past year you have allowed him to have her still in his life. Honestly if this bothers you as much as I know it would bother me I Would tell him flat out that if you guys are going to get married then she can't have anything to do with your lives. you have a lot of problems that you need to deal with LONG BEFORE you tie the knot :/

 

Thanks Tiki and Reb, I don't know why it did not bother me more before, but yes exactly what you both said deep down i wonder if we would be together at all today if I had stood my ground back then. It is less that I am threatened by her, I'm not. But more that my thoughts have been wandering to the compromise I allowed, and anger at myself that all these doubts about us are my own fault.

 

I gave an ultimatum i was not prepared to go through with and the truth hurts that what you both say is correct. He chose to present an alternative solution:friendship lite. which means he did choose her friendship over me in essence. I don't know why i did not see it like that then, maybe it was too painful to accept what was really happening and thought I could win him more to me over time. Now I have him but I still have doubts because we may not be together today had I stood my ground back then and it is really upsetting me to accept that.

 

They are barely even friends at this point, but I digress. I can't go back and change my compromise, and deep down I don't know if I can go through feeling the pain if I give one more ultimatum and he still chooses the remnants of her friendship over us. I have a bad feeling this is what would happen.....mainly because he will see it as me trying to control him. It would be so much worse now as we have been this far with eachother. Neither option feels good. I wish I had really put it on the line and stuck to it so at least I would not be feeling this doubt today.

[reb]

I think that you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. He shouldn't see it as you are trying to control him and you shouldn't feel as tho you are trying to control him. He loves you and wants to marry you, there for you should be his number one and if he knows how you truly feel about this then he shouldn't want to remain friends with someone who makes you feel this way, I mean after all, really what is he losing by not being friends with her if they hardly talk or see one anotheranyways.

 

Now on the other hand if they were close friends then I could understand why he wouldn't want to stop the friendship.

 

If he stands his ground and makes a big deal about you not wanting them to be friends, then I would question what and how you are feeling and that it may somehow hold some truth in it.

 

Either way you really need to talk to him about this before getting married.

[purpleplanet]

I have a guy friend who was pretty "into" me, for a few years, and I never wanted anything more with him, but still thought he was a great guy and have been able to remain friends. The friendship is important to me, and to him as well, but there will never be anything more there. Ever. We both know that, and the fact that we are able to move past that is a part of our friendship, even though we are not as close. So my first thought is that you did the right thing to accept the compromise.

 

However, that's no indication of what's right or wrong with your situation... so talk to him about it, and be open to his side. Make it known that his honesty about the situation is more important than the "right" answer, because this is the rest of your lives that you're talking about. Hopefully it is truly something that he has put behind him.

[Guest]

It is good to hear from someone on the other side of this situation too, thanks for your input! we talked about it and I realized I do not have anything to worry about, I think what was making me upset was the lingering doubt that maybe he still liked her the first few months we were a couple. I cannot prove or disprove that, I know I am the first GF he had that their friendship took a backburner, with his other GF's she was always his numero uno pal.

 

But sometimes it makes me mad when i think about how in love I was (and am) with him and wondering if he was switching over to me as his feelings for her faded. I know this does not make any sense, but it does feel a bit like betrayal. But this is not something he would ever admit or that I can prove, now in real time reality it is nothing.

 

I feel bad for my old self in the beginning of this relationship wondering if his heart was struggling to forget about her. I mean, here we are now, this is crazy to obsess over, but I still get upset when i wonder about it. And how much will he really admit? He would have a lot to lose if he admitted that was true, so deep down it does not help to hear any reassurance. I feel like I can't get to the bottom of this stain that has ben left on my memories.