Found out wife was having same sex affairs

[shakenandstirred]

Hi

I've been reading this forum for a while and I am intrigued at all the advice given.Maybe you can help me.

 

I had to re install windows on my computer and my wife was writing somewhat of a journal in word pad. It was a like a recollection of her really bad childhood. From being molested from the age of 7, doing drugs at age 12, selling the drugs, being somewhat of an escort for one man that went to her church(just having sex with him for money at about age 16) Experimenting ,at first, with lesbianism with a girl that lived close by and that led to several other escapades. And finally meeting me, continuing the same sex affairs and admitting that she enjoyed it, but felt guilty, yet she continued. Even after we got married she continued, unbeknownst to me.

I was shocked and immediately burst into tears. I didn't intend to read it but i had saved it to a floppy and wanted to make sure it wasn't corrupted before i put it back on the computer, so I opened it. I read the first few lines and was drawn in by her nightmarish life.

She doesn't know I read it. She has stated in this journal that she is ashamed of what she did during the marriage. She says that she hasn't told anyone about her affairs since she has been married to me, because she says she doesn't want to be judged and states that she is not gay. Its been many years, approximately 10 years or so since this has happened, but I am angry and hurt that she has not told me and has kept this to herself for so long. Do I let her know that I know..

Even though she did this years ago it hurts like she did it last night

Can anybody tell me what to do?

[Timberlane]

Calmly bring up the matter with her after dinner and perhaps a few drinks. Reassure her that you love her. Tell her how you came to find the diary and explain how sorry you were to read it. She will no doubt be very sad to hear of your discovery, but it will allow you both to discuss the matter and work through it. Good luck.

[Bryanp]

It is very important that you discuss this with her. Honesty and openness is the key. You need to discuss everything with her. This is the only way for you and her to recover in your marriage. Burying your head in the sand is no option.

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters that you should absolutely tell her about what you found.

 

-------------------------------------------

This is one crazy thought,

I know it's the kind of thing that happens one time out of a million,

but could it be even just remotely possible that she was writing a novel or a short story? Did anything you read about her really match with the real her? Did you recognize the names of the people she mentions? (if she mentions them by name) Do you personally know any of them? Does she call you by name, or does the H's description match with yours? Is she referring to specific moments you shared?

[shakenandstirred]

Calmly bring up the matter with her after dinner and perhaps a few drinks. Reassure her that you love her. Tell her how you came to find the diary and explain how sorry you were to read it. She will no doubt be very sad to hear of your discovery, but it will allow you both to discuss the matter and work through it. Good luck.

 

Thank you for your response timberlane.I agree that I should be calm. I think she wrote it as some form of therapy for her. Even though I am angry for the secrecy, Iknow I must respect her feelings too.

 

Thanks again

[shakenandstirred]

It is very important that you discuss this with her. Honesty and openness is the key. You need to discuss everything with her. This is the only way for you and her to recover in your marriage. Burying your head in the sand is no option.

 

 

I agree that not saying anything will make matters worse due to the fact that I now have this feeling of betrayal.

 

Thank you for your response

[shakenandstirred]

Thanks Adunaphel,

 

I really feel bad that I looked at her journal, but by discussing these issues we might be able to resolve other things in our marriage. We have been married for 20 yrs and she has kept this from me all this time. I knew about the molestation and the drugs, but not the prostitution and OW affairs. I now wonder if there is anything else she is hiding.

[Adunaphel]

Do not feel bad that you looked at her journal!!!

You weren't even snooping, and I know very few people - if any at all - that would bump into such a thing and *not* read.

Perhaps it's a good thing that you found out, I hope that to bring this out will eventually help your marriage.

 

If this can mean anything, some women who would cheat on their partner with another lady would never dream of cheating on them with a guy.

[shakenandstirred]

Adunaphel,

 

Thanks again for your posts. I have not yet spoke to her about what I found. Trying to figure out how to say it or how to approach her with it. Our marriage was very rocky for the first 15 years. It has only been through these last 5 years that we have come to truly know one another.

You are right, due to the violent encounters she has had with men, I don't believe she would have an affair with men. I think she preferred the women because she saw them as being safe. She had control. I understand that,but what I don't understand is why she continued after we got married or even while we were engaged. She said in her journal that she always loved me, one woman wanted to continue(this was before she married me) but she told her that she loved me and couldn't continue. She said it was a passion for her, to be with women, but is now ashamed that she did it and couldn't tell me(that was in the journal).

She has since been a faithful member in our church, but earlier in our marriage she went to church also yet she continued having sex with women. I guess I'm going to have to talk to her to put and end to my confusion. She was out of town at a church function when I found out about the journal.She came back yesterday and I have behaved as if nothing has happened. I was at work and I left her a single rose in a glass vase with a letter saying welcome home and I love you, but I'm going to have to say something soon. My feelings for her are genuine..I really love her. I guess I really want to know if she still feels that passion for women she use to have, if there is even a small ember burning inside her for it.

[shakenandstirred]

I agree with the other posters that you should absolutely tell her about what you found.

 

-------------------------------------------

This is one crazy thought,

I know it's the kind of thing that happens one time out of a million,

but could it be even just remotely possible that she was writing a novel or a short story? Did anything you read about her really match with the real her? Did you recognize the names of the people she mentions? (if she mentions them by name) Do you personally know any of them? Does she call you by name, or does the H's description match with yours? Is she referring to specific moments you shared?

 

I'm sorry ..I missed this portion of your post. Yes ..the people are real. She mentioned her family by name, but was careful not to mention names of the women she was with. She mentions me by name and I know at least 3 of them. Its definately the real her

[Bryanp]

Hello again,

 

I suggest that you make a list of questions or comments that you wish to ask her and write it down on a piece of paper so you do not forget the key points you want to make. You can also write a long letter and sit down with her and ask her to read it and wait for her reply. I wish you luck. It is very important that you discuss this with her.

[Mz. Pixie]

Back up and save the information in a safe place as well.

 

That's a horrible place to be in. Because I think many people mask themselves as heterosexual because they are ashamed and they do not want to openly live the gay lifestyle.

 

Is it possible that she's bisexual? How is your sex life?

[Sup]

Thanks Adunaphel,

 

I really feel bad that I looked at her journal, but by discussing these issues we might be able to resolve other things in our marriage. We have been married for 20 yrs and she has kept this from me all this time. I knew about the molestation and the drugs, but not the prostitution and OW affairs. I now wonder if there is anything else she is hiding.

 

You can calmly tell her what you're feeling, that you're mad and hurt and all. But look to get tested for STDs, both of you. I would also ask her if there has been any other men while you were married. Make sure you tell her before hand that you love her, just before you tell her. Make sure that you tell her both of you can work through this, if that's what you want.

[shakenandstirred]

Hi Everyone,

 

I thank you all for your advice. Well I confronted her about the journal I found on the computer. I took a couple of shots of some liquor and called her on her cell. I asked her why hadn't she told me about the women she was with. Her reply was "what are you talking about"? I then told her I was fixing the computer and I had saved her journal on a floppy and I opened it to make sure it was ok. At first she was like so what, that happened many years ago. I said wouldn't you want to know if I had been sleeping with men? She said yes I would. She then began to tell me I had no business looking anyway. I thought she was being somewhat cold about it. I said what about the part you said about having encounters during our marriage? She then began to laugh and said you don't know what you are reading. This made me angry and I said so you can laugh about this? Good for you and then I hung up.

When she came home I was in the bedroom watching ESPN and she said I'm home(somewhat singing it) I didn't say a word. Then she said so you still mad at me? (she had a little smile on her face when she said it) She closed the bedroom door and begin to tell me that it happened so many years ago. It wasn't happening now and that part of her life is no longer existent. She said the "encounter" during the marriage was that she kissed another woman, I said isn't that cheating? She said yes but we were separated at the time( she was right) the other encounters were women coming on to her.Is this common among women, something they don't let us men know? She said a lot of the sexual part of her being with women was during her teen years. I must admit that she has changed quite a bit since we first got married. We are both 40. I do love her and have to admit that I wasn't always there for her so I can understand a lot of why things happened. The only man she really truly loved is me. Since her encounters with some men have been brutal (being molested and raped)

I see why she felt safe with women.She reassured me that I am the man she wants to be with and she doesn't feel that way. She said it took a lot of prayer and intervening from God, but she no longer has that desire for women. I want to believe her. Since we have been back together from the separation wehave tried to make things work. We have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. The girl is 14 and one son is 18 and the other 9. I want to keep my family and I don't think that I will let this thing that happened in the past get in the way of a wonderful future. This one thing I will forgive and forget.

Thanks to all that responded.

[Sup]

I would get a GOOD keylogger, just in case if you have any doubts in the future. Hmmmm.... I have to wonder why she laughed that off like that, It's just strange to me.

[shakenandstirred]

I would get a GOOD keylogger, just in case if you have any doubts in the future. Hmmmm.... I have to wonder why she laughed that off like that, It's just strange to me.

 

I'm still being cautious, but I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt for now. I wondered about that too. She doesn't go to chat rooms or use emails to my knowledge, but I will take that in consideration.

[Bryanp]

Laughing it off like that indicates to me either it was no big deal to her or that there is a lot more that she is not telling you. It shows that she does not know the enormity of how she has hurt you. Since she was able to cheat on you for so long and keep the truth from you for so long; it seems doubtful that she is being totally open and honest with you now. From what she has written and based on her past it does not seem reasonable to believe it was only kissing. Laughing it off like this does not show true remorse and understanding what she has done. The laughing it off is a very distrubing sign.

[Guest]

--She has since been a faithful member in our church, but earlier in our marriage she went to church also yet she continued having sex with women.-

 

Sounds to me like working through all this within herself took time - as would be expected - not like throwing a lightswitch. It's taking you some time to process - imagine what it was like for her and all she had to process - to figure herself out and straighten her life out - and not destroy her marriage too. And....sounds like she did it all by herself.

 

Given her history and this - sounds like you got one hell of a strong lady there - and one that loves you too. Good luck and be kind to her.

[riobikini]

ShakenandStirred, keep the marriage.

 

And your family.

 

It sounds like (to me) your wife had been keeping a lot of things all to herself that needed to come out in the journal -things she needed to write first, before possibly contemplating later, whether to bring them to you for any discussion.

 

Journals are personal -they're a way of breaking down things in little pieces so that we can understand them ourselves, -before ever considering taking them to someone else.

 

Sometimes, depending on how serious the issues are, writing them down and reflecting back on what we wrote is all that's needed to resolve the problems or concerns.

 

"Hashing it out" with ourselves -laying it all out on the table, so to speak- is good sign we're ready to begin dealing with whatever we've been keeping secret.

 

Your reading the journal brought you face-to-face with secrets I am unsure whether your wife would have brought to you so soon, -or whether she would have decided to announce them, at all.

 

Despite that, I think it may help you in drawing closer to each other, now that you know.

 

She now *knows* she can rely on your compassion, strength, and understanding more than ever.

 

While this may have been a major "bump" in the road, I don't think it's any reason for either one of you to throw up your hands, loose control of your emotions and good sense, and run away from a good marriage.

 

I wish you both lots of good luck and happiness.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[shakenandstirred]

Laughing it off like that indicates to me either it was no big deal to her or that there is a lot more that she is not telling you. It shows that she does not know the enormity of how she has hurt you. Since she was able to cheat on you for so long and keep the truth from you for so long; it seems doubtful that she is being totally open and honest with you now. From what she has written and based on her past it does not seem reasonable to believe it was only kissing. Laughing it off like this does not show true remorse and understanding what she has done. The laughing it off is a very distrubing sign.

 

After talking it out I realized that it was no big deal to her. It was just a way for her to get it out. She says that she doesn't have those feelings like that anymore. It was a passion at one time but now its a thing of the past. I have to trust her. I do love her and want to believe her. I do thank you for your advice however.

[shakenandstirred]

--She has since been a faithful member in our church, but earlier in our marriage she went to church also yet she continued having sex with women.-

 

Sounds to me like working through all this within herself took time - as would be expected - not like throwing a lightswitch. It's taking you some time to process - imagine what it was like for her and all she had to process - to figure herself out and straighten her life out - and not destroy her marriage too. And....sounds like she did it all by herself.

 

Given her history and this - sounds like you got one hell of a strong lady there - and one that loves you too. Good luck and be kind to her.

 

She is a really strong woman and I am good to her. Looking at her journal made me realize that this woman needs love and protection and thats what I have provided for her and will continue to do so.

[shakenandstirred]

ShakenandStirred, keep the marriage.

 

And your family.

 

It sounds like (to me) your wife had been keeping a lot of things all to herself that needed to come out in the journal -things she needed to write first, before possibly contemplating later, whether to bring them to you for any discussion.

 

Journals are personal -they're a way of breaking down things in little pieces so that we can understand them ourselves, -before ever considering taking them to someone else.

 

Sometimes, depending on how serious the issues are, writing them down and reflecting back on what we wrote is all that's needed to resolve the problems or concerns.

 

"Hashing it out" with ourselves -laying it all out on the table, so to speak- is good sign we're ready to begin dealing with whatever we've been keeping secret.

 

Your reading the journal brought you face-to-face with secrets I am unsure whether your wife would have brought to you so soon, -or whether she would have decided to announce them, at all.

 

Despite that, I think it may help you in drawing closer to each other, now that you know.

 

She now *knows* she can rely on your compassion, strength, and understanding more than ever.

 

While this may have been a major "bump" in the road, I don't think it's any reason for either one of you to throw up your hands, loose control of your emotions and good sense, and run away from a good marriage.

 

I wish you both lots of good luck and happiness.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

Thank you Riobikini for your response. Even though I prematurely let the proverbial cat out the bag by reading her journal, I believe it has made us a little stronger. She saw that what I read hurt me a quite a bit and she was willing to talk about it. She was a little agitated and a little non-chalant in the beginning , but she settled down and we talked it out. This happened so many years ago. I can't do anything about the past, but I can work on the future. So thank you rio for all that you said. It was truly a help to me.