On the verge....

[Ace]

Hello, I don't know if some of you remember me or not, but I used to post on here alot whenever me and my current girlfriend were having problems. Well, I am still with my girlfriend and we will be together 6 years in July.

 

I believe that we are on the verge of breaking up and I don't like it. I am 22 and she is 23. She is graduated from college and I am still in college. Her main complaint is that she wants more commitment from me. I really don't know what she wants because I believe that I am committed.

 

I told her that we will not be able to get married until I am out of school. I even told her that I had planned on getting a ring this year and then waiting a year or so and then getting married when I got out of school. I don't think she cares. She says that she just can't wait that long for a commitment.

 

I know this is a very short rundown on the situation and our lives, but if you wish, I can provide more details. What do you guys think? I have been contemplating breaking up whenever we have these arguments and I know that she has also, but we also have our good times, so it is a hard decision.

[Ace]

Do you guys think that I am a bad person for telling her that I am not going to fully committed to her after school? I simply do not want to be whole-heartedly commited to her until that time. After I get out of school, I will then be able to focus on other things like her, a career, etc.

[Gweedo]

You are young and you have every right to finish your education. And you should, without pressure from her. If she really wanted what was best for you, she would support that. If you've been dating since you were 16 or so, then it's possible that this has become a relationship of convenience. School should be your top priority right now. If this is meant to be, then she will wait for you and support you. If she doesn't, then consider moving on.

Do you guys think that I am a bad person for telling her that I am not going to fully committed to her after school? I simply do not want to be whole-heartedly commited to her until that time. After I get out of school, I will then be able to focus on other things like her, a career, etc.

 

[Tony T]

It seems you are appropriately commited to her for this time and place in your life. If she is going to be so demanding at this point as to want more from you than you are capable of giving, just think how she may be later on in life...when you might be married.

 

Set the course for your life with her and without her. Let her know exactly how it's going to be. Let her know she has equity with you, if she wants it, but it must be on terms that you deem proper for the times.

 

In other words, if she doesn't want to wait there will be many other ladies who will admire your spirit of timing and prudent planning of your life. It would not be practical to move any faster in your relationship.

 

Your lady has to learn patience and respect for the timing of important individuals in her life.

[velvet]

She wont stop pressuring you to marry her. She fears that if she continues the r/s without marriage commitment, than she's missing her chance to marry someone elese.

 

Sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's the truth of it.

 

If you decide to marry her dont think it will stop there. There will be something elese she will press you for, like children. The best advice I could give you is to wait until you are in your mid 30's before you marry or consider family.

 

Based on the way she is pressing you for marriage, I would hold off on the ring. If she is in love with you she should be willing to wait. You dont have to dance to her violens, you can make your own.

 

It seems you are appropriately commited to her for this time and place in your life. If she is going to be so demanding at this point as to want more from you than you are capable of giving, just think how she may be later on in life...when you might be married. Set the course for your life with her and without her. Let her know exactly how it's going to be. Let her know she has equity with you, if she wants it, but it must be on terms that you deem proper for the times. In other words, if she doesn't want to wait there will be many other ladies who will admire your spirit of timing and prudent planning of your life. It would not be practical to move any faster in your relationship. Your lady has to learn patience and respect for the timing of important individuals in her life.

[Ace]

Thanks for the advice guys. I really needed it. I am going to post another one here in a little bit and tell you what went on in our latest "talk" tonight. I am definately going to be needing some help on this one.

[Ace]

This is just to add to my previous post a little down the page.

 

Me and my girlfriend just had one of our "talks". This was basically a talk about how she felt about the relationship and how I felt. She is saying that I don't tell her I love her, am nicer to other girls than I am to her, am scared of committment, and a few other issues.

 

She said that her plan was to break up with me tonight. After we talked about our issues, she changed her mind. She said that the one thing that she wanted to stay together now was that we communicate our problems well.

 

Before today, I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared for her to tell me that it was over. When I got there, she told me and it scared the crap out of me, but as time went on, everything went better with us.

 

This is all fine and dandy, but the bad thing is, I don't know if this was a good option or not to stay together! We even had a little disagreement after we got done talking. She was feeling all mushy and I didn't (which I rarely do). She got hurt feelings whenever I told her that I wasn't feeling very mushy and that I had to go home and study for my test tomorrow.

 

The bad thing is, sometimes I think that if I didn't have her, my life would be worthless and I would be very sad, but other times, I think that I would actually be happier without her and would not have to worry about such committment. I am torn between the two.

 

I also do not tell her this because I know that this would put her over the edge and she would automatically break up with me if she thought that I was having doubts too, so I haven't told her yet.

 

I need a good way to see if I really want to make this relationship work and stay with her and be totally committed to her now or to break it off and do my own thing. Is there any easy way to distinguish this?

 

Any advice is really appreciated!

[Tony T]

Nope, sorry, no way Jose!

 

After reading your post a few times, I have the feeling that you sort of take this lady for granted. If, in fact, you broke up with her I think you would be devastated.

 

It's kind of a male thing. Men often take relationships for granted and, over time, women feel neglected and unloved. When the woman has finally had enough and wants out, she tells the guy and he goes nuts.

 

Before you call this one quits, you better be real sure of your true feelings because doing so could be something you would regret forever. On the other hand, you would get over it.

 

You are the only one in the entire world who can truly decide if you really want to move on or if you are very much in love with this lady. Usually such a feeling would be very obvious but in some people who have had difficulties with love or who have come from dysfunctional familities, the feeling is sometimes difficult to understand or distinguish.

 

How do you feel when you're away from her for long periods?

 

I wouldn't want to be in your position.

[Ace]

We haven't spent very long periods apart before. I believe that is something that we may need to try. Truthfully, I really don't know if I am taking her for granted and that I would be devasted if I lost her or if I think that it would actually be better. That is what is driving me nuts! I just can't see what would be the clearer choice. Knowing me, I will probably just stick it out and see how things go. Hopefully I will get over this and realize what I have because she is a very special girl.

[Rachel]

Ace;

 

Have you forgotten all the devastation you went through a while back to get this lady back?

 

e-mail after e-mail, all you wanted was to get her back.

 

It drove you crazy when you bumped into her out with her friends....

 

Now, that you have her back, you have forgotten what it was like without her. Go back and read your own posts. Maybe it will jar your memory.

 

What about a trial engagement? You can always call an engagement off it it doesn't work out. You can have a long engagment.....

 

Also, you can head out of town for a weekend. by yourself and clear your head.... a change of scenery might be good.

 

good luck.

 

Do something romantic today. Send her a card. it'll take ten minutes of your time, and make her really happy...

[Ace]

You are right Rachel! I really don't know what I am thinking. I don't know what is going on in my head right now. She is overall a great girl and she has been good to me, but with all of the talk of moving in together, marriage, etc, maybe it just scared me off. It is probably time we move onto the next step anyway because afterall it has been 6 years in July.

[Angie]

You sound very young. The mere fact that you are questioning this relationship tells me that you need some more bachelor living. Women are very different, they don't need as much time. Don't ruin your life giving her what she needs and not doing what you need----sweetie move on.

This is just to add to my previous post a little down the page. Me and my girlfriend just had one of our "talks". This was basically a talk about how she felt about the relationship and how I felt. She is saying that I don't tell her I love her, am nicer to other girls than I am to her, am scared of committment, and a few other issues.

 

She said that her plan was to break up with me tonight. After we talked about our issues, she changed her mind. She said that the one thing that she wanted to stay together now was that we communicate our problems well. Before today, I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared for her to tell me that it was over. When I got there, she told me and it scared the crap out of me, but as time went on, everything went better with us. This is all fine and dandy, but the bad thing is, I don't know if this was a good option or not to stay together! We even had a little disagreement after we got done talking. She was feeling all mushy and I didn't (which I rarely do). She got hurt feelings whenever I told her that I wasn't feeling very mushy and that I had to go home and study for my test tomorrow. The bad thing is, sometimes I think that if I didn't have her, my life would be worthless and I would be very sad, but other times, I think that I would actually be happier without her and would not have to worry about such committment. I am torn between the two. I also do not tell her this because I know that this would put her over the edge and she would automatically break up with me if she thought that I was having doubts too, so I haven't told her yet. I need a good way to see if I really want to make this relationship work and stay with her and be totally committed to her now or to break it off and do my own thing. Is there any easy way to distinguish this? Any advice is really appreciated!

[velvet]

You drove her to the edge when she decided to brake off the r/s. So communication that you say is so great, happens too late. To spend so much time with each other like you say you should open communication more. You might want to consider working on that issue just lil bit more. Women bitch because of intimacy. You said you dont feel mushy when she wants you too. Even the roughest,toughest men can get mushy. You should work on that a lil more for the both of you.

 

I know how you feel when you said life would feel worthless without her. I once felt that way when I became single, but I proved myself wrong. When you choose a companion, it's supposed to be someone that brings the best out in you. Gives you drive to make life better for each other. You become a team in one.

 

I would be cautious to the fact that her intentions where to brake up. And not take it lightly. So work on being mushy, also give yourselves just a tad bit of space so that you have time to be alone & be more eager to see each other.

This is just to add to my previous post a little down the page. Me and my girlfriend just had one of our "talks". This was basically a talk about how she felt about the relationship and how I felt. She is saying that I don't tell her I love her, am nicer to other girls than I am to her, am scared of committment, and a few other issues.

 

She said that her plan was to break up with me tonight. After we talked about our issues, she changed her mind. She said that the one thing that she wanted to stay together now was that we communicate our problems well. Before today, I was prepared for the worst. I was prepared for her to tell me that it was over. When I got there, she told me and it scared the crap out of me, but as time went on, everything went better with us. This is all fine and dandy, but the bad thing is, I don't know if this was a good option or not to stay together! We even had a little disagreement after we got done talking. She was feeling all mushy and I didn't (which I rarely do). She got hurt feelings whenever I told her that I wasn't feeling very mushy and that I had to go home and study for my test tomorrow. The bad thing is, sometimes I think that if I didn't have her, my life would be worthless and I would be very sad, but other times, I think that I would actually be happier without her and would not have to worry about such committment. I am torn between the two. I also do not tell her this because I know that this would put her over the edge and she would automatically break up with me if she thought that I was having doubts too, so I haven't told her yet. I need a good way to see if I really want to make this relationship work and stay with her and be totally committed to her now or to break it off and do my own thing. Is there any easy way to distinguish this? Any advice is really appreciated!