Moral Dilemma: DO you confront the Cheating Married Man and his O/W?

[Candied-Heart]

I have a problem I am unsure how to deal with. I will try and keep it as short as possible so people will actually reply. But long enough to keep the important details in consideration.

 

My BF and I have a friend, well ..friends in a particular marriage. They [My BF, The Husband and Wife] are all tied in by their jobs, and as a result we have been friendly for a couple of years. Things like going over for dinner, attending functions together, visiting them when their newborn arrived.. etc. I consider us relatively close.

 

Rumors have hit lately that Husband has been having 'trouble at home' hence a very long absence from work for about a month to six weeks, avoiding us when we make contact etc. He told me that his father was dying. I gave him my best wishes.

 

Recently, these rumors have stated that he has been cheating on his wife for approx. 4 years casually with the same OW. [who is also in a marriage] and that this person is also someone that I have worked with, until recently, for three years. The rumors also state that the Wife has caught him 6 weeks ago, and they now live apart. This is why he has been off work, I guess because it's become big gossip.

 

My problem is on many levels. My BF confronted him recently after I told him what I knew.. and he confessed to my BF of being involved and have feelings for this OW but wouldn't tell my BF who the woman is, despite my BF already 'knowing', he said he won't say who because My BF knows her. So it seems all the gossip is right.

 

I confronted him re: the gossip and he said 'don't believe everything you hear' amongst also telling me to mind my own business and other muddled statements, he was watery eyed and cleary uncomfortable even though I was trying my best to be unconfrontational.. I told him, in the most diplomatic way, remembering that I am extremely against infidelity, that I just wanted to know if it were true, the rumors are already flowing [which were leaked from a very high powered source and therefore it wouldn't matter, nothing he confirmed would be passed along. Everyone is already talking about it. I just wanted to know, I feel misled and admittedly disgusted. He is sitting there in denial with me, saying he won't confirm nor deny, but my mind says if he was innocent of this, he wouldn't bother saying such a thing he'd just say, it's BS!

 

The OW recently thought I was 'not speaking to her' [which was innocent and unintentional] and I think she actually thought I knew and that's why, as even though I found out this week, the rumors have been circulating for 2 months and she must have thought I knew. But I didn't so in retrospect I think it fits the whole scenario.

 

What do I do? I am sure the Husband has told his OW that I know because we are all linked somewhat. Should I confront her now? Or just mind my own business, or what if she tries to speak to me?

 

My BF has been acting as though nothing has been going on with the Husband, being nice to Husband and whilst that's his decision I am not happy about it but I don't tell him this. I think it's terrible what has happened.. and I feel awkward being nice. The following day after I confronted the Husband he pretended I never brought it up and was seemingly nice to me. I just can't take these games. I guess I feel involved because I've been hurt via cheaters which are bad enough as relationships, let alone a marriage.. and I cannot imagine having a baby with a man who has been betraying me and risking my health for the last half of our hypothetical marriage. It would be so disheartening and devastating. Marriage should be valued. I feel like if he really felt things for someone else he should have told the wife, as hard as that may be, and let her be free knowing he didn't stoop to that disgusting activity.

 

Feel free to nicely tell me to mind my own if it's not my business..

Anyone in a similar situation, anyone with advice? Argh! How do I handle this. is it best to just say nothing, do nothing and avoid them all? [That's what I'm leaning towards..]

[nicki]

Yes, I have been in this situation. Argh, you feel like you don't even know your friends... I now realize that many things go on under the surface and truly never know how someone's marriage is.

 

The good news is that you don't have to tell the wife that her husband has been cheating on her. Since she knows, there's not much you can do....except:

 

Be there for the wife. Be her friend. Let her vent. Take her out shopping, movies, etc....

 

As for the husband and OW, just know in your heart that they are both hurting, too. They are getting what they deserve. Believe me, there is nothing you can say that they haven't already heard or thought of themselves.

 

If it were me, I would privately tell your friend, the husband, that you are sorry for him and wife. Tell him that you are surprised, shocked and disappointed and no idea that they were having problems. You can tell him that can't believe he did that to his wife. But I'd only say that if you were really friends with him, and not merely social acquaintances.

 

As for the OW who is only a coworker, I would say nothing. I would be civil, but not friendly. It's best if you distance yourself from her. Don't go out to lunch with her, or anything after hours. If she tries to engage you in a long conversation about the situation, tell her it's really none of your business and politely excuse yourself.

 

If you feel you want to stay away from the husband, then just back off. He'll more than expect this, especially if you are already aligning yourself with his wife.

 

What your boyfriend does is his business. He may feel he has to be there for his buddy, or he may think that it's not his business. So, he can be as friendly as he wants with the husband.

 

But, you can refuse to go out to any dinners, etc where the husband is. That's your choice. Just do it quietly, without a lot of moralizing. Always talk in the first person, say, "I just can't go. I wouldn't feel comfortable."

 

The whole situation is a shock, and it can shake your own foundations....but at the end of the day it's not about you and your relationship. Be glad about that.