How to get H to talk about sex???

[luvstarved]

OK so in 3 weeks I went from sexless marriage to 3-4 times a week. Lightyears of progress I know. But the sex is the same as it was before (after daughter was born, before that sex was great!). It is mutually satisfying in the O department as I am easy to please, but it lacks...intimacy I guess, and is always the same: no foreplay, him on top, no other contact during...

 

When I try to inject any variety into the situation I kind of get slammed and he does not want to talk about it. If I even hint at such he gets a sort of impatient "here we go again, nothing's ever good enough" demeanor.

And when I try to talk about it, he just clams up and says he is happy in that area and that I shouldn't make an issue where there isn't one. If I persist, he picks a fight and it ends up in a blowup.

 

Otherwise things are great. We are following up with weekly dates which he looks forward to and getting some relationship books and looking for a good couples retreat.

 

Should I back off for a while or do others have any suggestions for how to get him to open up on this topic? He even suggested that maybe I should talk to a counselor about this stuff, but the problem is, what I am really looking for is where HIS head is at with this! I don't see how a counselor can tell me what my H is thinking and I do not think it is the right answer for me to go to counseling to work on how to cope with his evasiveness.

 

Thanks for any thoughts.

[JamesM]

Yes, you have made great progress in such a short time. Please don't forget that. I think congratulations are in order for all that YOU have done thus far. (BTW, I could have written your post from a man's POV...strange).

 

I would suggest backing off. He is going to get more of a performance anxiety complex if you keep trying to improve him too quickly. When women have this pressure, they can fake it. When men have this problem...well, your sex life is over...again.

 

You know how you get along with him. My suggestion is to compliment the good things and ignore the bad. IE make a big deal about any new technique and enjoy the old without too much enthusiasm...but still show some. When I make love to my wife, her response is key. When I lick her in a certain way, her quiver does more than her "talk" about what works. Fortunately, the "quiver" is involuntary. I know he has less concern about your response as compared to getting the job done, but I find it hard to believe that he won't try to do things that please you.

 

What do you need to talk about? His lack of foreplay...his need to please you more...his...in other words, I am afraid the talk will be about what he needs to do to please you more. As a man, I would respond more to moans and groans to the right thing rather than criticisms to the wrong things.

 

(Oh, I would love to have such a problem as his!...But that is why I am here and not him. )

[umbo]

Luvstarved great progress

 

 

However your husband is making changes and trying to do new things. Maybe you should try to stay satisfied in a good marriage that is not perfect. I think he is being intimate ie. he is having sex with his wife. Why can't you ever be satisfied, calm down, sex is not every thing. Hey you are doing good maybe you should get some hobbies to help keep you busy.

[luvstarved]

After 7 years of this trouble (and we did have a lot of extenuating circumstances, I admit) I think I am just SOOOO anxious to get it all fixed that it is hard for me to accept what we have accomplished so far and be willing to let things progress naturally. But you make good points and I appreciate them.

 

I even said as much to my husband this morning, that I was sorry if it seemed like I wanted to fix everything at once and he said he knew I felt like this and he WISHED it too but that it just could not happen that way. Meanwhile, I will definitely take the advice to respond with enthusiasm to anything new, although I would anyway! There was a patch of trouble this morning and he finally took advantage of my mouth to get us past it, so that was another piece of progress...we'll get there I think but like I said part of me feels like we already wasted 7 years and I don't want to waste any more. I am a problem solver type in my work and admit that I can be overly rational and "efficient" sometimes so I will try to back off on that too.

 

Thanks again!!

[luvstarved]

Grrrr, I know I have to try to relax and let nature take its course but it is very hard to try to moan and groan at new techniques when there aren't any.

 

I guess what really bugs me is this ongoing sense that the whole activity is taking place to appease me, as a favor, or a chore. I have not said anything to my husband, I am wiggling and moaning because I CAN get into it, but I admit it is getting harder as time goes on.

 

It isn't just the act, it's the timing. Like clockwork. Every other morning at 5:30 am he says "ya wanna" then says "prepare" then I take off my undies and he jumps on and there is nothing else but the old in and out, other than me rubbing his ass and back while he doesn't touch me anywhere. When it is over he gets up and gets ready for work. I know I wont' get any tomorrow because I got some today, but I can count on Thursday! If I try to do anything different, he loses his erection. I have made a point to show afterglow, but when I did that the last time, he just said "my darling needs her whoopie" and I was surprised he didn't pat me on the head like a pet when he said it. Never anything about him liking it.

 

I am not a lousy lay, I know that. I might not be a porn star but I am not a dead fish. And when I have tried to talk to him about it (and for the record I have only brought it up twice so it isn't like I am going on about it daily), it has been more along the lines of saying that I want to increase the intimacy and to let him know that if there is anything more I can do to please HIM, that all he has to do is ask. In fact, thinking about it, I have never said ANYTHING about what he could/should do for me other than mentioning one time that I would like it if he would play with my breasts once in a while. And of course the general fact that I could not continue in a sexless marriage.

 

Sorry I am just venting. I am frustrated because when I try to talk about it he acts as though I am making very unreasonable demands. And I do not DEMAND I always try to broach the subject gently and with understanding, it's only when I get on here that I turn bitchy!! Guys, really, should a guy maintaining an erection long enough to complete the deed with no foreplay, eye contact, touching of private parts beyond the necessary, kissing or ANYTHING other than the bare minimum contact be all a woman could ever want or hope for? Any suggestion to the contrary is to him just me not being satisfied with anything. Is it even POSSIBLE that this is his idea of an ideal sex life?

 

Also, doesn't it seem odd that his main argument is that I am making an issue where no issue exists? Doesn't the fact that it is an issue for me count in any small way???

 

I will admit that if I really believed that this is what turns him on and that he is happy and enthusiastic about our sex life just as it is, then I could probably find a way to be okay with it. In the end, I guess what really bothers me is that sense that he is just doing his marital duty...an argument supported by the fact that before we got this far, he said on several occasions that he would be happy with the status quo (masturbation and occasional porn) and that it wasn't important to him whether we ever had sex again...(he denied saying so later but he said it on 3 separate occasions)...

 

I know a lot of people on the boards have bigger problems than I do, so I understand if nobody responds. I feel a little better just getting it out of my system...

[CynicalP]

Congrats on getting some regular nookie. It sounds like the sex is treated more as an obligation or a chore. It's hard to find the time and place for impassioned spontaneous sex. People have the lives filled with so much stuff to ocuppy their time that sex is almost an afterthought. I wonder if that is partly due to the been there done that experience with being with the same partner for many years. The excitment and thrill of newness is gone.

 

From what you posted you are way ahead of the curve compared to most couples. You have laid down a solid foundation via communication. Now you just need to break out of the comfortable predictiment and experiement with each other. Just keep encouraging him and invite him into a free thought sexual fantasy process or something. Best of luck!

[Katrene]

Worked for me.